What Do You Do?

I left my wife 12 months ago almost to the day. I was pretty sure she has NPD. The final night she made this bizarre attempt to have me stay by telling my concerns about her were all a story and if I could give it up, then we could be together. I was just waiting for her to say she loved me and wanted me to stay. In the ensuing melee I told her I thought she had a psycholoigcal problem.

Tonight she told me she is marrying her boyfriend of 3 months. I tried to reason with her for the sake of my 7 and 5 year old kids.

She told me she wasn't impulsive and that I should trust her. I pointed out where she had consistently broken agreements and she just went sleazy and eventually said she had to go because she was getting angry. She deflected all the evidence or denied making the agreements. Sound familiar?

She basically said that because I thought she has a psychological problem that I was not in a position to make any informed comment because she doesn't have a problem. The way she brings it up makes me think it must have really stuck and touched that deep part of NPDérs that know they're not right.

Her parents are her enablers and apparently are all for this union.

So what do you do? She is ensuring her NS and potentially stuffing my kids around, yet again. Just suck it up I suppose.

You got yourself into quite a mess marrying this one.

The problem with most NPD's, as you apparently know, is that they will NEVER admit flaw in themselves. EVER. Which means that they're a lost cause. If you try, all you'll do is frustrate yourself. Or rather, become frustrated by their ignorance.

Getting married after 3 months doesn't sound like anything I've read/heard of as far as NPD's are concerned though. Perhaps her NPD is comorbid with DPD? Although NPD and DPD seem like a contradiction.

Would HPD's rush into marriage? It seems like they could with the way they exaggerate relationships. And the sleaziness would also fit. Also, I dunno, something about the way you describe this woman, just smacks of HPD to me. That irritating stuck-up ignorant bitchiness.

Thanks LaserWolf. Yes, it's a lovely little mess. You express my frustration with her never admitting her flaws quite nicely.

I'll have another look at the HPD angle.

I've always known there would be another guy pretty quickly. Just didn't bank on marriage. I thinnk it was Joanna Ashmun's pages -- where she says NPD's don't like to be alone as there is no one to give them their attention. I rationalised it as she is ensuring she gets her narcsissistic supply. Getting married as soon as possible locks him in.

It's long bow but this has coincided with me cutting contact right back after an episode of abuse.

He seems like a nice enough but pretty weak fellow. She has certainly gvien him the radiance treatment as I call it. He is very enamoured of her. Poor bugger.

what would I do if my 5 and 7 year old children were involved in the messy life of your ex?

I'm not sure you're only option is to 'suck it up'. You're not far off though! Which is sad.

The long term outlook for kids with an NPD mother is not good, particularly if one is a girl, as the mother has a larger influence. Seeing as there isn't much you can do with your ex, concentrate on your children.

Look at areas of providing them with regular and good examples with your stable parenting.

Try and see if you can increase your access time with them. Have them sleep over your place as often as practical. Offer to take them away for vacations. You could come in on the angle of allowing your ex to spend more quality time with her new mate.

NPD's are not really interested in developing meaningful relationships with kids. In a nutshell they don't like 'em. But they will say they do, they will say the kids are their life. Then they will do things like abandon them, neglect their needs, and generally be bad parents, bordering on abuse, or even be outright abusive to them sometimes physically and most definately emotionally.

There's a good chance your ex is finding the kids a 'distraction' in her life right now, so it could be a good chance for you to step up and increase your access time with them, take them away from their environment which I am almost certain is toxic to them.

From your point of view and what can you do? If you love your kids, you'll do a LOT to make sure you provide good parenting examples and lots of fun times free from anxiety.

You will need to be prepared for the following:

Resistance by your ex as she prepares to use the kids as power-play tools against you the minute she suspects they are important to you.

AND

Acting out by the kids as a result of the abuse she subjects them to. They really will be needing a loving, stable and disciplinarian type of parent as a role model. I can't emphasise that enough.

Hope this helps and good luck.

I think you might be onto something Laserwolf. I've just read the description on the HPD forum and it rings a lot of bells.

I had read other descriptions of HPD but the one on the HPD forum is quite detailed. Gee it sounds familiar.

The one area that doesn't seem to fit is that she just isn't that sexually oriented. She did suggest sex very quickly on the second date, and seemed keen for a while like 6 momths. It got steadily worse and then admitted she didn't find sex very satisfying. When we split she did come looking and we had two epsiodes and then she just fell away again.

Is it possible that there can be a HPD/NPD link?

There can be traits of HPD mixed in with NPD, and also BPD, you can also have narcissistic-borderline.

