How do I emotionally detach from my ex bf narc?

It seems that throughout the 5 years I was with my ex bf narc, I can never stay mad at him.

I'm really trying to move on as he his really malignant and dangerous.

Last argument we had, I was really calm and tried to make him realise that it was possible to have an authentic conversation without him raging whenever he feels contradicted.

I know he got mad just cause I was calm and he wasn't able to remain calm too.

He got very agressive and defensive. I understand why.

I wasn't trying to provoke him or anything diminishing. I know his ego is fragile.

He left in a rage and I was sad but last words to him were: it is your choice.

10 minutes later, 3 police cars arrived at my home. He saw a police car on his way down the street and out of anger and frustration, he told them that I was suicidal and was breaking everything in my home.

The police soon found out the truth, but still, it was mortifying for me as some neighbors probably saw the scene.

So now I'm back doing the no contact thing.

At the begining of summer, I was at 2 months and a half without contact. He kept texting me and calling me but I wouldn't answer.

My question is this: Wouldn't being angry at him help me to finally move on?

I can't stay mad at him because I'm always analysing his actions and behaviors and alway find excuses for him. "His sick, it's not his fault, he only have me left", etc.

His actions get very extreme. Physical violence, and of course all the lies, gaslighting, name calling, mentioning things about my family that will hurt me, projection.

Of course people ask "why would you want to stay in this relationship?"

Besides the fact that we have such beautiful moments together when he's "alright", of course I have my own issues that prevent me from being in a healthy relationship.

I suffer from co-dependency.

I read many things about it (co-dependency), how it's related to my father who was a narc, my mother being co-dependent, etc...

But still... it seems that the knowledge is not enough.

It still won't register in my brain.

I can't be mad at my ex, I still love him and feel sad for him and I feel that this might be preventing me from moving on.

Any thoughts?

I see some people writing here and they are really pis.sed at their ex for all the abuse and they don't ever want to see them again.

But what do you do when you can't stay angry? I get all weak and mushy and I start missing him.

Like right now, I haven't seen him in 6 days... the police cars incident was last saturday.

He's been texting, emailing, phoning, I won't reply. The police told me to make it clear that I don't want him to contact me again...

But he will, because for the past 5 years, I always took him back, and I always failed at staying strong.

I can't trust him. He already stole from me, etc.

Even that, is not enough for me to be angry at him.

What is wrong with me? Where do I start to fix myself?

I wish he had just left me and moved on with some other girl. At least I could start healing myself and move on.

But the fact that he is still fishing is making it hard on me.

Any suggestions? Thoughts?

Thanks...

Edited because I wanted to add this:

I have a real hard time thinking that I will never see someone ever again in my life.

Whenever I think this about my ex, I feel this huge hole inside my stomach and I panic.

I really can't stand this idea, never ever seeing him again.

What can I do to help myself? I know he's unhealthy for me. Knowing this doesn't make it less painful for me to think that I need to "never see him ever again in my life".

To me it makes no sense to say that about someone I still love and care about. No matter how abusive he is to me.

Help? Thank you...

Go get yourself some therapy so you know how to set boundaries. And read up on narcissism so you can be informed about (and possibly even predict) some of his actions. I've had some success with extended periods of no contact (6 months or more), but honestly, I don't know the answer to this question - all you can do is work on yourself.

If you figure out how to break free entirely, let m know.

expressivecreative wrote:Go get yourself some therapy so you know how to set boundaries. And read up on narcissism so you can be informed about (and possibly even predict) some of his actions. I've had some success with extended periods of no contact (6 months or more), but honestly, I don't know the answer to this question - all you can do is work on yourself.

If you figure out how to break free entirely, let m know.

Thank you EC, I've been thinking about it, counsulting.

The only thing that prevents me from going is that the last couple of times, I ended up being with therapists that weren't helpful at all.

One woman would just sit there silently and nod. At first I thought she just needed to get an idea of what my problem was, but I quit after session number three cause I would leave her office feeling frustrated. I would walk around in a daze of confusion with no references, nowhere to start and to tell you the truth, I can talk to my cats and they are, too, good listeners. At least I get affection from them. That therapist only stared blankly at me. I think she was probably thinking of her shopping list and stuff.

