This is hard for me to write...

Unfortunately, I cut the word FAT into my thigh last night with a scalpel when I was drunk. It bled so much that I thought I was going to bleed out.

When I spend Christmas with my family, I am afraid that they will see the track marks on my arms and the word FAT cut into my leg. I can hide the cuts on my leg with my jeans and with a towel when I get out of the shower.

Does anyone have any idea how i can hide the track marks (needle marks for those of you who are stupid)? Makeup maybe?

Daniel

The number one priority is your own safety and mental well-being, if you are doing this to yourself then who cares about upsetting people at Christmas. You are clearly losing control.

Seek professional help now before you do more things to yourself that you will one day deeply regret. If you can't or won't do that, at least stop trying to mask it from loved ones, just the relief of not having to hide what you are going through will help you. The most important thing is that you do not spiral into a complete loss of control over your self-harm.

People who love you will try to help you, not condemn you - you should take their support. Even if they can't help with the disorder, they can soften the pain and the self-inflicted isolation and shame. Any upset caused is so trivial compared to your own safety, they would surely rather know you are suffering than be ignorant of what you're going through and do nothing.

That aside, it is really vital that you take control of yourself as this can and will degenerate into something even worse if you don't face it now and get some support. Take the pressure off of yourself and let other people help you through this.

jeez! you are not in a good place. did you consider maybe spending some time in a clinic or so? just some remarks to your questions

- is it possible that my NPD/BPD/AsPD symptoms really just come from my eating disorder?

I do not think so. What makes eating disorders so tricky is that many people who have them can be so fully functional in all other ways that no one notices something's wrong until one day they disappear from their workplace because they're in the hospital. some behaviours typical of NPD also occur in eating disordered people - lying/manipulating to cover up the traces, feeling silently superior and look down on others for the way they look - but this would not present as a PDed person generally. eating disordered people can be great empaths, have deep and lasting emotional relationships with other people etc. so you must have something else too for your therapists to give you that diagnosis. but many people with NPD also have also anorexia (not so mcuh other EDs if i am not mistaken) and that's a known correlation that also makes sense, as others noted.

what makes you think that you may not qualify for the PD diagnosis?

- is it possible that my eating disorder is fueled by my recent traumatic experiences?

definitely - friends i have who carry their ED around since their teenage days always get worse if other things in their life are not in order. if they experience a loss of control, they have to not eat to experience control again. you have been raped - rape is definitely a traumatic experience of loss of control - you have been forced into sex against your will. this will not leave you untouched - you have to digest this, maybe you rationally pushed it to the side, but your body screams in pain and anger and humiliation about this and therefore you engage in a whole catalogue of self-harm behaviours (drugs, cutting, starvation). is there not a way you could seek help?

- what to do?

well about the ED i can just say the following (i am not an expert on this so maybe also check out the ED forum?)
- as long as your weight loss is not taking dangerous/catastrophic dimensions you may want to concentrate on working out the causes rather than the symptoms
- having a regime about when to eat what and sticking to it will help. EDed people cannot trust their feeling of appetite/hunger anymore, you have to consciously monitor your eating behaviour.
- EDed people seem to get stressed by other people who tend towards EDs and feel they have to top them (by eating less) - seek the company of people who are unconcerned about their weight (without being fat), are positive and have a healthy appetite.

if any of what i said was major nonsense, please call me on it - it's just from the guts.

Daniel wrote: I can hide the cuts on my leg with my jeans and with a towel when I get out of the shower.

Does anyone have any idea how i can hide the track marks (needle marks for those of you who are stupid)? Makeup maybe?

Hiding this any longer is a terrible idea. You've cut yourself because part of you WANTS to be 'found out'. These opposing urges to hide and reveal, to control and let go, are tearing you apart. Please please please get some help! If you don't trust your family members, then go to the rape crisis center, call a hotline, do something!!

Dan, you have to ask yourself one question "Am i happy with myself?" if you can honestly answer no to that question, then don't bother replying, go check yourself into a clinic and tell them everything, just get it all out. And do it now because you and I both know the answer to that question. I can guarantee you, the more you put this off, the more you will destroy yourself, and in the end, you wont be alive very long to tell your story to others about how you recovered. You will die on this path that you chose, and everyone will never truly understand you unless you do something about it. So, go get off the computer, and just go.

