Do NPD's have an unhealthy relationship with sex?

I think one of the most difficult aspects of my relationship with my ex-N is regarding sex. I've always thought of myself as having a healthy relationship when it comes to sex. I'm open and like to talk about it and also think I am open to new ideas as long as they're not too crazy :-s

It's only after my relationship with my ex-N that I started to notice and remember the sexual side of our relationship. My ex-N was a very sexual person. On the first day we met I stayed in a hotel with him and because of the way we'd spoken to each other before hand I thought that our time together would be special and romantic. It was far from that, he was very forward and quite forceful. Not romantic at all!

Even after that he was very domineering in the bedroom, even telling me once that I was selfish in bed because I had chosen to take some pleasure for myself and he thought I had ignored his needs.

He loved porn, was obsessed with it really and even had a favourite porn star who's name he would use as ID online. I remember that close to the end of the relationship he would suggest things to me that I really wasn't interested in doing. That was actually very degrading and he didn't seem to understand why I didn't want to do it. He seemed to think because the women in the porn films could do it, that they were a woman like me so I should be able to do it as well.

He could be very persuasive and would put an idea in my head that at first I really wasn't into trying, but knew that he could get me round to doing it eventually. I'm not sure how he did this. I started to think that his domineering way's were good sex and I think it has affected the way I am sexually. Although being in a loving relationship now with a grounded person I am understanding what loving and romantic sex is and can see how the sex with my ex-N was very degrading and purely for pleasure on his part. I was playing a part he wanted me to play.

The reason I ended it with my ex was helped along by my hacking into his e-mail account and finding out about all the other women he was involved with and manipulating. What I also found though that really shocked me was an e-mail he had sent to the administrator for a gay escort service. He wrote that he had been trying to register on the site but his details weren't going through. That he was a bi-male gay virgin and how much could he charge for that?

He had never made and indication that he was interested in men. I had no reason to doubt his sexualty in any way so of course I found this shocking to read. I could understand the other women, but would never have thought about him wanting to be a male gay escort.

I'm wondering whether this was just some titilation for him, some fantasy. Maybe another way of feeding his ego, more admiration for him.

Hell, yes. It's one of the things I hate most about it.

(I'm just answering the subject question. I'll read the rest later)

Hey Sparkly

I think this question has been touched upon before - here's a link to the original one :

narcissistic-personality/topic39646.html

A lot of posters echoed your sentiments but I remember reading recently that the root of the Narc problem with sex is really with intimacy. Where early in the relationship sex may be used as a 'hook' once the deal is done (as it were) it is to be avoided. I think that's because the Narc associates it with intimacy - s/he is expected to interact emotionally and this is too difficult a task to contemplate.

Is it possible that the perversions (or the things he asked you to do that you found unacceptable) were introduced to 'put you off' as it were? As that would kind of negate the need for them to avoid sex wouldn't it I suppose - if they were able to deter you that way (never thought about it that way before).

Normal? wrote:A lot of posters echoed your sentiments but I remember reading recently that the root of the Narc problem with sex is really with intimacy. Where early in the relationship sex may be used as a 'hook' once the deal is done (as it were) it is to be avoided.

Avoided is not the right word... but it definitely becomes less interesting and less frequent with someone who is already loyal. I'm almost never in the mood except when I'm already in the mood, if you know what I mean.

Foreplay - it kinda feels like cracking a combination lock. Left 35, right 20, how long is this combination, anyway? come on this is boring just let me in
Some fraction of the time it doesn't feel like that and I actually enjoy the foreplay and watching her feel good. That actually usually happens after we've just had a long talk about serious stuff and I'm feeling a sense of emotional closeness. Actually the sex in that state is the always best for both of us, and it's the only time I want it with her instead of just wanting it. Could that be a little bit of whatever normal part of me is hidden under my NPD coming out for a little while? It doesn't last forever but it's really nice... If I'm not feeling that particular way then it's pretty just like doing it solo with someone else's body parts substituting for my digits... trying not to be too graphic here . Sex with a new girlfriend is very different, it's a huge shot of N-supply and very addictive until it's not. The more she wants me the bigger the shot... Actually that's probably why the HPD girlfriend still seems like the best I've ever had... At the beginning of the relationship all she wanted was to do whatever I wanted all the time. I was totally at the center and she was really, really addictive that way.

Definately get off on BDSM. Think about it frequently even though I've only done it on occasions. Of course I would never play sub... And doing really degrading things is definitely part of the fantasy too.

I have a little voice in my head that berates me for being monogamous and "less of a man" than other guys with a higher notch count. That I'm being stupid for not taking everything I can get. Also sometimes it tries to tell me that I need a plan B, C, etc to fall back in case my marriage ever break up. It says why can't you be more like Tony Soprano? If I argue back that I don't need all that, it reminds me that I'm still insecure and I need practice or else someday I'll be alone forever. It's a pretty damn annoying little voice that I'd love to switch off. Fortunately I never do what it tells me but it still makes me feel bad and insecure.

Is it possible that the perversions were introduced to 'put you off' as it were?

No. It's just another form of control desire. You don't want to, I want you to, so its setup as a game I need to win, like all battles of will. Having you desire me less may be the result, but is never the goal of anything. I want you to desire me more, of course, not less.

