I need help, I'm about to leave husband with OCPD

PLEASE BEAR WITH ME... I initially responded to the post show below. My reply to the post are below that. I really, really need some input. My husband was just diagnosed and I am wife #3 about to leave. I know just reading that statement in itself makes one think "really, you should have known better".... i guess I should have..... I was naive and I don't want to be naive now so please if you can read my reply to the poster below and give me ANY advise.... I really need it. I don't have family to lean on or a parent to ask for advise.. I appreciate any help. Thank you.




[i][i][i][i]I think that my husband has OCPD, is probably also depressed. He refuses to get help, claims I am the one that has a probelm, that i should stop seeing him as wrong and accept him. It's impossible to talk to him, he thinks his demands about rules (the girls have to eat with their mouths closed not making noise when chewing, he's been struggling with our 6 year old about it for several years now and has verbally abused and isulted her numerous times about his and other issues, he has told her in front of family that she disgusts him), neatness and cleaness are reasonable I am the one who is the slob. I am a stay at home housewife and should keep the house neat and clean, the kids all taken care off and he should be treated as a king, all his needs taken care off.
There is no chance of course that I can comply with his demands as we have 2 young girls and the house cannot be kept in neat order all the time, it is sick. Even when the house is neat he finds something else to complain about, yesterday it was my car that needed cleaning, today it's the girls that need a bath, tomorrow it will be someone eating with their hands or their mouth open, on the weekend it will be kids running in the house and making noise (they need to be quiet - no screaming and running), they need to dress modestly I had to fight with him over ballet outfits and if a dress becomes knee or a little above knee length he demands i buy longer one and the list doesn't end for me, for him it's all normal logical and reasonable. I am the one that is being unreasonable and unaccomodating.

He checks positive on almost all the characteristics of OCPD, but he thinks of course that he's normal. It's only hard for me and the girls to live with him.

How do i find a way to live with him? How do i set boundaries? Of course i got to this relationship becasue it was familiar from my home, my parents are like this. my dad might not be OCPD but he is definetly PTSD (went through WWII in his childhood, served in Russian nave, dealt with KGB, immigrated to a new country when he was 43) he is verbally and emotioanlly abusive to my mom and to me.

I would appreciate advice and examples on how to set boundaries especially with OCPD people. I try to set boundaries but he explodes. For example, few months ago i told him that threataning with spanking is not acceptable and i will not tolerate it. He went ballistic! Demanded i take it back, that he is entitled to threaten with spanking.

Any advise on how to get him to seek help? Will any good come of confronting him? Showing him the characteristics of OCPD? He might also have some PPD and doesn't trust people. He is likely to accuse me of betrayal and wrongdoing.

How do you get someone to seek help when they strongly believe they are perfect?

Therapists please write more articles and books about how to live with a OCPD spounse. all the literature out there talks about characteristics of OCPD and how to deal with OCD but there isn't much info on living with OCPD spouse.

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THIS IS MY RESPONSE TO HER AND A BIT OF MY STORY TOO:
I just came across your posting and wanted to see how you are doing? When I read your post, it was like someone had just summarized my past decade. I'm so lonely and empty and tired of not being "wanted". My husband has held intimacy from me for 4 years now. The two times I attempted in the 4 years, he stopped because I would not do what he wanted. My punishment.... I guess to never have sex again in my life.

Everything that you wrote is the same with my husband. I think he tried so hard in the beginning because he wanted me for a trophy wife. Over the years he put off and put off having children, something that was very upfront and honest was a REQUIREMENT for a marriage. I never, ever would have married him if he did not want children (he had several from previous marriages (yes plural marriages and children). I brought in a young child that did not have a father. My husband promised he would adopt him and we could have lots more children so my young child could grow up with brothers and sisters.

He was very upfront and 'honest' about what he wanted. He wanted more children and a stay at home wife and mother. We agreed I would leave my career assume this.

I was naive and believed what he promised me. After I married him I found out he can't have children because he had a vasectomy --- what???/ are you f*cking kidding me?????? He convinced me it was an easy thing to reverse and he would get it reversed no problem--not to worry.
Well the one time I had saved up for it, he put off the surgery for 3 months so he could do yard work (his MAJOR OBSESSION). If he had the surgery at the first scheduled date, he would not have been able to do his yard work for a couple months. So surgery was put off and his department closed the following month post-poning it again.

