Suicide

More than one self-proclaimed N on this board has made reference to at least entertaining the thought of ending it, disappearing.

Yet elsewhere I've read that it is not really an NPD characteristic behavior to commit suicide.

Are such thoughts just an end of the passing spectrum, no more serious than they might be for me? A ploy for attention? Or is this a real temptation for many N's?

It could be that you are one of the N's who realise that their behaviour is 'wrong', and actually feel guilty about it. That would mean - in my mind - that you aren't in fact N anymore. Don't be so hard on yourself if that is the case. Their is lots of time left in your life to change things. I'm not saying that your current life is in any way wrong but, if it's making you unhappy, then it must change.

From my perspective:

No, it wouldn't be about attention. If I was going to commit suicide it would have to be final. I would have to be sure I was going to die. If I woke up in a hospital bed I wouldn't be able to stand the shame of anyone knowing that my life had been so bad that I had wanted to end it.

Suicide is also not so much of an option for me because I feel ashamed even thinking that if I succeeded people would think the above about me.

My fantasies of death tend to concern "accidental death," such as a car accident or stabbing or something like that. If I were to commit suicide it would have to seem as though it wasn't suicide, which is incredibly difficult because if I did something like crashed my car there's still a chance I would survive.

I do wish for death though. When I'm on a plane and there's turbulence I start to feel more alive in the possibility of death. Every night I "calm myself down" by imagining being punctured through the chest by a sword or a giant anchor, which could lift me up, support me... I find these images comforting. They help me sleep.

I fantasise about my funeral... obviously in a very Narcissistic way (people mourning for me, saying how wonderful I was etc.)

But suicide as a genuine option? I couldn't say. It would have to be ridiculously elaborate (i.e. I'd have to have everything in my house organised so that when people went through it they'd think what I intend them to think, it'd have to be 100% guaranteed death and it'd have to appear to be accidental). This would take a LOT of organisation and thinking... and while I do plan these things a lot, I've not yet taken any steps towards them.

By the way.... I had these thoughts well before I ever realised my behaviour was wrong. The thoughts are stemmed from a feeling of dissatisfaction and emptiness, not guilt.

Oh yes, and Mindful isn't an N!

I've used it simultaneously as a ploy for attention, and to play with someone's emotions. I would've never called a hotline on my own, but at someone's urging, with them near, and to feign remorse, I did just that.

I'm far too passive to ever do the deed, so I was slowly killing myself with alcohol, drugs, isolation and despair once I realized how toxic I was to everybody. Even that was N, though. My self-incarceration became my gift to the world.

Also, ending it all is far easier than admitting the truth to everyone you've deceived and taking steps towards becoming an adult.

"The Masochistic Avoidant Solution

The narcissist is angered by the lack of narcissistic supply. He directs some of this fury inwards, punishing himself for his "failure". This masochistic behavior has the added "benefit" of forcing the narcissist's closest to assume the roles of dismayed spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that he craves.

Self-administered punishment often manifests as self-handicapping masochism - a narcissistic cop-out. By undermining his work, his relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile narcissist avoids additional criticism and censure (negative supply). Self-inflicted failure is the narcissist's doing and thus proves that he is the master of his own fate.

Masochistic narcissists keep finding themselves in self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible - and "an objective assessment of their performance improbable" (Millon, 2000). They act carelessly, withdraw in mid-effort, are constantly fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by "deciding to abort" they reassert their omnipotence.

The narcissist's pronounced and public misery and self-pity are compensatory and "reinforce (his) self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness " (Millon, 2000). His tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous, righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated narcissistic supply.

Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such a narcissist feels!"

-from Sam Vaknin's "The Delusional Way Out"

masochistic-avoidant goes further in describing me than narcissist, but you can see how the two are interrelated.

Suicide isn't a typical narcissist trait, but I think, a trait of many humans who are not having their (percieved) needs fulfilled. I'm so far beyond wanting fame, fortune, success...it's all so meaningless to me, yet still, it's a need that I deny myself. Form = function, I am what I do...doing so little, I need only turn my attention towards reality to see my deeds' consumnurate.

Too much indignity, I'm too good to be this, I don't agree with existing on a fundamental basis.. When you refuse to let something continue, yet cannot find the will power, hope or belief that change will make things better: you need to find a solution. I'll find mine eventually, one way or another.

Look up "The Delusional Way Out" it's a great read.

Almost any sucide threat is just a cry for attention no matter who you are I believe...You want people to tell you not to do it...I used to always end arguments with saying, "you don't know how often I think about dying...blah blah blah...and whatever....I bet you would think it were funny if I died.." then leave the room....I started doing it too often and people started just telling me to just go kill myself and get it over with, and that they didn't care so I stopped because it is no fun if people tell you to go and die.....I think everyone in a bad situation wishes for death, but not sucide....sucide is weak, it showes you were scared....If you die by accident after giving so much, then it shows how nobel you were...or at least that is my thoughts.....

I've had times where I thought about ending everything, but the thing is, I don't really want to disappear and just be gone, whether that be by suicide or just up and moving halfway across the country.

The thing is, though, I don't really want to get away from anything. I want to know who would worry about me or miss me when I was gone. I want to know who would show up at my funeral, who would cry, how my absence would affect other people.
Another reason would be payback. If someone has done some wrong to me, I've thought of it as a means of getting revenge, making them blame themselves, kind of like "oh, I'll show you. I'll make you sorry. You did this to me. It's your fault, and now you have to live with it"

That defeats the purpose of committing suicide or moving away without notice though. I don't really want to die.

My N has said that to me many times when im driving him nuts with my projective behaviours....(or so he says im driving him nuts)...but I know for a fact that they wont do it, they may contemplate it...but no one will be worth it in their eyes.

That`s utter crap, atleast for me. When im in my depressive periods, I can get as low as the lowest and suicide would be the easy thing to do.

Yea it takes strenght for a Japanese or wanna be Japanese who defies they`re instincts and cut they`re belly, for honor or whatever.. But when your depressed, and im talking clinically depressed, or in a mixed state Mania/depression, its bloody strenght that keeps me from doing it.