Struggling today

My undiagnosed NPD hubbie who I have been legally separated from less than a month has a new supply who is showing interest in him. In the past few weeks since our separation, he has taken on this new personality that was coming out toward the end of our relationship and likes things that in 10 years of being with me he never liked or did--politics, cooking, sports. His new supply is 6 years younger than him and is all the things I am not(his quote)-fun, adventurous, willing to take the journey of life with him. He told his sister that he has found the woman of his dreams and has never been happier. I have been so strong up until this point but that statement is hard to stomach after all the pain I have suffered and it is like poof I never existed. I shouldn't let it bother me and shouldn't worry but today it is. Did anyone have advice on how they got through days like today?

Peanut,

Your ex-husband will not be happy with this woman for long, that's for sure.

My narcissistic friend one day met a woman and declared after only one week that he wanted to marry her because she was so wonderful. The new woman also seemed to be very much in love with him. She obviously believed that he was the most wonderful man she had ever met. However, this lasted for only about 6 months! I don't know exactly what happened between them, but my N friend finally told me that "she was crazy"...and that was the end of that relationship.

I am just reading a good book ("The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse" by Albert Ellis and Marcia Grad Powers) and I should like to quote from that book
"Will your abuser really have eternal bliss with some other woman after you leave him? You may think so, and so may he - at first. But soon his pattern of fault finding and verbal abuse will inevitably creep into his relationship with her. He is only capable of limited happiness, due to the unresovled issues and deep well of anger that rule his life and pollute his relationships. No woman, no ten women, and no relationship on earth could make him lastingly and fully happy and at peace with himself. His abuse is his sickness that follows him wherever he goes."

Very well said, I think.

Yep, very well put.

He's said those things specifically to hurt your feelings. They're probably not true anyway. I doubt his new girlfriend is as fantastic as he says, in fact, she's likely to be very much like you were when you met him.

He's not changed....it's all smoke and mirrors and non-lasting.

He won't be able to keep it up for long.

Plus try and ensure your happiness does not hinge on how 'happy' he is.

My ex-NPD used to be obsessed with watching the news and his programmes and reading his computer for hours, to the exclusion of everything else. Now that I've left, he seems to take great delight in telling me he doens't watch TV or even bother to read the news anymore. I could feel sad about that and try and wonder why he's stopped, but I actually know the answer to that question. It's because he's no longer 'compelled' to use the TV and computer as his tools of choice for control. Now that there's no-one in his life to control or hide away/retreat from, his compulsion has disappeared.

The same will happen with your ex. No doubt you were fun and adventurous, until he knocked it out of, just as he will with this new woman.

Try and stop listening to his BS, it'll only make you sad for no reasons.

peanut2828 wrote:Did anyone have advice on how they got through days like today?

My advice is to find a rusty knife and separate from his testicles.

Of course its illegal but just imagine the satisfaction. There you'd be in a prison cell smiling at the thought of him on the outside trying to get new NS with a squeaky voice and an inability to consumate the relationship.

Hopefully, you have cracked a grin by now.

Seriously though, as irrational as it might be to let him effect you like this it hurts. There is nothing to be done and you just have to grind it out. It's still early days for you and like any recovery program sometimes its just one day at a time. And if you keep having bad days then go for help. Find a mental health professional who specialises in personality disorders and get some assistance.

SenseAtLast wrote:

peanut2828 wrote:Did anyone have advice on how they got through days like today?

My advice is to find a rusty knife and separate from his testicles.

Of course its illegal but just imagine the satisfaction. There you'd be in a prison cell smiling at the thought of him on the outside trying to get new NS with a squeaky voice and an inability to consumate the relationship.

Hopefully, you have cracked a grin by now.

Seriously though, as irrational as it might be to let him effect you like this it hurts. There is nothing to be done and you just have to grind it out. It's still early days for you and like any recovery program sometimes its just one day at a time. And if you keep having bad days then go for help. Find a mental health professional who specialises in personality disorders and get some assistance.

I think that the key is not to lower yourself to their level! You must always do the RIGHT thing. While you may feel that revenge is the only way you can lift yourself up, their punishment must be self-inflicted, not administered by you.

His distress should not equal your happiness. You must find another meaning to your life rather than just focusing on what is already lost. You must not obsess over this!

I have been cheated, used, abused, but the only way I could come out of the relationship and remain sane is through self affirmation: I have done the right thing and although it did not reciprocate, I was right.

Build on that, not on trying to get even!

When you park your car in the wrong place and it gets clamped, many people go mad. Not only the inconvenience, but you must also pay for it. What are you going to do? Beat up the traffic warden? No, you pay the fine, collect your car and MOVE ON! Forget about it as soon as you can.

You can NEVER get even! If you could you would have to become one of them. Is that what you want to be?

I don't plan on ever lowering myself to his level nor cutting off any of his body parts. =) He has done a number on my brain and self esteem and I am working hard to move on. Sometimes it is hard to stomach that I was devalued so much to where he can move on like I was never in his life and this new supply is the best thing that ever happened to him.

I like these boards for reassurance and support from folks who have been through it. It helps alot. Thanks again for the words of encouragement.

peanut2828 wrote: I was devalued so much to where he can move on like I was never in his life and this new supply is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Peanut2828,

Don't fall for this idiosyncracy! He is like a child. Was the remote controlled helicopter the best thing that ever happened to him or did he equally appreciate the scateboard he got for Christmas?

Statements like this are designed to sucker you into their claustrophobic world, so that you spend the next six months on trying to figure out how to be better than the "best".

No need to! You are good, most probably better than what he has now, but it is not in his interest to reconcile the fact that he is not worthy of your love. You get the blame instead in order to hide his own defects.

You must come to terms: It is a psychological game! He will never tell you that you are the best, because you would stop trying harder. When you are devalued you try harder, occasionally he would throw you a bone, so you would provide him with more supply and renewed energy.

YOU must get this inferiority complex out of your head! He still has a hold on you as long as you think like that! Be a giant pumpkin not a peanut!

peanut2828 wrote: I was devalued so much to where he can move on like I was never in his life and this new supply is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Peanut2828,

Don't fall for this idiosyncracy! He is like a child. Was the remote controlled helicopter the best thing that ever happened to him or did he equally appreciate the scateboard he got for Christmas?

Statements like this are designed to sucker you into their claustrophobic world, so that you spend the next six months on trying to figure out how to be better than the "best".

No need to! You are good, most probably better than what he has now, but it is not in his interest to reconcile the fact that he is not worthy of your love. You get the blame instead in order to hide his own defects.

You must come to terms: It is a psychological game! He will never tell you that you are the best, because you would stop trying harder. When you are devalued you try harder, occasionally he would throw you a bone, so you would provide him with more supply and renewed energy.

YOU must get this inferiority complex out of your head! He still has a hold on you as long as you think like that! Be a giant pumpkin not a peanut!

You know, within days of moving out, my ex-NPD partner said to me, "You're nothing, I've written you off, you are worth nothing to me now." Or words to that effect, and my immediate thought was, "Good!!!"

Like O77 says, don't dwell on it. It means nothing.

Funny O77, that you should mention the remote control helicopter, my ex has bought one for himself and little white one for our daughter and she's pretty good at flying it too!

I was thinking this again last night - I wonder if my ex- has the same thoughts about me.

When we were together she was always whining about me not doing enough around the house, not helping with the kids, etc etc.

Since I left I've learnt to cook, I do dishes, I clean, I wash the kids and their clothes, I shop for them, I take them places -- literally all the things she wanted me to do.

So she could be wondering what a mean so and so I am that I wouldn't do all that stuff for her. I hope so.