Narc ex is ruining my career. Advice?

I don't even know where to begin.

I have a predilection for narcissistic men. I'm not perfect either. I have HPD w/ borderline traits. My relationship with my most recent ex (a cerebral narc) ended with my suicide attempt. Yes, I have abandonment issues, etc. but I had lived a normal, functional life until I met this man. It was the quintessential abrupt devalue/discard scenario after I had found evidence of his infidelity. Since the attempt (7 months ago), I have been in therapy and have tried to find some sort of closure to what was left metaphorically wide open and bleeding by this man. I'm a very emotional person (HPD) so that doesn't help.

My ex and I work together. I'm a 3rd year PhD student and teacher at a university at which I have worked for five years. I am very successful and have made a number of strong relationships with both colleagues and faculty. My ex entered the university three years ago and is also a graduate student and teacher. Since the devalue /discard, he has given me the silent treatment and offered not a word of goodbye to my children. In the month following the breakup, I tried to contact him on ten different occasions via emails which discussed everything from items that needed returning, to birthday wishes, to apologies for my part in the breakup, etc. All of these emails were kind, apologetic, forgiving, and expressed concern about his emotional state. None of them were answered and no inquiry was ever made as to my health or my children. Utter silence.

Five months ago, I realized that I just needed to leave him the heck alone. He was expressing intense anger to mutual friends about the fact that i was contacting him. The fact remains, however, that we are colleagues, work together on a literary journal, and I was hoping that we could eventually come to some sort of amicable understanding that we would be civil to each other in the workplace (not friends, mind you, just friendly acquaintances). I also wanted to walk away from the relationship with some sense that the overall experience was positive in some way. So, in this five month period, I sent four emails (and I have copies of all these), reminding him that I would be his friend, that I wished him well, and hoping that we could put the past behind us. The last of these four was responded to - it was a threat that if I contacted him again, he would go to university officials to have me prosecuted for contacting him. Being HPD and a bit impulsive, I responded by totally telling him off. This was the first email I had ever sent that was not kind and affectionate. Apparently he took this email to the university office of judicial affairs and I was issued a "no contact directive" which means I can't be anywhere near him or contact him in any way.

In addition to this, I was informed by the department secretary that immediately after the breakup he spoke with my boss and divulged information about my suicide attempt. I have also heard from numerous colleagues that he sits in public meeting places on campus with other colleagues and regularly calls me crazy, a stalker, and tells people that we broke up because I was possessive (he was cheating on me) and "jealous of his accomplishments" (btw I am much more accomplished and have more awards and publications than he does) and that these things freaked him out so he dumped me. I have no idea who else he has told about the suicide attempt, but all of this is making it very difficult for me to go to work.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my boss to try and tell my side of the story and offer proof that I am not a "stalker" and have not "threatened" him in any way. I feel like he has orchestrated this whole situation with the "silent treatment" in order to gather evidence against me and defame my character. I literally cannot work with him any longer. I am frightened that he is going to claim, if I go ANYWHERE on campus and accidentally bump into him, that I broke the no contact order, and then I will have a permanent disciplinary action on my record.

I'm not perfect, but I have apologized to this man for any harm I caused him. He has not offered a word of apology to me for anything he's done. Nobody believes me that he was verbally and psychologically abusive and raged at me on nearly a daily basis. I have a woman's advocate from the university attending the meeting tomorrow, but if this matter is not resolved, I fear I will have to transfer to another university (which will involve relocating) or take a leave of absence for the next two years until my ex finishes his dissertation and no longer works there. I just can't take this anymore.

Sorry this is so long. Thoughts? Advice? Please be compassionate.

You are right it is exactly what he is doing. He wants you to react in an abnormal or negative way, so he can use it against you. Expressive I have saw your posts alot and I think you are a bright woman and I am sure you are beautiful. The best thing you can do is get another man and parade him around in front of this manipulator. And forget him. Let him have some agony in his life. he feels nothing and you need to stop contacting him. I know you already know this. The more you contact him the more control he thinks he has. You have the control, you control yourself and that is all any of us have control over.

they want you to react in a negative way so they can say, see I told you that you were crazy. While they will only act crazy when no one can find out what they are doing, such as when you are alone together. never ever say anything to him by email unless you sound totally sane, do not say anything derogatory. You are pretty impulsive I can tell by your posts. Do not do anything out of anger or without thinking about it first. We can not manipulate these people as they are so much better at it than we are. But we can familiarize ourselves with the nature of the beast in order to better arm ourselves against them.

I know that you feel something for him and have seen you want him. I feel the same as to mine. I know he withheld sex all the time much like mine did. that is part of the mind fu&%^ing that they do to us. He knows you need to be around him for work, so him ignoring you is his way of having control. It is all about control and being above you constantly trying to get on top of you (not literally).


Forget him and get a man better looking or more successful and watch him squirm. I know you know how to work that stuff, you are a woman.