Last one I went to see, she was completely horrified with my story and was really afraid I would end up being killed, so I only went 3-4 times again, cause it was draining me to have to pick her up everytime. She would just stare at me wide eyed and completely freaked out. It was quite a deception, not to mention annoying.

The first one I went to see, was a young 30 something guy. I went only 2 times cause, now that I know about narcissism, he probably was one. He kept talking about himself like he wanted me to be seduced or something. Total turn off.

Anyways, I hear you... and I know there are some good ones out there, but sometimes I feel I get more insights on my issues by reading about it, and by coming on this forum too.

I will give it another try, though.

I have nothing to lose.

Thanks for your reply.

And how are you?

I don't know where you are going for counseling, but make sure it is an accredited therapist with a PhD and try to realize that "talk therapy" is just part of it. You need to have a few sessions where they sit there and listen (while helping you to realize things yourself) so they can figure out what will best help you. There is a reason that you find this man alluring - your narc father is probably a good place to start. My mom is NPD / HPD.

Narc rages are something else - I've been there. The whites of the eyes - the complete obliteration of you as a target - the inability to apologize or do / say anything that will make them stop screaming at you. When he first started with the rages, I would just leave. I remember clearly the first one - I was in the car with him and just praying I would last until the car stopped so I could get out and run. Leaving the premises seems to be the best option - as well as not reacting - not showing weakness.

Counseling will make you stronger. It may even give you the strength to leave. I would never have been able to do it, so I wish you luck. I know how they suck you in - I still love my ex, still miss him - although I go through periods where I think I'm better. The pain has lessened. I've been about six months no contact and the end of September will be a year since the breakup. I've had other love affairs. I know in my heart he's a pathetic excuse for a man, and so bad for me. But for some reason I can't let go. This may have to do with my own disorder, or it may not. Narc abuse is tough to escape from.

What you need to pay attention to is your status on the idealization pedestal. If you can't keep yourself up there, you are in for a pretty shocking devaluation - when you least expect it and when you are at your lowest. When they are done with you, you are "garbage" - no longer worthy of their time. And they want you to be destroyed. Mine wants me destroyed and invisible. Any sign of my success, my existence, makes him angry. We work together, so I literally can't disappear.

It sucks. I have no way back into his heart (not that he ever loved me anyway, but I used to think he did). I want the illusion back. That's what you miss - the adrenaline rush when things are good. I feel like there's this steel cord binding me to him that I can't seem to undo.

One day at a time. It does get better. I spent months obsessing about it. Tried to die. Am steal dealing with trauma from the suicide attempt, not to mention I'm terrified of him and he is there at work twice a week (although we are teachers, so we thankfully don't cross paths much). I know what he is capable of and it frightens me. But I miss him. God knows why. I just miss him.

It's a long road - but you need to focus on YOU, because that's all you can change. And don't feel sorry for him too much. Remember he's not feeling sorry for YOU. It's all about him. That's how they operate. It will always be all about him.

We'll both make it. One day at a time.

Devilyoudon't,

Hi. Here are some thoughts that came to my mind quickly as I skimmed your post:

I don't know if you have health insurance which covers therapy, or if you have the means to pay for therapy. If you do, great. I strongly suggest therapy if you've been in the squirrel-cage for 5 years.

I don't think you need to have a PhD therapist, especially if you can't afford it. But you should shop around for a good therapist who has experience with women's issues and abuse. When you interview a potential therapist, tell them straight up what you've written here. In fact, print it off and read it to them if you want. Ask them, as part of your initial interview, to tell you some of their thoughts about your situation. Ask them to be direct and straight-shooting. If they can't come back with some few good solid statements of your situation to you, then move on and look for another therapist. I know what I'm talking about here... really .

If you can't afford therapy, get your phone book and start calling around for help for women in abusive relationships. If you're in the US, call women's shelters, Social Service agencies, women's hotlines, call female therapists offices and ask for phone numbers, etc. There are lots of services for women to help them break ties with those who are bad or unhealthy or abusive to them.
You just need to ask around, and then followthrough.

