Dealing with NOD wife wanting divorce

I have been married for just over twenty years to a woman I suspect may have NPD. My nurse sister-in-law introduced me to the idea after my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We have three children together (18F, 15M, 11F). I have been very concerned about her behaviour since she expressed her desire for the divorce partly because of her complete lack of emotion when discussing the effects this will have on the children.
Background info - Her mother had divorced her biological father when she was about 5 because she "didn't feel passionate" about him anymore. This is the same reason she has given me. Divorce runs in her family (parents, sister, brother, uncle, grandparents, great-aunt). I take responsibility for not heeding that warning, but of course my wife seemed different...
About five years ago one of her brothers committed suicide, and she took up running to cope. Since then, she has put more and more effort into that than she has into the family. A few months ago she started an "affair" with one of her triathlon friends. She won't admit to the extent, but it is significant enough that she does talk about it somewhat.
I got her to agree not to take action until after the holidays, and my son's 16th birthday (which is at the end of January). She won't go to counseling, as she put it "because people like you too much, and they always take your side."
My question is: How can I interact with my wife in a non=threatening way to try to get her to start looking at the practical aspects of her decision?
And the followup is: How do I deal with my children, who I do not want to lie to (don't want to say this is my decision, but to do otherwise is to throw my wife under the proverbial bus?
She has not looked ahead at the suffering, work, trouble with the children, expense of divorcing. She seems perfectly willing to have us lose everything. Whenever I try talking to her about settlements, she makes ridiculous offers that give her everything, and me nothing. Is not open to hearing any counters as she believes I should agree with her on all matters.

Nothing you mention really suggests she has NPD. You have to be faking and lying all of your life. I don't hear that from your story. I would put it down to her midlife crisis. She would be feeling that she has put others first for so long and so it is her turn now. A bit of black and white thinking which depicts you as all bad and the new guy as wonderful is enough to have her feeling emotions she may not have felt in along time.
I suggest you Google, John Gottman. He has the best couples therapy. You really may have never asked your wife what are her hopes and dreams for the future. You need to reach her on the page she is on now. Gottman has a series of You tube clips that show you what he is about. Gottman describes how to become a master rather than a disaster in your relationship. He believes in regularly taking inventory of how one's relationship is going by discussing all the important topics and future plans. I would get onto watching them by yourself for a start. You need to be really versed up and be prepared to make changes.If she doesn't actually hate your guts you have a chance of salvage. Yes, bring home the flowers and make her realize she is the incredible woman who chose to spend her life with you. The trick is to make her feel that again. Try a card that actually says that.
A tip. Stop bringing up asset loss or pecuniary hardship. It serves to tell her that you are only
invested at that level. What she hears is you putting money ahead of her. She then interprets life to prove, you are bored with her too and that you stay together for practical reasons only. She needs to believe, she is the priceless gift in your life. Start romancing her again.

margharris wrote:Nothing you mention really suggests she has NPD. You have to be faking and lying all of your life. I don't hear that from your story. I would put it down to her midlife crisis. She would be feeling that she has put others first for so long and so it is her turn now. A bit of black and white thinking which depicts you as all bad and the new guy as wonderful is enough to have her feeling emotions she may not have felt in along time.

She might not have NPD, as in a high enough level and enough of the traits for a diagnosis, but she is narcissistic. Her first thought on couples' counseling was worry that people would take your side. Side? It's a power struggle, so she comes out on top, or at least gets what she feels entitled to. If you are married, then she and you should be on the same 'side'. It should be about being happy together, not her keeping your 'side' from winning by preventing you from having allies. She puts more effort into running than into family… being a spouse and parent is a responsibility. It's not a hobby, it's a duty toward fellow humans.

She wants a divorce because she "didn't feel passionate"? This is a narcissistic concept of marriage. It's about passion, something she can get out of it, not what you or the kids need. "Ask not what your country can do for you…" sense of entitlement Now that she isn't getting the passion from being with you, she is done with you like an empty milk carton, and got a new one. If I read your post right, she cheated on you. Let's get past whatever feelings you have about the affair and think logically. What does an affair mean? It means she is a fair-weather friend who will desert you when you no longer have anything to offer her. It means she is not loyal to you. It means she cares more about getting passion than how you will be affected.

Your sister-in-law suggested she may have NPD? The idea came from someone other than yourself? Count this as evidence that she is at least a little bit narcissistic. Pay attention to your sister-in-law, and the rest of your family, and what they say about your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Don't dismiss this idea.

Get a good lawyer. Hopefully her infidelity puts her at a disadvantage. Tell your kids the truth, the best you can. Be careful not to make it 100% her fault, and admit that you might be biased, but yes, the best thing is to throw her under the proverbial bus now, so your kids don't have to figure it out for themselves years down the road. If she doesn't care how the divorce affects them, they deserve to know, so they don't expect anything from her and get disappointed. I say get a good lawyer mostly because of child custody. The kids need you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT try to win her back by romancing her. This would show that you are weak, needy, unable to cope without her, willing to do anything for her. The relationship might go through a nice period, but it would shortly return to its current state. Let her go, and wish the new man luck providing the passion.

My2cents wrote:Get a good lawyer. Hopefully her infidelity puts her at a disadvantage. Tell your kids the truth, the best you can.

very good advice.

you will know when/if it is past the point of salvage.
and then it will be time to move on without looking back.

plan, prepare, and execute.
good luck.

You have a couple of months to try and salvage this. I would make every effort to be consistent in your approach. If you get a lawyer now the gig is up already. That would be your focus. Leave off till after the deadline. The idea of some diagnosed pathology isn't going to help either.

She fell out of love with you and that provided oxygen for an affair. She was in love with you once and it is only that love that is likely to keep her. So start telling her what it is about her you admire and are fond of. Share conversation with her about her life, her friends, her sport. Move towards her in a caring way. Spend time with her. Tell her how important she is to you. When you warm up towards her. She is likely to reflect back warmth to you. Bond with your children as well. Talk about future family holidays you might take. The method is to swamp her with positive messages of how important she is to you. Mirroring happens in all relationships so she will mirror the tone you take with her. Become a cooperative team player.

If she is awful and provocative try and not reflect this back as things can get ugly. Just say you don't like hearing that and walk away.

Definitely the practical reasons for staying together won't cut it. In her view, she will get the house and just replace you. No loss at all. This is not an argument you can ever win. It changes the focus to you lose, so don't go there. It is only an endgame strategy. Even then, if you have warmed her up with your loved up effort, she is more likely to consider your needs too.

Wish you well

She has not looked ahead at the suffering, work, trouble with the children, expense of divorcing. She seems perfectly willing to have us lose everything. Whenever I try talking to her about settlements, she makes ridiculous offers that give her everything, and me nothing. Is not open to hearing any counters as she believes I should agree with her on all matters.

You don't need to 'give her everything' she will probably need the house for now till all the children are adults. But you should get your share, especially if you are willing to share child care.

She could be NPD but if she was wouldn't you have noticed earlier?

How old is she, I ask this because women can change quite drastically at 50, do you know if she is entering the menopause?