Best way to disengage?

Hi everyone,

I have been recently in a relationship with someone I suspect to be a NPD. Although I myself probably have BDP + some NPD traits as well I am not having the "typical" hate/love" feelings towards him (or myself) anymore.

No victim, no bully in my mental picture of the situation but I finally realized that we are not good match as we keep triggering each other, and that there is no "real love" in all this.
I tried to breakup the relationship several times, but he keeps trying coming back with different techniques that I consider manipulative, from silent treatment, to hoovering, gaslighting, a nice mix of everything! I am not sensitive to those, having been abused in past relationships, and having been sometimes an abuser myself. I learnt my lessons.

I (kind of) understand what is going on with him, what motivates him (definitively not real love for me , and I tried to let him go with compassion and love, I secretly hope he meets a new girl that will give him what he craves for, but he keeps coming back / giving me silent treatment.

Although he has never shown anything that would justify it, I am a bit scared of being stalked or him being enraged if I simply ignore him. I don't want to hurt him (/his Ego) but I need to protect myself and move on from this now, we are definitively not at the same stage of understanding of all this (although he tries hard to be "a better person").

Ideally, I would like us to be friends in some future and help each other accepting and identifying our flaws. If not, I would just like to create minimum damages for both of us and disengage for good, with respect for the human beings we are. I just want to be happy, to keep growing and (trying) to be better, and I want the same for him as well.

What do you think is the best way to do, besides just ignoring him or showing compassion and understanding (that did not work)?

Seems to be you can communicate your reasons clearly and in a respectful and likeable tone. Why not just do that? Maybe him write a letter or something.

Hi Akuma, thanks for replying and showing interest to my questions !
I did send him a letter that confirmed (once again) my decision to stop the relationship for good, and I wished him the best as well. I included this letter although not too emotional, by letting him know how I still feel for him as a person, and that I make a clear distinction between the feelings and respect I have for him, and the fact that we are unhealthy for each other and should stop trying now. I asked him to keep me updated about his life plans if he was willing to.

As an answer, I got a (brutal for me) silence for a week...
Not knowing / being able to respond is ok, but letting me in the dark like this without notice was a bit painful for me, and I believe it was a way for him to get control back after my (very-soft) rejection. After the initial hurt (Ego), I accepted the situation and thought it is maybe for the best. After all I am breaking up so there will come a moment we won't be in touch at all.
That's when he sent me a text, super random, asking how I was doing, that he is sorry he did not respond, that he misses me and would like to call / see each other (which I am not ready to yet, I am still in love for him and trying to move on).

That's when I wrote to you guys on this forum to get some advices (so that was yesterday).

I replied today with a very neutral but still kind message, saying that there is no need anymore to respond to the letter, we should look forward, that I am good and I hope him too. Did not comment on calling / meeting. This message is like 4 lines.

And I got back then a very very very long message. Beautiful message, stating in short that he loves me, that he accepts the breakup and understands now it was necessary but that he misses me, is afraid to loose me (sic!). He also asks again to meet or at least talk.

I don't want to reject him once again because I don't want to create a narcissic injury in him, and also my feelings are still very strong, it is hard for me to do it again and again.
He is such a smart person, very self-reflected and although we never put the "N" word, I know he is aware of his strong traits and he wants to be happier therefore better.
At the same time this is not love, this is him afraid of loosing his currently-highly-valued supply, and as much as I am willing to provide it to him, I need to protect myself and stop sacrificing too.
I also totally don't trust him & his feelings, and I suspect that he is trying to make sure I remain in his harem for later use, or that he is preparing some revenge for daring breaking up. It is a very strange feeling, to be so scared of someone you think you are in love with.

He has never been violent nor aggressive. But he lied, emotionally cheated, and discarded my feelings several times though. I also know for fact that he has other girls waiting on the line and that I don't standup from this "audience" although he says he loves me so much. I never confronted him about that, there is no need, I don't think he would hear and this belongs to him to work on that if he wants to.
I also don't want to create a fight / resentment in between us, because I learnt so much about myself and we have a strong intellectual connection too. I value him a lot even knowing his "dark sides", I just want to protect myself from suffering because of my own issues, it is not good for me to keep loving me.

I don't know what to do. I keep contact I take the risk to loose myself again, I shut the door and I have to deal with my guilt and sadness of hurting/letting go out of my life someone that is truly great.
Thing is I believe that it is not because a relationship does not work in one form (being a couple), that people need to cut off all contacts. This happens mostly in drama breakup which I am trying to avoid.

