Perspective on situation with friend appreciated

I am in an academic program, and it begins in fall of this year. Last summer, the academic program held a required summer program for all of the accepted students. During the program, I experienced a phenomenon called "love bombing;" basically, I was given many nice compliments, put on a pedestal, etc. by a person with somatic NPD.

I realized what was happening to me (i.e., the love-bombing stage) when I came to learn about the NPD. Shortly thereafter, I read many books including those by Alice Miller, just because I really liked the person and wanted to better understand his experience.

Then after the summer program concluded, I reached out via email to my friend with somatic NPD to keep in touch. We corresponded over email, and it was friendly correspondences. Over the course of this year since last summer, our correspondences have generally been about once per month. They have been initiated by me, and I sometimes do not receive replies; but since I only reach out about once per month, it's not a huge deal. In addition to these email interactions, I have also sent a few gifts to my friend for holidays and special occasions (e.g., Thanksgiving and birthday). They are gifts like food items, books, games he likes, etc. I sent a gift about once a month. Sometimes, he did not respond when I told him I sent him a gift; however, other times, he does. When he did respond, he would always thank me for the gift. In addition, when he did respond, he would sometimes mention something about my nice generosity, wish me well, etc. He would sometimes respond with this alongside encouraging me not to spend energy and money on him, or to donate the money I would spend on him to refugees or people in need. I never replied to those "thank you" emails, because he was my friend, and it wasn't relevant to me about the energy/money/time spent on the gifts.

Here is my present situation and what I would appreciate receiving perspectives on, based on the above background information: recently, I sent an email to my friend. Again, continuing with the "once-a-month" interaction. He responded in what I view as a very out-of-character manner in the context of our past interactions. That is, he said he finds my emails disturbing and the gifts intrusive. I had not even brought up the gifts in this particular email, and the last time I had sent a gift, it was well over a month ago. Then, he said that he feels harassed and creeped out, and ended it with this line that we are classmates, and not anything else, not even friends. I responded to him with an apology for making him feel creeped out and harassed, and left it at that (after crying for about 2 days).

It seems to me like he is cutting off "supply" with me being supply. However, I also have heard that one with somatic NPD would never cut off supply. I appreciate any/all perspectives to explain my friend's behavior in the context of our friendly interactions to this point. Why would he give this impression that even though we have had mutual exchanges over the past 8 months, he is saying he feels harassed and creeped out? We are beginning the program this fall, and I feel sad because he was my friend, and now I feel like some kind of a creeper person.

As a Non, I would be very careful about jumping to conclude that someone you do not know very well, but who reacted in a way that is unpleasant to you, is a pwNPD.

The Disorder should not be so easily dispensed to fit people you do not know well and whose behavior you fail to comprehend - it should be diagnosed by a therapist, or (since many pwNPD will deny that they are disordered in any way) their behavior must fit a long list of very specific and distinctive pattern, over a period of time at a level of personal interaction that is close-up, discerned by a family member, a colleague, an employee, a good friend, a lover, a spouse, people who know the person well and who are flummoxed enough by the out of the ordinary and destructive behavior that they seek clarification through research and thus come upon the term for the Cluster B Disorder.

Moreover, people who are vain, delusional, narcissistic and selfish, etc. may not have NPD until they meet the above criteria.

Your friend might simply be annoyed by these once-a-month gifts, as he might misunderstand your motive, and since you did not really communicate frequently or at length with each other, he might not know how to express his discomfort. His hinting that you should donate to charitable organizations, for example, sounds to me like a subtle way of telling you that he prefers not to receive them. This is how I would tell someone who seems to have an interest in me that I might prefer greater distance.

You might want to simply stay away from him for a while, since this seems to be the message he is sending to you, that he desires more "space". Even though he may be flirtatious in the past, it might not amount to anything serious, and it is better to follow his cue for the level of intimacy that is appropriate. Focus on befriending others instead of him. If he is looking to pursue a closer friendship, let him take the lead.

Until you really know him, and know that his personality reflect all of the traits, it isn't right to diagnose him as a pwNPD. A more fruitful exploration for you may be why were you attracted to him and why did you cry for 2 days over his email? He wasn't a boyfriend or lover, I'd simply and easily shrug it off if someone I know superficially doesn't want to get closer to me.

Thanks Pangloss for this response. I wanted to clarify that a psychiatrist diagnosed my friend with NPD when he was in his early 20s.

I like him because he is my friend, and that is a tremendous thing; he's a really courageous and selfless person. He gives very generously of himself to all with whom he interacts. He's like an inspiring person. I cried because his words stung at that moment in time because he is/was my friend; and, I wouldn't have changed anything I did from my end.

I'm so sorry, Sierra_Jupiter, I misunderstood, I thought he wasn't diagnosed, and I'm wary of mislabeling anyone, as the diagnosis of the disorder is not to be lightly given.

... a few thoughts from my past experiences:

1) I've met men who flirted heavily, as if they were truly smitten, but then withdrew. They subsequently kept their distance which could be puzzling. I found out later that they actually had steady girlfriends, and so it was just fun and not to be taken seriously. Your friend could have may good reasons to want to distance himself from you, and they might not even have any thing to do with you. This is quite likely the scenario.

2) If he is a diagnosed pwNPD, you will be treated better initially and might become a target for devalue and discard later. The closer you try to get to them, the more uncomfortable they feel. They like it best when you hardly know them and the "game" of admiring them, or be impressed and charmed by them, can be played out, i.e. providing NS.

3) Different people have different extent of boundaries, very likely different from yours. You just have to figure it out and respect them, staying at the distance they are most comfortable with, in reciprocity.