Find some 12 Step Alanon meetings. Go to those. Every single week. Read the literature. You'll find women (and men) there who are in exactly your situation - they're 'addicted' to people who have behaviors that are not healthy for them. They're codependents. These groups specialize in helping codenpendents step away from their codependency. And they're FREE!

Read book on codependency. Somewhere on the forum I wrote down, several times, a list of books to help folks with codependency issues. Search this forum for my name and 'codependent' and you'll find the threads.

You might want to search threads for posts made by Normal? and onthebrink, and even shivers further back (though she can get quite angry)... women who were in codependent relationships with (most probably disordered) men. These are smart, intelligent women who write well and who used therapy and reading very well and to their advantage to break free and come out the other side stronger than they were before.

You could also read some of my posts, but I've been here (off and on) a long time and it's harder to find posts of mine which might be on topic for your needs.

Why don't you make 5 YEARS be enough time wasted?

Balls in your court now... best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you followup with some of things I've recommended. And welcome to the forum.

Lifesong

EC, LifeSong,

Thank you for your replies. Sincerely.

I just arrived home after a day at the beach with my best friends, then a barbecue, laughters and just some amazing moments spent with dear friends who make me feel at my best.

I arrive home and 10 minutes later, I get a phone call from him. Plus a voice mail message. From a phone booth.

He knows I'm home.

He's somewhere around and probably saw the lights and doors were shut all day and night meaning I wasn't home.

I get a second phone call, then another voice mail message.

He's lying. He says he has no idea why I'm making such a big deal of what happened and why I won't take his calls. He knows *exactly* what he did. He knows why I won't take his calls.

He sent 3 police cars at my place! He threatened me with stuff that I feel very vulnerable about!

He is the enemy.

And yet, he expects me to explain it to him??? Like it's not clear enough all the pain and trouble he caused me? I would need to *explain* to him why I feel he's a f.ucking as.shole and why I want as.sholes like him out of my life??

It's just too much.

And now he just sent me a text message whining not to abandon him? And that he's sooooo sad and lonely and he loooooves me? Like, yeah, come back baby! I miss your abuse! Come home so we can pretend that you didn't do what you did for the 644783 times. And lets spend another 3 days together, hugging each other cause we are both sick f.ucks who can't get our sh.it together.

And on the 3rd day, you will get all haughty and full of your sh.itty self again and I will ask you calmly to tone it down and you will get all pompous and tell me I'm a self righteous bitch and when I will ask you to leave my place you will send an army back saying I murdered someone and he's in my closet?

Why don't I just f.ucking go ahead and answer his calls! He's begging me the poor thing!

He says he only has me! I know that! But I don't feel sad about it! He did this to himself!

I'm sorry... lots of sun... a bit of alcohol... I'm tired... and I guess I'm frustrated to face my reality after having such a great day and night with such fun, normal and healthy friends.

I come back home and this is what was waiting for me.

No, it's not true.

I got 2 replies from amazing women.

Thank you so much girls for your replies. This is very beautiful and positive and I am grateful for you both taking time to write back.

So I will just relax and try to surf on the good vibes, love and affection I got today and try not to think of the negative.

I turned my phone off. I can't deal with his whining.

After spending such a beautiful day among such good people, coming home to find your 2 replies filled with hope, it would be an insult to listen to him.

*sighs*

What a trip this life turned out to be. Do I have any control?

I will go to therapy.

And I will answer both of your posts separately. Tomorrow. After a good night of sleep.

At least I'm not alone in this. I will get help.

I need it.

Sweet dreams girls, will reply tomorrow.

Hi Devil

I've not posted much here - I've just lurked with the intention of understanding my situation and healing myself as best I can. So I can provide a perspective for you that I hope helps a tiny little bit.

Therapy:

No doubt you need it. I thnk everyone who posts here does. However, I think the therapy we get from these boards is invaluable. Because it's not just talking we get out of it - it's responsive, understanding, help, support and care. It's anonymous therefore we aren't judged by a physical being in front of us (which is what freaks me out when I started therapy - I felt judged yet strangely ignored due to the lack of response from the therapist) I too quit after 3 sessions.

