Weird apologies

If a narc avoids apologizing or acknowledging his own actions, but still manages to describe what he should have done using the 3rd person (instead of the first person), does this mean that there's some fom of self-awareness in this person? Why would someone do this?

My ex's classic apology is "I'm sorry if you're feeling...." Of course, this is not an acknowledgement of actual wrong doing.

I'm a co-dependent with narcissistic tendencies. From my point of view, it's kind of a power thing, and it's a communication thing too. I use it at work. When I don't really apologize, but express that I'm sorry about the other person's feelings, it's a way to diffuse. It's a way of looking empathetic when I think the other person's feelings are off-base, but I want to try and keep things calm. It's my way of saying that I don't think I did anything wrong but that I'm not ignoring the other person's feelings.

It's indicative of an acceptance that the other person has feelings, and it's not defensive (a good thing), but it's also not ownership.

My advice, don't micro-analyze this stuff because you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the whys. If you're talking about a man you love, you have to accept or you have to move on. It's the same as any other relationship/friendship.

Not everything is personally directed at you. A great deal of what happens in PD relationships is about self-protection. Does every single one of your behaviors have a clear motive to you? Or is a lot of it reflexive?

Thanx for your explanations

Actually, I was wondering very specifically about this 3rd person thing. It's not about micro-interpreting either. It's about a very serious issue that a friend is dealing with. He's been trying to get a narc to acknowledge something important for several month. Talking about it the way I described is so far the best my friend managed to get in several months, so the issue is far from being solved. It was originally a simple issue from the beginning but months of avoidance have made it a lot more serious than it should have. At some point, someone is going to have to deal with it, politeness or not, micro-interpreting or not.

It's all part of protecting themselves.

Seeing what you "should've" done according to conventional morality and conduct is easy. You'd have to be pretty ignorant or autistic not to.

But that doesn't mean you care. Or maybe this person does care and would like to be different, but is intrinsically incapable of it.

Sanny , why do you post for your friends that much? The restaurant thing was also about a friend trying to deal with a narc...

KingPing wrote:Sanny , why do you post for your friends that much? The restaurant thing was also about a friend trying to deal with a narc...

Yes, it's still the same narc, and still the same friend about the restaurant thing. It's also the narc that I'm about to report. My post here relates to the outcome of the restaurant thing, so it's still the same story with the same characters
My friend was asking me about the situation, but I'm as clueless as him.

-- Thu Mar 03, 2016 6:34 am --

Lusid wrote:Seeing what you "should've" done according to conventional morality and conduct is easy. You'd have to be pretty ignorant or autistic not to.

But that doesn't mean you care. Or maybe this person does care and would like to be different, but is intrinsically incapable of it.

For us, it's not very obvious that he's aware he should have done things differently. Many times in the past, we thought he was just forgetful or genuinely unaware. It's the first time I hear that he acknowledged he should have done things differently, which I thought was an improvement. But as you say maybe he's just known all the time and just tries to avoid having to promise a change in his behaviour.

To be honest, at this stage, it's not really relevant whether he cares or not. I guess the aim was trying to get an apology followed by a change of behaviour, but it doesn't look like things are going in this direction then.

Say I had a friend hypothetically that liked to communicate by hypothesizing about a a third person scenario. It's a way for them to take things to a safe space where they are sure I wouldn't react angrily and they can gauge my reaction without the risk.

sanny wrote:For us, it's not very obvious that he's aware he should have done things differently. Many times in the past, we thought he was just forgetful or genuinely unaware. It's the first time I hear that he acknowledged he should have done things differently, which I thought was an improvement. But as you say maybe he's just known all the time and just tries to avoid having to promise a change in his behaviour.

To be honest, at this stage, it's not really relevant whether he cares or not. I guess the aim was trying to get an apology followed by a change of behaviour, but it doesn't look like things are going in this direction then.

If he's anything like me acknowledging the wrongdoing won't come with any increased chance of changed behavior, but if he feels guilty over his actions I suppose there's still a chance for improvement. The normal process of doing wrong -> apologising -> changing behavior doesn't tend to apply to cluster B's.

Lusid wrote:If he's anything like me acknowledging the wrongdoing won't come with any increased chance of changed behavior, but if he feels guilty over his actions I suppose there's still a chance for improvement. The normal process of doing wrong -> apologising -> changing behavior doesn't tend to apply to cluster B's.

I don't know if he can feel guilt, but somehow I don't think so. Guilt feelings are the very last word I would ever associate with him. But he might care about my friend, because he took the time to reply this weird answer. It was written on the 3rd person though he made it obvious that he was talking about himself.

He actually doesn't know my friend talks to me about that. He seems to see me as a threat and I don't understand why. I don't know if he pretends he thinks I'm a threat, or if he really means it. But I'm scared that if my friend really shows too much friendship towards me, then the narc will also dislike him. Do you sometimes transfer the dislike you have towards someone to another person if you know they're friends? Would this be a possible narc thing to do? Anyway I'm keeping low profile just in case. Also do you sometimes feel threatened by people who haven't threatened you? Or do you pretend you feel threatened while knowing this is not the case? Why would someone do this?