Sharing my story (extremely long, sorry)

Hi everyone this is my first post here. I have done a lot of reading throughout the past 2 weeks and I can say that am feeling alot more better now, emotionally that is. But im still confused somewhat.

Here's my story:

I've known my husband for 2 years and we've been married for 6 months with a 2 months old baby. He fits the decription of a N to a T, but that I only realised 2 weeks ago.
Like many of you described here, I thought I have found the perfect man when I met him. I felt I was 'lucky' that he fell into my laps, shown me what wonderful future we may have together. He's 13 years my senior and has always played a sort of guiding role in our relationship. He knew the problems with my past re'ships ( i was immature then and pretty much N myself but at least I do lself-reflect and am apologetic of the things ive down towards my ex/s). I had always attracted guys and have had in the past many bf who showered me with attention and love, despite my behaviour. So in many ways, I took love for granted.
We met on the internet, I had just moved to a new city and was studying and living there on my own. It was never hard for me to get attention and after the first time we met, he started to pursue me and was extremely good to me. He looked after me in every aspect, im lazy, sometimes when i skip dinner, he would cook dinner for me and bring soup over so that I wont starve. When I feel like dessert at 11pm he would make it for me and bring it over at 12. He loves the fact that I love eating the food he makes.

When we just started dating, things moved pretty fast, but it's not just on his side, I didnt mind either, I was enjoying the love and attention i'm receiving. Being a little N /immature whatever you wanna call it myself, I still had contact with my ex/s who still treated my like their gf. I had 2 other relationships going he literally had to pull me forcely away to be with him exclusively, he tried to guide me with his patience, also was extremely angry and hurt that I was treating him like a number. Once he caught me chatting on the internet with another potential and me saying to him that I was single. Back then I didnt feel remorse for what I did when he confronted me, I even repeatedly wanted to leave him. But he persisted to a point where I felt his love for me was tested and passed.

He managed to snap me out of my past behaviour and made me see how wonderfully fulfilling it would be to have just one happy relationship with the right person. I was thankful that he woke me up and I was convinced that he was the one. He knew so much about how to nurture and sustain relationships and he was such a family man. He was reading a book on how to have a loving relationship when I met him and he clearly studied it.

He proposed to me soon after but I didnt want to get married that soon so i avoided the issue. We had lots of arguments even while we were dating, thats partly why I didnt wanna marry him. But he always made me feel it was my fault, that I started the arguments etc. I do admit that I have a very bad temper and blow up when we argue. He says that I escalate things out of proportion, but I do that because he doesnt respond to me when I try to talk or he says those often quoted things that typical N say and that drives me nuts. I must also say that I am the one in the relationship that throws things when Im angry, he did it once, when he said he'll help me destroy us if thats what I wanted.

He is controlling, but he could always do it in a subtle way as he needed to guide me and is much older than me. He does almost all of the household chores from cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. That also includes the financials now that w're married. I keep my part of the earnings but sometimes he nags that Im not contributing to the family.

My concern now is that he will get worse as I get better, he so far has never once really believed that he was wrong, I told him that I need him to comfort me after we argue and that he shouldnt just let me be. He does what I tell him to, but in his heart, he's doing it not because he's sorry for the horrible/cruel things he said to me, so as time passes, he thinks he's been taking alot of my crap and burying them inside him.

After I had the baby for a month or so, I told him I missed my family and wanted to go back to my hometown for a while, even just a weekend. He told me that now im a mum and wife and not just a daughter so I shouldnt go anywhere. I didnt like the sound of that but I stayed anyhow. Then about a week later we had a huge argument due to something trivial, but it was his choice of words and my reaction and then his reaction that escalated it out of proportion. He called me names and told me that he's got no love for me and that he cant even bear the sight of me, he just lost it. So I packed my bags and left, I needed to preserve my dignity, if he doesnt wanna see me, I wont like to see him either. I went back home and even when I called him at the airport, he still told me he meant every word. I was so hurt, and felt betrayed, no normal husband would deliberately hurt a wife like this, esp knowing that she's just given birth and could be emotional. I was sure then that he didnt love me at all. He called me a couple of times after I left, mainly to say how undeserving a mother I am and that I was secretly seeing someone there that's why I left. My parents were stunned but he's behaviour. Obviously I was very upset by how he treated me and yet he' was acting as if he didnt do anything to contribute to my leaving. (BTW he took off his wedding ring as well).

