Is my mother a Narcissist? (VERY long)

hey,

I'm new here, but I'd like to clarify something. I apologise for the length of the mesage, but I want to get as much info in as possible.

I've known for some time now that my mother has something very wrong with her head, which is having a knock on effect on my own ental health - I suffer from depression and severe anxiety/panic attacks, usually triggered by my mother. However, it's only recently I've really thought about what it is about her that makes me feel so rotten.

I first knew something was up when she started claiming that her boss wanted to sleep with her. He has never said as much to her, but apparently, his mere presence in her office (where there is a filing cabinet with his files in it) is indicative of his "lust" for her. It got worse when she said that, as a result of her boss wanting her, everyone in the office was following her around and spying on her. Then it got downright ludicrous, when she said that, because someone came out of the loft (where the CCTV systems are kept) at the same time she came out of her office, it meant that they had trained all the CCTV cameras on her to make sure she wasn't sleeping with her boss. At frst I thought it was paranoia.

She started seeing a counsellor shortly after, and I urged her to talk about the CCTV incident with him, but she only mentioned how all the "negative attention" was affecting her ability to work, so shortly after the counsellor (I would say understandably) didn't "help" her, she stopped going, as she said he was pointless.

She is not physically a healthy woman, but when she repeatedly complains to my brother or myself about how ill she is, or how she might be having some other ailment, and we tell her to go to the doctor, she scoffs at the idea. She won't see a doctor, but she can diagnose herself?

My father sexually abused me, and previously, two other daughers as childrena and yet my mother has always maintained how she was a victim. She has never directly said that she is more of a victim than I am, but has never openly acknowledged how difficult it might have been for me at the time, whilst constantly talking of how difficult it is for her. Not only that, but I still have to lie about my father's whereabouts to her immediate family because she doesn't any scandal around her name...I mean even just to say that they were separated is not to be mentioned, which would make life so much easier for all of us, not just me. She still talks about living with him if and when he returns (and finishes his jail sentence), because to divorce him would cause scandal back in India.

Recently, I have tried to be open with her about my own mental disorders and how they are affecting my university work. I told her that I might have to resit my year, to which she complained that I had delayed long enough. I told he that the decision was mine, ad not hers. I've gone to uni for myself, not for her. She then angrily replied that I was not only delaying myself, I was "delaying her", I was utterly flabbergasted that she had managed to make something so intrinsic to me about her. She then went on to contradict herself by saying she wanted me out of the house, despite telling me that I was a inconsiderate daughter for wanting to move out, because it made her "look bad".

I'm confused! I typed in some things about my mother's behaviour, and NPD came up a hell of lot of times. I've read a lot about it, and sokme of the symptoms are very reminiscient of my mother's behaviour, But some, I would say are really not.

She is Indian, and mental stuff is swet under the carpet; is it possible that she genuinely doesn't understand my problems? Is she not Narcissistic but just a bit selfish? If she is just selfish, am I too sensitive? could it even be said that I am the Narcissist?

I don't know what's going on, but I do know that I cannot live with my Mother's inconsiderate ramblings any longer.

Any light shed on the matter would be most, MOST appreciated.

Thanks,
Jess

PS, sorry again for the stupid length.

Hi Jess,
It sounds like you're trying to manage a heavy situation, daily.
I don't know if it's NPD, but it does sound like something's up with your mother. The paranoia (hallucinations?) are strange.

More than that, the truth is that you (and your mother?) are the definitely the victims of abuse - sexual, psychological and emotional. The fact that you're still being expected to cover the situation up, in some way, is unfair, unhealthy, and clearly adding to your stress . Have you ever had therapy yourself?

Anxiety disorder, stress disorder, PTSD, or the simple fall-out from abuse might all be the labels to be put on your state, and even your mothers?

I highly encourage to be patient and supportive with your mother, but to do what's essential for yourself to regain your own mental health.

Hug.

I have seen a few counsellors, one of whom wasted our sessions by encouraging me to be silent, another who teriffied me by being totally biased and forcing me to talk about things I really didn't feel comfortable talking about (and were not the cause of my being there in the first place). The only one who was any good (brilliant, actually) I ran away from because she said I needed therapy. Clever me.

My mother's behaviour has been ongoing for about 4 years now (actually, in hindsight much, much longer, but I've only been mature enough to notice it recently), and I believe I have shown nothing but patience for her, but have only really had it thrown back in my face. I specifically chose a university that was easy to get back home from in order to be closer to her and see her on a regular basis, which she knows, and on several occasions she has accused me of only coming back to ensure I get money from her will, and that I don't care about her (which is what hurt more than the money-grabbing comment, to be honest).

I have tried speaking to her rationally about how she makes me feel sometimes, to which she replies "That's just how I am" Deal with it basically, and yet demands that I change for her.

I continue to show a large amount of patience - admittedly nowhere near as much as I have in the past - when she continuously berates me, and it just does not help my own situation.

Sometimes I feel the only way to end this cycle is to cut her off, even if for a few days/couple of weeks, but she is my mother, and I would feel far too guilty, even if it means being depressed as hell because I'm home.

I'm very stuck as to what to do at the moment.

Hi, your panic attacks, depression and anxiety are manifestations of you trying to survive in a very hostile environment.

Your post covers many, many issues, and they are serious issues too. Serious for your health, both physical and emotional.

Childhood sexual abuse is a huge issue and is often an underlying cause for all sorts of ailments, later in life. These can also include substance abuse, homelessness, poverty, self-harm and a myriad of other things if feelings from the past cannot be resolved. YOu're not there yet, and it can be avoided (as opposed to saying this is your destiny, as it is not, but it's worth noting what unresolved issues and long term abuse can result in for the victim).

It is very difficult to give you some direct help with the minimum information you have, but your overview certainly lends itself to advisement of seeing your own counsellor. You acknowledge your abuse in your past, which is a great start.

One of the ways of dealing with the feelings of betrayal that an incest survivor seeks is reassurance from those around us that are deemed to protect us, and you search for this from your mother (understandably) but she is unable to give it. Clearly, she is too wrapped up in herself to be able to offer you the emotional support and healing that as your mother she should be giving you. It is sad, but it is not your fault that she has chosen this path. Her actions (denial) are not about you, but rather about her, her denial is her problem (although the ramifications of that can become your emotional problems too), but if you can be

With that in mind, your mother being emotionally distant and unable to give you what you need, you may have to look to yourself to fulfil your own emotional needs. This entails a paradigm shift within yourself, through counselling/therapy, of grounding yourself and making yourself feel whole. Forgiving yourself and disposing of all feelings of shame, guilt, fault, betrayal, blame. All of those feelings should be with your parents who have let you down tremendously. In a way, it's about accepting within yourself, your mother's statement of "this is how I am, deal with it". As callous as her comment is, it's the reality of all she can offer you. She is saying that you need to heal yourself, rather than look to her for any help.

I'd suggest some incest survivors support group, perhaps, and/or counselling specialised for women.

With help, you can overcome the adversities of your past. YOu being away at University is a good start. If you can attempt to emotionally distance yourself from your mother, with a view to building your own emotional health first, it would help immensely in avoiding all the disappointments your mother puts on you at present.

Have you thought about pressing charges against your father? No need to reply, I just want to plant the seed. Pressing charges gives you a 'voice', it allows you to acknowledge that HE was wrong in what he did, it can literally empower you and can be a good step in your healing journey.

I wish you the best, good luck with your Uni, and hopefully with some good positive work your depression, anxiety and panic attacks will dissipate. Take care.

Lynn

(I was hoping you'd show up for this one, Shivers!)

thanks mindful, no worries, as the Aussie saying goes