Having a NParent is like having Satan for a parent

I have actually two Nparents but my I'd like to make a thread about my father

I was googling emotionally abusive parents, and came across Narcistic parents which I think fits them

My father's love is very conditional. His love is earned. And that is only when you live and meet certain standards that are good enough to him. If not, he is the most coldest and cruelest manipulating monster you can ever encounter

I have not accomplished enough in my short life for my father, therefore everytime he sees me around the house he has nothing but disparging remarks. This is EVERY SINGLE TIME.

He does not speak to me, and when he does it's nothing but negativity.

He puts dishonest interpretations on things. He tells my mother when I leave the house that I am really not going to school.

He tells my mother that I am delusional and crazy and sick because when I come home I am always in my room yet I am not allowed to be in any other part of the house. He'll kick me out of the living room, the basement or the computer room.

After him constantly harping to my mother that I am sick and crazy, I went to see a therapist and have been put on meds for medication. I am trying to get help for myself yet this is still not good enough. He still implies that I am crazy, and says that I act like I am in a nursing home. He does this EVERY SINGLE DAY. He will not stop

When he wakes up in the morning, I'll hear him say to my mom that she is a "bad parent". He said this while we were both sleep. He blames my mother for me coming out "bad".

He says that if it weren't for my mother, he'd kick me out in the street with the clothes on my back. I believe him.

He tells lies to my mother to try to tear the family apart, my mother is already nutty, so it doesnt take much to get her defensive and riled up. He uses these lies as a way to get her to not trust me and kick me out. He also calls me a "liar". So everything I say or do is questioned and not to be trusted.

I am trying to get out of a bad situation by going to school. I will not let him win.

I would not wish a Nparent on my worst enemy. They are truly the most coldest uncaring and deceptive person you can ever meet. It's like living with Satan

Danity wrote:I am trying to get out of a bad situation by going to school. I will not let him win.

I'm sorry to hear of your oppressive home life. But your comment that you will not let him win shows understanding and strength of character.

Up until now now he has been 100% in your life. But you have the advantage. You have a long future ahead of you, away from him. You can and will build your life without his judgement and interference.

In the future you will decide how invoved in your life he can be, whether it is 10%, or 50% or 0%. That's one of the big advantages of becoming a self-sufficient adult, you get to decide how to live your life and who is in it. Your parents will always be your parents but they will not always be able to inflict pain on you. You will arrive at a point where you can control this.

I am nearly 60 years old. My father was distant and uninvolved, my mother highly critical. She wasn't a narcissist, but she was intensely self-involved and couldn't define boundaries between her children and herself. It alienated one of my brothers almost totally, and the other has been damaged by it. It took me a long time to understand that she owned the problem. When she criticised my weight, or my clothes, or my career choices, it helped to remind myself that if I was happy with these things, it was her problem, not mine.

Unfortunately not many of us get unconditional love from our parents because they see us as pieces of themselves. Do you have any other family members that can give you some support and acceptance?

Good luck, and hang in there.

Nanday wrote:

Danity wrote:I am trying to get out of a bad situation by going to school. I will not let him win.

I'm sorry to hear of your oppressive home life. But your comment that you will not let him win shows understanding and strength of character.

Up until now now he has been 100% in your life. But you have the advantage. You have a long future ahead of you, away from him. You can and will build your life without his judgement and interference.

In the future you will decide how invoved in your life he can be, whether it is 10%, or 50% or 0%. That's one of the big advantages of becoming a self-sufficient adult, you get to decide how to live your life and who is in it. Your parents will always be your parents but they will not always be able to inflict pain on you. You will arrive at a point where you can control this.

I am nearly 60 years old. My father was distant and uninvolved, my mother highly critical. She wasn't a narcissist, but she was intensely self-involved and couldn't define boundaries between her children and herself. It alienated one of my brothers almost totally, and the other has been damaged by it. It took me a long time to understand that she owned the problem. When she criticised my weight, or my clothes, or my career choices, it helped to remind myself that if I was happy with these things, it was her problem, not mine.

Unfortunately not many of us get unconditional love from our parents because they see us as pieces of themselves. Do you have any other family members that can give you some support and acceptance?

Good luck, and hang in there.

You are so sweet, Nanday, you and Shivers always find words of support.
I am so sorry for the pain your parents caused you, it's amazing how wonderful and kind you turned out.
There is hope for you, Danity, just look at Nanday:)

Hang in there, it WILL get better. I think one good thing that would come out of it, you will know to stand up for yourself, I hope you will develop drive and desire to succeed and leave all those that made your life miserable in the dust!
I am rooting for you!:)

Nanday wrote:

Danity wrote:I am trying to get out of a bad situation by going to school. I will not let him win.

I'm sorry to hear of your oppressive home life. But your comment that you will not let him win shows understanding and strength of character.

Up until now now he has been 100% in your life. But you have the advantage. You have a long future ahead of you, away from him. You can and will build your life without his judgement and interference.

In the future you will decide how invoved in your life he can be, whether it is 10%, or 50% or 0%. That's one of the big advantages of becoming a self-sufficient adult, you get to decide how to live your life and who is in it. Your parents will always be your parents but they will not always be able to inflict pain on you. You will arrive at a point where you can control this.

