Afraid of Having NPD?

Hi there!

This past summer, I had a really rough time dealing with my fear of possibly having a personality disorder. I'm currently in my senior year of college, but I had a fairly off year my sophomore year of school, resulting in me making a series of really bad decisions that nearly lost me my scholarship and landed me in the ER after a half-baked suicide attempt. Because of some of the actions I took, a psychiatrist I saw at my university wrote up that I had borderline traits, which I eventually heard about when talking to a therapist at that same school. I took that and ran with it, wasting my whole summer worrying about whether or not I had BPD, ASPD, or NPD, and researching blogs, forums, etc.

I'm now on generic Paxil and Lamictal, but I go into a worried frenzy any day I forget and skip my meds. I'm fearful that I'm unable to feel love and that I lack empathy. In that past, my OCD has revolved around violence, religion, and pedophilia. While the pedophilia obsession occasionally comes up and is still awful to deal, the NPD one is the worst. I wouldn't feel terrible about having BPD. I did and do still have my fair share of traits associated with the disorder, and I think it's something I'd be able to work on. But the lack of empathy that comes with NPD sounds terrible! I'm prone to attention-seeking, have a hard time dealing with criticism, and used to always fantasize about being the 'best' at something. In my heart of hearts, I know that I'd like to be perfect, but I also know that it doesn't exist. My childhood had its weird unstable and devaluing moments, and my ability to do well in school and receive praise for being the best student in class kept me afloat throughout my elementary school and middle school years. Now I don't feel good about myself unless I receive praise, and I constantly need validation; I always need directions from people, guidance, and support. Trusting myself seems impossible, and I'm very emotionally needy and draining.

I'm not sure if my self-absorption is due to my anxiety or if it's due to NPD. I don't want to hurt my family by not loving them, and I don't want to be unable to form strong bonds and care about people in the future. My best friend told me that she saw me as being extremely empathetic, but I don't know. While I like doing nice things for other people when they're in a rut and I've been trying to do better about not being so self-absorbed when I talk with people, I just don't know if that stuff is genuine, or if I'm just overthinking everything. I worry that I have bad motives for doing nice things for people, and I worry that I don't feel love. Additionally, I sometimes feel this pleasant jolt of excitement when bad things happen to people if they cause a bit of chaos (which I feel guilty for, but can't help), which is something that I've always felt uncomfortable with. One of the therapists I've worked with pointed out that the hardest block between me and healing is learning to like peace and feel comfortable in it, because problems are something I've always surrounded myself with. What the heck does love feel like anyways? I'm afraid that I don't even feel it. I do know that I worry and care for my sisters deeply and that I feel hurt knowing that my parents have a lot of deep pain they have to deal with after their divorce, but that's the only empathy/love-related things I feel sure of. I don't want to hurt my family by not loving them, and I really don't want them to leave me after finding out that I'm unable to feel the things that an average person can feel.

This obsession has become pretty consuming, and the primary reason that I haven't attempted suicide again is that it'd cost a lot of money if I didn't actually succeed, I'm still clinging to hope, and because I know it'd hurt my family (especially my littlest sister). I feel so crummy right now, but I can't afford a proper therapist at the moment. Because I've moved around a lot in my college career/don't have a lot of money, I'm not planning on getting a long-term therapist until this summer, when I'll be graduating.

I don't know why I'm posting here. Probably for reassurance, maybe to vent. Any advice on how to get on with my life? I almost don't want to be around people anymore, because worrying about my relationships with them is exhausting. I've had OCD since I was eight or nine, and I've felt like a really bad person ever since my obsessions started. I just don't know what to do, and I can't really imagine continuing to carry this kind of pain for many more years. I would like to create a peaceful life for myself, making art and living in a cozy home and surrounding myself with various family members and close friends, but I just don't see that truly happening with all this fear I carry with me.

You friend said you come off as extremley empathetic so I would believe that if I where you. I used to think I was a sociopath but if you are depressed or anxious a lot of the time it can make it seem like you have a lack of emotions because the depression and/or anxiety is such a dominant theme. IF you want to ultimate test to see if you are NDP or not try to get a mental assesment done im not sure how hard they are to get but I got one done and it proved everything i feared to be wrong and i stoped worrying.