Narcissism and verbal abuse

There is a forum for verbal abuse, but I thought it would be useful to list some of the common phrases that narcs use when they abuse verbally. Mine was very masterful at it: I have listed some of the recognized categories of verbal abuse below, along with some of the phrases he used. I'd be interested in hearing from others if they recognize these.

WITHHOLDING, as in refuses to listen or withholds information.
- "Can't we talk about this later? I'm very busy right now"
- "I'm too tired to talk about this now."
- "You keep bringing this up again and again."

COUNTERING (correcting)
- "I know more about this than you do"
- "What do you know about it?"
- "I studied this at school. It was my area of expertise"

JOKING at the expense of another
- "What's the matter? Don't you have a sense of humour"
- "It was just a joke, don't take it the wrong way"

JUDGING (often under the guise of being helpful)
- "You never were any good at making financial decisions, and you won't listen when I try to help you"
-"I'm only trying to help. I can't do anything if you won't listen to me."

TRIVIALISING
- "It happened a long time ago. Get over it."
- "Other people don't make a big deal about something like this."

THREATENING
- "I don't have to take your sh*t. I'm leaving."

NAME CALLING
- "You're so clumsy"
- "Don't be stupid"
- "You're crazy"

FORGETTING
- "If you say it happened, I suppose it must have" (with a puzzled and concerned look as though I was imagining it) OR
- "You imagine things"
- "You blow things out of proportion. It didn't happen like that."

ORDERING
- "Go and get me the...(hammer, chisel, etc.)
- "Bring me the paper"
- "Tell the children to do the dishes"

DENIAL - insisting he is NOT abusive
- "I don't have a clue what you're talking about"
- "I'm no different than any other husband. You're just too sensitive"
- "Everybody says things they shouldn't. You do it all the time."

DEFLECTING:
- "What do you mean how do I feel? How would you feel if you were me?" (sarcastically, as though I was insensitive)
- "Everybody has their own ideas. I'm entitled to mine."

I don't see how any of this is exclusively narcissistic. Indeed, verbal abuse itself is probably as common outside of the narcissistic population than inside. It is literally the last socially acceptable outlet to release frustration on another.

Something a little more narcissistic would be psychological abuse. Though not necessarily narcistic, it is the Narcissists weapon of choice. Rather than directly attacking, he will warp the reality in which you stand against you. First he will isolate you (essential to brainwashing anyone), then he will build his reality around you, then he will convince you your reality is crazy/stupid/wrong/weak/etc. Eventually everyone cracks, and once they do the narcissist has effectively made himself a god in total control of that person's reality.

At no stage in this process is direct abuse necessary, meaning there is almost always very little substantial evidence of any wrongdoing to affirm oneself, or hold the narcissist to accountability. You can say to a magistrate "He hit me", you can say "He swore at me", but you can't say "He broke me".

digital.noface wrote:I don't see how any of this is exclusively narcissistic.

I didn't say it was exclusively narcissistic. However, it is an important tool in their arsenal. I believe that narcissists use verbal abuse differently than other verbal abusers - who might use it for instance as a way to vent anger or frustration.

Narcissists use verbal abuse to deflect real communication, confuse and ultimately control their supply.

Abuse speech certainly reveals a narcissistic trait, as it's a clear window on how the speaker views him/herself and others!

Subtle attitudes displaying sense of entitlement, lack of true regard and empathy, eventually seep through even the mildest of abusive speech (and behavior) patterns. They become ever-more glaring and grating to those closest to the N.

I recognize many of those phrases, (attitudes) Nandy.

One of the most painful, for me, is when someone (his children, for example, who really have no way of knowing something) ask a 'stupid' question, the tone of his voice, if not his words, reflect his judegement of it as a stupid question!

Big D was proficient in all those categories. In fact, about 90% of the crap that came out of his mouth was one form of abuse or another.

The most common was:

I didn't say that.
No, I didn't.
You are making this up.
Since when?
I never did that.
It didn't happen that way.
I'm sure you are embellishing.
I'm sure you are exaggerating.
You are crazy, making stuff up all the time.
I'm confused.

Actions: Consistent eye rolling, tutting, sighing and other signs of complete disapproval at being disturbed to enter into a conversation.

Almost everything he said was about denial and forgetting and minimising. He NEVER acknowledged anyone else's view point or feelings, NEVER, no exaggeration. (oh, except for in the pre-entanglement days, then NONE of the above existed).

And all of this stuff is nowhere near exclusively narcissistic, although I do tend to think that where a less complicated abusive person would know they are lieing when they deny and 'forget', the narc actually believes it as their perceptions of themselves are heavily skewed.

I must say that from my own experience with narcs, npd and verbal abuse go hand and hand. And it seems the large majority of narcs do use verbal abuse as their main weapon. From what I have read, the percentage who move on to physical is smaller. True, anybody can be verbally abusive at times. We have all made cutting remarks! But with narcs it is habitual. And it pervades their way of communicating generally. And verbal abuse has very real psychological effects. I think, digi, that the psychological abuse you describe is usually accomplished by verbal means. With narcs more often than not verbal abuse is wrapped up with emotional manipulation, and it is this manipulation through which the narc tries to manage our impressions and distort our sense of reality. The only thing about the list you posted, Nanday, is I feel it doesn't quite indicate how subtle, sinister and all-pervasive verbal abuse can be as used by a narc. We could all say one or the other of those things at some time and in certain situations some of those examples would not necessarily be abusive. But the narc makes a habit of talking to the other in such a way as to repeatedly arouse feelings of fear, guilt, inferiority, stupidity, badness, etc. You only get the good stuff when you're compliant and supplying.

Yep I've heard many of those phrases but I've also used some too. I think it's definitely in the context they're used and I always kept thinking " It's one rule for you and another for us lot" time and time again. Here's some of my commonly heard phrases:

"Watch your tone of voice when you're speaking to me"
" You always get defensive when I talk about this I dare not bring it up"
"You're over sensitive I feel like I can't say anything to you"
" We need to put this behind us and stop dragging up the past"
" You never said that so don't say you did"
" I never said that you make things up as you go along"
"All I want is a bit of respect"
"What have you ever done for me"
"I gave everything up for you"
" I'm just looking out for you people take advantage of you"
"What women wouldn't want such adoration"

ME!!!

Melodie, often the way to deal with constant verbal abuse is to end up returning the abusive phrases ourselves. It's happened to the best of us and many of us here have wondered if the NPD in our life has changed us to become like them.

But this is not true, when the abusive comments disappear from our lives, we revert back to how we used to converse, which is much more pleasant.

SoSal, from all my readings, (and experience) I can't help but come the conclusion that one cannot be NPD and NOT be abusive and controlling. They go hand-in-hand, for sure.

shivers wrote:SoSal, from all my readings, (and experience) I can't help but come the conclusion that one cannot be NPD and NOT be abusive and controlling. They go hand-in-hand, for sure.

I agree totally. And the abuse is all about control.