NPD - What a revelation

it is to actually discover there's a description for my partner's lack of emotional responses (other than anger) and his associated verbal abuse and abysmal behaviour within our relationship.

I stumbled across a brief description of NPD while reading something entirely different and was stunned to find something that describes him almost 100%.

I hate him. There's absolutely nothing about him and the way he acts to like.

We met in 2001, he seemed charming but I didn't read the red flags properly and thought it was a bit of immaturity present.

We both met later in life, both wanting a family (I could now throttle the creator of RSVP... ) I actually believed that our mutual desire for a child would overcome any small problems we had with each other's personality and would be able to work through them.

What an absolute idiot I was to think that.

Within 3 weeks of the birth of our gorgeous daughter, and effectively the commitment to the relationship, his charm disappeared completely and he became an irrational, selfish, emotionally abusing, sulking, ill-tempered well, foul-mouthed, angry, intolerant a-hole and that is putting it politely.

I have no doubts now that he is fully NPD. He WANTS a family, he WANTS to love, he actually can't understand why he does hurtful things, because he's not feeling the fulfilment of a relationship. Like someone on this forum said, he loves a person like he loves our new 32 inch flat screen TV, which he is addicted to.

He's suffering from depression and an incredible bout of laziness that has lasted 3.5 years. Everytime something goes wrong, it can't possibly be him and it must be medical. 15 months on anti-depressents, which have tempered his anger (thank God) have not alleviate his feelings of rage.

He's been 'good' now for about 8 weeks, and I believe this is due to me being disdainful, disrespectful, bored, disinterested, contemptuous and unfeeling toward him. I sleep in the spare room and have done for nearly 12 months now, using his snoring as an excuse. I don't look at him when he walks in the door, I won't hardly give him the time of day. I issue 'orders' at him without a please or thankyou and he obeys! This seems to be only way he'll get off his fat backside and do something without complaint. I chastise him like I would if I were his mother (but of course, I'm nothing like his mother who I know now fed his N ways). I tell him to look at me while I'm talking to him and tell him off.

It's incredible what he'll put up with.

And finding out he's NPD - well! What a revelation and a half. I have absolutely no thoughts that he'll ever be 'fixed'. He's an emotional void, doesn't feel, and can't find it within himself to figure what has gone wrong so he can fix it.

He's seeking psychology counselling which started today, he's asked me to go and see this new counsellor and I'll drop the NPD in her lap to give her a kick start. But I am under no illusion that it'll change anything.

At the moment our daughter is 3.5 years old, and I'm not working at all. Last year he dropped a bombshell that he's in debt to over $100,000 and we've had to re-mortgage the house. He apologised, but has no real remorse for his financial devastation he has put us both under. He lied to me all the while about this debt which I never knew existed. He never did his taxes for 5 years prior to me meeting him and the tax office have imposed heavy penalties on unpaid taxes. I was stupid enough to think he'd only ever been as an employee and not done his return for the 5 years I'd known him. Again, how stupid could I have been.

Yet when I questioned him about it, I always got "I don't know" and once I got anger, to which I asked what was he hiding, response was 'nothing'. Pathological liar.

But now I can put a name to it, a face kind of thing.

I can't love this man, I can't even like him. I can't even look at him now. Ironically, this improves his behaviour! But what a crap relationship it is for me.

Anyway, after all that ranting I actually do have a question.

From what I can gather, NPD is not genetic, but is 'learned'. I've read it comes from abuse as a child. But nowhere can I find what type of abuse. Emotional only? And how much? Over how long a period?

My NPD is the eldest of 5 children, 7 years apart from oldest to youngest. His mother knew her hubby was cheating on her when her eldest was 9 months old but continued to have the kidlets - His father used to come and go with different girlfriends all the time, was never a father to him, his best advice apparently was to 'go and screw as many fanny's as you can' to my NPD somewhere at the age of 8 or 9 years old. My NPD was forced to stay in his room all day if he did something wrong and wait for his father to come home who would dish out the punishment with the 'strap'.

Is this the abuse that is mentioned?

Any insight into this would be favourable.

My main priority now is to protect my 3.5 yo beautiful girl and myself. I cannot let her self-esteem be eroded away by the shaming tactics he imposes, and which I now force him to apologise for.

Thanks for any input.

BTW, interesting forum.

TIA.

You got me all choked up. lol

Daniel

Apologies Daniel, but I don't actually understand your comment.

Are you being sarcastic? As that is very hard to accomplish on a forum board, you know, without the tone or body language.

I will venture another question, at this stage.