I wish he would see it by himself instead of searching so much for validation outside... maybe he would love me for real then But things are what they are.

Really don't know what to tell him now... This is so frustrating

Obviously cant tell you what to do, but in similar situations I always aborted contact. Simply because I belong to the group of people that cant switch from love -> friendship. I'm a black/white person after all . So as I told another forist here a bit ago, I wouldnt think so much about if its a good or a bad thing, or if looks like a drama, but about what is better and ultimately easier for you. If you break up and then get messages and then feel guilty etc. I would guess this can go on for a while.

Thanks Akuma for your advice, I guess you're right, it is just always tough to do such when "in the heat" dealing with the separation anxiety, but yes it could go on for long like that otherwise...

Let time work its way. Or better find someone equal or better them him - helps very much

Either make him feel secure, like he hasn't lost your infatuation, or remain distant but kind so he loses hope. Either way, he'll gradually stop pursuing you. Is he actually a vengeful person, or intensely spiteful? If so, then it's reasonable to be scared, but if he isn't, you could just be creating false scenarios in your head. You could agree to meet up, and then cancel because "something came up" (but you have to make it believable because he's smart).

Hi everyone,

I have been browsing recently the forum, again, about the same person, again, and so thought I would post an update and share a bit, after all, it could be insightful for some people.
Akuma I saw you are still pretty active, and you gave me good advice when I started this thread so this update is for you as well

So, here I am, browsing this forum (again) after my ex (again) reentered my life (again). It has been two years now and it is extremely shocking for me to re-read all this and realize that at the end nothing / not much has changed.

So I initially wrote this message in July 2016, after what I went no contact until December 2016 when he wrote me again. He was very depressed. I initially did not respond, but reading how bad he was, I felt guilty (again , resumed contact (again) and went no-contact (again) after some shady thing he did I don't remember to be honest.

June 2017: Fast forward 6 months later (patterns, patterns...) he writes for my birthday, I say thank you. I was in a relationship with someone that did not spark my light (of course...), and the old feelings came back so I broke up with my partner and we resumed talking. We both went crazy to the point of making plans to move together within a month (we live in separate continents). He moved out to a bigger flat so I can join him, but then again, something "trivial but-not-for-me" happened, which gave me a wake-up call and suddenly all the forgotten bad memories came back. So I did not take that flight, stopped it again. NC, everything.... again.

December 2018: he is back... Love letters, life without you sucks...etc... I don't respond.
January 2018: he writes again, worried that something happened to me. Of course, I usually always respond, even just to say I don't want any interaction anymore ("smart", I know).
April 2018: we're talking again. And this time it's me that went to him. I felt guilty (again) for cutting him out of my life, and also I am going through a down period that makes me think we're both as ###$ up so let's just be ###$ up together then.

I know pretty much what is going to happen with this new contact, and I see how this is never ending story.


For once I am not really looking for advice here, just would like to share this:

- to you the "Non", the "BPD", the "codependent" or whatever else I am telling you this: you are AS MUCH responsible for your misery than the Narc is. Take responsibility for your life NOW, you've lost enough time. It is no one else's responsibility than yours to give love and respect to yourself. If you don't you will be in the exact same situation in a couple of years.

- to you the "Narc", the "NPD", the overt, the covert, or whatever else: sure it is comforting and satisfying to feel responsible for people's actions and emotions. It is indeed extremely satisfactory to feel that you have power over another human life, to feel that you matter so much to someone and ahah! no need even to give back really. No accountability to have, they'll come back anyway if you put appropriate work in it. But hey, it will be two years lost as well. It will be depression coming your way, it will low self-esteem in the privacy of your intimacy, it will ultimately be women that only wanted to take care of you to look at you with pity. It will break you, because you will never know if you can be loved really for who you are. You will never know if they are still here because you're manipulating them, because they are weak, or because they did really loved you, or at least the "hurting" part of you.

Anyway good luck to everybody, thanks to the people that helped two years ago, the nons, the PD so-what and so-what not. At the end, we're all the same. Just humans struggling with our conditions and trying to feel better. Just try to keep in mind that the immediate pleasure / satisfaction often conflicts with our best long-term interest, no matter which side of the fence of you are.

Wish you all the best. Keep strong.