Needless to say, 4 more years of my life and fertility have passed and I am teddering in menopause. It looks like the my chance to ever have the family I spent all of my life preparing for is all but gone and my only child will grow into adulthood with no other family. If something happens to me, what's to come of him? What table will he sit around at Thanksgiving? Who will have him over for Christmas?? My child suffers from an auto-immune condition and has all but overcome severe autism. He's the sweetest person I have ever been blessed to know. How can God leave him with nothing??

I see how my marriage is crumbling with my husband and it is exactly what happened with the other wives. How could I be so naive?? How could I believe what he told me? I was a business woman, college educated.... My husband has done a wondrous job making me feel like crap for the past 4 years I probably should not beat myself up so much but..... I mean, I really should have known this was coming right?? I tried to make him happy for so many years not really realizing all that was occurring. How could have I stayed for so long? I too am like you now, worn out from trying to work and handle the stress load of 10 people in a manner that 10 people probably could not do...I too have health issue from it.....

I don't understand how someone can literally act like they do not love you or really even like you.... and ending a marriage is not a big deal to them, in fact it's the more desirable option!!!... I suppose it's easier to walk away then want to put any work into themselves. They think they are prefect and absolutely correct in all areas so why would something so flawless ever need fixing?

So now I have a life to look forward to that is about as empty as empty can be. No family of my own, just my son who struggles significantly, myself, and a husband that is a stranger, the shell of a person I thought once was so wonderful.

He exists in full blown OCPD, giving myself and son the cold shoulder every day.

Any advise on how to move on? I have no parents or family so that is not an option.

Wishing this finds happiness warming your heart and praying for strength.

Hi, butterfly35! Do you want to leave him and take your son? If you're unhappy and there's no sign that he'll change, maybe it's the best option.
You could find out if you can support yourself and your kid. Maybe go back to your job or career. Look into shelters for women where they can bring their child too, if you won't have a place to stay, or look for cheap places to rent. Make a plan, things are going to be ok.

I would like to say that sometimes those of us who have OCPD are completely unaware of the fact, looking back at my life I have been able to see that I have had OCPD for longer than the few months that I have known it. It's just that a lot of the things in my life were more often than not making my life easier and less problematic however other aspects of my life stand out and ring the alarm bells now I know what I have to look for.

butterfly35, if he truly cares about you and you do leave then it's more than likely going to become very difficult because he will be obsessive and will hold onto what you both had and it's highly likely that it could become very uncomfortable so having someplace safe and secure for you and your son would be a very good idea.

Hi Butterfly.

I was wondering how things are going with you. My situation is similar. He's never happy with anything. There's always something I can do better next time. It really sucks. I am about to leave with our 3 kids. He doesn't recognize that what he's doing is a problem. Sometimes I think that if he wants to go find "Donna Reed," then maybe he should think about doing that. Good luck with that!! I am wondering if you, or anyone reading this post has had any luck with getting their significant other to realize that this is a problem. I suppose I could deal with it alot better if he recognized the issue and at least tried to deal with it. How are you coping? I hope all is well with you!

Hi.

I really feel for you. My husband has OCPD too.
And this whole thing with broken promises - I only know it too well. He's hurt both me and my family due to many broken promises.. He is also putting having children off constantly as 'it's not on his mind yet'. I think he feels it will interfere with his goals and obsession about success and perfection. He does seem to want children one day though...even though that one day should have been now with his age in consideration and the fact he's had his career up and running for a good while now.

I moved out of our shared home a year ago. Could not take it any longer. He had also started becoming violent towards me which I did not wanna put up with. I told him to seek help and treatment or we'd be over for good.

I also told him, after moving out, that I think he's got a mental disorder (that was when I realized) - he of course denied. 'Because he is perfect'.

I then decided to confront him directly with OCPD. I sent him a bunch of stuff by email (talking to him in person rarely ever works no matter the issue...he just gets so mad). I sent him stuff about the diagnostic criteria of OCPD, I sent him people's own stories about having a family member with OCPD. I also sent him stuff people who themselves had been diagnosed with OCPD, had written. I also wrote exactly why I think he has OCPD. I simply took all the diagnostic criteria one by one and commented next to them, how he fits each of them. I sent this stuff over a few days to give him time to take on thing at a time in.
I did it in a very non-accusing manner.