I will happily forget him, but I am not going to let him take away what I have worked for the past five years. Is there any defense that can be made? I have copies of all the emails, and while a bit emotional, they are generally kind and compassionate. I have invited the woman's advocate to the meeting because I plan to bring up the narcissistic abuse as a means of defending myself (even though I literally have no proof). Is there any chance any of this will be believed?

I'm a trained rhetorician and have a written outline of how I will present the objectives of this meeting, the breach of privacy and public discussions of sensitive information with both colleagues and faculty, the slander, and the manner in which I was abused on the night of the breakup. I am also bringing a letter from my therapist that merely states I have been attending therapy for the past 8 months.

Do you think anyone is going to believe anything I say? Or will he always be the victim merely because I emailed him and he never responded?

btw my "boss" or director is a Prof who I have worked with closely for the last five years and someone I consider a friend. Is there any chance of having any disciplinary action taken against my ex? Perhaps they will at least give him a slap on the wrist and tell him to shut up about me?

I'm so frustrated. I know he wants to drive me from my workplace. Then he can truly go on with the "I do not exist" scenario. He's just PO'd because he hasn't published anything this year. Stinker. I'm "jealous of his success"? What success? grrrr

expressivecreative wrote:I will happily forget him, but I am not going to let him take away what I have worked for the past five years

I agree that you should protest this action he’s making against you. When I read your first post, I was going to recommend that you set up a meeting with the decision-makers, but I see you’ve already done that.

Is there any defense that can be made? I have copies of all the emails, and while a bit emotional, they are generally kind and compassionate. I have invited the woman's advocate to the meeting because I plan to bring up the narcissistic abuse as a means of defending myself (even though I literally have no proof). Is there any chance any of this will be believed?

The difficulty, as you probably already know, is that your actions have made you your own worst enemy here. I’m going to say some truth here, but I do not mean it harshly at all; I just think you need to be sure you’re seeing things clearly – you need to be looking at things from the perspective of your boss and the decision-makers if you are to be successful with your defense. While many relationships end, very few end with a dramatic suicide attempt such as you’ve described you did. If I remember, you said that you rang his doorbell and presented yourself, bloody, on his doorstep. EC, that is very very dramatic and it is also frightening to the observer. I am not blaming you; I am trying to help you see your actions through the lens of others.

If he is truly narcissistic, this action of yours would be drama that he could use against you as he continues to devalue you because you called him on his own unfaithfulness/poor behavior.

If he is not, you have deeply scared him with this action and he wishes nothing more to do with you.

Either way, he clearly went ‘no contact’ with you, but you ignored that. I believe that your many emails were warm and affectionate, but still, by contacting him at all, you’ve crossed the boundaries he set up for what he thought was his own wellbeing, and the emails showed some disrespect of him. I hope you can see that. And, if he is a narcissist, you gave him ammunition as well. I think he showed proper restraint in not responding to your emails at all; he was clearly sending you messages by each non-response that he wanted no further contact with you. That may feel harsh, EC, but it is his right to set that limit. I am not saying that his actions with you during your relationship were correct or good or nice or anything; they may very well have not been. Still, when you did your suicide gesture, and he then refused further contact with you, you should have left off contacting him too. Because you did not, you now look like you are the one with the problem. Again, I am saying this not to hurt you but to try to help you to better defend yourself.

I'm a trained rhetorician and have a written outline of how I will present the objectives of this meeting, the breach of privacy and public discussions of sensitive information with both colleagues and faculty, the slander, and the manner in which I was abused on the night of the breakup. I am also bringing a letter from my therapist that merely states I have been attending therapy for the past 8 months.
Do you think anyone is going to believe anything I say? Or will he always be the victim merely because I emailed him and he never responded?

I think that there is a chance that you will be believed, and that you might be able to get some kind of action, or at least a letter or talk with him that will warn him to stop discussing you with others and to let this issue cease. But, you will have to be very calm, very controlled, very certain, very professional, very logical, very concerned in your meeting with your boss.

Any untoward show of emotion will work against you. You should lay your own case out simply, without a lot of extraneousness, showing/stating the facts with reasonable explanations, taking responsibility where you should (your suicide attempt) and explaining the stressors he created that contributed to that, explaining that your emails to him were your efforts to establish at least a working harmony since he was tacitly ignoring you in the workplace and that, to work together, you both at least needed to be able to speak respectfully about work issues, etc. Again, no drama! No over-emotionality.

Just facts, laid out logically and in a flow that makes it easy for your boss to come to the conclusion that you want him to come to... which is that you made missteps but so did this man – neither of you are innocent and neither of you are solely to blame. Once you’ve established that, given your presentation of the facts, then I would ask for this man to either be given a letter, or be talked to, and told to cease discussing you in any derogatory way with others immediately, and to work professionally with you as your work necessitates.

