I broke her heart, became self aware

I recently discovered that I dont live in the real world. The most beautyfull english girl confessed her love to me and I (back then the false self) and I didnt care or know. Didnt even walk up to her like it ment nothing to me. Even though I saw her crying later. Of course now I know that I had NPD and it didnt exist that others have feelings. Not a thought I could possibly have entertained, even though it was obvious and even if it wasnt, I could just ask her and she would confess (she was jealous of another girl at the time). The false self knew, using the photographic memory of emotional reactions and hated her for it right away, the same way it pushed away all the other girls before her. Being a monster to a little girl. About a month or so later I fell in love with her. Only that way I even would know she was in love, becouse my true self had no empathy. It took an extreme ammount of time to even understand what happened, lacking object constancy.

Now I know that ONLY the true self was in love with her - that one feeling confirming my existence. My false self couldnt allow that, couldnt allow me to feel. Now I understand internal dialogue, between the selves. "Am I in love with her?" - that thought was impossible, the false self cant feel love. "YOUR love is cheap, you can love any girl" and she was truly special - my false self telling me I mean nothing to her. Now when I managed to piece back together what happened I understand that she was STILL in love the whole time. Waiting for me for months. Beliving in me. That I wont be an idiot this time. Even though I was hurting her. Even though I was a monster. Still loved me despite all that. Tried to do anything for me. Save me with all her power. Didnt matter to my false self.

After months she became desperate and tried to confess again. My false self could not allow that. Could not allow me to see her confession, and it was making all the decisions. Especialy becouse I was in love with her and I would know this time. Walked past her like she didnt exist. Now I understand what it was doing - it saw her body language with the corner of the eye - desperate in love. So she didnt exist. I had no way to challenge it. Destroying me like that. Doesnt matter if im hurting her. Did It untill I broke her heart. Then was instantly madly in love. Loves to be hated. She will never understand. She will just think im the biggest idiot she ever met - didnt know she was in love, broke her heart and fell in love. "Please I love you, please dont break my heart. Ill do anything for you" - is what she would have said. The cruelty of this still terrifies me.

No wonder. I would never understand or belive If it didnt happen to me. It was horrifying to discover how I treated her. But I had to learn empathy first to feel for her. It was magic. I felt her heart breaking. Even thought I had no empathy of my own - I had her empathy, but only while we were both in love with eachother. But at the time the true self was only strong enough to show that It exists, and that its hurting her. "WE dont want her to be with US". Didnt notice at the time that its a WE becouse you have no self reflection. Just an automaton. See love - hate. Be hated - love.

And she would love that. She would love that she is the only person in the world I can feel for. That she was the ONLY GIRL I EVER LOVED, as I found out, after I lost her of course (YOUR LOVE IS CHEAP). Even thought Im 29 years old. She ment everything, so she didnt exist. Becouse my false self was pretending to be me. I didnt know it pretends the feelings. Simulates the feeling and its affect. Simulated love for girls before. Was unfathomable to me. I would never belive. Couldnt care less If Id almost die from the heartbreak and coming off narcissistic supply. Just an automaton.

The grief, regret, shame, humiliation and pain was almost too great this time. Only kept me alive that It wasnt me. That I never even existed. That I was a little boy being held captive in an endless nightmare. Where your dream wants to give you her everything, and you almost die becouse of it. Happyness with her body. One can imagine what happens when the circumstances are less fortunate. While the emotions were negative ones, IN A WAY IT WAS NICE TO HAVE GENUINE EMOTIONS FOR THE FIRST TIME. IN MY LIFE. Id never even discover this If I didnt do something so ###$ up Id rather died. I RATHER ######6 DIED. A narcissist. And you dont even get to choose or know.

And then when I finally spoke to her, the false self just lashed out - that I never wanted to be with her anyway, and how little she ment to me. Narcissistic rage. Devalue, discard. Even thought I wanted to say something completelty different. Making sure I have no redeemable qualities. Becouse my true self loved her and needed her desperately. And all I had to do was to show her my meteorite. She would know she found the special one. The unique one like she was. And It would be a ######6 fairytale. Both fell in love from first sight, with eachother. 1 in a 100 billion. Instead I tried as hard as I can to be the biggest idiot. All the simple things are impossible when you have this. I dont know If I can forgive myself.


I thought this over in every imaginable way over the course of a few months and its still breaking my heart. Never having anything and loosing her too. I would apreciate feedback and questions, or If someone could point out faults in my reasoning or alternative expalanations please do.

If I wasnt a narcissist, she wouldnt fall in love with me.
Ive counted heartbreaks over the years - 9 + 2 im not sure of.
They all want the monster incapable of feeling for another person.

Welcome to the club. I would suggest taking therapy. While NPD cannot be cured, you can definitely learn to tame it so it does not get out of control. You can learn to lessen the false ego.

thx. I documented my treatment in other threads. I made extreme progress, no longer even depend on narcissistic supply, maintain my personality internaly. In 5 months I went so far as for the condition to not even be recognizable. It might even be curable but we will have to see in extreme long term. There is hope even for that.

I wish I took therapy it was lonely and painfull. Just to talk to someone, my thought patterns switched every month, the version of what happened was completelt different, you are so ######6 insane and out of touch with reality. Just treated myself, writing to people on facebook was my therapist I guess. And 1 friend saw me threw.

Just one addendum. I was the inverted narcissist (other names: covert, narcissist codependant). Some characterisitcs:

It is the "self-effacing" or "introverted" narcissist. We call it the Inverted Narcissist (hereinafter: IN). Others call it "narcissist-codependent" or "N-magnet" (which erroneously implies passivity and victimhood).

The child accommodates, idealises and internalises (introjects) the narcissistic and abusive Primary Object successfully. This means that the child's "internal voice" is also narcissistic and abusive. The child tries to comply with its directives and with its explicit and perceived wishes.

The child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality, an ideal source, an accommodating, understanding and caring caterer to all the needs, whims, mood swings and cycles of the narcissist. The child learns to endure devaluation and idealisation with equanimity and adapt to the narcissist's world view. The child, in short, becomes the ultimate extension. This is what we call an "inverted narcissist".

The child-turned-adult keeps looking for narcissists in order to feel whole, alive and wanted. He craves to be treated by a narcissist narcissistically. What others call abuse is, to him or her, familiar territory and constitutes Narcissistic Supply

One tragedy affecting these people is their inability to love. Healthy interpersonal relationships can be recognised by qualities such as empathy and concern for the feelings of others, a genuine interest in the ideas of others.

Thus, this type of narcissist might surprisingly react violently or wrathfully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a reward, a compliment, a proposition, or a sexual advance.

...When she believes that she failed (and she always entertains this belief), that she is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for nothing half-baked creature.


I wasnt even a narcisst, so ######6 damaged. Thats why I dont want to meet the girl in love with me. Mommy taught me well. That I cant be loved.
link to the site. https://www.healthyplace.com/personalit ... narcissist

(moved to other thread, where its more apropriate, big sry)