I am feelign somthing I shouldn't after..

After My x and i had made plans to move to another country together, I rearranged all my plans, spent lots of money on the idea and things to do it, only to have him eventually play around on me, then tug me along with the idea but never actually follow through with it?

I guess even though i dont realy love him much anymore, like I use to anyway.. Im still upset that I feel so abanoned and I just cant seem to get over that he left me like this.

While he MIGHT still be there happy and what not, Im here depressed becuz i actually did love this person ALOT... more then he definatly deserved.....
I feel like I am still being tormented by him, even though he has not directly contacted me in over 6 months now...
last contact, Feb 28th.. last time I actually saw him, November 07'....

I feel like i really REALLY need to get over this, however, when he left, and actualy got there, al he did was call and cry to me on the phone, get me upset to say i love him, then dissapear for weeks at a time. Id be a fool to get involved again, this I know.... however....When he first got there, he acted like he knew he made a mistake, like he felt like he HAD to stay there after he told everyone he was going... He would always say "while im here" "im going to enjoy it while my stay lasts" things like that. implying he had no intensions to make his stay perminate.... though he has yet to come back... 9months now, since he left. Dec, 1....

i REALLY want to get done with this, i really do... I just feel like hes gonna come back again and start all over with everything....
I donno...
I shouldnt have given it so much, I feel like next time wiht someone else ill be overly cautious or I wont get heavily involved becuz now I dont know what a relationship means, how it works, nothing, The way i THOUGHT they work is you meet someone, you get along, attracted etc... you build your life together... Isnt that how it is supose to work?

his dad always gave him everything... money, co-signed... etc while I have not been given anything and grew up rather poor. You want money, get a job and get it.. everything i have i worked for...I back to square one while hes out "building his life".... I feel like after everything I SHOULD BE BUILDING MINE, while he sits and wallows over HIS mistakes... why it is reverse?

some days im stronger, some days weaker, some days i just dont feel anything... Some days I get so depressed at how unfair this is... I want to scream or bite the head off of someone who walks in my path....

Hi Thalilry08

Well, I was so caught up unraveling my relationship with my Narc mother, that I neglected to see than my ex; the third is also a Narc. You see he knew all there is to know about abusive people, what abuse is and so on, his weave around me was almost perfect; but you know what they say; if it is too perfect to be true, then it is.

He is history, and I belive in a the power of a good old Sob, leaning into the pain, letting it go through your body and crying your eyes out; just like drug recovery, the first days are wretched, really really awful, but then after you have cried all you can, and sobbed all you can, and got as sad as you can; you wake up one day and think he is scum, and like all scum, nasty smells linger behind them; but he is out of your life.

all the best

I've met people of many varying degrees: who have had this sort of "caretaken" lifestyle from parents, guardians ect.. I admit I'm one of them, albeit my parents were kinda poor. I learned sort of early that my notion that buying things would satisfy me, the created wants embedded in me was mostly false, so I stopped asking for things almost altogether.

My narcissistic friend however, never got out of the safety net. Now 19, he still frequents (and lives) in his mothers house. He demands money, food, drugs and attention constantly, with no regard for reciprocity or responsibility to give back. He's just entitled.

It's very easy to feel this sort of "entitlement." Though it sounds horrible when you describe a person as pretensious or entitled, it is very easy to become one and slip into that lifestyle.

Life is hard, and we all have to find ways to see the patterns in the grain; to find our niche where can survive. I think a large majority of people have their patterns nurtured, molded and formed by positive enviroments, caring (not controlling) parent and friend figures, responsibilities and (not impossible) tasks that teach us we can succeed at, or at least gauge our skills from failure. Sadly a lot of us never got this sort of upbringing, and even a little malignment in an upbringing can cause catastrophric formations in a pathology.

I can't empathize with the feelings you want to let go, but maybe it's a chance to expand your consciousness. Maybe the wounds caused by narcissists, antisocials and other folks who happen to cause destruction on their life's journeys cannot heal very quickly, but an understanding of their origins, foundations, and patterns can, in my opinion, make us better at spotting it in others, and preventing it from happening in the future.

Sorry just an off topic rant

After 6 months of not hearing from him, and nearly a year of not seeing him, but still feeling so very intensely 'involved' with him... maybe it is time to get some therapy or join a women's support group or a co-dependent's 12 step group...

This isn't said to be mean. I'm truly offering this as one way of getting some solid help. Maybe you need some help dealing with what some people call our 'stinking thinking.'