No Contact:

Please change your phone numbers and email address. If at all possible - move. I'm serious. He is still at the point where he hounds you constantly. OMG I actually felt a pang of jealousy when I read that. Seriously I'm messed up! I actually wished my ex N was contacting me as much as you yours. Mine only contacts me when his surrogate mummy (another ex) tells him she doesn't love him or doesn't want to see him. I'm a secondary source and he can go for weeks without contacting me. Then when he does it's like the intervening NC has been imagined. He contacted me on Tuesday night to try and elicit empathy for a show we both watch on TV. I didn't respond. I then got a text message meant for the other ex - sent twice - which clearly detailed they were arguing, that he wanted to talk and ended with "I love you" in capital letters. I responded telling him he'd text me in error. Did not display emotion or anger. Just "You appear to be sending texts to me instead of someone else by mistake" - As if it was a mistake!

You would not believe the gaslight text I got the following morning. Seriously. It was "I don't know why I sent that text - or who to. I was really drunk and stoned. Etc etc" No apology and expecting me not to realise it was to her. He then started to email like nothing had happened. So I called him on it. Things got heated from my side. I called him a see you next Tuesday (sorry I know that's offensive but I was at the end of my tether) and asked him to stop contacting me - to erase my email and mobile number (he doesn't know where I live as I've moved) and "not to contact me - even with your last f''ing breath" His response: "Are you sure you want me to erase your contact details?"

Emotionally detaching:

Not simple as you well know. You have to realise the following:

There are billions of people in this world. All of us unique. Therefore it is a scientific and mathematical impossibility that there is such a thing as a "soulmate". This is fact. NOONE is our missing other half. When you meet someone who you like the look of, who shares some or a lot of your interests, your values, your ideals and your way of thinking you should understand that this is part luck and part mirroring. At the start of a relationship it is common for people to bury the more unsavoury aspects of themselves. I certainly don't meet new people and say "Hey! I'm co-dependent, slightly HPD and a nightmare when drunk. I can be shallow, greedy and believe I'm intellectually superior to you. I'm a lazy slob but because genetics gave me a decent slim build body with small breasts and a phat ass I'm judgemental about any woman who's heavier than me. And don't get me started on women with large or fake breasts. I'm soooo jealous of them I'm especially disparaging to those poor souls. I had an unhappy childhood at the hands of my HPD mother and NPD step-father and if we get into a sexual relationship I will mess you up so much you will wish you'd never met me"

If I did that I'd scare away any sort of contact with anyone new - male or female. Yet spend more than a few hours with me and I'm sure you'd get a glimmer of understanding of the above. What I'm trying to say in my own messed up way is that you can remember the good times with your ex but they were manufactured good times, by him, to keep you in his life as you were providing a service to him. Please remember the bad times. Someone doesn't love you or care for you or have your best interests at heart if they cause you pain (physically, mentally or emotionally)

Anger:

If you feel you need to get angry then do so. Go buy a load of old plates and mugs and drive out to somewhere quiet and smash then the f.uc.k up. Scream shout wail and cry while you do so. That worked for me. It may for you but if not try to find a safe release for your anger. I spent HOURS obsessing on what I'd do to my ex if/when I saw him again (I'm lucky as he lives miles away) and my goal is to think of him less each day until one day I will only give him seconds of my time thinking of him with pity. That day will come. Admittedly I've been thinking of him constantly while typing this but my final piece of advise relates to that. While I've been thinking about him for the past half hour I'm certain of the following. He's probably asleep and not thinking of me. If he's awake, he's mooching around in his apartment alone trying to take care of himself (making the rubbish coffee he's fond of, getting OCD about the state of the place, constantly surfing for porn and ideas to overthrow the government while never leaving his computer) and not thinking of me. Or his other ex is with him and they're chatting, which will lead to arguing and then he'll hit or kick her again - and he'll STILL not be thinking of me. So if that's the case he doesn't deserve my thoughts. And after posting this I will surf and read for half an hour then live my life. Please start living yours too honey. Five years is a long time - you must start winning that time back for you.

Sorry to prattle on - hope a tiny bit of my whining helps! You can do this and there are people on this board who are testament to that.

What is wrong with me? Where do I start to fix myself?

