Am I being manipulated?

I see that I dont have any more replies on my post about my father and sister. I thought Id update my situation and see if anyone has any advise/opinions?

My sister and I actually had a good telephone chat the other day, the problem is that I cant fully let my barriers down to her. We spoke about our childhood and how our parents had split and with me staying with my mum and her with dad we had split too which had been painful for both.

She said we had been put against each other and that my dad does love me, but does have issues with me and has wound her up for years saying things about me ' she is so selfish, lazy etc' and she reacts to that. I cried and said how much it hurts when he does this, but we both talked about how his father was controlling and abusive to him (he was an alcoholic and used to hit him) and that my dad had done well not to carry this on, but as he has been affected by his own childhod maybe this is why he is controlling.

Ok, so all of this is said, we discussed why i couldnt have her as bridesmaid, and i say its not too late as she could still do the reading i asked her to do, and her daughter could be flowergril, but she said it would hurt too much and she didnt want to be around me and my cousin for fear of an explosion.

If she can understand my actions ( she said she blew up about not being bridesmaid as she didnt want to accept the reality that i didnt feel as close to her) then why cant she put me first and do the reading etc?

We cant go back now and it would be false to, im getting married in 9 weeks and am worried she will be upset at the wedding.

Am i being maniuplated? When she is like this i feel closer to her and we get on, but i still dont trust her.

What makes it worse is that my fiance is very matter of fact, he said she made choices in her past and has to live with the concequences. I am more emotional, is he being too harsh?

I feel your fiance is right.

Feeling like being manipulated is an internalised emotion. Only the received can allow themselves to be manipulated. Manipulators don't work if they don't have someone who their manipulating ways don't work on. Have a good hard think about that statement - being manipulated can only come from you, no-one else.

Your sister is messing you around and ruining your day. As Rubystar says, and as I've said to you before, if you don't like the way she acts, tell her she's not coming. Let her and your father make their own beds and ruin their own lives without you being a key player.

It sounds like you have a level headed fiance, on this occasion, I'd be listening to him. He's probably feeling pained that you are in confusion and hurt by your family.

Help wrote:What makes it worse is that my fiance is very matter of fact, he said she made choices in her past and has to live with the concequences. I am more emotional, is he being too harsh?

It seems like you are trying to be a concilliator. I do this myself, I try to make everyone happy, all at the same time. The frustration at failing to do the impossible often leads to "emotional" reactions.

As far as being manipulated, I think it may go hand in hand with the concilliator role. If people know you work to please them, they will get you to work to please them (i.e. manipulate you).

Do what you want to do, what feels right to you. My therapist keeps telling me to put myself first. But I find it very hard to break out of the habit of pleasing other people. But this is your wedding, you should figure out what will make you happy.

This is all just so hard to explain -

Do what you want to do, what feels right to you. My therapist keeps telling me to put myself first.

Its like i dont even know what I want. I mean, in an ideal world I would have wanted her to be bridesmaid, would want to be closer to her, but its just all so messed up! Nothing feels right to me. All i know is that something inside me had had enough and i felt that if id have asked then it would be like saying 'is ok to treat me like this'

But i still feel sad at the situation and blame myself. It sounds stupid when i write it down, i mean, i didnt just wake up and decide to not ask her, its becasue of years of history in my family as to why i feel the way i do.

My fiance says i make excuse for their behaviour, but i do understand that my dad is how he is due to his father and my sister because of our parents, its like i fel their pain and feel helpless as i know we all love each other, but some things they do just kill me inside. I remember when we were younger, my sister got drunk and stilll to this day swears that my mums partner hit her. She says she forgives him, but that it caused a huge mistrust for her and our mum as our mother said that he didnt (my sister was drunk and hysterical, trying to get out of the window, he was tryin to restrain her). If this was true then i can understand how hurt she woul have been, but i dont think it was.

Grr, i just feel taken for granted, un important, like i have to bend over backwards not to offend them, have no confidence in how i feel (i say, should i feel like this and that, is that bad etc) but mixed with feeling guilty for having these thoughts, helpless to them as its just how i feel and disapointed that i cant seem to chaneg things.

Oh and another thing to get off my chest, my sister has ME - fir enough, but i dont believe her as i feel she uses it so she doesnt have to work - she never has! And I had a car accident years ago and suffer but no one took much notice, infact my dad said it was in my head and there was nothing wrong with me. I dont get it..

Rant over!

Help wrote:I see that I dont have any more replies on my post about my father and sister. I thought Id update my situation and see if anyone has any advise/opinions?

