Question for NPD-Love your kids?

I dated a man that I strongly suspect has NPD.

The thing that is throwing me off is the fact that he absolutely loves and dotes on his kids (2 girls, ages 4 and 7). He treats women he dates like the typical NPD, idealizing and then devaluing them, and he also treats his XWF and the Mother of said children like crap. He fought his Ex for full custody and got it, probably charmed his way throught he court system...he claims that she has a drug problem and he did it to "save himself and his kids", but he lies so much who knows what really happened in their marriage or why they are divorced.

Anyway, in the last conversation I had with him after we broke up, he claimed that he "never really loved his XWF", that he "couldnt love me the way I wanted him to", and that he had "given everything up to raise his kids," and that was raising them was "love" to him. He is also totally obsessed with the XWF, and can't stop talking about her...it's all negative talk though....put downs and telling others some very personal info (how she tried to kill herself during their divorce, she cheated on him, ect). He also says that he tried to commit suicide 3 times during his marriage. True? Who knows.

My question is this: Can NPD feel love for their children to that degree? And why is the divorce/XWF still upsetting to him? Sometimes I think he got the kids just to torture XWF and prove that he "won". He sure does seem to gloat about it alot.

It's not true "love" in the sense that you love your kids. He probably sees them as part of who he is, he made them, he feels entitled to them, and he probably has his own idea of the type of people he wants them to grow into. This is assuming you're correct in your thinking he has NPD. You could be completely wrong and none of what I said would apply.

babyfirefly wrote:It's not true "love" in the sense that you love your kids. He probably sees them as part of who he is, he made them, he feels entitled to them, and he probably has his own idea of the type of people he wants them to grow into. This is assuming you're correct in your thinking he has NPD. You could be completely wrong and none of what I said would apply.

Next time please ad the fact that this is your opinion.

Only pathological narcissists (specifically me) can say they really do know what they are talked about when it comes to narcissism.

Not to say you are right or wrong, but... yeah, this is my re-integration into the boards since i took a break because i was working 16 hour days in the lab...

Ignore the person immediately above me; he is not smart. I've read his advice; it is worse than the average, which really is not that good to begin with.

If you want to be pessimistic about it, he's probably using the kids to maintain an upper hand or some sense of superiority over whatever relationship he has with his ex-wife. Something like that.

Well, my Therapist (I'm a BPD) says that he is an N, or close enough to it. Its just confusing to me, that he displays this "emotion" twords his kids and XWF, but devalues and treats everyone else like crap...hip personlaity is totally false. I dont know if a bad divorce can turn you into an N for awhile or what. I didnt think some one with N would care about the marriage at all.

I guess what I was asking is is this normal N stuff? Do they only care about some things...is it really even caring, or more like entitlement?

He does seem to feel some guilt about the things he does, every once in a blue moon.

The thing to remember about narcissists is that there's a different personality in there underneath the one he presents. I'm not saying you should try and get in touch with it, because you probably have no chance. N's can sometimes feel obsession over a person, I've read that, and it might not be because they're truly interested in who the person is, it might be for self-fulfilling reasons. Supply of some sort.

As for "is this normal N stuff", there is no such thing as normal N stuff .. it's quite a broad diagnosis. But I personally think your husband's behaviour isn't anything unusual for a narcissist.

A child isn't merely another person object to a narcissist, it's his creation. Narcs often take a lot of pleasure in their children's accomplishments because it reflects well on them. Who wouldn't want to brag to his friends that his child is learning multiplication tables three years ahead of other children (for example)? My dad used to love it when I could talk to his colleagues on a professional level about engineering and scientific subjects that most 10 year old kids wouldn't know anything about, and I'm sure he loved every minute of them telling him what a smart kid he had, blah blah blah.

The other issue with kids is that they are preprogrammed to love and adore their parents, so they are a powerful source of NS. Personality disorders themselves are basically just kids designing their personalities around pleasing their parents. So it probably shouldn't be surprising to see a narc "dote" on his kids. Just don't expect him to want to deal with all the messy, sticky and emotional crap, that's someone else's job obviously.