Why is he hoovering ?

Since I have been acting indifferent towards my ex N I get the impression he is hoovering more often. Before I was ignoring him and he used to send me insulting textmessages and threaths even.

Now I have been seeing him for the last 3 Sundays to exchange our baby.
Before my mother used to do it, but now I feel ready, I got a new haircut, I am feeling better, and when I saw him I acted nice and indifferent.

Since then he called me twice (he hasn't called me since the break up 4 months ago) out of nowhere. I first ignored his calls, but he sent a text it was regarding the baby, so I asnwered.

First time he called to let me know he had pictures of my labor and if he wanted them, and now today he calls again saying he still has pictures of my pregnancy shoot and if I wanted them ...
After that some chit chatting ...

I don't know how to feel or hat to think, his behaviour completely changed.
He left me for OW, so he has supply ...
What could make him act this way now ?

Honestly, I think "hoovering" is more of a BPD thing than anything else, because of the way people with BPD split. People with NPD don't really idealize, devalue, idealize, devalue, repeatedly. Yes there is splitting with NPD. They can idealize you, but once you're devalued, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to re-idealize you again. This type of cycle is pretty unique to BPD.

Has you ex been diagnosed with NPD? BPD and NPD can look very similar.

NimplyDimply That's interesting, but are you sure? Very often you can read about 'boomerang relationships' being typical for narcissists.

I don't know which label suits my ex the best. Definitely cluster B, but I'm hesitating between ASPD and NPD. His narcissistic traits are most obvious. Sometimes I think also a bit histrionic (because of his sex issues - he is a real Don Juan), but normally I would say either a sociopath with very strong narcissist traits or a high level narcissist with some ASPD traits.

He is stalking me, but maybe that's because I wasn't really devalued, I think. Sure, he was mean sometimes, but it was mostly because I wasn't compliant, I was a competition, he couldn't really get me, break me, lure me in. And I left before he did. So maybe that's different, to him I am probably still 'the thing that almost had (but not really) and that I would like to have' and he is probably a bit shocked about meeting someone who is so resistant.

Instant Karma There are many reasons for his hoovering. Perhaps he is bored with his NS and he wants supply from you too. Maybe he needs some drama from triangulation. Maybe he realized that he lost control over you and that's annoying to him, especially if you seem so strong (new haircut, indifference). Does it matter? You have probably made a right choice to move on, now work further on your indifference. That is, take your focus out of him. Grey rock, focus on yourself and try to not even think too much about his motives (easier said than done, I know).

He's bored and wants some drama with the OW.

I think those "reasons" to contact you (labor pictures---really?) are obvious and pathetic; and a dead giveaway to how desperate he is to engage you in headgames.

*YAWN*

Time to move on, girl!

I am trying to move on, obviously ..

I just want to understand what is going on in his head, what he is thinking for acting this way.
He has been contacting more often since, and keeps saying it's about the baby (because he knows I won't respond otherwise) but it's Always some lame excuse to send me pictures of the labor, second time it was to send me pictures of my pregnancyshoot ...

How can he triangulate me with OW if he sends me those pictures ?
Or call me when she is not there ?

Maybe there is trouble in Paradise and he isn't getting enough supply anymore ?

I agree with BlueFlower it's obvious, pathetic and desperate.

It should feel good for you, actually (at least it makes me feel good) now you're over him and he is desperate to keep you in a game.

I don't think there needs to be any trouble in the paradise for him to need additional supply from you. They just get bored easily. I also can't resist the impression that it bothers him that you are moving on. He thought you would suffer until the end of your life.

NimplyDinply wrote:Honestly, I think "hoovering" is more of a BPD thing than anything else, because of the way people with BPD split. People with NPD don't really idealize, devalue, idealize, devalue, repeatedly. Yes there is splitting with NPD. They can idealize you, but once you're devalued, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to re-idealize you again. This type of cycle is pretty unique to BPD.

Has you ex been diagnosed with NPD? BPD and NPD can look very similar.

I have been reading a lot on here about experiences with people who have being going back and forward in relationships like the one described. I have to agree with Nimbly Dinply. I have no interest once I devalued someone and for me to go begging back to someone would make me seem weak and needy so I would probably avoid it. As it is shallow admiration and praise we narcissists seem to seek, it seems that it should be pretty easy to get it from somewhere else so why would you back to the same person time and time again?

Calla wrote:

NimplyDinply wrote:Honestly, I think "hoovering" is more of a BPD thing than anything else, because of the way people with BPD split. People with NPD don't really idealize, devalue, idealize, devalue, repeatedly. Yes there is splitting with NPD. They can idealize you, but once you're devalued, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to re-idealize you again. This type of cycle is pretty unique to BPD.

Has you ex been diagnosed with NPD? BPD and NPD can look very similar.

I have been reading a lot on here about experiences with people who have being going back and forward in relationships like the one described. I have to agree with Nimbly Dinply. I have no interest once I devalued someone and for me to go begging back to someone would make me seem weak and needy so I would probably avoid it. As it is shallow admiration and praise we narcissists seem to seek, it seems that it should be pretty easy to get it from somewhere else so why would you back to the same person time and time again?

I don't know, but my ex isn't BPD - he is emotionless. Either a narcissist or a sociopath. I think to him it's not like he is 'going back' to someone. In his mind it just wasn't over at all (even if he was NC for long). It was just some kind of a break, of cooling off or whatever and he has a different perception of time.

Its just my opinion but I think if that is the case he is just using you for when he is low and needs a pick up as he knows that you will always be there. Narcs are capable of love and being a genuine relationship but they have to constantly fight their own instinct and it takes a lot of hard work. We have to first be aware of our condition and want to change

Calla wrote:

NimplyDinply wrote:Honestly, I think "hoovering" is more of a BPD thing than anything else, because of the way people with BPD split. People with NPD don't really idealize, devalue, idealize, devalue, repeatedly. Yes there is splitting with NPD. They can idealize you, but once you're devalued, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to re-idealize you again. This type of cycle is pretty unique to BPD.

Has you ex been diagnosed with NPD? BPD and NPD can look very similar.

I have been reading a lot on here about experiences with people who have being going back and forward in relationships like the one described. I have to agree with Nimbly Dinply. I have no interest once I devalued someone and for me to go begging back to someone would make me seem weak and needy so I would probably avoid it. As it is shallow admiration and praise we narcissists seem to seek, it seems that it should be pretty easy to get it from somewhere else so why would you back to the same person time and time again?

Isn't it so that Ns also have a sense of nostalgia ? For instance if the new supply isn't as much fun, or maybe not as good of a supply and too much work after a while, isn't it so that the N "realizes" the old supply was better and "miss" it ? Not for the person, but for the way he felt while being with that person. Wouldn't you go back to old supply if this person makes you feel better then the new source ?

-- Mon Feb 08, 2016 7:42 pm --

Shoshannah wrote:I agree with BlueFlower it's obvious, pathetic and desperate.

It should feel good for you, actually (at least it makes me feel good) now you're over him and he is desperate to keep you in a game.

I don't think there needs to be any trouble in the paradise for him to need additional supply from you. They just get bored easily. I also can't resist the impression that it bothers him that you are moving on. He thought you would suffer until the end of your life.

So him behaving this way basically doesn't mean he misses me, but wants to keep me as a plan B of some kind ? This is what I am trying to figure out, why they won't just let us go since they have new supply to play with.