Is There Ever an "A Ha!" Moment To Help Make You Aware?!

For those of you who are self aware enough to know you're NPD & are actively trying to treat yourselves & people better? Did you ever have an "omg, THAT'S how people see me?!" moment that helped you realize you needed to work on it, or did you come to it on your own?

I'm a writer. I write professionally. I have a blog. I write about my life. It's very successful. I'm kind of proud of how my little project went from just my ex reading it to a followers list of 1200 people. Well, I knew he read it, so I was editing the content to avoid causing him narcissistic injury...until last week. He had previously given me permission to write about our relationship, and him. He said it was the most special thing I had ever done for him. Then when he discarded me, told me he HATED it. It affected his leisure time (I later found out his parents had told him if he went ahead and married me as he planned, it could affect his grandmother's health, as she had just recovered from a near fatal illness & if he ever married, his grandmother could die. I'm sure he's an NPD/BPD product of NPD parents. They're mad that he moved where they can't control him & keep doing things to reclaim control like this). But I decided not to let him control me after leaving my life, so I wrote about how the demise of the relationship, along with being robbed a few weeks later had affected my faith in people. But then a lot of good people showed me otherwise & I'm once again my happy go lucky self. I didn't care what he read anymore. I wanted my life back. Between the cyberstalking & the weekly camp outs in front of my house (some of you have told me this is a sign that he sees this as a break, and he's not done with me yet) & I wanted to once again feel like I controlled my own content. It was well received, although my friends said I could have been meaner, as I said I still defend him to them, and I believe he's a good man who makes bad choices sometimes.

But I have web security, so I know who does what. I've been ignoring it & a friend has been looking at it. But he told me how I got weird traffic last night. Not only did he read & re read this column where I talked about what happened (& my feelings afterward & how I'm coping) for hours, but he read the articles I linked that my friends kept sending me trying to prove that he's emotionally abusive (I thought it was funny that my email was filling with these self help journals).

Did I just open up wrath because I didn't paint him favourably for the first time in four years? Should I be worried about retaliation? Most of my readers commented that I was far more understanding than they would have been so I'm hoping I was more neutral. I'm not about bashing people, more about how experiences good and bad helped me grow. I always found it weird that I was okay writing about my divorce, but not the breakups/reconciliations, etc. I thought maybe if I started, I could continue to heal.

But mostly, the background story is just that. I don't think I'm nearly talented enough to make someone change. I'm curious if those of you who are self aware & genuinely trying to treat people better made a conscious choice, or was there a moment where you were forced to look at your behaviour from a friend or family member & it made you realize that's not the type of person you wanted to be?

I hope I'm not offending anyone. I'm only asking because I genuinely want to understand.

Editorgirl2617 wrote:Did you ever have an "omg, THAT'S how people see me?!" moment that helped you realize you needed to work on it, or did you come to it on your own?

I still get those from time to time.

Editorgirl2617 wrote:was there a moment where you were forced to look at your behaviour & it made you realize that's not the type of person you wanted to be?

My relationship with my ex, towards the end when I realized I was very abusive. It's the primary reason I broke up with him.

Editorgirl2617 wrote:Did I just open up wrath because I didn't paint him favourably for the first time in four years? Should I be worried about retaliation?

I don't know. What's the worst he can do, though? Drive by your house slowly and glare at you disapprovingly?

Editorgirl2617 wrote:I'm curious if those of you who are self aware & genuinely trying to treat people better made a conscious choice, or was there a moment where you were forced to look at your behaviour & it made you realize that's not the type of person you wanted to be?

It's a lot of both, really. Over the years people have been hinting at NPD, a few have told me they think I'm a sociopath. I've had quiz links sent my way, jokes-but-not-really about my narcissism, arrogance, and exploitativeness, etc.

The scenario you describe would probably have been a wake-up call for me, but it isn't for a lot of other people.

Jasmer wrote:

Editorgirl2617 wrote:Did you ever have an "omg, THAT'S how people see me?!" moment that helped you realize you needed to work on it, or did you come to it on your own?

I still get those from time to time.

Editorgirl2617 wrote:was there a moment where you were forced to look at your behaviour & it made you realize that's not the type of person you wanted to be?

My relationship with my ex, towards the end when I realized I was very abusive. It's the primary reason I broke up with him.

Editorgirl2617 wrote:Did I just open up wrath because I didn't paint him favourably for the first time in four years? Should I be worried about retaliation?

I don't know. What's the worst he can do, though? Drive by your house slowly and glare at you disapprovingly?

