unreal

It is strange because although I have learned a great deal about NPD and it explains perfectly what I experienced, I find suddenly myself having the feeling that none of it can be real. Some part of me does not seem to be able to accept that a person can have consciously do the things she did to me, in a calculating way, without emotion. And I find myself feeling that it is I myself that must be at fault in some way, and that she simply "lost interest" in me and our relationship due to my fault.

At first, when reading about NPD, I had the feeling of learning something significant that gave me insight not into this relationship but a couple previous I have had. But, even though I have all this information before me, I find myself thinking to myself: it is impossible!

The whole thing seems like a bad dream to me, like something that could not really have happened.

Although when around two weeks I found out she had lied to me and was cheating, I wrote her to tell her I knew this and told her never to contact me again, I am still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that she has not contacted me at all. Not to apologize, or even to try and turn things around on me! Nothing at all.

This makes me feel very strongly that I and our relationship meant absolutely nothing to her. How could she just "turn off" our relationship instantly as if none it had happened? To me this is just impossible to comprehend. And all of the reading I have done about NPD doesn't seem to make it any less unreal to me. It all feels even more unreal at this point.

Yep, it's like a bad dream alright, a friggin' nightmare!

But the worst thing is that others don't believe us when we tell them the things the NPD does, thinks and acts like. Unless you're speaking with someone who's experienced it as well, the stories are fobbed off with excuses such as "I'm sure you're exaggerating." Or "Noooooo, that could never happen, surely?" "He/she did what? Well, that is strange, are you sure you've got the full picture?" And one of the worst one's I have trouble dealing with is, "Well, you must have done something to instigate it, can you think back to what it was and figure out how to change yourself."

Don't you just hate when they call you Shirley?

I know I do!

Just alil thread hijackin' humor this mornin', Lynn!

But seriously, you hit the nail right squarley, smack dab on the head... and what does it say about people in general?

That they want to give the benefit of the doubt, that they look first for the goodness in others... kinda like we did when we first met the diabolical devils.

Good traits to be sure, for we would like that same consideration.

But the cluster B has learned over the years to rely on this very good and honest human trait. To manipulate it, and by extention the very people that exercise it, into supply. The seeming gullibility of others is often times where the drama starts.

And start it does but people aren't all that gullible. The N/HPD is the most gullible of all, they actually believe their own tripe to be true/reality... it isn't long before people see through this.

So, if we have the same sort of faith in people that they have in the H/NPD, things will even out in the long run.

sobresaliente wrote:I find suddenly myself having the feeling that none of it can be real. Some part of me does not seem to be able to accept that a person can have consciously do the things she did to me, in a calculating way, without emotion. And I find myself feeling that it is I myself that must be at fault in some way, and that she simply "lost interest" in me and our relationship due to my fault.

Did you feel that she was testing you? You are given the ultimate challenge, and if you pass the test, you might move to the next level. Narcs consider others wimps. They challenge you constantly to see if you are willing to be tested. It is so Absurd, just like saying: "Show me that you love me, even if I treat you like garbage."

I wonder if in some cases parental abuse from childhood could be responsible for such a crocked development. The fear of abandonment forces them to think: "We must be 100% satisfied that the partner we choose will not let us down." Therefore, putting them through rigorous maltreatment, satisfies this requirement
If he stays, he would probably continue loving and adoring the subject UNCONDITIONALLY!

sobresaliente wrote:find myself thinking to myself: it is impossible!

It exists.

sobresaliente wrote:Although when around two weeks I found out she had lied to me and was cheating, I wrote her to tell her I knew this and told her never to contact me again, I am still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that she has not contacted me at all. Not to apologize, or even to try and turn things around on me! Nothing at all.

She is expecting you to apologise! You must be prepared to do that to show your absolute devotion. It is not about being right! It is about proving that your love is UNCONDITIONAL!

sobresaliente wrote:This makes me feel very strongly that I and our relationship meant absolutely nothing to her. How could she just "turn off" our relationship instantly as if none it had happened? To me this is just impossible to comprehend. And all of the reading I have done about NPD doesn't seem to make it any less unreal to me. It all feels even more unreal at this point.