Devil,

I think this is a question we all ask ourselves. My answer is this: Nothing is "wrong" with you. You got sucked in by someone who "isn't." Your BF is an illusion. When you met and fell in love with this guy, my bet is that he was so darned perfect for you that you couldn't believe your good luck. And my next bet is that once he felt his victim wasn't going anywhere, that's when he dropped the facade.

Narcs are social chameleons. They are very good at being whatever we want them to be - for a short while. They NEED victims. They're emotional serial killers.

You are his NPD co-dependent and he's counting on you to stay that way. He's conditioned you very well. You are now PART of his disorder. This doesn't make you a bad person or make you "wrong." It makes you HUMAN.

Your writing tells me you are very much aware of the situation. That's half the battle. You KNOW what's going on; you KNOW what he is; you know YOU have an issue with being unable to let go.

Now, how do you get yourself back and him out of your life?

There have been suggestions here for therapy, all good suggestions. One jumped out at me: Al-Anon. A 12-step coping program will do amazing things for your self esteem and for helping you to stay strong when you need to be strong. You may have to try more than one group before you find one you are comfortable with. Rather than Al-Anon, may I suggest: http://www.coda.org/ ?

This group is specifically designed to deal with co-dependency issues. If you can't find one in your area, then I'd say the next best is Al-Anon.

I spent 10 years in 12 step programs. I went to AA to figure out who my family is, Al-anon to learn to cope, Adult Children of Alcoholics to learn who I am, and Coda to learn how to have a healthy relationship. Honey, sometimes having a healthy relationship means having NO RELATIONSHIP AT ALL until you are healed.

It's easy for a bunch of anonymous internet forum members to tell you to get away NOW, to cut contact, to get therapy, etc. We say that because we've been there and we KNOW the pain.

You've been with this guy for 5 years. He's got you convinced he has no one else. That's total BS. He got you, didn't he? He'll find another victim. You are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect; of having your emotions, thoughts and actions honored and validated. You have the same fear I used to have: "What if I don't find someone else?"

The odds are very good that you will find someone else, but may I advise that you don't go looking until you are healed from this debacle? Find out what causes you to be his victim. Devil, this isn't love. He does not love you. He is incapable of love. He's an emotional terrorist.

How to get angry? Well, you could think of him as your emotional 9/11. That's a horrible analogy but it's what he's doing to you. Look at photos of Ground Zero. That's what he will do to you if you don't get the help you need. His primary goal is to destroy, because through destruction he gains power. The more destruction he can cause, the more powerful he becomes.

Tap into your own power. It will be hard at first, to even find it, but you have way more power than he does. You won't feel good using it, either, not at first. You'll feel like a schmuck and that's what he'll want you to feel like.

There was some advice to get a new phone number. I'd do that. It's worth it. Change your email and send out a bulk email to all your contacts that this is your new email and the old one will no longer be in use - ever again.

Moving is a very dramatic thing to do. Instead of moving, and if you are serious about emotionally detaching, call the police and make them aware of the situation. They will tell you that they can do nothing right now because no crime has been committed. That's okay. What you've done is gone on record with them stating that he is stalking you (which he is) and that you want them to know that he is not allowed on or near your property or person and that you do not want him to contact you. Post a no-trespassing sign on your front door, in your yard, someplace visible. The police may advise you to contact him one more time, to let him know that he is never to contact you again, in any fashion, or they may offer to make a trip to his home to advise him of that themselves.

Where I live, once that's done, anyone who oversteps those boundaries can be arrested. I had to call the police this morning because MY narc showed up on my front porch in the wee hours of the morning to "return" a gift I'd returned to him. It was on my rocking chair when I went out on the porch this morning. He had to force open a locked storm door that had a "no trespassing" sign on it, placed there by my landlady (an easy force - it's just a latch), and walk to the corner of my porch where my rocker sits and put this item in the seat of the rocker.

I gave the police the "gift" and told them where to look for more like it in his home (it's part of a collection of similar items) so he can't say it wasn't him. Of course his prints will be all over it anyway.

He will be arrested for trespass this morning and then will be let go on his own recognizance as he has no record. I'm certain he will attempt to contact me, at which point I will again call the police.

