should I marry or cut my losses

I have had a sudden revelation of my live-in partners Narc behavoir and seen it for what it is over the past week. Whilst I feel relief to actually see the inconsistencies of his madness and to finally realise why I, the stong empathetic person felt like I was going crazy after 8 years of this, I would like to have some of my needs met, having poured care and love into the man for 8 years. He finally agreed to marriage just to shut me up. I need it for citizenship and also pension in the future as I moved countries 8 yrs ago just before I met him. I am successful in many areas of my life and gifted in communication ( the reason I attracted him at the start ,that he now has to deal with)
The begining of the relationship was romantic and textbook NPD although I did not realise it till this year. I have spent endless days, pain and brainpower trying to logically work out how the charming man of the begining could be the creep of today. Pleading with him to reveal why he sees my emotional needs as such an affront. Of course I now see all the red flags that popped up and I glossed over in my need to make it work. I had him on a pedestal as do his family. I DID SAY TEXTBOOK!
I have stopped reacting to his meaness and jibes, and silent treatment, which brings up my abondonment issues. He lacks empathy totally, which was eventually the keyword that got me to the NPD answer. I could never put my finger on what was wrong. but I kept coming back to his lack of Empathy.
He tells me he loves me often and he does, he loves me as his NS,( when he's not sulking that is).
Im 50 my children are raised, his children are raised and none will ever live with us. We are both divorced and I feel like I'm not wasting another 10 years of my life without looking after my future. Once I have my citizenship I can then re evaluate my situation
I dont need his flowers and fake feelings. I can feed my own soul but I want to reach my goal.
Id value you're advice in dealing with this.

Hi lagi,

I believe I have missed something here... ...Why exactly did you and he get married? From what i've read, you married him to get citizenship and a pension later in life, but also because you felt as if it was the logical thing to do. Whatever happened to actually loving each other and knowing for sure that you wanted to be with him? Im not married, so please forgive me if I'm coming acrioss as naive about this. My next question might be controversial: When you married him, did you actualy expect it to last forever?; or did you just hope that it would?

To be honest, I believe many couples get married because they are 'told' to by their friends and family, and/or because they feel as if they should. I believe in complete freedom in life, and being legally bound to someone is quite frightening. This isn't me encouraging you to 'cut your losses' and run, but I'm hoping that at least some of what I've said here is of value to you.

Take care,
Kevin

I think you didnt read the title or the post so well. I asked should I marry a NPD.

My apologies.

*Edited post:

lagi - I cannot offer sound advice here as I have not been through what you currently are [going through]. I have had two girlfriebds who exhibited 'narc-like' behaviour, but marriage is of course a different thing. I am trying to help but I understand why it has come across as wrong. My thoughts are that you will probably marry him, but I just hope that you know the exact reasons why you want to spend your life with him.

Kevin

Id really appreciate someones advice on this as I am making a life decision, i dont have NPD experience. I do love him but need advice from someone who has been married to a narc or dealt with one. thanks so much.

Read my 500 some posts on my horrible "marriage" to an NPD/HPD girl.

Unless you're a masocists, do not marry a selfish, uncaring NPD.

REMEMBER.........they can act very nice when they want to..........

But once you become their flunky/doormat/slave...........oh well...........

I edited my post above lagi. I'm sorry that I seem incapable of helping you. Good luck and take care,
Kevin

Don't marry him. You will be miserable. Your life is too short at this point. We are the same age. If I have only 25 or 30+ years left i would not like to spend it with someone so horrible. A N has no empathy. What if you get sick? He is too selfish to care for you.

If he really does have NPD, then marrying him will make what already seems to be a dysfunctional and unpleasant relationship even worse. But if you would only be marrying him to get your citizenship, and you realize that it would just be 'a marriage of convenience', (even though for you, it will probably be very inconvenient while you are still with him), then I don't see a problem with it, not logically anyway, perhaps ethically or morally, but if you can to live with your own ethics and morals, and don't feel the need to conform to anyone else's then, do what you need to do.

I do have some experience of being married to someone who sits high on the narcissistic and even sociopathic scale, divorced now though. It did get worse. Well actually, his life got better and my life got worse, as did my health, until I finally figured out what was really going on.

My two main concerns in your situation are: does he really have NPD? Could he possibly have some other problem or issue, which isn't his fault, which he doesn't have any control over. In my case, I tried everything, giving him the benefit of the doubt, always looking at myself as being the problem and in the end realized that the only way was to save myself and get out.

The other thing is that if you do marry him, are you sure you can stay strong and not get sucked into trying to make the relationship work (on his terms) and get yourself brainwashed and broken down and completely under his control..... that's not a good situation and with skilled manipulators, you can find yourself in a helpless situation before you realize what's happening.

In the end, you have to think about what is most important to you and make a decicion based on that and do your best to live with the consequences.

I hope you decide soon, from my experience, indecision and confusion can be very draining.

Good luck.