I just got back here to tell you how I am now after 8 months of self-awareness. I am just really curious about it.
I just need to tell you first that my social anxiety were already treated by EFT 8 months ago. I still feel anxious but in a normal way, not the same when I really suffer from social anxiety.
Okay, Of coarse all of you knew what covert narcissist really is. Now that I don't really have that social anxiety with self awareness it really makes me feel that I am really not a covert narcissist anymore! and never the overt one!
I am not that vulnerable type of person anymore. Very needy, Clingy, insecure and mentally victim person. It's like that I become narcopath. Not pure narcissist and not pure sociopath. Is this thing exists? Because I read it in internet about narcopath.
Yeah, but this is really what inside my mind everyday.
I'm always on my mind everyday. If I will act of how I really think I might act so different of just how they knew me now in school, in my house I am really bad, arrogant and lazy (my parents knew that but my classmates don't, they think I am a genius, gifted, cute and hard working... it's like that's how I perceive myself but I knew most of my classmate saw me like this because it is what I am trying to become, with an IQ of 132 not genius but in a range of gifted, enough for me to trust my thoughts and planning.
. I am very aware now that I don't have a fixed personality. Actually my social anxiety comes because I don't know who I will present when I am in the center of attention (who I am). This is really the reason of how I fixed my anxiety, digging of what is the reason of it.
By the way, having no fixed personality really horrifies me. I don't know how I would react to people when they talked to me so I just copied them consciously and non consciously(it's narc/socio talent mimicking I guess). Now I really believe that If I will let my sub conscious let the manipulation part, it will be really easy and successful(since I really doing it unconsciously). I just discover that I really have that charming persona If I will just let myself do it.
The problem is who I am when I am in the center of attention???? Or when I am discussing/reporting in class????
For that I made a false self that I would like and easy for me to become. And it is DEXTER, did you see that movie of michael hall, the sociopath who has urges to kill? I'm him for now.!!! I really do, it might sound crazy but I study him, the way he talks, body languages, facial expressions, even narratives about how hard to be a human except urges to kill (it only applies when I am in school, in my house I always locked myself in my dark room( it's like that I also have schizoids since I don't contact much with my family but I do interact with them and I can charm them too which is possibility that I am not schizoid, its like I really need some rest from my thick mask too. Even in my family I still can sense that I really have a mask(my body language change when someone nears me becoming so perfect)
Did you notice it? I just discovered it that I really do change body language subconsciously everytime there is someone who's watching me.
Dexter - character from the movie series Michael C. Hall - an artists who played the role of DEXTER
You know what? When I need to speak I just imagine first of how dexter says it then I will just copy of how he say it(From head to toe) but sometimes when I just let my subconscious do the talking I suddenly becoming like of, who I am talking with or the person that I always think or sometimes the person that I am always with, sometimes the persons from my past. All of it, I remembered all of it, my expressions is from the person that I knew, A collection of great expression from them that I collected, but I really need a false self that I need to model and that is (DEXTER)Michael Hall. Because I can see him, I can study him, not just in my imagination(I'm really saying DEXTER and not michael hall since I can study every aspect of life of DEXTER, from the way he talk to how he choose his partner(Vulnerable or Codependent) .
If you think that I am becoming crazy??? I will assure you that this thoughts I have now is 100% better than when I am Covert narcissist, Its like a living hell!!! Very clueless, I can't understand myself, I am so different.
Right now I think I had study enough of myself and other people. And I will study more to become like human. You know what? I really lying to myself, when I am saying lie to other people it is like it's very true because I am thinking it is true BUT IT IS NOT.
I am even thinking that I am DEXTER MORGAN now.!!! Really, and I believe it. I don't really knew who I am right now.
Who am I? I don't have self, It makes my emptiness deeper. Really, I'm not jOking or acting. But I think I can carry it I just need a model to copy or a person to mimic. I can mimic one person at the moment but in group I am DEXTER.
I hope you understand guys.(sorry my for grammar
) I really do think that I am a sociopath right now but I knew my core is a covert narcissist.
Did I become something else, is it normal to be like this, is it sociopathic, is it narcopath?
Most of my tactics are from sociopath but I am easily humilated by criticism. I already checked all of other personality disorders, many traits overlapped, I got lots of traits from different disorders but narcopath really suits me best. Not just narcissist but sociopath as well. But once I really became a full blown covert narcissist.
You know what, before I discovered that I am a covert narcissists these are my tactics and I still using it (tactic of a sociopath but not of a narcissist). But I already studying human behavior even before my self-awareness since I hit rock-bottom of not understanding of who I am (I AM DIFFERENT FROM NORMAL PEOPLE I AM F*CK UP THAT'S WHY I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO BE HUMAN) I am 21 years old.
A narcissist will talk about himself, a sociopath will get you to talk about you.
A narcissist will introduce topics of interest or concern to himself, a sociopath will introduce topics of interest to you.
A narcissist wants to be perceived well, a sociopath wants to be perceived in whatever way will best suit his purpose.
Both ignore social rules, but a narcissist does it out of lack of awareness, while a sociopath does it to manipulate situations for his purpose.
A narcissist is somewhat hapless and unaware of his personality predicament his behavior and his effect on others; a sociopath is likely to be aware he is different from people who experience empathy and knowingly use this difference to get his way.
A sociopath is pre-occupied with winning, while a narcissist is preoccupied with being appreciated and admired.
A sociopath is a stimulation junky seeking ways to avoid boredom, while a narcissist may or may not be oriented to high stimulus activities.
A narcissist is unaware of the aggravating effect he has on others, while a sociopath is very aware of the effect on others.
A narcissist may demean you, be a bully, or mess with your career if he perceives you as a threat, while a sociopath will knowingly try to take you down or out altogether if you get in his way. A sociopath is likely to be cunning, patient and strategic in this process. He plays a long game while a narcissist plays a shorter term game.
A narcissist doesn’t mind working hard if it leads to approval, while a sociopath manipulates to do as little work as possible for the purpose of having money without expending effort.
A narcissist will have many relationships that end badly, while a sociopath is more likely to cut and run altogether once their manipulations are revealed or thwarted.
Both are chameleon-like and adapt their stories to please their particular listeners, however a sociopath may skirt closer to the edge of believability somehow managing to get you to doubt yourself rather than the fantastic story.
A narcissist is likely to adapt better to a work situation in established organizations with clear rules and social codes while a sociopath will prefer a start up or entrepreneurial environment where the rules and social codes are not clear.
A narcissist will get frustrated that his attempts to interact with empathetic people seem to go awry; he’ll feel like a victim because his efforts don’t work. A sociopath will not feel this sort of frustration, he processes what other people would consider to have emotional import as neutral information.
Both can make poor collaborators and team members. With a narcissist it’s due to poor social/emotional skills, self-orientation, and hapless attempts to get their own needs met, while with a sociopath it’s due to manipulation to get out of work, thwart others, win out, and get what they want.
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