Help! I think I am a covert Narcissist

For years I have battling issues with my identity always thinking there was something wrong with me and never feeling 'normal' I suffered from extreme anxiety as a child and worked through these issues over the past year. Having dealt with my anxiety I was left with an empty and numb feeling and realised underneath my anxiety there was no emotions apart from when I was being criticised in which I felt shame and guilt and when I was praised in which I felt feelings of superiority and sheer joy. I decided I couldn't cope with the emptiness and decided to see a counsellor which has made me realise I might actually be a covert narcissist. The following has made me realise this:

[*]As a child I experienced inconsistent parenting, my mother would praise me one minute and shout and scream at me the next for the same thing (I realise that I might actually come from a long line of narcissists
[*]As a child I was terrified of the dark and extremely Hypersensitive. I was bullied quite badly and stopped giving affection to anyone
[*]In order to control my environment I would withdraw from situations when I felt inadequate and become confident in situations which I could control in which I felt I was special and better than anyone else
[*]This continued into adulthood and when criticised in a job, I would be deeply hurt to the point I would just leave the job. It also left me with feelings that I was stupid and useless. I struggle to get on with authority figures yet on the other hand I am also a people pleaser.
[*]I felt that if I was qualified to the highest levels that I would be happy as no one could tell me that I was good enough.
[*]I heavily fantasised as a child and still do as an adult in which I would envision myself saving peoples lives and discovering something that know one else would know
[*] As an adult I always tried to control social situations and would try to surround myself with people who made me look good but struggle to get on with people who are more qualified than me.
[*]I push myself in everything I do and am a bit of a perfectionist. I get angry if people dont do something to my level and think they are stupid and useless, although I dont alway verbalise this.
[*]I have sought out relationships with older married men who adore me but because they are committed I can keep my distance
[*]In relationships with someone who could get close to me, I sometimes lash out and get angry over absolutely nothing, I think this is my way of creating drama and attention to make me feel some sort of emotion
[*]I can leave a relationship without any feelings whatsoever and dont really feel grief
[*]I can give empathy and experience emotions but on a cognitive level which is more me just being aware of when I am meant to feel something and I know when to express it at the right times
[*]I feel comfortable and confident in situations in which I am in a position of authority but I am shy and withdrawn in situations which I am not which makes me feel like I have dual personalities (For ages I thought I was bi-polar)
[*]Although I seem to be likeable, I have few close relationships and close family have commented that I think I am better than them and come across as snobbish and distant.
[*]I have had a serious physical illness before and dealt with it all on my own without getting upset. I didnt like talking about it because I thought it made me weak.

I am trying to come to terms with my narcissistic qualities which makes me feel like a horrible person. I can control it a bit better now because I think I can understand it but I do not know how to overcome the emptiness and numbness which it leaves me with. What is everyone else's experience with their narcissism and has psychotherapy worked?

I think we need an international secret organisation of Fragile Narcissists! Secret handshakes and all! Welcome to the forum Calla.

Thanks MeAgain! Yes I think a secret organisation would be a great thing. At least we wouldnt feel so alone!

I'm currently trying to deal with that the realisation that people are not just extensions of myself. For the last couple of days I have been thinking that everyone is covert narcissists but of course they won't be as traumatised as me or as messed up as me. Basically no one will be as good a narcissist as me! When I think these things through I realise how ridiculous I am. Being aware of my own tthoughts and trying to accept that being the best and smartest isny everything is starting to help a little

Your style of personality is likely to alter also as you get older. Try to avoid major narcissistic injuries like losing jobs and relationship breakdowns. They will stall your personality evolution.