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42y/o just realized im covert narc

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42y/o just realized im covert narc

Postby TonySG » Wed Feb 15, 2023 7:26 pm

I'm a 42-year-old male and I've recently come to the realization I may be a covert narcissist.

I've struggled in my life - very shy, withdrawn, introverted, anxious, negative intrusive thoughts, resentful, petty, cowardly, grandiose, I could go on and on. I have no friends or any real relationships, I just don't feel comfortable around people. The only time I feel comfortable around others is when I feel I am in control. I've been like this my entire life but had no idea the cause behind it. I thought I was suffering from trauma/cptsd which was causing of my issues. But learning about covert narcissism has fits me more accurately.

I came to this realization recently from experimenting with psychedelics, this was after trying traditional forms of therapy and getting nowhere. The psychedelics have opened my mind up and I can see things about myself that I was completely oblivious to before. I see how I am manipulative and sneaky. I can't believe I am seeing these things about myself. It's humbling but also quite liberating. My life finally makes a little more sense.

I believe I picked up this narcissistic wound very early in my life 2-4 years of age. I think my mother has a similar wound and my father was an aggressive alcoholic. I decided very early on, to not be myself.

I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. But I also wondered if real recovery is possible. A lot of information out there makes you believe narcissists are doomed to live their lives in this way forever. However, following the breakthroughs I've experienced with responsible psychedelic use, I feel recovery is a possibility.

Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
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Re: 42y/o just realized im covert narc

Postby Akuma » Fri Mar 03, 2023 7:36 am

It depends on what you define recovery as. Personality disorders are hard to treat and take ridiculous amounts of time in therapy to get anywhere. Since they usually use psychodynamic approaches the sessions can seem onfocused and seem not to work on anything in particular basically indefinitely, especially if there is lots of dissociation going on and you dont consciously perceive what you are working on.
Ive myself been in therapy now for 5 years or so and while some stuff definitely changed theres other stuff that I feel has not changed at all. So I think you need a high level of thick-headedness (and depending where you live lots of funds) to go through with it. Not being able to control the outcome of it and - possibly also unconsciously - starting to learn to depend on someone else is also part of the process.
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