How I Try to Cope

A thread was started some time back that seemed to deal with "getting better" in ones narcissism/NPD. I think it was started by mark1958, but having looked and looked, I can't seem to find it. Maybe it was another thread that just included this question. Maybe I'm having a false memory. But I remember intending to try to answer it, which I'm doing now.

One of my main anxieties is from my gerascophobia. Somatic narcissism is an integral part of that mental and emotional dynamic. (Although I can't deny vanity is a part of somatic narcissism, I think it's a lot more complex and nuanced than vanity.)

I fear this transition.

Bernie Sanders
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sElz_P6QsZo&t=240s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCrIYhBALvU

And this one...

David Cassidy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAXFkUaQoAs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6LkRSlZEC4

When I'm not in a state of delusional denial, I despair that I've probably already entered this one.

Sananda Francesco Maitreya/Clarence Trent-D'arby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7npOgkj8NOM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvQQNId3iM8&t=315s

Why do I fear this? Why shouldn't I? Many people my age, and much younger, do. Thousands of people get face lifts, hair transplants, take anti-aging supplements, use creams, work out and exercise. I'm not the only one with looks insecurities. But somehow, I feel my anxiety about aging is much worse than most people my age who have it. Much more obsessive. Much more intense. Much more tenacious. Much more painful. (Is this perception itself just more narcissism? I don't know.)

Sometimes, through any number of triggers, I will wander into an intense state of anxiety about this that involves painful nostalgia, piercing sadness, despair, panic, a crushing sense of loss and futility, just to name some of the motions. This is when it's at its worst.

All these young men, on a beautiful morning, are old men now. That realization has put me great pain, many times.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBmBAUvEEHs

No. I cannot explain or justify why. It just is.

What am I doing about it?

I'm trying to visualize myself as I am, and as I will be, and accept that physical self-image, to live with it day to day. This is much easier said than done, but I am trying to chip away at it as often as I can.

I read books and stories, watch movies and television episodes, and listen to music that deal with gerascophobia and the longing for eternal youth. Sometimes this may intensify it, but in the long run, I think it helps me. It separates "me" from the "theme", and knowing countless others have struggled with this issue, makes me feel a little better, takes the edge off my angst about it.

I explore philosophy that I suspect might help me, mainly existentialism in the broader sense (not so much Sartre and Camus, who say little to me about what I'm feeling.) In this exploration I've encountered such potential useful concepts and theories as:

qualia
existential depression
melancholy
sensucht
existential anxiety

Another major anxiety stems from my schizoidism.

I have siblings and family and "friends" (people who count me as a friend, for whatever reason, I often don't quite understand.)

Sooner or later, they will get sick and die. Displaying "normal" empathy toward them is excruciatingly awkward. I don't feel the right emotions at the right time. I usually have little emotion and flat effect, and when I try to show empathy, and worse, "affection", I have a big fear it will come off as horribly fake. I DO have emotions, intense and colorful, but they're mostly private, and I even sporadic feelings of empathy, but they come to me out of the blue, never at the right time or situation. They usually only come to me when I'm alone, coming as "pangs", that pass quickly. This general lack of emotion, empathy and affection, this coldness, often makes me feel guilty, and paradoxically privately empathetic. Trying to express or feel these emotions at the appropriate time, makes me feel very inauthentic, and to me, inauthenticity is a very awkward and unpleasant feeling.

Anxiety about this is always with me, even if just beneath the surface of my consciousness.

I'm not sure how I plan to cope with this one. Just try to be "nice"? For now, that's all I can think of.

Might not be your cup of tea, but in a way the topic of the fear of aging was touched on in that Destruction Of Time piece I posted a while ago. Maybe its an interesting addition to your reading.

Googling, I get some images of an old Dr. Who episode. Is that it? I've never watched Dr. Who or really been intrigued by it, but maybe I'll take a look. But my impression is that it's mostly parody, and that's not really what I'm interested in.

You mentioned nostalgia. Is it connected to the good old times when you were, for example, a child? Sometimes I am very sad because of the fact that I can't go back in time just to re-experience my happy childhood.

Are you referring to this, Akuma? It's a long read, btw.

https://www.sakkyndig.com/psykologi/art ... rg2008.pdf

realityhere wrote:Are you referring to this, Akuma? It's a long read, btw.

https://www.sakkyndig.com/psykologi/art ... rg2008.pdf

Thanks. I'll print that out and read it. It looks a bit dry and wordy, but maybe I'll glean something from it.

kaloya123 wrote:You mentioned nostalgia. Is it connected to the good old times when you were, for example, a child? Sometimes I am very sad because of the fact that I can't go back in time just to re-experience my happy childhood.

I'm thinking more 13 to 30, and what I miss isn't so much what was, but what could have been. My adolescence and 20's were pretty much a dud, and I have to take a lot of responsibility for that.

The effective tone, or tones, of my gerascophobia is too hard to sum up in a few words, and I didn't want to barrage the readers of this thread trying to describe it. I've tried putting it into words in multiple posts throughout this forum and my blog, trying to convey the emotional and mental processes involved. (Straight academic psychology doesn't seem to capture the subtleties or nuances of it, but it's possible I'm just not understanding their language...)

Here's a post that captures at least an aspect of it. It's a middle paragraph, about my lawn service:

schizoid-personality/topic177585-20.html?hilit=fine%20young%20man#p1852109

realityhere wrote:Are you referring to this, Akuma? It's a long read, btw.

https://www.sakkyndig.com/psykologi/art ... rg2008.pdf

That was it, yes.

I think theres a connection tho - if you feel liek there was something you could only do while you were so-and-so-old and that you cant do now anymore, it seems feasible to wonder if you couldnt do it back then because of the same reason you can't do it now - same fear, different wrapping so to speak. I share this problem, and I remember that I had this too old too old mantra already while in my 20s, its a ######6 disaster. But I suppose I will stumble over it naturally in my therapy in the next years.

heracles, I wish you could appreciate what an amazing communicator you are. When I complimented you, previously, I recall your saying you held a lot back but what you do reveal is so worth reading. You should be a writer (it's never too late). I heard an interview with a writer, yesterday, who is OCD and he put that to use professionally. I can't recall his name but one book he's written is called "Turtles All the Way Down".

You are right that lots of people obsess about aging. They may not agonize over their own obsession (that's the PD part) like you do but they obsess, nevertheless. My God, youth and beauty is an industry that brings in billions of dollars annually. Western culture is steeped in worshiping and selling youthfulness and anyone exposed to media (in any form) gets a steady brainwashing about it. It's not so weird that you mourn a lost youth, imho, but how you think about yourself mourning a lost youth. As though hating growing older isn't difficult enough, you keenly observe yourself hating growing older which makes it worse.

I don't mean to minimize this phobia. It's obviously extreme and causes you more pain than most people. I just see commonalities with other humans. As long as there's not a damn thing you can do about getting older, the only thing you can do is take steps to look better. That can be anything from plastic surgery to facial peels to dying your hair. May as well look good and those things can make a huge difference, as I'm sure you know. None of that helps the schizoid stuff, though, I know.

Sigh... we're spiritual beings in a physical realm which is subject to decay. The attachment to the physical is powerful to the point of being delusional. It's a bitch.

BTW, that link to where you talked about your lawn care guy persona: you said you enjoy it. How does that square with the schizoid who doesn't like being around people? If you enjoy the lawn care guy persona - even though he's perpetually youthful - age doesn't have to end that personality. Maybe you could alter the script in which he exists - after all, you're the author of it.