Narcissists and Memory

I was reading another post and they mentioned they had a really poor memory. I also have a terrible memory - both short and long term.
Do any other Narcissists have a similar problem?
If so, do you think it revolves around our self-centeredness and inability to recall things that don't specifically concern ourselves?

Maybe it was my post you were reading? I am the daughter of a narcissist; I do have narcissistic tendencies myself but without really being narcissistically impaired and yeah, I've got the biographical memory of a money plant. I meet former schoolmates and not only I don't recognize them: I am not even aware they were in my life. When I lived in my native town, I bumped once or twice into complete strangers that revealed to my astonished face they were ex boyfriends of mine . What I do remember, it's completely devoid of emotion, lacking in detail and sometimes reconstructed in hindsight.

I do have a very good short term memory tho; when I am in a relationship, until it ends, I remember every single moment, every single conversation into the tiniest detail. Then, after some time it has ended, I forget everything: it's like trashing a folder on my pc. I study with ease, data just stick to my brain like glitter on a synthetic jumper, just to be brushed away if it stops being useful (e.g. I used to be fluent in a lesser-known language - now that it's no longer relevant to me, I have a hard time even reading it).

I can say my brain travels light. Each year pushes away the previous one: no memory, I don't get old (until recently, I didn't even get adult ). Why? I am not sure. But I do remember that, at the onset of puberty, I happened to be horribly ashamed by something I had done or had happened to me (obviously I don't remember what) and feeling I couldn't live with the memory of my failure, which obsessed me to the point of paralysis, and that I prayed to forget. Maybe my wish has been granted beyond my wildest dreams - for sure failures don't linger in my head anymore, neither successes do. Maybe it's a defence turned habit. But I wouldn't say that I don't remember because it's not about me, quite the other way round - the more it's about me, the more I forget...

My last squeeze, who has a similar psychological makeover, laments the same selective lack of memory; but in his opinion it's because his life is lived in an emotional haze of confusion in the first place. I don't think I can say the same for myself (but I am not sure either).

Hi. One of the problems I have experienced with both my husband and his mother is the selective memory they both have, particularly in relation to behaviour that has been inappropriate or unacceptable. My husband can 'rescript' a conversation, change the order of events or comletely deleat an incident. I have come to recognise this as part of their respective personalities and that it is a defence mechanism. It is very hard to live with and I recently booked myself in for therapy as I was struggling to cope, it is all getting to be too much.

I also have very selective memory. Part of it stems (I think) from the lack of emotional response I feel. I don't really get happy or sad, so when I look back at my history it isn't punctuated by these emotional markers. It all just kind of blurs together... no great loves or passions, no terrible tragedies, just kind of baseline.

I think people who engage in repeated negative behaviour may also kind of edit their own memories to protect them from acknowledging the reality of situation. I know I engaged in some pretty bad borderline OCD behaviour that I have wiped off my slate.

And then I look at my father, who is classic NPD.. much more than myself. He basically reinterprets his reality to fit his own concept of himself. If he doesn't like it, it didn't happen.

daffodil wrote:And then I look at my father, who is classic NPD.. much more than myself. He basically reinterprets his reality to fit his own concept of himself. If he doesn't like it, it didn't happen.

Hahaha... my mother too, and most of the "difficult people" I've met. To the point of denying written evidence or denying something that happened two or three minutes earlier.

I am not sure these denials are effects of a selective memory or made in plain bad faith, tho. I tend to go for a sort of heavy-handed self-serving rationalization - I can't believe they really haven't got five minutes of memory span.

I think a person with NPD has a perfect memory. Like the rest of humans, the npd can remember what is important to them. What is often lacking is the fact that nothing is important to them other than themselves...

A NPD businessman can remember which customers buy and which do not, which employees are good and which are not, etc... He can remember years later a contract he didn't win and who got it insted of him... a NPD can remember exactly what he was doing, what he was thinking, what was important to him, a NPD can remember 40 years after an event exactly what happened, but it had to be all about him !!! They can hold a grudge for years, remember one word said wrong to them in school, the one time a parent tried to tell them to act nice, etc....

