I need to leave my N

My shrink told me this week... for the third time.. that the only real answer for me is to leave this relationship with my N. Yep, I see both a shrink for meds and a therapist. I have stuff that looks like BPD but I am healthier and more self-aware. I am always worried that I am BPD but all my therapists and shrinks have said that my stuff is complex PTSD (caused by trauma over a long period of time) My parents weren't so hot. Dad was NPD, Mom was BPD. I definitely have my own demons. At least I can say that I have been doing my own therapy for a long time and have really come so far. I guess that's the new problem for me. I have become so strong and healthy that I see my N's behavior in a clear light and I am no longer willing to deal with it.

Anyway, my shrink told me for the second or third time this week that my N's behavior was unaccetable the only answer is for me to leave. ugh!! I have been with this guy for 24 years now! My shrink pointed out that because my N never says he is sorry when his anger scares me (seriously.. no empathy), and is defiant in not taking any responsibility for his behavior that my only real choice is to leave.

We see our couples therapist tomorrow. I might try to bring this stuff up. I feel like I have so much support right now. I have finally been speaking openly to a few friends, I am seeing so many more friends (not as isolated), I have a great, this board where I feel like I belong, very supportive shrink and a very supportive therapist. Now I just have to get my stomach to stop flipping with fear.

Last night, I actually confronted my N on anther lie he had used during a fight. He actually copped to it AND.. omg! said he shouldn't have done that. Didn't actually say he was sorry for hurting or confusing me (now that I come to think of it).. but owned some of his sh*t. Instantly, I jumped into.. "see I don't have to leave.. he is going to change" I am afraid that I am just torturing myself.

Sorry to have posted such a long post. I just really need to talk.

The quicker you accept that a sincere "I'm sorry" is not possible because Empathy is literally impossible in severe NPD (or OCPD), the sooner you will emerge from the foggy land of unrealistic expectations.

IMO, if you are caught in "he should do X" or "he shouldn't do Y", and modify it to "I feel affection toward you when you to do X" and "but I will not accept Y behavior", you'll be able to set healthy boundaries for your own sanity.

I would suggest taking your therapists advice, I assume he/she knows all the details that we don't regarding your situation. Oh the he might be changing is more likely he realizes he is losing you.

Phoenixrising81704 wrote:I would suggest taking your therapists advice, I assume he/she knows all the details that we don't regarding your situation. Oh the he might be changing is more likely he realizes he is losing you.

On the other hand, some therapists are better than others. Usually it's inappropriate for a therapist to tell their patient what they "should" do except in really extreme cases, therapists are suppose to be more like sounding boards to help a person clarify their own thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, I'm not going to chime in with a "should" or "shouldn't" recommendation, but I'm skeptical of a therapist who tries to make life-changing decisions themselves on their patients' behalf.

sfguy75x wrote:

Phoenixrising81704 wrote:I would suggest taking your therapists advice, I assume he/she knows all the details that we don't regarding your situation. Oh the he might be changing is more likely he realizes he is losing you.

On the other hand, some therapists are better than others. Usually it's inappropriate for a therapist to tell their patient what they "should" do except in really extreme cases, therapists are suppose to be more like sounding boards to help a person clarify their own thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, I'm not going to chime in with a "should" or "shouldn't" recommendation, but I'm skeptical of a therapist who tries to make life-changing decisions themselves on their patients' behalf.

That kind of therapist sounds like they would have strong pathologically narcissistic traits them self...

I think the difference for him is that he is not acting as my therapist. He is my psychiatrist, just doing meds. I think the role frees him a bit to say what he thinks. I also get very suicidal and self-destructive (old programming from my parents) when my N rages, or does other crazy things that just don't make sense.

pooh2 wrote:I think the difference for him is that he is not acting as my therapist. He is my psychiatrist, just doing meds. I think the role frees him a bit to say what he thinks. I also get very suicidal and self-destructive (old programming from my parents) when my N rages, or does other crazy things that just don't make sense.

just as a headsup, expect the N in your life to say some very hurtful things once they realize that they are being cut off. i'm telling you this because you mention suicide and self-destructiveness. that's the kind of stuff someone with NPD would pay close attention to and, maybe even unconsciously, store in the back of their mind as ammunition. so if you do hear some hurtful things/find yourself on the end of a rage attack, keep in mind that this isn't something to be taken personal. people with NPD can't handle negative emotions/we're more sensitive to something like rejection. you ending the relationship will be perceived as an attempt on the Ns existence. he'll lash out just to free himself of the negative feelings. he'll try his best to make it a situation where you are on the losing end. if he leaves you feeling self-destructive/suicidal, that counts as a win. you may want to leave him w/ the impression that you are the one hurt by the ending of the relationship. i hope you are prepared for it/make it through this. it sounds like you do need to get out of the situation.

pooh2 wrote:He is my psychiatrist, just doing meds. I think the role frees him a bit to say what he thinks.

If that is really his attitude he should be hauled in front of a review board....
Any worker in the healthcare profession has training and standards to live up to, and in the mental health subfield, even more so. No psychiatrist should be talking to their patients about the intimate details of their life from a "conversational" perspective, they should either use their training or shut the hell up and stick to Rx.

She says that she becomes suicidal when he pushes her buttons; and, if we assume that this is a fact which she shared with her psychiatrist, then it would seem appropriate for him to recommend that she leave.

PQ wrote:She says that she becomes suicidal when he pushes her buttons; and, if we assume that this is a fact which she shared with her psychiatrist, then it would seem appropriate for him to recommend that she leave.

Thank you !! Right?!! That, along with the fact that I am injure myself when he rages. I think my psychiatrist is trying to wake me up to the fact that this is a very unhealthy relationship and that I continue to make excuses and accept excuses for his behavior. I feel finally protected by my pdoc. Like he is honest and telling me the truth. He has heard how suicidal I become when he rages, how I self-injure when I am afraid. I have been with this man for 24 years. Because of my childhood, I am programmed to deal with this $#%^ and take care of him. I am so relieved to have an advocate who has the balls to tell me the truth and give me the strength to help me leave.

omg.. I am at a restaurant/cafe where my daughter works. I came here for coffee after having a bit too much wine with friends. I adore my daughter. She is mad 'cause she thinks I haven't spent enough time with her. Hello!! She is taking pre-med classes and working. I have tried to have her with me. Going back to see how she is doing.