If I continue the aloofness and the act of 'I'm about to abandon you' how long is it likely to be before my N partner needs to have his N ways fuelled and decides to leave for greener pastures?

Anybody hazard a guess?

Not really expecting a response seeing as my first question is still unanswered.

TIA...

do u think it could be that he is actually SUFFERING from depression?.

"He's suffering from depression and an incredible bout of laziness that has lasted 3.5 years. Everytime something goes wrong, it can't possibly be him and it must be medical. 15 months on anti-depressents, which have tempered his anger (thank God) have not alleviate his feelings of rage"

maybe the 'laziness' is actualy the extreme fatigue some people have to cope with when suffering from depression?!

"He's been 'good' now for about 8 weeks, and I believe this is due to me being disdainful, disrespectful, bored, disinterested, contemptuous and unfeeling toward him. I sleep in the spare room and have done for nearly 12 months now, using his snoring as an excuse. I don't look at him when he walks in the door, I won't hardly give him the time of day. I issue 'orders' at him without a please or thankyou and he obeys! This seems to be only way he'll get off his fat backside and do something without complaint. I chastise him like I would if I were his mother (but of course, I'm nothing like his mother who I know now fed his N ways). I tell him to look at me while I'm talking to him and tell him off.

It's incredible what he'll put up with. "


my god i feel sorry for him!

lynn0407 wrote:it is to actually discover there's a description for my partner's lack of emotional responses (other than anger) and his associated verbal abuse and abysmal behaviour within our relationship.

I stumbled across a brief description of NPD while reading something entirely different and was stunned to find something that describes him almost 100%.

I hate him. There's absolutely nothing about him and the way he acts to like.

We met in 2001, he seemed charming but I didn't read the red flags properly and thought it was a bit of immaturity present.

We both met later in life, both wanting a family (I could now throttle the creator of RSVP... ) I actually believed that our mutual desire for a child would overcome any small problems we had with each other's personality and would be able to work through them.

What an absolute idiot I was to think that.

Within 3 weeks of the birth of our gorgeous daughter, and effectively the commitment to the relationship, his charm disappeared completely and he became an irrational, selfish, emotionally abusing, sulking, ill-tempered well, foul-mouthed, angry, intolerant a-hole and that is putting it politely.

I have no doubts now that he is fully NPD. He WANTS a family, he WANTS to love, he actually can't understand why he does hurtful things, because he's not feeling the fulfilment of a relationship. Like someone on this forum said, he loves a person like he loves our new 32 inch flat screen TV, which he is addicted to.

He's suffering from depression and an incredible bout of laziness that has lasted 3.5 years. Everytime something goes wrong, it can't possibly be him and it must be medical. 15 months on anti-depressents, which have tempered his anger (thank God) have not alleviate his feelings of rage.

He's been 'good' now for about 8 weeks, and I believe this is due to me being disdainful, disrespectful, bored, disinterested, contemptuous and unfeeling toward him. I sleep in the spare room and have done for nearly 12 months now, using his snoring as an excuse. I don't look at him when he walks in the door, I won't hardly give him the time of day. I issue 'orders' at him without a please or thankyou and he obeys! This seems to be only way he'll get off his fat backside and do something without complaint. I chastise him like I would if I were his mother (but of course, I'm nothing like his mother who I know now fed his N ways). I tell him to look at me while I'm talking to him and tell him off.

It's incredible what he'll put up with.

And finding out he's NPD - well! What a revelation and a half. I have absolutely no thoughts that he'll ever be 'fixed'. He's an emotional void, doesn't feel, and can't find it within himself to figure what has gone wrong so he can fix it.

He's seeking psychology counselling which started today, he's asked me to go and see this new counsellor and I'll drop the NPD in her lap to give her a kick start. But I am under no illusion that it'll change anything.

At the moment our daughter is 3.5 years old, and I'm not working at all. Last year he dropped a bombshell that he's in debt to over $100,000 and we've had to re-mortgage the house. He apologised, but has no real remorse for his financial devastation he has put us both under. He lied to me all the while about this debt which I never knew existed. He never did his taxes for 5 years prior to me meeting him and the tax office have imposed heavy penalties on unpaid taxes. I was stupid enough to think he'd only ever been as an employee and not done his return for the 5 years I'd known him. Again, how stupid could I have been.

Yet when I questioned him about it, I always got "I don't know" and once I got anger, to which I asked what was he hiding, response was 'nothing'. Pathological liar.

But now I can put a name to it, a face kind of thing.

I can't love this man, I can't even like him. I can't even look at him now. Ironically, this improves his behaviour! But what a crap relationship it is for me.