Maybe if you're 100% devalued and he's ready to dump you anyway then he'll see just how mean he can get and how much you'll take before you quit yourself. At this point he thinks you're the worst, most annoying person on the whole planet and deserve everything he's dishing out and then some. It literally makes him feel sick to his stomach to think about you or see you. This is really a "final exam" of how much you really liked him. It's an extremely cruel game and I haven't done that since high school and still feel bad about it. If you don't quit at that stage, well I wouldn't want to imagine the self-esteem stomp.

One of the things that doesn't fit in with with my ex and Narc is intimacy. He was actually very affectionate. Now I'm an affectionate person anyway and maybe he picked up on this and used it to keep me hooked. When we spent good time together and were having a good time there would be lots of tactile touching. Kisses, holding hands etc etc really quite lovey things that you do in a relationship with someone you really care about. And that was in public and private. But of course he could also be very cold, very distant if things weren't going right. And could withhold affection in order to make me feel guilty or bad about something he perceived was my fault.

All I can think is that he used it as part of control, making him seem like the perfect loving partner. Because in the bedroom the affection dissapeared the longer our relationship went on and it became more and more about his fantasies and porn really. He was always up for sex, and never turned me down or tried to put me off. When suggesting things to do in the bedroom I really believed because he wanted to. I think he was really interested in pushing boundaries.

To read a previous thread and see the idea that the Narc has sex with what he sees as 'whores' and doesn't have sex with the person he sees as his girlf is quite a difficult concept for me to come to terms with, as under that description I must fall into the 'whore' section. Not a nice thought and not a really nice way to think of myself. Even if it is only as the Narc perceives it.

SparklyB wrote:He was actually very affectionate. Now I'm an affectionate person anyway and maybe he picked up on this and used it to keep me hooked. When we spent good time together and were having a good time there would be lots of tactile touching. Kisses, holding hands etc etc really quite lovey things that you do in a relationship with someone you really care about.

Sometimes I love that stuff too and it's not faking although it comes and goes. I sometimes like the sensations of affection, and even the feeling of closeness and connection, which I perceive as real, like I'm a little less detached. Maybe it actually is real, maybe it's a ray of sun shining through the cloudy sky. I don't know but I really hope it is because I would use that in therapy and try to feel it more often.

SparklyB wrote:And could withhold affection in order to make me feel guilty or bad about something he perceived was my fault.

Just because I like it doesn't mean I can't give it up. I said it comes and goes and the thought of snuggling with someone who I'm actively devaluing at the moment isn't appealing at all, but I might like it again when you're back in my graces.

SparklyB wrote:Because in the bedroom the affection dissapeared the longer our relationship went on

I'd say its more likely that he wasn't faking all that much, instead you got increasingly devalued over time and in the beginning he was indulging the fact that he enjoyed your company and later you were more like someone with body parts that were convenient and loyal. By the end he didn't care at all.

SparklyB wrote:as under that description I must fall into the 'whore' section.

Like I said it probably changed over time. It doesn't really matter what he thought anyway beacuse you don't need his approval now and you never did. Its better if you just stop caring what he thought and detach yourself.

I can understand a lot of what you say and see how it applies to the relationship I had wit my ex-N.

I think he probably did get bored towards the end, especially as he would tell me about other women he had met. He would always call them friends but sometimes it was almost as if he was boasting. He once sent me photos from a woman that she had sent him. He was going on about how amazing she looked and the pictures were of her naked except for a strategically placed scarf. He would insist she was a friend and suggest I obviously had a problem with jealousy if I thought anything else. Things like this became quite common towards the end. I think he became quite sloppy and just gave me more and more reasons to suspect. (Anyone else would prob think I was stupid for not seeing the signs sooner but that's what being with a Narc does to you) Kinda makes me feel ashamed for being tricked for so long.

Not even questioning why he was flirty texting with a client when he was in bed with me. Telling her he'd only been out with friends that night, telling me he didn't want to upset her as he needed to keep her sweet.

Venting on this message board is a great way for letting go of all those angry feelings that you have bottled up. It's def helping!

Yes. Unhealthy. Yes.

My NPD mother's sexual relations ended with my father while I was still in grade 7, I think. She moved into another bedroom and made it her own palace, decorating it for herself, and equipping it with all the electronics she wished.

Yet she remained very 'sexual' with others, and even occasionally with my father. She was a sexual person, using sex as a device to attract and sustain interest from others. She was physically very beautiful and knew how to use that beauty to her advantage. She used sexual gestures and flirting and her body as tools - that's exactly how it seemed to me as I watched her. Some have called this somatic narcissism, but she used her mind far more than she used her body as tools for attraction and sustenance.

She did not like routine sex, however. A number of her 'affairs' talked to me when I was an adult about how hot she was to start but how quickly she cooled and then froze over. My mother even told me how she did not like sex... it was too demanding of her, and took too long, and was often boring, and there were always 'expectations'.

Short time sex, she liked. But when she could feel that someone was wanting to get close to her ('oh how I abhor closeness', she once said to me), I knew it was the beginning of the end of them.

i can usually tell when someone wants to have sex with me. but i hate the idea of giving another person pleasure while potentially compromising a narcissistic supply source. once they've had you they lose interest. so why not string it out as long as possible? i mean there's nothing in it for me; at least nothing good. when it comes down to it all of the pleasure is in knowing that they want you. plus there's no intimacy, pregnancy, or diseases to ruin things.

cheshire wrote:once they've had you they lose interest.

You must not be very good in bed. My experience has been opposite, they want me more.