After I went back, he continue to treat me as if I was the one who deliberately abandoned the home and him, he was expecting me to be extremely apologetic and to prove my worth to him by action. He wrote on facebook that he was waiting for my 'sick and twisted justification'. I hate it that everyone elses' reasons to him are just excuses or justifications. He never looks at what he does to others.

I was so hurt and confused and didnt believe that he can be this cruel and unemotional. He thinks everyone can see clearly that Ive been so wrong and feels shocked that my parents are trying to talk to him for changes. He probably sees it as their effort to beg him to take back their poor daughter. During those dew days of cold war I could see so clearly he was testing my limits and playing with my emotions, he was trying to 'tame' me so that he will have more control over me in the long run. I didnt understand his behaviour and was emotionally drained until I came cross sites on NPD, that hit home and I realised it's useless to try talk sense to him. Im so glad I found those sites, I was able to control my pain with answers and made the decision that I needed to get out of this marriage asap.

Since coming back home, we've been sleeping in separate rooms and I've been having dinner outside. I've been waiting for a day when he becomes sick of me and blows up, emotionally and verbally abuses me and unreasonably tells me to leave again. Then I will really leave and file for divorce. However having waited awhile that was not forthcoming, instead, like many of you here may predict, he's turned the charm switch back on and has been nice and caring towards me. But not excessively though, cos then he may lose what he gained out of the argument.whole incident, rather just enough to make me feel he loves me and is giving me another chance. (O and he's reading that love-help book again)

Now that I know his games, Ive decided to play along with him, I think he'll blow up faster this way (i.e. me pretending to be back to my normal, dependent self again) than if I just waited out sleeping in the other room and giving him the cold shoulder. I am just being myself now, its been like this for a couple of days now and we've been happy, or at least Ive been happy. But I have to always remind myself that he's an N and he really doesnt have love that he may in fact despise me like he said and that I shouldnt fall back into the N addictive phase again. This is confusing me alot, because although ive seen how cruel and cold-hearted he can be, it was usually me who triggered it (or so he says ), he's told me I made him say those mean things etc...but sometimes I wonder if he will blow up at me for no reason one day when he thinks that he's got me eating out of his hands like everyone else here has experienced with their ex-N?...I guess im confused as to what he'll be like if im more tamed...

Im sorry this is more like a rambling session for me....please confirm with me that there's just no hope if he's an N, no matter what Im like. That the relationship will be a dead end if he is unable to reflect on himself, to see that he's wrong, to attempt to control me emotionally, to blame others for everything that's wrong, to take credit for everything that goes right, to have absolutely no respect of anyone but expects everyone else to respect them.....................no one's perfect, but the N thinks they are....so how can you live with someone who thinks they're perfect?

Hi Setmefree and welcome to the forum,

You're post is very long and I apologise if I've missed anything. I'm not qualified to comment on whether he has NPD.

It does however appear that you have fallen into the trap of "marrying the father figure". He might have been looking for a young, malleable woman that he could dominate and he thought he had found one in you. You are now rebelling against playing the role that he has picked for you.

You have a child together which complicates things. Your child didn't ask to be born and is the innocent victim in the conflict that is unfolding. Your first concern needs to be the welfare of your child.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

There is no real indication of N behaviours in your post. In fact, your behaviours could be construed as N as his behaviours or indeed H.

The thing that did stick out for me was how you had set him up in the beginning of the relationship to be very insecure about your feelings for him. You could say he was probably insecure already in chasing someone younger, and the lengths he would go to try to satisfy you.