Editorgirl2617 wrote:I'm curious if those of you who are self aware & genuinely trying to treat people better made a conscious choice, or was there a moment where you were forced to look at your behaviour & it made you realize that's not the type of person you wanted to be?

It's a lot of both, really. Over the years people have been hinting at NPD, a few have told me they think I'm a sociopath. I've had quiz links sent my way, jokes-but-not-really about my narcissism, arrogance, and exploitativeness, etc.

The scenario you describe would probably have been a wake-up call for me, but it isn't for a lot of other people.

He's stalked me in the past. Followed me to movie theatres, invented new email addresses, refused to take no for an answer. When I moved here & we were in the same city & I didn't know, he used my Twitter to track my whereabouts, camped out in front of my hotel, called me from a pay phone & left voicemails. Then he promises he'll change, he loves me so much & he won't hurt me anymore, can't live without me, etc. He admits he reads my blog to see if I still love him or if I hate him because he couldn't bear to think I could do anything but love him. He gets obsessive sometimes. I try to understand, but sometimes it terrifies me.

But thank you for your answer. I find your comments really helpful in understanding and moving forward.

I could repeat almost everything that Jasmer said.

Funny, I think we came to awareness in a very same way with Jasmer. To me it was also my ex, my abusive behavior towards the end of a relationship. And, as I mentioned in one other thread, I also ended that relationship for the very same reasons. Although whereas for me it's very new, Jasmer seems to be very self-aware for a long time now.

As for your ex, Editorgirl - that would definitely be an A-Ha moment for me, especially if he kept reading for hours. My ex did a similar thing - not via blog, just while talking, he sent all the links to me etc. But then, it depends on a person - he might seriosuly think about it for a few weeks and then dismiss it, forget about it, get back to his old ways.... until something really drastic happens in his life which would probably remind him about your blog.

As for retaliation - I can hold grudges for years. Again, I mentioned it in one other thread - I am dealing with one such particular rage at the moment. It can take years for me, I can be very patient with my rage, but the only reason I am that patient is that I know that one day I will do something. It can wait, but not be forgotten. (And I know how sick it sounds! unfortunately, self-awareness, that is, awareness of the fact that this is not healthy, does not help; those feelings/need for revenge are still there.)

BUT I think that what you did, Editorgirl, wouldn't bring me to such a state.

My ex did a similar thing, I am not angry at him at all. He is the sweatest person, I was the one who was mean, I can owe it. He called me f*cked up, he was even threatening me with a revenge (which I know he would never exact, but still) and I can understand all of that.

Although there is a difference - anyone can read a blog and if people know that you are writing about him, he's exposed. With my ex it was a private conversation...

My reaction to what you did - especially if was not really done with you - would be a withdrawal, silent treatment, because I wouldn't know how to cope with such a criticism. In case of a stalkerish person it can be a silent treatment combined with stalking. (you are aware that he is probably stalking you much more than you know? I think you don't even know a half of things he is doing). It can take a while until he will either forget about you or try to re-open communication.

I would be freeking out too, if someone was stalking me like that...

I could write a long thread.... but will edit it to the basics.
Don't write about your ex or partners in a blog if you (and therefore them) are identifiable to others.
If the blog is cowritten "Bob and Mary's Blog", maybe, but still have to be careful of too much disclosure.
I can't think of ANYONE who would want their ex (or even current partner) airing the dirty laundry publicly for all and sundry to read. Maybe its time to edit this guy out of your blog at the very least if you can't edit him out of your life. Writing about him is also "not letting go" and it is encouraging him to read your stuff. It is about HIM after all. Who wouldn't want to see the latest juicy gossip when its about them?
The other stuff, well, if someone is camped outside, either send them away with a warning of police, get police if continue or invite them in if you are still lusting after them.

easyfromhere wrote:I could write a long thread.... but will edit it to the basics.
Don't write about your ex or partners in a blog if you (and therefore them) are identifiable to others.
If the blog is cowritten "Bob and Mary's Blog", maybe, but still have to be careful of too much disclosure.
I can't think of ANYONE who would want their ex (or even current partner) airing the dirty laundry publicly for all and sundry to read. Maybe its time to edit this guy out of your blog at the very least if you can't edit him out of your life. Writing about him is also "not letting go" and it is encouraging him to read your stuff. It is about HIM after all. Who wouldn't want to see the latest juicy gossip when its about them?
The other stuff, well, if someone is camped outside, either send them away with a warning of police, get police if continue or invite them in if you are still lusting after them.

