HELP! recovery for newly self aware narcissist

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post but after hours of reading about this personality disorder I know I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I tested with a high score too. I also have histrionic personality disorder and I am bipolar, adhd, and a substance and alcohol abuser. I come from a npd parents and grandparents. My relationships are almost exclusively with npds as well. I have recovered from body dysmorphic disorder and trichotillomania. I am no longer scared of the dark or bugs. I am capable of being alone for long periods of time without attention. After reading about npd I fear that recovery is difficult and sometimes unattainable.

I need better connections with the people in my life. I am weary of the altercations, anger and criticisms of me. I don't want to do what I am doing any more. Because of the new substance addictions I have I am putting myself in risky situations and involved with a more damaged, untrustworthy and base level of person than I ever have before. My feelings of superiority separate me from the actual events and people I am continually involved with, I felt good about that but they, having such low opinions of themselves have low opinions of me as well. This came as a shocker and an eye opener.

I am also now in my late 40's and the value I placed on my looks and sexuality seem to need a revision in order to maintain my self respect. Men and many women have always been a source of attention, worship, adoration and I have been spoiled rotten with all that they have had to offer me. I say spoiled rotten like spoiled milk, nobody wants it! I have been supported financially for most of my adult life and can't make it on my own. I have had the best and most of everything.

Sadly, I cannot make it by myself. I can't support myself. I can't give myself a fix without altering my reality with drugs and alcohol. My closest friends and family disrespect me. I deserve it, I know.

I want to hear there is recovery from being so self absorbed and dependent on attention and love. I want to know what I have to do. I fake it?

All I know is how to get the attention that I need, and how the attention that I need is enough until it's just not. Mostly the attention I get is not enough. I drain the life out of people and still not satisfied.

Think of others? I think of them all the time. I know all about them. I feel for them. I feel too much. I need them.

Nobody needs me. (except my dog, and I can't form an empathetic attachment to him.. and he is depressed and neglected. I can't take the guilt)

I am ready to work and change. Please help me with my dread and agonies.

Is this just another attention seeking endeavor?

If you live in a place where therapy is free, please make an urgent appointment now. If you live in an area where therapy is not free and you cannot afford it, please, please try to find out if there is any way that you could obtain therapy - charitable organisations etc. Read self help books, join support groups, keep involved with this forum and try to look inside yourself for the causes of your distress. Learn to love yourself in a way that is not narcissitic, accepting yourself faults and all, that does not depend on outside sources for validation or supply. Try to constantly put yourself in the shoes of another and read all you can about psychology in general. I do not know if you are narcissistic or not, and you will only know for sure if you are officially diagnosed. Beware of internet tests as they do not replace a full psychiatric evaluation. Good luck.

Maybe you could try religion. If you have a religion, study it and look for examples of the type of person you want to be, and/or suggestions how to get that way. For example, if you're Christian, Jesus is a good example of humility. There is the story of him washing another person's feet, how he would willingly associate with lepers, and how he chose to stay with Lazarus instead of a more respected person in that city. I suggest looking into Buddhism - you don't have to get fanatical, just read a little and keep it in your thoughts. Read the story of how it was founded, and the 4 Noble Truths and Eightfold Path. One major function of almost any religion is to overcome the temptation to engage in the destructive behavior we often feel compelled to do. Religion tries to restrain the worse parts of human nature. If you're religious, use religion to work on this aspect of your life. If not, you still might benefit from studying religion or talking to religious people.

If you are having substance abuse issues, you can get free help! Look online for the local AA or NA group. They have meetings all over the place.

I really hope things work out for you! You have made the first step by looking inside, and that is very hard!

Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. I knew I was a narcissist and when reading about that I came upon the personality disorder. Every description and definition describes me perfectly except I don't want to control or have authority over anybody and I do feel other peoples pain. I am overly sensitive I think to others suffering. However I can still be very cruel and manipulative. I fit the description of histrionic perfectly too. However, I don't really understand if this means I have a borderline personality disorder by default because that definition does not ring true to me. I don't feel that unstable or fragile and I don't act like a drama queen. I can maintain under the most intense of circumstances.. which I think is a npd trait, right? I feel separate and untouchable even when I am in the most powerless situations.