"Relationship" is a one way street.

optimist, you asked "do you feel she was testing you?"

Maybe that is all it was, a series of tests. In that case, I must have failed them.

To me while in the situation many of the things she did simply seemed very inconsiderate. I would call her on these things, and her first reaction would usually be one of anger and defensiveness. She would claim she had no awareness that what she was doing might have hurt me and then after some time would apologize and say she know she made a mistake.

But despite repeated apologies, nothing changed. She continued doing inconsiderate things and it got worse with time. She would arrive later all the time. Find reasons to make me wait longer and longer before talking to me. She always had "to do something" or had "many things" to do (notice the vagueness). She would take calls from others on her cellphone while we were talking, and allow the calls to go on for a long time. Etc.

All tests maybe? Guaging my reaction? Seeing how much I was willing to put up? Seeing if I could be "trained" to accept more and more neglect, worse and worse treatment?

It has nothing to do with testing, it has everything to do with abuse and control.

Good afternoon, Bill! {waves}

If you do some reading about verbal abuse, it won't be so unreal to you. What she has done and the things she said are well documented and you'll find many examples that'll have you highlighting passages.

Patricia Evans covers all areas of verbal abuse expertly. All her books are good.

Abuse is as common as muck, and they all have muck in common.

That's my new motto for 2008....

Regarding "unconditional" ...

Interestingly enough, I can remember her using that very adjective at times. Things like: "I like unconditional feelings," "love should not have any conditions." (Ironic since I can also remember that during arguments which she herself had engineered she would use the phrase "I love you, but...")

I assume that in some way all the words and expressions favored by the Narc are self-serving. If you are exploiting and taking advantage of someone and want to continue doing so, it is in your best interest to demand unconditional love from them!

NObody's Jo wrote:Optimus Prime for sobresaliente:

She is expecting you to apologise! You must be prepared to do that to show your absolute devotion. It is not about being right! It is about proving that your love is UNCONDITIONAL!

May i 'quirk' with this statement a bit?

NObody's Jo wrote:"Unconditional love does not mean submission to a degrading situation. Love means seeing the situation for what it REALLY is, and then deciding what i wish to do about it.

If the condition is "relationship without abuse" love cannot be unconditional. It's the chicken or egg situation...

When unconditional love is proven, then WHAT?

Narc self esteem is so small and weak that constant proof and reinforcement is needed. They must be loved, no matter what they do, or how they behave.

Quite ABNORMAL!!

Shivers,

Abuse is abuse, but if you look at it for a moment, "testing" can be the Narc's reasoning. Of course, it cannot be a never ending process. At he end the question is asked: "Have we passed the test or not?" The usual answer is "I do not know", therefore the testing can never end.

I think that this is one of the main reasons why people feel stunned. Sobresaliente said that is was UNREAL. I've had similar feelings.

A drill sergeant can tell you to run in the desert with an 80lb backpack for 5 hours without water. WHEN you have passed the test, you are rewarded. In the Narcissistic world there is no reward, only empty promises...

'Desire' is never about the desired object, but about the desiring itself.

The N-NS dynamic has a warped, perverted element of that 'desiring' (by the NS), controlling (by the N), and in the varying degrees of tension, and even perheps inversion, between the two.

Once you get there, the trip's over: the enery rush of the tension subsides.

Emotional addiction. It does sound (and feel) a lot like substance abuse!

sobresaliente wrote:I am still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that she has not contacted me at all. Not to apologize, or even to try and turn things around on me! Nothing at all.

Wait a minute. She gave you what you wanted, right? No contact! So where's the problem? Do you want her to come crawling back, beg forgiveness? As if.

My narc once said to me about people who'd broken off with her in the past (another red flag ignored, btw.) Gee, I wish they'd call and apologise, try to make friends again.

You took the first step and dumped her. That's what I did and it felt GREAT - like a monkey off my back. Give yourself some credit and get on with your life with no regrets. You did the right thing.