A npd can discard people like trash because they have not ever taken the time to really get to know them... then later can say they can't remember the person... Ha!! Just another put down !! First the person is unimportant they are nothing to the npd and can be dumped over the slightest mistake and years later to be told "I don't even remember you existed" ....

They can't remember their lies because they tell so many. They start a conversation on a lie and 3 minutes later change the story. They lie when caught at lying. They say something is very important one minute (to get dramatic effect) and then later says they don't care anything about it one way or the other ! So why have the out rage to begin with? and which is it? It's important and you have to tell us all about it, or you don't care? And don't get angry when the person you are talking to IS listening to the words you are saying and hears you contradict yourself !!!

Well my ex (undxNPD) couldn't remember so much that I used to wonder if it was all a sham, or there was something very wrong with him. He couldn't remember when he got married, when his kids were born, he couldn't even remember the order of key events in his life - like if he bought his second house before or after he'd changed his career -it was really very strange to me. In the end I decided that it was not a sham, he really has no recollection of a lot of things happenening or rather he remembers things but has no interest in when, why or often who he was with when they did.

I now think that this is probably because the level of emotional involvement with life is so low that someone with N tendancies is not going to need to 'mark' anything that does not directly affect them.

So whilst the ex and my father (peas out of a pod) have perfect recall when something has REALLY rattled them,everything else is a sort of blur. This shallow level of connection also explains why they can seem to forget events that to the rest of us are hugely significant, like births, deaths, major arguments etc, LOL you might think that the birth of your children was significant but my N father has NO idea when his 3 children were born, never did and still doesn't, and we're all middle aged now which sometimes surprises him - when he remembers that we exist. Similarly my ex has no idea of his childrens' birthdays. Both he and my father are very good though at reminding the world of when THEIR birthdays are due

tomboy wrote:daffodil wrote:
And then I look at my father, who is classic NPD.. much more than myself. He basically reinterprets his reality to fit his own concept of himself. If he doesn't like it, it didn't happen.

Hahaha... my mother too, and most of the "difficult people" I've met. To the point of denying written evidence or denying something that happened two or three minutes earlier.

This fits my experience with my ex exactly. It was as though he was watching a movie of his own life with an eraser and an airbrush on hand to make himself look perfect at all times. He would literally rescript conversations as we were having them, which made me want to tear my hair out with frustration. Most upsetting was when he would mention some place he had been, some experience he had had, but couldn't recall which woman fit into that particular memory fragment. At the time I thought it was just insensitivity, eventually I realized that it was because the only important player in that scene was him, so the woman had just been....blurred beyond individuality. Her humanity deleted.

I definitely prioritize all sorts of information, and if it's not deemed important or useful, it gets forgotten. Even birthdays and anniversaries. I make a lot of checklists and stuff like that to help myself, but even so, I never get around to making a master b-day list, which would make things easier.

Before I leave the house, I have to do a 7-point check to make sure I have my car keys, house keys (can't keep them together in case I get locked out), lighter, cigarettes, cell phone, cash, and cards (ID, credit, etc.). I get anxious when I don't, but I can at least laugh at myself now.

At one point in our breakup, my stbx told me he had been accused of sexually molesting his daughters. I have a young son, I asked him whether he was convicted or acquited. He literally screamed at me:

I cannot be expected to remember every little thing that happened in my life!

Of every horrible thing that happened in our relationship this is the one remaining puzzle for me. Did he know he was lying? Did he make up his own version of events and then believe them? He would lie about the weather...

He even lied about the time one day. He woke my son at 5am, screaming at him that he was late for school. Then he said he just made a mistake about the time, then he denied it ever happened, then he said my son took the day off school because he woke up late, then he said all the clocks in the house were wrong.....

I thought at the time, he's got to know he's lying. Maybe he forgot it ever happened, maybe he forgot his excuses. I will never know.