That is all you can really ask for, and that is all that your workplace can offer. But, it is not asking for much and is very do-able by the university w/o their incurring any risk, and it is a nice neat solution to this presenting problem which they have an investment in solving for their own good, as well as for yours and this mans. I would definitely ask for this remedy. But make the remedy follow from your presentation, and make it sound reasonable.

And then, of course, do not in any way engage with this man except for professional reasons. And then keep it absolutely professional. If your future actions show your ability to maintain this level of professionalism, you will again get the goodwill and recover the loss of respect that your previous actions took from you. P.S. They were your actions, EC (the suicide attempt and the plethora of emails). I would stop blaming this man for what you perceive as his ‘s**&-stirring’, even though it might be true, because that will only keep your emotions stirred up in this, and could trigger you to lose your professionalism with him some time in the future.

Keep your cool!

Expressive, there is loads of hope.

People will place more emphasis on what happens in the meeting than on the past - this is human nature.

Look super cute in the meeting (not sexy).

Keep what you say really brief. The suicide attempt, all that, can be best dealt with simply by saying "it was a really bad break-up but it's over now."

Beyond that, simply say
1. You wish no further interaction with him, just to be civil when necessary.
2. Your emails to him were aimed at creating a working relationship going forward, even if that is not how he took them.
3. You are here in this meeting to establish rules to enable you both to work together ie what happens when you bump into each other around campus? You want it understood that this is not you breaching "no contact."
4. Beyond that, as far as you are concerned, the matter is in the past.

Do not attempt to get him told off. Do not produce copies of the emails, outlines, pie charts, letters from therapists etc. You will look over-invested and crazy and rather you want to look as though "it's a non-issue."

If your boss/the Director is a (normal) man, this whole episode will be like shitting bricks for him. He will be dreading it. You can gain big respect and points with him by keeping things really brief and simple. You really don't need to mount a case, you just need to show up and act sanely NOW, when it counts.

Never underestimate the intelligence and common sense of normals. They will all have their own opinions on your ex and they may not be anything like what you think. Conduct yourself calmly from now on and you will undo much damage.

Nobody except him wants to have you fired or force you to move on. Hence, it's not going to happen. Don't get paranoid now, that's playing into his hands. If people there already like you and respect your work, he can't change that (although I'm sure he wishes he could). Just keep your cool, minimize the episode rather than over-blowing it, and in a few months (probably WEEKS) he will just look like a dork if he tries to spin it out any longer, gossips about you, or in any other way tries to get more mileage out of it. Normal people will conclude "Wow this guy is still really hung up on this stuff... I haven't heard Expressive mention it... ever..." Case closed.

Please never get involved with a narcissistic man again. It's not going to work for you. Can you figure out what it is you love that narcissists give you and find that with a normal guy? For example, maybe a normal academic-type guy isn't going to do it for you, but what about looking at a different type of guy? How about a normal entrepreneur... property developer... a corporate lawyer... athlete... I agree with Harley that one can tell you are beautiful just by reading your posts. Maybe you keep becoming involved with narcissistic men because they are the most stimulating men on your social/work scene? Break out of that there bubble, girl!!

Thanks to all of you for the excellent advice. I do feel like there is a lot of hope. I recently also heard that the Professor he works with (who also attended the meeting in which my personal information was divulged) is strongly disliked by my director. I have a good relationship with my director, so I think things will go well. I had a guy friend of mine (who is normaller than normal lol) look over my outline and he reiterated what Anais said - be brief, professional, etc.

He also suggested that if the suicide attempt was divulged to my boss, he was probably horrified that they would reveal such information and is not going to want to talk about any of it.

The meeting's not until later today, so if anyone else has advice, please let me know. Otherwise, I will get back with everyone and let you know how it goes.

Love to all!
EC

To put it in a professional nutshell:

When talking to mentors/bosses keep it to work issues,

Do not discuss reasons for your breakup or your suicide attempt. If you need to disclose your e-mails put it in perspective of wanting a civil professional relationship.

I agree with all of the above except having a new "beau". That will make you look a bit unstable and wouldn't be very fair to the new guy.

arrested wrote:I agree with all of the above except having a new "beau". That will make you look a bit unstable and wouldn't be very fair to the new guy.

I'm not sure what you are referring to here. The male friend that looked at the outline for the meeting is neither a "beau" nor a person with whom I am involved romantically.

I actually don't plan to discuss the suicide attempt at all. I'm sure my director does not want to discuss it and will probably not even bring it up, as it is a sensitive issue that has nothing at all to do with my professional career.

Forget him and get a man better looking or more successful and watch him squirm

This is what I was referring to here. I was trying to help.

Also, I asked in another thread; what is the difference between ignoring and NC.

In my opinion NC is when you stop responding to someone who is abusing you. I'm sure to my stbx NC felt like abuse. He told some neighboirs that he was entitled to continue to stalk me because I kept 'ignoring' him.

I have to say his last 4/5 messasseges very conciliatory. However, his previous 4/5 contacts were abusive/violent.

You see, it's a very fine line.