My take is at some point he has become exhausted and lost the plot big time and is really trying to test out your love. In trying to match his behaviour and win I think he's going to find out you don't really love him, you love the idea of him.

If this is so, it might be time to set him straight rather than play all these games that will ultimately hurt the kid.

In any case, it seems you are set on a path for destruction of the relationship. I would suggest this is a time to be very grown up, to think of the baby first, and take the lead in getting your relationship sorted one way or the other.

Hi, what you have described is the typical escalating abusive relationship.

There's not enough in your post about him that would indicate NPD one way or the other, indeed, there's more about you.

My take on it is that he's taken a controlling position right from the start.

1. He has played on your insecurities about your behaviour in past relationships. Ask yourself why you apportion so much blame on yourself for perceived 'rotten' behaviour.

2. You were vulnerable, just moved to a new city and studying. Sounds like he's exploited your vulnerabilities. Then decided to pamper you with dinner and cooking and providing to your every whim. Playing the 'knight in shining armour'. The rescuer of the damsel in distress.

3. At almost every sentence you've somehow put yourself down in one form or another. Why on earth are you 'lazy' if you decide not to have cooked dinner? And who says that is what you wanted when he's come in and done it for you. What he's actually done there is re-inforce your perception of your laziness which I suspect you have transferred into feelings of 'uselessness'. He's sensed that and zeroed in on it.

4. While you consider it to be immature about being in contact with past boyfriends, what this really says is that you weren't ready to have a committed relationship. Being 13 years older, he should have recognised this, and instead of concurring with you about your 'immaturity' (which it's not, by the way, if you want to play the field then that is up to you) he should have walked away and left you to it. But instead, he's seen how you can fulfill his rescuer role that he's set up for himself in you.

5. On more than one occasion you wanted him to leave, but he didn't take the hint. Well, of course not, he senses your insecurities and he's twisted your rejection of him (which he should have respected) and convinced you that he's stayed despite your testing of his love! Say what? Pretty slick maneuvre, eh?

(Man-oh-man! How much of this reflects my 10 year marriage to a guy 13 years my senior? It's uncanny.... )

Anyway, I'll continue....

6. Treating him like a number? Well, yeah, and why would you choose it any other way? But he forcibly removed you from your 'flirting'? That's control, and I bet he told you he was doing it for your own good too. But really it was for his own good - again he needs to fulfill his rescuer role.

7. The paragraph where you talk about being thankful that he snapped you out of your behaviour and how wonderful he was with sustaining loving relationships and convinced you he was the one, just about sums up everything in the points 1 - 6. It's the rescuer role, and you feigned being the damsel and allowed yourself to be 'rescued'. Not to fulfil your own needs, but to fulfil his.

My guess is that he's tiring of the rescuer role, or you aren't playing your part properly. What are you waiting for? You are waiting for him to tell you to leave? Don't give him that power over you. Why let him hold your happiness in his hands?

The overall pictue is that you have a baby who will become a young child and that child is living in a house full of tension. That can have a detrimental effect on the developing brain of that child. You are role modelling parents that sleep in separate rooms for a start.

It's up to you what you do, but I do urge you to take your and your child's destiny in your hands, rather than allowing yourself to be controlled at the whim of a man who will ask you to leave whenever it takes his fancy and toy with your life like that.

Good luck.....I think you have some serious things to consider.

Cheers

Thanks everyone for bearing with my long post and those that replied.

To senseatlast: I really hope that what you're suggesting is true, at least if he's not N then there's hope for this relationship.

Another thing is that everytime we argue, he calls his parents to get their attention. (his mum is also an N) Sometimes he does it infront of me but mostly behind my back, he tells them how crazy I am and how I treat him and that how he's been putting up with me, being so good to me etcetc. I think it's just not normal behaviour for him to be so seemingly enjoying airing our dirty laundry and making his parents worry. (His mum perhaps enjoys it, although she puts it like she hates to be involved, but she always tells me to call her whenever we argue....)