I am nearly 60 years old. My father was distant and uninvolved, my mother highly critical. She wasn't a narcissist, but she was intensely self-involved and couldn't define boundaries between her children and herself. It alienated one of my brothers almost totally, and the other has been damaged by it. It took me a long time to understand that she owned the problem. When she criticised my weight, or my clothes, or my career choices, it helped to remind myself that if I was happy with these things, it was her problem, not mine.

Unfortunately not many of us get unconditional love from our parents because they see us as pieces of themselves. Do you have any other family members that can give you some support and acceptance?

Good luck, and hang in there.

I appreciate your feedback. I am working on becoming self sufficient so I can finally be happy and feel FREE.

I am not close to anyone outside my immediate family. Growing up we were not encouraged to be very close to our cousins and other relatives. And the relatives that I do hear about are not doing well for themselves financially anyway so it wouldn't be a good decision to live with them

Danity, that is a really awful situation you are in there, and I empathise with you.

You will have internalised his image of you, on a level you may not yet be aware of. You have already come to a realisation that it is his behaviour that is bad, very bad and that he's causing a whole lot of problems. This is a big issue and if you can keep that clear in your mind, you will have insight into any issues that you have to deal with as you mature.

It's not all gloom and doom, don't get me wrong. If you can keep the narrative, "My parents are toxic for me." this can give you the strength and ability to build your life independent from them, and if that means no contact, then no contact, if that means putting yourself in a position that opens up the opportunity to travel, then do so. Even overseas, if you can look towards getting a job with an international firm. You really don't know what future opportunities are out there for you if you stay focussed on your own future.

I say this, because this is what I did. Although at the tender age of 19 when I left home I didn't know anything about abuse, self-absorbed and toxic parents, and even realise that all the degrading comments I'd had to deal with were in fact, their problem. I finally realise all this from about the age of 40. But my real personal growth happened when I had the opportunity for a promotion with a multi-national company and took off to the other side of the country. Then I went overseas and lived in US and UK, all in all, I was away for 15 years, and it was the best thing. My self-esteem soared, my career zoomed, and I surrounded myself as best I could with positive people - without actually realising what I was accomplishing! I also read a lot of self-help motivational books and tapes.

Coming back has opened up a whole can of worms that I've had to re-deal with, that's where the learning of abuse has really, really helped. I only wish I'd been able to attain that type of knowledge throughout the 70's and 80's. But still, I dealt with it in my own way. Phone calls to home occured about once every 3 months and that suited just fine.

So, realise what dream you want and go and get it. He'll degrade it, but try your best not to take it to heart. As Nanday says, your future is YOUR future, and with ambition, dedication, will, opportunity, and sheer guts to branch out, it'll serve you well.

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i think Satan is getting a bad rap, here. i bet he'd be a great (if somewhat possessive) parent. he's an adversary of humans; not his own hellspawn.

Tell me about it. I've grown up with an NP mother, and even though she hasn't been particularly mean or abusive towards me, she is completely incapable of relating to me, making sacrifices as parenting requires, or putting my interests before hers at any case. My shrink thinks that having to look out for my own interests and manipulating people, including my mother, in order to reach my goals or have my needs taken care of, is one of the main reasons why I have ASPD now. I couldn't feel happier about who I am, and wouldn't want to change even if I had the chance. As for my mother, I can understand that she really isn't capable of realising that the world exists for me as much as it does for her.

The best thing to do in such a position is to make your interests your main priority, do not make sacrifices for him, and try to be in control of the situation whenever you can. Bury whatever positive feelings you have for him. Try not to see him as an individual, but as something which has chanced upon YOUR life. Do not let him see your weaknesses, what upsets you, what threat would be most effective on you, what you value most, and what you are most afraid of losing. In the meantime, try to find his, so you can use them to take control of the situation. Engage him in a discussion, gain the upper hand by pointing out his flaws - which is something I imagine he will be very sensitive about - or giving examples from his past mistakes, things he deeply regrets, and use that moment of emotional weakness to manipulate him. Try to speak his language, give examples that he can relate to, try not to use the word "I". Don't you talk about your feelings. Use the word "you" frequently. And give him the impression that the two of you are alike. That you are allies, that you are on his side. If the discussion comes to "I disagree with you", try to change the subject as subtly as you can. Feel free to say "I know exactly what you mean", "I know how you are feeling" or "I understand, I really do".

Or you can flatter him. Express your admiration. Tell him what an intelligent/successful/cultured man he is. And try not to sound farcical. He'll come around eventually.

Well. Hope that was helpful.

Hey Danity,

Just want to second all that's been said here (except the joke about Satan being not such a bad father). Your life sucks right now. I wonder how old you are? Maybe see if there are ways you can spend more time outside the house - will they let you get an afterschool job? join some activities? say you're going out with friends but just at least get out of there? If you can, it may help you cope and maintain some part of your sanity.

You're a strong kid, Danity. You're gonna be okay. You're a lot farther ahead than a lot of us with abusive, self-absorbed parents, who blame themselves for everything until we're in our 30s or 40s. When you're thinking about how much your life sucks (and it does), just remember, it could be worse. You could be living in that hell and not realizing it's them who are crazy. You know, and so you are already free. You're still being bothered by them, but you are free. They can't take that away from you.

and if you haven't yet, you should read 2 books: "Toxic Parents" and "If you had controlling parents." They changed my life. They should be read by everyone with inadequate parents.

Best wishes,
Sarina

Currently reading Toxic Parents myself, highly recommend it.