It's worth noting that narcs come in 2 forms, somatic (use sex and body for control) and cerebral (use intelligence).

It can get complicated, if she's highly sexual, you may have a somatic narc with histrionic tendencies.

Either which way, she's a bad role model for a parent and your kids are her victims.

You are amazing Lynn. I re-wrote my post to ask about the link and you had already posted the answer. Thank-you.

{takes a bow} oh, ok, whatever it was I did, I'll accept your compliment very graciously.

That's me done for the night...I'm off to hit the sack. Night!

Ok, I see it now! 4 mins before you edited.....spooky, eh?

Edited to add: But dont' let it detract from the posts' content, it's a very serious issue for your kids, ok?

SenseAtLast wrote:The one area that doesn't seem to fit is that she just isn't that sexually oriented. She did suggest sex very quickly on the second date, and seemed keen for a while like 6 momths. It got steadily worse and then admitted she didn't find sex very satisfying. When we split she did come looking and we had two epsiodes and then she just fell away again.

Possible cerebral narc. Sex tends to become a chore, it's something they feel they have to do within a relationship coz they've read other people do it, so they should too.

lynn0407 wrote:The long term outlook for kids with an NPD mother is not good, particularly if one is a girl, as the mother has a larger influence. Seeing as there isn't much you can do with your ex, concentrate on your children.

Look at areas of providing them with regular and good examples with your stable parenting.

Tick. I make sure the house is clean when they come over, beds made, everything tidy. I try to cook (try being the operative word) meals for them and we eat together setting the table with napkins and the whole routine. I get them to help out, praise them. I try to make it as routine as possible. I was even showing my 5 year old the other night that what adults do is clean up after dinner and wash the dishes ready for the next day. He had this funny, quizzical look on his face like "Gee, I've never seen that before."

Try and see if you can increase your access time with them. Have them sleep over your place as often as practical. Offer to take them away for vacations. You could come in on the angle of allowing your ex to spend more quality time with her new mate.

Tick. Just gone from one night a week to two. Am considering 50/50 parenting but how to swing out of school care every fortnight? Also just planned the two week holiday pre-Xmas with them. I am also dealing with the impending death of my mother in the next few days but after that will aim for the occasional weekend. The ex- seems to really like this idea.

NPD's are not really interested in developing meaningful relationships with kids. In a nutshell they don't like 'em. But they will say they do, they will say the kids are their life. Then they will do things like abandon them, neglect their needs, and generally be bad parents, bordering on abuse, or even be outright abusive to them sometimes physically and most definately emotionally.

There's a good chance your ex is finding the kids a 'distraction' in her life right now, so it could be a good chance for you to step up and increase your access time with them, take them away from their environment which I am almost certain is toxic to them.

This seems to very true. As they grow older she does seem less interested. The ex- gets her parents to baby sit 2-3 times a week and on weekends when she is supposed to have them. This is almost exclusively to be wth the new guy.

The kids have been used to 24/7 access and now she is no longer available for them. This has been a shock to the 5 year old and he has been acting out by hitting other kids at school. Luckily, he has a very good disciplinarian as a teacher and we have been overcoming this.

We are having an ongoing argument over two mice she bought the kids. They are now neglected and stink the house out which I have as a sign of neglect of the kids. They have to sleep with quite a strong smell of animal faeces/urine. She keeps their clothes in boxes in the family room after I complained I could smell it on their clothes.

From your point of view and what can you do? If you love your kids, you'll do a LOT to make sure you provide good parenting examples and lots of fun times free from anxiety.

Been hard with dealing wth my own issues. I had a mini-breakdown of my own about a month ago. But, I have been having lots of fun times as well. Movies, picnics, mini-steam train, beach, playgrounds. We usually go somewhere on my access day on the weekend, and this has really bonded the kids to me.

You will need to be prepared for the following:

Resistance by your ex as she prepares to use the kids as power-play tools against you the minute she suspects they are important to you..

I'm not sure about this one. She seems willing to get them out of her hair at any opportunity at this point. It'll sound even more messy but I only live 120m away at the moment so get to see them quite a bit. The but is that she may want to move them 40 minutes away so she can live in her parents pockets.

AND

Acting out by the kids as a result of the abuse she subjects them to. They really will be needing a loving, stable and disciplinarian type of parent as a role model. I can't emphasise that enough..

Tick to the acting out as described above. The ex- claims there is not a problem. At one point she was denied seeing anything when I said it was having an impact on the 5 year old.

I am reasonably strict, routine and stable by nature. After initial complaining about discipline they respond quite positively.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Sure does. I've very grateful.