To shivers: your reply hit home....this is exactly how I think it's like, yet even as Ive been reading all these posts, I still obviously displayed in my words a great deal of internalisation....i still sound like everything is my fault...
He's the one from the beginning who jokes that im lazy but then adds that its ok, he's there for me. Actually in times when I feel like doing something for him, he'll always stop me and if I proceed to do it, he'll come and help me telling me HOW to do it....there's just this strong feeling that everyone else is incompetent and only he is the best.

He is also very inconsistent...after I gave birth and was at home resting, he hired a confinement lady for me who's supposed to look after ther baby and me and allow me to rest and make appropriate meals for me. One minute he would tell me to rest more and that the confinement lady is there to take care of the baby and tell me not to worry. Another minute he would call and wake me up from my sleeping and ask me why is it that ive been ignoring the baby...(he can access the baby monitor from work). He will argue with whats best for me with the confinement lady, who of course is getting paid by him and if boss doesnt want a certain food cooked, then it's my loss. He thinks he know even more than the confinement lady on how to look after me after birth. At night he complains to the confinement lady how unmotherly i am and how he wonders I can be so lazy and just leave the baby totally to her....he displays such a controlling figure at home that there is just so much tension. He hates dealing with the confinement lady cos she's mature and experienced. She sees right through him and had told me before she left that I simply cant continue with him, a very direct statement to been made by an outsider. When we hired a maid, he looked for younger ones becos he said they're 'easier to control'.

Im not incompetent, but he makes me feel that way whenever im around him. He /and his mother will naturally belittle anyone they pick on for the moment...they tend to make exaggerated and extreme comments.

Yes shivers everything that he's forced me to do he say are for my own good. And that if I dont listen to him, I will have to pay for the consequences myself. Yesterday he told me that he's in it with me, so he's paying for the consequences WITH me...how heroic...

He truly thinks that I owe him the world for all the 'efforts' he's put into me and this relationship. When I try to walk, he intimidates me and say that I cannot just walk in and out of his life as I please.

Yesterday he found out that I had called one of my ex when I left home (when he told me to leave and to never come back). Obviously I didnt call in hopes of rekindling anything, im now married and with a baby, things are very different, I called simply to confide in him. I was so hurt and devastated and shocked with disbelief and he's always been a good friend...yes I wanted to be comforted. Now he's got the sword again and was attacking me endlessly last night, calling me names and accusing me of things that I would never even consider doing. I just dont understand how he can push me to the corner, step all over me and yet when I call for help he considers that an outrageous thing to do??...

I really dont want to have anything to do with him anymore. Thanks shivers I should stop internalising everything and yes even from the start, I used to feel that he's trying to mould me into his ideal type of wife and accused him for doing so....but I just carried on with his.....(he's reply to that is that no, he's accpeted that this is his destiny, that he will have no happiness......major guilt trip for me!! even when we marry, I wish he can feel like the luckiest man on earth, but no....he does really believe that I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN on earth)

Again shivers, you're so right, I dont know what Im waiting for......maybe just cos I dont want to provoke him further and maybe i'll just give him this pleasure of having kicked me out himself rather than me walking out on him....at the end of the day, ive made my decision...its just that i dont know how long he'll take.....

hi again. This is sounding quite serious for you. The extent of his control and the relationship with the mother is sounding very N'ish.

With your further description that was more around him than you, I can see there are some very fundamental differences in your relationship and my past marriage of 10 years, whereby ex-hubby praised me to the nth degree, to the point that I was embarrassed by it. He'd put me on a pedestal so that he could rescue me.

The marriage failed, ultimately, because it's an unrealistic goal he'd set for himself, but he wasn't abusive in the sense than an N would be. In fact, Mick, the ex-hubby was not an N at all. Since our divorce, he landed a job in China where lo and behold, he brought back a Chinese woman with a young child, about 20 or more years his junior, so he's re-living his rescue role all over again.