See, most of my inner circle doesn't read my blog. Only my best friend (who knows everything) and him. My readers are all strangers. Everyone in my life, including me, has a pseudonym. My kids are only mentioned briefly and have no pictures.

I felt like I was being dishonest. I write about my life, but not this one particular thing. And I'm not out vilifying, it's more "this thing happened & here's how I'm moving forward after learning." I wrote about my divorce and adjustment into single parenting the same way. I felt by not addressing it, after writing that I was in this wonderful relationship that was leading to marriage & it was never references again, it felt like I was hiding or ashamed of the experience. In order to move forward, I needed to stop bottling up the experience & address it. I think he's a good person who makes poor choices sometimes. That's how I addressed his role & how I reacted & the toll it took & how I need to heal from it. I've asked him to leave me alone completely, including my blog, but when I do that he does it more. There's no stopping him when it comes to me & he refuses to leave me alone or speak to me until he's damn good and ready & any attempts I make to get him to leave me alone (full NC, blocked numbers, emails, social media, I even transferred at my job) just = lurk harder in his world, so I decided I can't let him control what I write about anymore.

zuz wrote:I could repeat almost everything that Jasmer said.

Funny, I think we came to awareness in a very same way with Jasmer. To me it was also my ex, my abusive behavior towards the end of a relationship. And, as I mentioned in one other thread, I also ended that relationship for the very same reasons. Although whereas for me it's very new, Jasmer seems to be very self-aware for a long time now.

As for your ex, Editorgirl - that would definitely be an A-Ha moment for me, especially if he kept reading for hours. My ex did a similar thing - not via blog, just while talking, he sent all the links to me etc. But then, it depends on a person - he might seriosuly think about it for a few weeks and then dismiss it, forget about it, get back to his old ways.... until something really drastic happens in his life which would probably remind him about your blog.

As for retaliation - I can hold grudges for years. Again, I mentioned it in one other thread - I am dealing with one such particular rage at the moment. It can take years for me, I can be very patient with my rage, but the only reason I am that patient is that I know that one day I will do something. It can wait, but not be forgotten. (And I know how sick it sounds! unfortunately, self-awareness, that is, awareness of the fact that this is not healthy, does not help; those feelings/need for revenge are still there.)

BUT I think that what you did, Editorgirl, wouldn't bring me to such a state.

My ex did a similar thing, I am not angry at him at all. He is the sweatest person, I was the one who was mean, I can owe it. He called me f*cked up, he was even threatening me with a revenge (which I know he would never exact, but still) and I can understand all of that.

Although there is a difference - anyone can read a blog and if people know that you are writing about him, he's exposed. With my ex it was a private conversation...

My reaction to what you did - especially if was not really done with you - would be a withdrawal, silent treatment, because I wouldn't know how to cope with such a criticism. In case of a stalkerish person it can be a silent treatment combined with stalking. (you are aware that he is probably stalking you much more than you know? I think you don't even know a half of things he is doing). It can take a while until he will either forget about you or try to re-open communication.

I would be freeking out too, if someone was stalking me like that...

Well, he's still giving me ST from January. Just being all cyber stalkery & lurking outside my house sometimes. I've called the cops, but to get a no contact order, he'd be barred from his own workplace (I'm a contracted vendor that can work in his building) and he's got a kid to support and since I know he'd never hurt me physically, I'm not prepared to cost him his job. I'd feel awful.

You really think he's doing more? Like what?

I just assume that in such cases only a very small part of truth emerges. Like with a cheating husband - wife finds out about 2 lovers, while the truth is there were 30.

Usually it's quite difficult to put a finger on stalking. The fact that you know anything at all already shows that he is a very invested/obsessed stalker (unless he is just a not very smart stalker who doesn't know how to hide his actions). I don't know what else he might be doing, it depends on your situation. Keeping tabs on you by proxy (asking other people about you), google searching everything and anything about you/what is related to you, hacking your computer.

I was dealing with some stalkers in my past, one of them wouldn't leave me alone for years and he really did everything that you could think of - from threatening my new boyfriends, trying to get me suspended from school (I was at high school then) to physical violence.

zuz wrote:I just assume that in such cases only a very small part of truth emerges. Like with a cheating husband - wife finds out about 2 lovers, while the truth is there were 30.

Usually it's quite difficult to put a finger on stalking. The fact that you know anything at all already shows that he is a very invested/obsessed stalker (unless he is just a not very smart stalker who doesn't know how to hide his actions). I don't know what else he might be doing, it depends on your situation. Keeping tabs on you by proxy (asking other people about you), google searching everything and anything about you/what is related to you, hacking your computer.