Anyway, after all that ranting I actually do have a question.

From what I can gather, NPD is not genetic, but is 'learned'. I've read it comes from abuse as a child. But nowhere can I find what type of abuse. Emotional only? And how much? Over how long a period?

My NPD is the eldest of 5 children, 7 years apart from oldest to youngest. His mother knew her hubby was cheating on her when her eldest was 9 months old but continued to have the kidlets - His father used to come and go with different girlfriends all the time, was never a father to him, his best advice apparently was to 'go and screw as many fanny's as you can' to my NPD somewhere at the age of 8 or 9 years old. My NPD was forced to stay in his room all day if he did something wrong and wait for his father to come home who would dish out the punishment with the 'strap'.

Is this the abuse that is mentioned?

Any insight into this would be favourable.

My main priority now is to protect my 3.5 yo beautiful girl and myself. I cannot let her self-esteem be eroded away by the shaming tactics he imposes, and which I now force him to apologise for.

Thanks for any input.

BTW, interesting forum.

TIA.

You aren't in love, and you don't like the guy. That's not the recipe for a healthy relationship. You shouldn't spend the rest of your life looking for ways to make things tolerable.

I'd suggest letting go of your anger and resentment. When I forgave my ex for all she had done I was much happier and at peace. She didn't actually understand she was forgiven, she didn't discontinue her bad behaviors, she didn't necissarily even deserve it, but I did it for my own mental health. Then I dropped all my unhealthy attatchments and started forming healthy ones instead. I spent so much time taking care of her I stopped taking care of myself and I just grew bitter, cold, lonely, and distant. I had to end that relationship and atart taking care of myself.

Thank you to those who have replied. It's helped, somewhat.

Jocasey, if you feel sorry for him (and I've been there too) then you are more than welcome to have him! I didn't say I enjoyed acting as I do this past few weeks, in fact, the opposite, it's not a relationship that I can respect nor is it one like I want. But I will do what it takes to have him stop screaming, yelling and abusing our daughter, especially after he's acted the 'sweetie doting father' for 2 weeks, then suddenly screams at her that she's 'getting up his nose all day' for doing nothing. I don't like what I have become, but will stick with it to keep things at home on a relatively normal level.

Wastedyouth, thank you for sharing. Last year, when he dropped the bombshell of the $120,000 debt I was full of resentment. Couldn't stand the sight of him. How could someone lie about something like that? It broke one of my cardinal rules of being in a relationship - trust. That was when the confusion of being with him quickly changed to resentment. At this current time, I am financially dependent upon him, moving out may actually do more harm to my daughter and me than good at this stage, but when a full-time job is available and my daughter is settled in daycare, I can start to think about forming healthy relationships outside of this crazy one I've been trapped in for nearly 5 years. Get some positive thoughts happening around me from other people in the workforce, rather than listening to his constant pessimism. thank you again, what you say makes a lot of sense to me, and I do know that the resent must be faced and dealt with for me to move on properly. I'm thinking my behaviour over the past 8 weeks or so is the beginning.

Rubystar! I could hug you dear! You have given me some more insight too. Yes, he is cerebral. Very, very intelligent and uses his intelligence to manage large user based MySQL databases, and in fact is considered very high up in his field. BUT, failed Physics 101 at Uni (and all his Uni subjects) through disdain and arrogance for the lecturer. Yes, I can see now that his father was Somantic. Thank you! Several years ago I thought to myself, "Hey, this man can't love properly coz he doesn't love himself." Of course, now that I've read NPD, it's explained.

Covert aggression is his specialty in so much as that up until a week ago I thought he was fully passive-aggressive.

I haven't read your links yet, but will be back later to do so when I have more time in private.

Thank you for your replies. I've enjoyed reading them.

Regards
Lynn (from Australia)

lynn0407 wrote:*snip*
Regards
Lynn (from Australia)

*High fives the Aussie* Cockroach, Cane Toad, or Mexican?

Here's a hint.

Clipsal 500

Ahhh. What do we call you people? As I understand it, most of you weren't convicts, rather you came voluntarily as wealthy landowners and such. Your colony was deliberately isolated, so as to seperate you from the 'dregs' of the convict colonies, yes? So perhaps a name pertaining to this history would be relevant. But what? 'settlers', 'the gentry', 'lords and ladies of the nullaboor'. Not sure. Do you know of any existing ones?

lynn0407 wrote:Apologies Daniel, but I don't actually understand your comment.

Are you being sarcastic? As that is very hard to accomplish on a forum board, you know, without the tone or body language.

Yeah...I was being sarcastic.

Daniel