He did not reply.

Then after a couple of weeks, when I next saw him, he brought up the topic himself and told me he had read everything I had sent and that he had done his own research too. And that he completely agreed with me, that he has OCPD.
I was shocked that he actually agreed. Thought he would be more in denial, as he'd also been thinking 'it's me who is wrong'.

But I guess the 'evidence' was too much. That not even he could deny the fact that he fits hand into glove with the criteria and description of OCPD. Also, he already knew what the things 'I believe to be a problem' are. I have told him about 'his problems' over and over again and over the years and that it's not normal, which he always denied. But I think he know realized that 'all those things I have been complaining about' for so long are in fact things fitting into the description of OCPD perfectly.

He is now seeing a psychiatrist for a diagnoses. Has taken a while for him to start seeing her, due to waiting lists and misunderstandings.
He has however started becoming in denial again. I think this is because the psychiatrist started talking to him about OCD the first time he went to see her. The psychiatrist probably thought he had OCD and OCPD mixed up... So...I'm a bit worried about the whole thing still. Also, because he has started yet again telling me that his behaviour is normal in his culture and he will probably tell the psychiatrist the same (I feel he has now started to convince himself that he is in fact perfectly 'normal' again).. But his behaviour is not normal in his own culture - NOT to that extent and not in that way! We are from two different countries, but I've dated guys from his country since being a teenager, which he knows. He just decides to 'forget' it and pretend that I know nothing..

If you wanna leave him then do it. I fully understand. If my husband does not get his behaviour sorted - which can only happen when and if he gets the right help - then I will leave him.

I think you should contact some women's organisations in your area who help women escaping abusive relationships. Maybe he does not physically abuse you, but a person with untreated OCPD (or treated), is in my experience with my husband, abusive, VERY abusive - verbally and mentally. They might not take you in to one of their shelters, but they can advice you about what to do and who to contact. And they can probably also offer you some mental support.

When I moved out of me and my husbands' home a year ago, I contacted a women's organisation and they offered me some advice and some good conversations which really helped (I now have my own room elsewhere, but talk to my husband daily and see him once in a while - this is how it's gonna be until the situation is better sorted; him getting a diagnoses, therapy and showing 'improved' behaviour. And if he doesn't 'improve' (funny word to use as improving always is his goal..) then we will end up divorcing!).

Whatever the person's "issues", whether its a PD (any PD) or any kind of issue, if they dont see themselves as having an "issue" or "problem" and/or they dont want to fix it or arent aware of it, you cannot compromise with them.

I myself have tried with 2 people in my life that I care deeply about. 1 who doesnt think she has a problem and thinks all the problems are mine (my mother). 1 who knows he has issues, isnt sure what they are, says he wants to change them but does nothing to change them and reverts back to type all the time, even when progress was being made (my ex partner).

It doesnt get you anywhere. Nothing will change unless they realise it and then want it to.

I know I have issues, was not always sure what exactly they were. Am getting to know myself so much better now I'm in psychotherapy (which it's taken me until I was 41 to do) and I'm open to compromise, even if I admit some things I'm not ready to compromise on yet. At least I understand the other persons point of view. Those I faced daily did not understand where I was coming from at all! And did not want to hear it. They would just become defensive and turn it back on me. Neither of them dealt with their issues or pain, they both just blocked them out and coped how they best could.

I am not a "stick my head in the sand" kind of person. I always want to face the fear and try and deal with it (though sometimes I freeze or avoid, but I always want to at least contemplate it). The OP must feel like they are banging their head against the constant proverbial brick wall. And that is exactly what it is.

My advice for anyone in this situation is deal with your own issues. Change you. You can't change others. And if you have kids, look out for their welfare as unbiasedly as you can. Because they will be affected. And dont be afraid to apologise to your kids on your behalf and on your partners/parents behalf (if they wont). I have a mother who will NEVER say sorry. I make a habit of saying that to my daughter when I know I'm in the wrong, even if it has taken time to realise it was wrong. It is never too late.