To sum up, don't take it personally. pwNPDs are unpredictable by normal standards and mores. They also get irritated and uncomfortable by the show of emotions and tears, it's all for nought. Handle carefully, and I will advise to focus your energy and seek friendships and relationships that resonate at your sentient level, and give up without regrets those that aren't a right fit.

Otoh, I have a stern and matronly Eastern Bloc friend, Katya, also divorced, with tough stories of her own. She's very stiff and speaks in a staccato, blunt manner.."You should do this...", "You must...", etc. but she has a good heart. One day, at the spur of the moment, I decided to give her a good squeeze unexpectedly. She blushed but broke into such a soft, relaxed smile, it was worth risking the violation of the "reciprocity" rule.

Sierra_Juniper wrote:
It seems to me like he is cutting off "supply" with me being supply. However, I also have heard that one with somatic NPD would never cut off supply..

As Narc I can tell… I would ALWAYS cut off supply from ppl I do not want to have it.
I am interested in supply only from ppl I want. It is big difference,

I also understand why he acting that way. He is not responding on your messages , but you keep SPENDING MONEY to send him gifts. You act like he is not your friend but he is your SUPER STAR and you are his FAN.
It is OBVIOUS he is not just a friend for your heart, you hope for more, if possible. If not then at least to be his friend if he let you.
And you sending him gifts to BUY your place next to him. Under the sun.

Sierra_Juniper wrote:I like him because he is my friend.

He's like an inspiring person.

Sound very much like me. I am extimaly inspiring. ppl love to take that energy.

Is he hot?
In which ways do you find him inspiring?

Pangloss wrote:
1) I found out later that they actually had steady girlfriends, and so it was just fun and not to be taken seriously. Your friend could have may good reasons to want to distance himself from you, and they might not even have any thing to do with you. This is quite likely the scenario.

2) If he is a diagnosed pwNPD, you will be treated better initially and might become a target for devalue and discard later.

a) The closer you try to get to them, the more uncomfortable they feel.

b) They like it best when you hardly know them and the "game" of admiring them, or be impressed and charmed by them, can be played out, i.e. providing NS.

3) Different people have different extent of boundaries, very likely different from yours. You just have to figure it out and respect them, staying at the distance they are most comfortable with, in reciprocity.

To sum up, don't take it personally. pwNPDs are unpredictable by normal standards and mores.

4) They also get irritated and uncomfortable by the show of emotions and tears, it's all for nought.

Handle carefully, and I will advise to focus your energy and seek friendships and relationships that resonate at your sentient level, and give up without regrets those that aren't a right fit.

Otoh, I have a stern and matronly Eastern Bloc friend, Katya, also divorced, with tough stories of her own. She's very stiff and speaks in a staccato, blunt manner.."You should do this...", "You must...", etc. but she has a good heart. One day, at the spur of the moment,

5) I decided to give her a good squeeze unexpectedly. She blushed but broke into such a soft, relaxed smile, it was worth risking the violation of the "reciprocity" rule.

1) agree
2) might and MIGHT BE NOT. Depends on the person.
a) not neccesary at all. I do not feel any discomfort if person I WANT TO BE WITH will become closer
b) yes , but in ANY CASE, not only when hardly know us. In the beginning it is easier yes, but after also not as difficult
4) Yes we do not feel much empathy.
But we will enjoy it , huge fountain of emotions and tears from preson WE WANT TO FALL for us.It is interesting.
5) are you man or women? Was sure you r women but now not so sure

lmao who doesnt like FREE gifts (x. I know why he did it. He felt smothered, but I probably wouldve stfu and kept recieving the FREE gifts. A similar situation arose in my life where this girl thinks that I have some romantic connection with her, I just pretended because yanno, FREE sex. But she began to get real clingy, so I cut her off really harshly, like I was suprised at how mean I was. The point is, you were becoming too much of a bother and he needed to make sure you never contacted him again so he had to disconnect with you hard. I wouldve done the same thing...but damn, FREE gifts xD

Pangloss wrote:
If he is a diagnosed pwNPD, you will be treated better initially and might become a target for devalue and discard later. The closer you try to get to them, the more uncomfortable they feel. They like it best when you hardly know them and the "game" of admiring them, or be impressed and charmed by them, can be played out, i.e. providing NS.

This is probably the most important thing to realize about a friendship with a pwNPD. You can never get very close to them, or connect with them on a deeper level. It will have be superficial in a sense. Or a business deal type of relationship. If you don't ask for much, or keep the friendship at "surface" level, things will be fine. (Provide you continue to admire them)

noblejosher wrote:lmao who doesnt like FREE gifts .but damn, FREE gifts xD

Do not worry gifts probably wasnt that good to keep his interest.
Like, toothbrush or souvenir he bored with. If gifts would be more in value he would keep her longer.
Gifts like gift cards minim 100$ . High end office supply like pen with dimonds
If she would send him gift card 1 in year of tires change for the car- she would be his friend yes yes
she just did not pick the gifts correctly.

BTW if someone want to send gifts to me, I will tell which one and where to send. And yes I promise to be highly inspirational.

-- Wed Apr 13, 2016 8:19 am --

Balfazar wrote:. You can never get very close to them, or connect with them on a deeper level.

. Or a business deal type of relationship

. (Provide you continue to admire them)

A) Usually you will not know it and will not feel it. You will think you connected pretty strong way.
b) business type can bring you still happiness. ( i think) You will get want you want. including emotions and love. we can love.
c) yes please but we can give in return who can be better at lovemombing then Narc?
We will make u fly in the sky. and mood for the day