My sister and I actually had a good telephone chat the other day, the problem is that I cant fully let my barriers down to her. We spoke about our childhood and how our parents had split and with me staying with my mum and her with dad we had split too which had been painful for both.

She said we had been put against each other and that my dad does love me, but does have issues with me and has wound her up for years saying things about me \' she is so selfish, lazy etc\' and she reacts to that. I cried and said how much it hurts when he does this, but we both talked about how his father was controlling and abusive to him (he was an alcoholic and used to hit him) and that my dad had done well not to carry this on, but as he has been affected by his own childhod maybe this is why he is controlling.

Ok, so all of this is said, we discussed why i couldnt have her as bridesmaid, and i say its not too late as she could still do the reading i asked her to do, and her daughter could be flowergril, but she said it would hurt too much and she didnt want to be around me and my cousin for fear of an explosion.

If she can understand my actions ( she said she blew up about not being bridesmaid as she didnt want to accept the reality that i didnt feel as close to her) then why cant she put me first and do the reading etc?

We cant go back now and it would be false to, im getting married in 9 weeks and am worried she will be upset at the wedding.

Am i being maniuplated? When she is like this i feel closer to her and we get on, but i still dont trust her.

What makes it worse is that my fiance is very matter of fact, he said she made choices in her past and has to live with the concequences. I am more emotional, is he being too harsh?

She is definitely manipulating you. She just wants to form an emotional connection because she most likely recognizes that you are one of those idiots who will pour his heart and soul out to someone he trusts. She is trying to get your trust.

She is definitely manipulating you. She just wants to form an emotional connection because she most likely recognizes that you are one of those idiots who will pour his heart and soul out to someone he trusts. She is trying to get your trust.

Or maybe she recognises my pain, after all it was me that emailed to say I thought it was important i told her i loved her , she telephoned me as i had confused her, saying we are not close the one min and then telling her i loved her...

Maybe she cant be too close to do a reading as she recognises she could ruin my day by exploding as she feels hurt?

My family split when my parents divorced, my sister lived with my dad and me with my mum, dad over the years has slated me for things and she says it wound her up.

I dont know, am i making excuses? But surely we do things because of our upbringing and things we cant help? She said out family were useless at communicating, Im confusing myself now!

This post is from the wife of toughtobme. Why would let your sister ruin your wedding. The wedding you probably spent a whole year planning. The expense of it. The friends and family you invited. All the little details. Picking out the most perfect dress. You should tell her she is welcome to come and if she does anything disruptive , mean, or anything that will upset you or your guest in any way she will be escorted off the premises immediately. If she doesn't like the rules you set tell her to get lost. If she says "I don't like how you are treating me " you say "how does it feel ,
it sucks doesn't it". You tell her "you are not the boss of me",
if you don't like the way I have arranged things then don't go no one is holding a gun to her head. Good luck.

[/quote]She is definitely manipulating you. She just wants to form an emotional connection because she most likely recognizes that you are one of those idiots who will pour his heart and soul out to someone he trusts. She is trying to get your trust.


I have just come off the phone from my sister, feel all confused an upset again. After our conversation last week I felt that we were getting somewhere, we were talking. I phoned her tonight to say about colours for the wedding etc and she said she would only be coming to my hen meal and not out after, this led me to ask if everything was ok, and here we went again about how rejected she was by me choosing my cousin over her and it was public rejection and how I wanted o have my cake and eat it, I said I hadnt, i explained again how it would have been false to have had her and that I thought we could get through it by talking. She said it was me having what I wanted, having revenge on her for things she has done to me. I said that wasnt true and that i simply couldnt choose her.

She said we couldnt be close as i have rejected her and she wont get over it. I said well that it her choice, she said no it was mine, by me doing this i was choosing not to be close to her..

She said some weird things like I was twisting things and only think of myself and how hurt she was (still saying about how i rejected her when i was 12 by not walking to school with her and now im doing it again)

I am honestly not, all i did was say i couldnt have her as i had accepted the reality of the situation that we were not close, it was not revenge or anything.

I saidshe wasnt going to be bridesmaid, the dress has been ordered etc too late and she said its never too late and i said oh did you think thats what the conversation and me saying i loved you was about? She said yes, she thought i was going to change my mind..

I had to leave it by saying ok we both know where we stand, i understand you are not wanteing to get close to me or over this and i will stop try9ing, if you want to come the weekend its fine..

I dont know what to do with all my feelings and dont want to go back into self blame and guilt, help!