The more I read about it the worse I felt. Almost everyone in my family and everyone I associate with has it in one form or another. Of course they would all deny it.

It seemed such a terrible curse to have this trait that they have to write books on recovery for people who associate with us. All the recovery books are for the victims of the npd and not the npd at all. I am definitely a victim of all the npd's in my life time but I believe that I can only change myself and I choose not to be a victim but a survivor and recognize that they will have to deal with their own demons like I will with mine. My entire life I knew I didn't want to be like my dad or my mom. Naturally I inherited the worst of both of them but admitting that to myself means I have to do something, try anything to rise above that negative reality.

I was reading another npd posting by a young man who just figured out that he has npd and he couldn't find a way out of it either so he made a plan that I thought very reasonable. Someone posted a comment that he is practicing mindfulness. So after finding out what that is I felt a huge sense of relief, there is something I can do! I can practice it minute by minute and breath by breath till it becomes natural for me. It's rewards are self awareness, connectedness with God and loving relationships where I feel love, give and receive love.

Mindfulness is so much better than what I thought I was going to have to do. As far as God in my life, I feel we are very close, though I believe in a lenient loving God who lets me do whatever I want to do and still have his love. I know that is just me wanting to self indulge and feel love at the same time. Mindfulness brings God into every moment. As far as alcohol and substance abuse the rewards outweigh the damage for me, I don't even want to get clean and sober... but practicing mindfulness and continuing to drink and do drugs will never work I fear, so I am endeavoring to give them up one moment at a time. I love to gossip about people and their lives and that will be very hard for me to give up, maybe the hardest of all. Mindfulness sounds wonderful to me and I am assuming what it can do for me but actually doing it is proving very, very difficult. I have been practicing for about 7 hours now and I don't think I've achieved it for more than a minute at a time. I am still encouraged. The more I practice the easier it will come to me.. I hope and have to believe that.

I talk too much and need people in my life to listen to me. Today I practiced being quiet. It is near to impossible. My mind is exploding with all the npd information and then all the mindfulness information. With all I have read I just want to talk about it! Silent is hidden in the word listen. If I am always talking or thinking about what I want to say I can't listen. I can't listen to God.

Thank you again for replying to me and pointing me towards God and NA, both are exactly the best advice. Why would I post I do drugs if I don't want to be told to quit? Because my confessions are attention seeking for me. Hopefully my new endeavor to be aware and mindful of my moments I can stop admitting my faults to everyone around me.

I know this is too long winded, which is normal for me, I can say that I do have medical care with a psychiatrist. I am bipolar and take a lot of prescriptions for it. I have had many different psychs over the years and most of them I don't respect at all. I just say everything is fine and get my scripts and get out. They are only there to prescribe not counsel. Two years ago I tried to find a therapist. Nobody was accepting new patients, nobody returned my calls after leaving countless messages on every answering service in town. Then one man answered, and got me right in. He saw me twice before telling me that he couldn't treat me as a man and he thought I should see a woman. He referred me to a woman who I saw weekly for about three months but she just laughed at all my stories and I ended up telling stories I thought she would enjoy and there was no therapy happening, it was money spent every week doing something I could do for free to almost anybody else. I always manipulate therapy sessions because I can. Ideally I would find the right therapist and get working on rising above all of many conditions. I can't afford it, I don't believe I can find one I would respect and would be able to discern when I was sincere or manipulating. That's just an npd trait, right?

My church has meetings and group studies, I plan on getting more involved. I plan on meditating and studying yoga and mindfulness. I'm excited about all my new plans and my goal of mindfulness.

This very moment now, is ultimately the only moment you have. Mindfulness shows you how to live in this moment in a harmonious way. You find out how to make the present moment a more wonderful moment to be in - the only place you can create, decide, listen, think, smile, act, love or live.

I am not what happened to me - I am what I choose to become.