You're stuck. Get unstuck. You can do it!

thalilry08 wrote:
I guess even though i dont realy love him much anymore, like I use to anyway.. Im still upset that I feel so abanoned and I just cant seem to get over that he left me like this.



I feel like i really REALLY need to get over this, however, when he left, and actualy got there, al he did was call and cry to me on the phone, get me upset to say i love him, then dissapear for weeks at a time. Id be a fool to get involved again, this I know.... however....When he first got there, he acted like he knew he made a mistake, like he felt like he HAD to stay there after he told everyone he was going... He would always say "while im here" "im going to enjoy it while my stay lasts" things like that. implying he had no intensions to make his stay perminate.... though he has yet to come back... 9months now, since he left. Dec, 1....

i REALLY want to get done with this, i really do... I just feel like hes gonna come back again and start all over with everything....
I donno...

thalilry: This is a normal part of the healing process and what you're feeling is completely normal. Just be glad he's not near by...which can lead to more difficulty with letting go.

I've posted this before...but it's part of what I call "The Dance" that seems to happen in relationships with N's. From what you've posted about your feelings, I believe you need to be careful not to fall into this pattern.

Despite your pain, make sure you set clear boundaries.

From Between Devalue and Discard:

Healing from the dagger of a Cluster B partner is a slippery journey. As we regain ourselves, we have not yet completely closed our heart to this person whom we loved. We are loving people by our nature. We have experienced the end to romantic love before and with healing from this wound. With the passage of time, we often find that a loving friendship or at least a fond spirit remains between our former romantic partner and ourselves. The disordered partner sees our new energy and thirsts for it once again. From our past experience with non-disordered partners, we welcome the overture.

It is quite surprising and disappointing when the disordered partner uses up our newly-acquired energy for life in short order and leaves us again by the side of the road. Again, we must recover on our own. This dance can repeat itself many times. Each time is shorter and, thankfully, less painful. We learn to protect ourselves from the disordered, from the predator that he/she is.

In the end, the final discard belongs to us. We set the limit. We end the dance. They have no limits and are unable to do this. The abyss between devaluation by our partner and the ultimate discard by our choice is bridged when we realize that there is no going back in any way. No friendship, no enmity, there can be nothing at all.

Thanks for the replys...
I did read that on another post. Thats what finally made me realize what I had done.. Finally cut it off and ended the never ending circle of drama that was being created and continuing to spin over and over and over...
I felt like everytime i accomplished somthing, I had another hoop to jump through.
I am very glad thats done, I Just wish I could brush it off as easy as he seems to have done. I never in my life met someone I was ready to settle down with... Maybe its just the dissapointment. I've only fallen inlove twice, Both with guys who were in college, when they graduated, Off the went, without me. Not sure why this is..This last one, I was willing to do whatever he wanted, go whereever he wanted as long as it made him happy.... that was STILL not enough...
He once told me "I will find someone better then you in BC"...and he was serious.... but then a week or two later, crying on the phone again...
Then thats where the story went to hell....

I guess the fact he is back online in the chats and forums ( i happen to run into him on there and saw him).... tells me he has run out of NS and is looking for new NS, however, he has not contacted me, I was really mean in the last letter I wrote to him, Calling him a N, telling him he was Fuct up and needed to see a shrink, to go away, not to infiltrate my life again.. etc..
If he was not a narc, which, he HAS to be, i cant see any other explanation for the things he did, that would push about anyone away...

It just seemed like he was all about sex, after 6 months, Id catch him on craigslist or in a chatroom looking for things... ALL THE TIME.....Who says "i love you so much i want to be with you" then goes and does that?... Or tells you how much they care, and then they cry, and you say "ok lets work itout" then says NO and goes back into a chatroom!?
I really wish I could have gotton him diagnosed, but he was to stubborn to go to see a therapist when i suggested couples counseling..... Guess I'll never know..

thalilry08 wrote:I feel like I am still being tormented by him, even though he has not directly contacted me in over 6 months now...
last contact, Feb 28th.. last time I actually saw him, November 07'....

You are feeling like it, because you are allowing it to happen.

Everything that Lifesong said.

How about some healthy face-to-face contact with women's support groups and counselling - outside, as opposed to sitting inside, obsessed with internet sites that you've mentioned several times now. All this internet stuff can actually hold you back, and I'm thinking that even visiting this site is not helping you any longer. You're stuck.