I was dealing with some stalkers in my past, one of them wouldn't leave me alone for years and he really did everything that you could think of - from threatening my new boyfriends, trying to get me suspended from school (I was at high school then) to physical violence.

The cyberstalking he knows I know about. He helped me set up my web security, tag his phone & computer. It's like he wants me to know so I'll keep on waiting for him and when he decides he wants to talk, I'll just be there. I don't want that anymore.

The only reason I know about the car is my kids know his plate number & they see him in the neighbourhood. So, no, he's not smart. But it's all very weird to me. Like, why would you obsess over me but when I ask to talk, refuse? When we were together, I was his conscience he said. My loving him would make him change his selfish & nasty ways & through me, he'd be a good person. I would make him good. But when I'd challenge this, and say that I can't make him change, he has to want to change, he'd get defensive & accuse me of not having faith in him. But once he spent time with his family, he regressed right back to his old, destructive self. Shut me out, binge drinking, destructive behaviour at work, etc.

So I decide to take my life back & write about my life as I used to. I didn't even think about him anymore. But then he started obsessing about it that night. And even though there is no hope for him with me, maybe he'll get help, for himself.

I don't know, that sounds weird to me too. I have never done any such thing to anyone. But I saw similar behaviors with NPD male friend that I know.

Not sure how to explain it. It looks to me like he can't let go, for whatever reason, apparently you were very important to him or maybe you caused a significant NI, but he is not ready to act about it in a way that would be even close to any maturity. I know that narcissists have a reputation for being emotionless, I personally don't agree with that. (but maybe I shouldn't speak for others, because I have BPD issues too.) It looks to me like he is seriously overwhelmed with emotions and doesn't know how to cope. Sometimes it can be also that a narcissist doesn't know how to approach a person who knows how to stand up for herself. He would like to, but he would have to swallow his pride/risk rejection etc. You know better which of those scenarios fit your situation more. Anyway, I think that he will be able to act more normally when his emotions will fade slightly and it all will be more bearable for him. Then my guess is he would either let go for good or try to re-connect more directly (re-open communication or something).

zuz wrote:I don't know, that sounds weird to me too. I have never done any such thing to anyone. But I saw similar behaviors with NPD male friend that I know.

Not sure how to explain it. It looks to me like he can't let go, for whatever reason, apparently you were very important to him or maybe you caused a significant NI, but he is not ready to act about it in a way that would be even close to any maturity. I know that narcissists have a reputation for being emotionless, I personally don't agree with that. (but maybe I shouldn't speak for others, because I have BPD issues too.) It looks to me like he is seriously overwhelmed with emotions and doesn't know how to cope. Sometimes it can be also that a narcissist doesn't know how to approach a person who knows how to stand up for herself. He would like to, but he would have to swallow his pride/risk rejection etc. You know better which of those scenarios fit your situation more. Anyway, I think that he will be able to act more normally when his emotions will fade slightly and it all will be more bearable for him. Then my guess is he would either let go for good or try to re-connect more directly (re-open communication or something).

He's done this for four years. He gets mad at the smallest things (in this case, his boss told him he had heard gossip about our relationship at work & he shut me out), and then wanted to apologize, but he never did. I don't think I caused NI, it was literally a misunderstanding. The story his boss was angry about was me talking to a close friend in the break room about how I had been quite sick & he had been a very supportive partner. I had said I was lucky to have someone who cared so much about me. I didn't think about work gossip, I was just naively talking to a friend about how my boyfriend had been very good to me during a hard time. But when he gets mad, he just sees cold rage. His parents are huge controlling narcs who crippled his brother & him emotionally. They're terrified of them. He once left me because he knew his parents wouldn't approve of him marrying me, as I've been divorced and have kids. This time, it was the fight & his parents told him that his gravely ill grandma might take ill again if he chose to marry me. He's an NPD/BPD raised by narcs who cannot cope with his anger.

But he's literally never let go of his fascination with me. I moved to a new city and he'd drive two hours to find me, but wouldn't talk because he'd have to admit he was wrong. He told my best friend a month ago he needed to apologize, but then made no attempt (not that I've made it easy), which I expected, because he'd have to admit he was wrong & it takes him forever just to admit he was wrong. You guys have been awesome in helping me figure out how to move on, as he wont change, but also that he's not doing this because he's evil. He just doesn't think like I do.