Hi Daniel,

i have no idea whether you can have both those disorders at the same time, but the more i read, the more it confuses the boundaries between cluster B disorders, so i dont even know exactly what i have either. one thing is clear, and that is that you're unhappy with things. people with personality disorders don't really need to know "which disorder" we have to heal. what we need to know is what our issues are, how we act, how we feel, etc. the answers are already in you anyway. you can get help without having to know whether you can have both.

onthebrink wrote:

Daniel wrote: I can hide the cuts on my leg with my jeans and with a towel when I get out of the shower.

Does anyone have any idea how i can hide the track marks (needle marks for those of you who are stupid)? Makeup maybe?

Hiding this any longer is a terrible idea. You've cut yourself because part of you WANTS to be 'found out'. These opposing urges to hide and reveal, to control and let go, are tearing you apart. Please please please get some help! If you don't trust your family members, then go to the rape crisis center, call a hotline, do something!!

Agree. its the only reason i hardly ever visibly self harm. because i didnt want people to know. If you do, part of you at least wants help.

Hi Daniel.

First off, I am sorry for what you have gone through. Rape is a thoroughly reprehensible act that would turn anyone's life inside out. I speak from experience.

Have you told anyone (offline) about what happened? For me, spilling the beans was a mixed bag at the time, but recovery is not possible if you do not talk about it, or at least tell somebody what happened in general. I don't know how you feel, but for me, not telling was protecting the perpetrator WAY more than it was protecting me... eventually. If you don't feel comfortable going to a therapist, at least call a hotline or tell a trusted friend.

IV drug use and self harm is going to spiral out of control very quickly. I speak from experience there as well. It works, until it stops working - and then you have the aftereffects of substance abuse to deal with - not to mention some gnarly scars. Seriously, I self harmed for YEARS - don't let it get that bad, please, for your sake. It can also become an addiction, I'm sure you know that though. Just so you don't feel so alone - I burned the word "@@@@@@@" into my arm when I was really bad off, several years ago. It's about 1 1/2" by 5" or so - luckily I can cover it up with normal T-shirts, but it's a harsh reminder of how bad it can get. I would need surgery to get rid of it, which eventually I do hope to get. But you are not the only one to carve or burn a degrading word into yourself.

I think you need to tell someone what is going on, and most probably go into a facility for a short time to stabilize. It will only get worse if you don't get help. I don't know if you've been in an inpatient facility before, but if you decide to go - the will photograph your self-injuries - just a heads-up. That always made me really uncomfortable - I hid that $#%^.

If you decide to wait for some reason, yes makeup will cover your track marks. But seriously, get help soon - even if you go in just for the substance abuse (supposedly), you'll have some time to regroup at least.

Best wishes

Where the ###$ were you drugged? Have you gotten revenge yet? Reported it to the authorities? Does your family know?

I'm not suggesting that you get revenge. I am just wondering why you haven't done so. I know I would.

As for the whole diagnosis thing, I have a controversial theory that I can tell by facial structure whether or not someone is what I call an anerbilist.

Famous anerbilists include oscar wilde, sigmund freud, joseph stalin, adolf hitler, bill clinton, hillary clinton, among others. I can send you pictures if you want. Anerblists tend to be diagnosed with NPD/ASPD/BPD (in that order), and gynerbilists tend to be diagnosed with HPD/BPD (in that order).

If you have a picture of you *in a large crowd*, I could probably pick you out.

Daniel wrote:I posted it in French because I figured that the narcissists who would tear me down for it would not have the motivation or initiative to translate it.

Daniel

You're probably right.

PQ wrote:Where the ###$ were you drugged? Have you gotten revenge yet? Reported it to the authorities? Does your family know?

I'm not suggesting that you get revenge. I am just wondering why you haven't done so. I know I would.

As for the whole diagnosis thing, I have a controversial theory that I can tell by facial structure whether or not someone is what I call an anerbilist.

Famous anerbilists include oscar wilde, sigmund freud, joseph stalin, adolf hitler, bill clinton, hillary clinton, among others. I can send you pictures if you want. Anerblists tend to be diagnosed with NPD/ASPD/BPD (in that order), and gynerbilists tend to be diagnosed with HPD/BPD (in that order).

If you have a picture of you *in a large crowd*, I could probably pick you out.

What the hell kind of theory is that?