Get out and about.....unplug the internet and re-discover the world that sits behind you that you are currently blocking out. You'll feel freer and more alive than you have for a long time.

And while you're at counselling, talking refreshingly to other women face to face, you may even uncover why you've gone from one addiction of him, to an internet addiction about him.

Give yourself a challenge: Don't turn on the PC for 36 hours...!

Everything that shivers said.
Actually, everything that Lifesong and shivers said.
Maybe read what we've both written over a few times til you're motivated to get outside of yourself to help yourself.
We're just saying this cuz we care.

I know ;( Somdays seem to be harder then others...

I have a few problems...
I cant break free of my family...
As much as I am happy here where I am, I know opporunity lay other places too... Ive always wanted to live in Alaska, i love the outdoors, or move to Europe.. Both times I left, I came home, for different reasons...

I guess im a bit jelous he can just leave and not look back.. I know I wont have my family forever...I want to cherish the time I do have with them.... We are all growing up so fast... but with each passing week, it feels like Im to late, or i've missed the boat for all these great things I COULD do... but am not..

my little brother, 21, Me, 25, my older brother 30 and my sister 35.... I have two niece and nephews, me.. none...I have noone but me... ultimatly my family..It was easir to leave witht he thought of leaving with someone else who would be sacraficing the same thing as me.... and leaving the nest for good..I have been back for two months, he has not come back yet.. if at all..if he ever will.. Im beginning to feel like a failure...
I am trying to understand we are two different people.. and it helps, but somtimes these nights get so lonly and im affraid to let anyone close to me...
I dont have any grandiose fantasies.. and i know when and if i ever did leave again, everything will be the same in life becuz I go with me, whereever I go...Somthing the N doesnt understand, or is finding out...

Ive never in life felt so alone, sidetracked, confused.. I have to take a zanex to sleep otherwise i just lay there and think, stare at the wall, hours go by before i fall asleep... It makes my days long and drawn out and im just tired all day long..

my mom was married at 20, with a N, she left him at 25 also.... Then shortly after, met my dad, and the two kids she had with the N then became my dads, then me and my brother came along too...

How is it possible to leave your family and move so far away? what does that feel like when you dont miss them? How does one cope?
ive been happier, ever since the N reappeared.... I guess becuz of the thing he said to me "I will find better then you in BC"... and he hasn't.. hows that for ya? A**hole!
I know he will never understand what he did have, it pointless to try to show him that to... hes programmed wrong.. and while for so long it was all about him, i made it ok... now its all about me and the things I want... had it not been for him, I wouldnt have woken up...

A short story....

During Dec, 07.. while my N was putting me thru hell, the date he said he was going to move away from me.. I flew to vegas upset and needed to just get away from life.. There I met a nice guy... ( on the internet of all places )... None the less, he was going thru somthing similar...a bogus relationship...etc...
We spent a wonderful week together and Il honestly say, I didnt think of the N the whole week...
Ive recently got back intouch with this guy I met, who.. now lives in Dallas.... and Im talking to him again.... He is a little younger.. 21 but mature I think that maybe he is real?
the whole week he did make me feel good.. and i know he would drop a hat given the chance to be with me (that sounds Nstic but its not like that!) he just expressed interest ALOT, and has hinted he would leave everything he has now to come here and live.....I did like him alot but was not ready for anything.

I have not looked at the profiles of the N, im not going to anymore... I deleted everything... He can have the internet.. I dont want it.. if he sees my profile, he will just be happy I am alone too....

Time is, i think, the only tihng that is going to heal this.. Ive tried about everthing.. from crying, to begging, to stopping conversatons with him, to flings, one nighters, just someone to cuddle with.. Its not the same... So... Time...is all I got left....

xoxo

Just a few more thoughts:

Was it Vankin who said that you can leave an NPD parterner, but he won't leave you? He's so thoroughly under your skin that it's hard to free yourself...
Thoughts and feelings become patterns, grooves worn into your psyche. Your mind keeps going there, because it's so used to it. The more you feed it, the deeper the grooves.
Time, of course, is on your side. But continue to direct your thought/feeling patterns in other directions, you have to literally re-train them!

You're so young - a whole life to build.
It's so important that you not define yourself by someone else. A new guy can remind you what a healthier relationship could be, but ultimately, remember, your sense of strength, self-esteem, motivation, purpose and direction are best built on your own principles, plans, balance, interest. An important, healthy relationship will best thrive on such a foundation!