How do you explain what you are feeling to a Narc?

I actually wanted to post this on another thread but is was locked.

The discussion ended here:


"Reading about a feeling and intellectually knowing about it is very different than actually experiencing it for yourself."

The Narcissist has a perception for good and bad. When they say: "You are not nice, you make me feel bad," it might mean something else to them.

So, when they are making somebody feel bad, do they equate the feeling with what they used to feel, (when they are treated badly) or do they not think that it has a same effect on others? Are they actually conscious of their actions, or do they just shut down their sensory mechanism in order to protect themselves from feeling empathy?

Optimist77 wrote:So, when they are making somebody feel bad, do they equate the feeling with what they used to feel, (when they are treated badly) or do they not think that it has a same effect on others? Are they actually conscious of their actions, or do they just shut down their sensory mechanism in order to protect themselves from feeling empathy?

They are not, in my experience, conscious (in the way that a non-narc is) of their actions on others. They were shut down early, never went through the stage where empathy develops, so it is not as though they shut themselves down each time something happens that might evoke empathy because it just isn't there to shut down. It's missing from their emotional make up.

I remember only a couple of times where my ex was actually aware that his actions had caused problems in relationships (I'm speaking of work relationships). This caused him a lot of stress, and he did try to think about it and why it had happened, but he only became agitated because he just didn't understand why people were saying/doing the things they were towards him. In his mind, he never did anything that should have caused such a reaction, therefore his conclusion was that these people were irrational/bad/out to get him.

Their lack of empathy makes it very difficult to explain how you feel because they won't understand it.

Yes, you can try to explain, but it will just be words to them. They won't be able to see or feel anything from your point of reference. They want you to be there for them, not the other way round. They want you to be happy all the time, never complain, and do everything they want. Discussing your feelings is simply not on their agenda.

I agree with Nanday in that I don't think they are conscious of their actions on others, particularly if it has a negative effect. I think this is partly because of their lack of empathy and partly because they think they are better than others and that what they are doing is right. If you ever question them on this behaviour you are likely to be blamed for it.

How do you explain how you are feeling?

Very briefly. They are way too busy on more important thngs -- so no point wasting both your time.

In my experience, where your feelings concern the relationship with the N, the more you dwell on them, the more you're viewed as somebody who has 'an inferiority complex' or who 'has chosen a victim role'. (direct N quotes)

Boundary setting for behavior control is the most one can really hope for, I believe.

Beyond that, I've learned that my feelings are really much too precious and personal to be shared with an N!

You wouldn't waste caviar on a toddler, would you?

Optimist77 wrote:
So, when they are making somebody feel bad, do they equate the feeling with what they used to feel,

Nope. In my experience, they do not recognise when they are making someone feel bad. Return comments tend to be on the lines of: "No matter what I say it shouldn't change the way you feel." As though they can say whatever they damn well like, and if it doesn't make you feel good, it's your fault.

Plus, if you do try to tell them how bad they made you feel, watch the conversation be quickly manipulated into entirely how they've been wronged. It's quite clever really. (but impossible to live with)

And I'm 100% with Mindful about sharing my wants, needs, desires, thoughts with an N. They're too precious to be changed into ammo. And I love the caviar/toddler analogy.

shivers that is interesting. so i've been reading that narcs are highly successful, smart, etc. but can't really understand other people's feelings. and you mentioned that it's unlivable--the idea that they will turn on you when you say you feel bad.

my boyfriend seems to be this way (doting parents) when i bring up stuff that bothers me. seems like he has narc tendencies.

but also i will have to agree with what someone else said that they may be wrapped up in their own feelings and insecurities too much to recognize other people's feelings. just because they seem unfeeling doesn't mean they don't have feelings. also some male narcs probably haven't been taught to express their feelings which is probably why it's buried inside.

It seems to me that if You express negative feelings (about your relationship with the N) to the N, s/he will perceive either:

a) your problem (and weakness), not his

or

b) your attempt to criticize HIM for being inadequate, and therefore an attack on him.

In either case, simply something s/he cannot deal with. The more you insist to the contraty, the more you will be distanced!

Wait a tic...

You explain your feelings to a NPD the same way you would express them to anyone else.

This thread doesn't seem (to me) to be so much about the N as the person wanting to express their feelings...

It seems to me the real question the poster is asking is...

"How do I get the desired results from the N"? or... "How do I get MY supply from the N in my life"?

The answer is you don't!

This isn't just about Ns or Hs or any other PDs... this about relating to people!

You can't control what other people say, think and do!

When you start relating to people with specific expectations concerning their response you're doomed to disappointment!

In the case of the N/HPD you already know they are disordered yet you still expect reason and compassion from them?

Hello?! DISORDERED!

Mindful is spot-on here...

mindful wrote:Boundary setting for behavior control is the most one can really hope for, I believe.

It is a waste of time, and they will pretend they understand you when they really do not. So there you will be stuck.