(Just to avoid confusion after divorcing Mick, I met Big D who was the malignant diagnosed NPD! and I split from him 1 year ago).

Anyway, back to you.

Now that it does sound much more n'ish, he's not likely to ask you to leave again and he's not likely to leave either. He's thoroughly enjoying the relationship just as it is. You left once before, and I'm not sure he'll risk that a 2nd time. I wonder if his controlling increased upon your return? I guess it may have, so I don't think he's gonna pull that trick again at any time soon.

I do fear that your relationship will escalate. His controlling will get worse, his harassment of you will get worse, and eventually he may become physically abusive.

If you could start to formulate an escape plan right now, that would be a good idea. Make your plan, keep quiet about it, don't let on, bide your time, and eventually, make your move.

Looking into the future, it's not unreasonable to predict that he'll use his mother to help alienate your son against you. I doubt he'll stop his disparaging of you to her within earshot of your son as the years progress and you may find yourself totally alone. With a teenage son, filled with N traits as he's brainwashed insiduously by his father and Grandma. Just something to consider.

If you can keep the employed help, that could be in your favour. He may try, eventually, to do away with hired help, and get you more isolated than you already are.

You have much to think about....cheers

Oh, one more thing.

When I first found this forum, about 18 months ago, I asked the question "I wonder when he'll get fed up and leave?" An answer came back from a person who knew what they were talking about, it was, "He'll never leave." And you know what? That person was right. I had to ask my ex-NPD to leave 3 times, and on the 3rd occasion, he simply said, "I'm not ready to separate from you yet." Like say what? What type of person wants to hang around in a relationship that's down the toilet, no communication, slept in separate rooms for 18 months, and I'd told him 3 times I couldn't stand the sight of him anymore and wanted to split?

And it was on one of those occasions that he got violent. You see, fear of abandonment raises some primeval uncontrollable urges within them.

I even had the police ask him to leave, and he still refused (in this State in this country, police do not have the power to remove the offender from the home if he's the legal owner, the mortgage is in joint names), so since the offence he committed wasn't bad, I didn't proceed with having him arrested. Instead the police left, and he stormed around the house, snarling insults and verbal abuse at me, while I got our 3 year old ready for bed, and we went to the spare room and ignored him as best we could.

He's been ignoring me after that attack re the phone call...
I hope he's seriously considering whether he can go on with me... I hope he'll come to a decision to divorce.
But if it were true that he'll never leave and is now just enjoying some 'hm time', then that's disturbing.

all I'm sayin' is, don't put all your eggs in the 'when he leaves' basket. Big chance he may never do it, and you're just left hanging.

shivers wrote:all I'm sayin' is, don't put all your eggs in the 'when he leaves' basket. Big chance he may never do it, and you're just left hanging.

Thanks shivers, I've actually already contacted a lawyer and my family are supportive of my decision.

Im contemplating leaving everyday, but just dunno how violent he'll get if I do it and also now that he thinks it's me who's betrayed him once again, he wouldnt be exactly very pleased if I am the one who decides to leave. (Just like when we first started, the only difference now is that he's invested much more into the relationship, gotten married with me and have a daughter..).

The opinion I got from the lawyer is that I shall stay (if i can take it emotionally) and wait until he does something unreasonable again....i wonder if him barking at me like a mad dog for that phone call I made would suffice...

Your safety is your biggest concern.

Do not threaten, or tell him of your plans, or hint to them in anyway. Act normal. Just build your plan in quiet solitude, be hyper-vigilant about leaving anything lying around that me may find. Be cool, and say things like, "You know, next year, I was wondering if we might go somewhere nice together." Or, "Next year, on your birthday, I thought we might......." anything, to let him continue to think that you're staying the long-term.

If he has any hint, he'll reduce himself to surveillance, including possibly your emails, web-sites and even this forum. As one other poster found out the difficult way.