My narc has shown no tendencies toward physical violence - yet. I recently found out though, that he lied to me about two very important issues, and I managed to save an acquaintance of mine much heartache when she called me, all excited, a few nights ago, thinking she'd found her "dream man" on the dating site she used. She sent me this guy's profile and photo as an attachment. Guess who it was? When I told her about him, she then forwarded their email exchanges to me and he's lying to someone - either me or her. I showed her where the lies were and at first she didn't want to believe me- she wanted to believe what he had told her about me, but she knew better. He never told her my name - just referred to me as his "ex." (three months qualifies me as an ex????) I read all about me, from his sick perspective. It made me want to vomit and peal with laughter at the same time. Doesn't matter, though. It's good to find this out, because it just reinforces my decision to excise him like the cancer he is.

Would you allow someone to torture your body for five years in the painful way he's tortured your emotions? My guess is that you wouldn't. Emotional torture doesn't leave visible scars, but it leaves scars, nonetheless.

Try CoDa and see if they can help. You MUST get strong. Believe in yourself, know that you are worthy of better and that you WILL find better once you are healed.

Love, good energy and light, ladybug!

Great post. Whew! That took a long time to write. But bet it felt good to you, too, huh?

CoDA IS the better place to go. The problem is that the meetings are very limited and not available in most areas. Still, the literature is good and can often be obtained by calling central offices.
If there is no CoDA meetings in your area, do AlaNon, which also has a codependent focus to it's literature and meetings.

Hi,
My on and off boyfriend just got diagnosed by our therapist with Narcissism. I was shocked only because our 5 sessions up to that point was US working on our relationship and I felt I was going mad because he would promise to do what she asked - as did I - and as soon as we walked out the door, he would resort to his mind boggling behavior. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. So I had a one on one with the therapist and she told me - you are dealing with Narcissism. BANG. She read the 'symptoms' from her medical terminalogy book and I was like Yep, CHECK, Yep CHECK. I was relieved and scared at the some time. She said - come in with him next week as planned and we will see how he reacts when I recommend a specialist. She also said - DO NOT mention this to him OR fight over the next weekend. She has hope for him and in a small way, so do I. But reading these posts, and the more I learn about it, I am lost....

Looking back at how he made our relationship so much more complicated than it had to be....some verbal abuse to make me feel like I'm to blame, dissing my friends to emotional detach me from them (which I never did - which I think made him more resentful). Lies! OMG the lies. I knew his relationship with his father was completely LOVE/HATE. They talk 5 times a day and his father tries to have all his sons under his thumb, but the father also tries to be with BF whenever he can - watching his kids, guilt that he doesnt call or visit enough. BF is his father, and I made the mistake of pointing it out and these "rages" were consistent whenever I didnt see things his way. I felt bad or him - because I saw the hold his father had. His father put BF on a pedestal - he could do no wrong. BF would treat his dad with comtempt, but would run to him whenever times got tough - at 38 years old! BF had no close friends, he always had reasons, but they must have seen things I refused to.

I don't consider myself a co-dependent. I am independent to a fault. I think he saw me as an extreme challenge. He seeks out strong women (his ex-wife was the same way). She ended up cheating on him...now I wonder what really happened. He is charming, handsome, caring, giving, thoughtful, affectionate...but high maintenance. I read that Narc's hate the words "I love you"....he needed to hear it 24/7 - the neediness was exhausting sometimes! Was it all an act? The mask they wear to get what they want? I feel duped, foolish and mad at myself for investing in someone I thought would keep their promises and try to back off the neediness and the lying through many therapists. His flips this switch and suddenly he is calling me a whore or I'm too negative and selfish. He makes me feel guilty about leaving his children (with I have been attached to and vice versa). I have no kids of my own and I lost my job recently....I'm 39 and I feel that is mainly why I hold on....if it "worked"...I would have the family I always wanted and he wants to have another child. There is so much more to our story....narcissism seems very scary and I just want to be happy. I feel better reading that I am not alone in my situtation. I'm sure as the "diagnosis" is revealed next week to him, I will be back to research this site more on how to love on from loving a narcissist... take care!