How long can ST go on/ready to break

I'm pretty sure I'm in love with a narc, or a man with narc tendencies. We work together. There was gossip about it. His boss complained. He shut me completely out of his life, said I took over his life & tried to ruin his career & he'd reengage when he's ready & I needed to tone it down, relax & he'd be back.

So, I did. Never mentioned him at work. Even transferred. I don't go near his area. I treat him like he treats me, like he doesn't exist. I tried calling once & even offered to end things if that's what he wanted, he didn't call back. So, I went NC, because I need to heal. I've managed to do well at work, my performance is great & everyone comments that I seem so happy & cheery.

Now he makes it a point to walk by my area. He reads my blog at least once a week. My coworkers make it a point to tell me he looks miserable & maybe I should talk to him & his one friend keeps telling me if I give him more time, he'll talk to me again (I change the subject). But I can't take the ST anymore. A month ago I was the love of his life. Now I don't exist. How much longer will this go on? If I've been discarded, why keep tabs? Why try to force contact? I know he's not good for me, but I love him & would like to talk & work it out somehow (I know, pathetic). But I feel like I'm being punished & I just want it to stop.

In my opinion you weren't really discarded. He just needed a break - to cool off/to punish you. He is keeping tabs, because he is worried that you might move on. It is likely that he will try harder to come up on you... whenever he feels like it. It's really up to you whether you want to play this game or not. Whether you will take him back or not. If you want to, you might try to encourage him, sometimes one subtle sign of friendliness is enough to get a full blown hoover. I would think twice though.

I don't know about your N, mine does it very often. He also joggles many relationships at once - one girl is on ST, so he has more time for another one, when things don't work out with the other one, he might try to recycle the old one, and he always keeps tabs on all the old ones - just in case if he would like to recycle them one day.

How long can it take? From what I observed with mine - how he was treating me and how he treats others - from a few weeks to a few years. He is only in his 30s, so I don't know if it could take decades, but I am guessing that future will tell that yes.

-- Sun Feb 14, 2016 4:09 pm --

And I don't think it's pathetic that you would like to work things out. It's a natural reaction of normal people to ST - to either work things out or at least get some closure. That's why ST is so cruel. By those indirect hoovers he makes it even more difficult for you. That's why you shouldn't tolerate it... forget about him and move on. But this is only my opinion.

BTW, I am on ST - interrupted by indirect hoovers from time to time (feels like stalking) - for 9th month now. But I decided to not wait for him almost immeditaley - that is, 9 months ago. I think he will try to come back in some way... but I just couldn't care less now.

I thought if I just didn't play into it, he would see it needed to stop. But he's still ignoring me.

When I see him, I act like I don't care. I use the happy voice on the PA. Laugh with coworkers. But I've tried to respect his wishes & I avoid the breakroom, etc. But I miss him, because when he's here, he's so good. So, I keep waiting it out hoping he'll let me in soon. I wish I knew how to speed it up. I know. Pathetic.

Editorgirl2617 wrote:I thought if I just didn't play into it, he would see it needed to stop. But he's still ignoring me.

When I see him, I act like I don't care. I use the happy voice on the PA. Laugh with coworkers. But I've tried to respect his wishes & I avoid the breakroom, etc. But I miss him, because when he's here, he's so good. So, I keep waiting it out hoping he'll let me in soon. I wish I knew how to speed it up. I know. Pathetic.

Don't spend much energy and time into it. It's waste. It's going to go nowhere. However in this sad game you will lose all your remaining self respect and dignity.

Mary Ann wrote:

Editorgirl2617 wrote:I thought if I just didn't play into it, he would see it needed to stop. But he's still ignoring me.

When I see him, I act like I don't care. I use the happy voice on the PA. Laugh with coworkers. But I've tried to respect his wishes & I avoid the breakroom, etc. But I miss him, because when he's here, he's so good. So, I keep waiting it out hoping he'll let me in soon. I wish I knew how to speed it up. I know. Pathetic.

Don't spend much energy and time into it. It's waste. It's going to go nowhere. However in this sad game you will lose all your remaining self respect and dignity.

I'm trying. I haven't tried to reach him. I've even quit blogging because he goes to read it every 8 hours. Which sucks because I love to write. He keeps such a close eye on me & I just want to talk to him. I feel like a weak, pathetic thing. But I'm so in love. I don't know what to do & I feel so hollow & broken.

This is why relationships between narcissistic people should always be casual. Sad but necessary. I learned that along time ago. Still .....

I have some trouble with ST myself. If I want a person - I want contact with that person. And then ST would rather harm myself. So I usually dont do it - or not for long.

Last year I really disliked a person I usually had some contact with - so I gave that person the silent treatment for 3 month. I didnt even think about it anymore. So when that person approached me again - I was surprised. I somehow forgot about that it was a ST myself . So it could have gone on forever.

MeAgain wrote:This is why relationships between narcissistic people should always be casual. Sad but necessary. I learned that along time ago. Still .....

Not sure, MeAgain. My relationship with my ex was casual, still I regret it (it went bad)... I knew something is off with him and that's what I was thinking - as long as it's only casual, it won't hurt. Wrong. But this is juts my experience. My ex was particularly pathological.

-- Mon Mar 07, 2016 12:52 am --

KingPing wrote:I have some trouble with ST myself. If I want a person - I want contact with that person. And then ST would rather harm myself. So I usually dont do it - or not for long.

Last year I really disliked a person I usually had some contact with - so I gave that person the silent treatment for 3 month. I didnt even think about it anymore. So when that person approached me again - I was surprised. I somehow forgot about that it was a ST myself . So it could have gone on forever.

My ex once gave me 2 months of ST. When I finally reached out to him, I realised he was desperately waiting for a reaction for the whole time. (Long story, but believe me - his reaction to my message was obvious - he was desperate, anxious and exited to hear from me.) The second time he tried to do this, I decided that I am done, so I am not sure how it would go. But.. it's been almost 10 months and I am pretty sure that in his mind it is not entirely over between us. Either he is still waiting for my reactions or he will approach me. But 100% sure he is not done. (I can see how on fb, for example, he posts only when I am online. For me to see. That we're online at the same time together. Small things like that, but it makes it obvious that he still thinks about me and about the game between us.) I find it just weird.

The longest my ex has ever gone without contacting me was two months, but that was after I broke up with him and blocked him on social media. A week or two is more typical.

Editorgirl2617 wrote:I'm trying. I haven't tried to reach him. I've even quit blogging because he goes to read it every 8 hours. Which sucks because I love to write. He keeps such a close eye on me & I just want to talk to him. I feel like a weak, pathetic thing. But I'm so in love. I don't know what to do & I feel so hollow & broken.

Don't let him control you. You like blogging, and like to write, so continue doing it. Yes, it is hard, but you can not let him dictate your life.

You have to realize that a relationship with a narc is all about convenience and appearance. It all about him. Your relationship at work caused gossip to occur and his boss didn't appreciate that. That was detrimental to his career. So you are off limits. However, he still want to keep you around as a supply, and control in a way. You might love him, but he will never love you. Not in a normal way at least.

I know it is hard, but you have to be strong.