Depth and Meaning

I was struggling to think of how to say what I mean to say so bear with me...

Valentine's Day is approaching and naturally my ex came to mind. I believe my ex has NPD and have many, many, many, (did I say many?) reasons to believe it to be true.

He has this interesting (to put it nicely) way of doing things. He took me to a certain restaurant on Valentine's Days. I later learned that he took the ex before me to the same place. And then when we broke up he took the new person to the same place.

I also later learned that a pair of glasses he got me was worn by his ex before me, and the ex before that.

Now honestly at this point I don't care enough to sit here and be judgemental or try to analyze things. But I'm curious about how this might relate to NPD.



I see these things (Valentine's day, the restaurant, the glasses) as having a depth and meaning to them. My understanding from talking with some of you (and I believe there was even a topic on something similar to this) is that he likely never had any attachment to these scenarios or really any deep attachment to me.

But as a non it's very weird that he recycles things like this, especially things that normally would have meaning to most people.

So I guess what I'm wondering is, do you have a richness, a depth, a meaning to things in your life? Is it that the things that you do have that richness for are just very particular things and people? Or do you find that generally your experience of life is lacking in depth and meaning?

This really sounds like something I would do if I even got gifts for the people I dated in the first place (I don't). I have, however, had a tendency to do things like take guys to the same places as I would go with exes. Because I don't live alone, I also have a place I take guys to have sex.

As far as things holding meaning, that isn't really a thing for me. I've never been especially sentimental. I mean, something like my iPhone 7 is important to me because I need my phone and it also happens to be nice, but things really don't hold emotional or sentimental value to me. I'm not that deep.

I have the complete opposite experience.

I don't think material things have a meaning for him, and he wasn't that good with presents, but he did connect music, bends, songs, poetry and art with me. I am aware it has much more to do with how he felt at the time being with me that it does with me, but still, I am certain all these things hold a sentimental value to him.

I can be sentimental about objects, but not enough to re-gift them to new romantic interests over and over again.

I could see taking somebody to the same place as I took the ex and will take a future date, if I really like a place guess what, I'm going to go there a lot.

-- Mon Feb 13, 2017 8:53 am --

I got the impression from your ex's behavior that he's acting like a creature of habit and ritualizing certain things. Seems almost obsessive compulsive of him to do this over and over again, like if he does things just so then they will work out in a certain way and he feels in control of the situation.

Did you confront him? Did you ask him ?i am curious to see what he will say.
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It depends on the person's personality i think, it doesn't go with the disorder. One I knew seemed to have rich inner world together with the superficiality of grandiosity . I think this is why he could manipulate me.
The other I knew was completely superficial.
The problem with npd is that the treat people on a completely egotistical way ,even if they love you. It will always be about them. How them to be loved and not you. In such great way you could even believe they love you.

(Well theoretically if you are superficial, is an expensive object,why throw it away?
If you are mean also you enjoy the idea of ex girlfriends are unimportant.
Maybe above is more right also)

lolidk wrote:This really sounds like something I would do if I even got gifts for the people I dated in the first place (I don't). I have, however, had a tendency to do things like take guys to the same places as I would go with exes. Because I don't live alone, I also have a place I take guys to have sex.

I think it's fairly normal to go to some of the same old places with new partners. And I wouldn't find it too weird that someone is having sex with people in the same places.

What strikes me about him is that he takes a "special" place on a "special" day and recycles it.

Shanzik wrote:I have the complete opposite experience.

I don't think material things have a meaning for him, and he wasn't that good with presents, but he did connect music, bends, songs, poetry and art with me. I am aware it has much more to do with how he felt at the time being with me that it does with me, but still, I am certain all these things hold a sentimental value to him.

My ex was horrible at giving presents. My ex had favorite songs. And the lyrics of those songs interestingly point towards the experience of someone with NPD feeling empathy. But even in relation to those I don't think there was a "depth" there. Correct me if I'm wrong here pwNPD, but I feel like generally it's easier for you to fake depth and get people to believe that then actually experience it.

Jasmer wrote:I can be sentimental about objects, but not enough to re-gift them to new romantic interests over and over again.

Interesting. My interpretation was that he regifted them because he was notsentimental about them.

Jasmer wrote:I could see taking somebody to the same place as I took the ex and will take a future date, if I really like a place guess what, I'm going to go there a lot.

Makes sense. I do see it as insensitive but I understand the logic.

Jasmer wrote:I got the impression from your ex's behavior that he's acting like a creature of habit and ritualizing certain things. Seems almost obsessive compulsive of him to do this over and over again, like if he does things just so then they will work out in a certain way and he feels in control of the situation.

I felt that way too when I originally discovered that he was literally repeating things over and over again with love interests. But after mulling it over for quite some time now (probably about a year) I don't even know that it's that complicated. I see it as him having no attachment to the objects/places and so not having any realization that other people may see his recycling them as insensitive. It's just convenient that he happens to have the glasses. Or it's convenient that he knows the restaurant.

whichway wrote:My ex was horrible at giving presents. My ex had favorite songs. And the lyrics of those songs interestingly point towards the experience of someone with NPD feeling empathy. But even in relation to those I don't think there was a "depth" there. Correct me if I'm wrong here pwNPD, but I feel like generally it's easier for you to fake depth and get people to believe that then actually experience it..

All my ex's favorite musicians (probably) have NPD as well, based on the lyrics at least, we both agreed they do. Writers too.

I don't know about other narcissists, but my ex does a lot of art, and it's like he's unable to fake what he's feeling, it's very personal to him, he can only create what he genuinly feels. I honestly don't think he was faking the depth there, sometimes it seemed more real than our relationship.

I saw depth too and I do not know how to explain it when it goes with npd it was the most confusing thing to me. In my personal experience. This is how it was easy to manipulate me.and it didn't seem fake.
Of course there was the grandiosity that is superficial and putting his ego over me.
While in other case I saw more superficiality and lack of inner rich world. But still putting ego above me and believe was better than anyone else. That feature was the same

Oh come on now. I can't be the least sentimental person in a forum full of other narcs. Goddamnit.

I wonder whether your narc has a dismissive/avoidant attachment style. Do his exes look like you? The wearing of the same glasses, the date, etc., feels like what a dismissive-avoidants do in possessing internally an idealised partner/relationship and then devaluing all real partners in comparison. They try to create the idealisation in reality sometimes but it clearly will always fail, meaning they never really have to get close to anybody and can prevent themselves from attaching fully because they pale in comparison. It's a pretty way to avoid intimacy.

-- Tue Feb 14, 2017 7:31 am --

Responding more fully to the thread, I have an acute aesthetic appreciation and can recreate striving for an isolated, intensified expression of that but it's not born out of nostalgia or sentimentality. It's about realising archetypes, pure forms and the essence of things, stripped from noise. I think it's related to schiziodism (probably a made up word).

How you describe the repeated fixation on places and objects feels much more like an romanticisation of something experienced, meaning we have Experience -> Internalisation -> Idealisation -> Attempt to realise. It's strange process!