States of mind.

The other day, a couple of things put me into a bad mood in the morning. (More than that, really, but I'd rather not go into that side of things.) Anyway, I arrived at work, and I felt vindictive and malicious, and I could feel that attitude coming out as I dealt with people.

After a while, I can't remember if it was after consciously trying to 'control' myself or not, but my state of mind changed, and I started to feel more kindly towards people, and tried to be more helpful. I thought about my change in attitude, and wondered if it was just me zipping myself into my 'nice and lovely' costume, but it wasn't, it felt more genuine than that.

That got me thinking about something that my therapist used to discuss with me. He talked about how I jumped, (clunkily, not gradually), between different 'states'. In one I was superior, contemptuous, projecting, in another I (can't remember, presumably feeling that self contempt, instead of projecting it and putting other people down in order to feel superior and better about myself), and underlying those states was my ocd, dealing with my chaotic mind.

Well, that's what it was the other day. More than some traits surfacing, or not feeling my usual surface 'good mood' and fake helpfulness. I really was in a different state, a bit like being bewitched in some way. It started because, on that particular morning, I hated myself, I felt scared of what I saw inside myself, (the malevolence), and the feelings coming from me towards other people were dark, like some fetid energy or something. (A bit melodramatic, but along those lines.) Getting out of that state did feel like stepping into daylight, and the benevolence that I felt towards people, rather than malevolence, was genuine. (Not deep, but at least real, as far as it could be for me.)

That 'shape shifting' element of narcissism is what confuses people, I think, and it used to confuse me as well. With narcissism, there isn't one stable base that good and bad moods emanate from. If other narcissists are like me, then (mainly before self awareness) we move between states. Years ago, for example, I remember being deliberately silent and moody with my mother, as she drove me into town to meet my friends. It wasn't just an attempt to upset her; I wanted her to see my bad mood and how I felt just at that moment, maybe like a baby or toddler would have a tantrum or sulk to get its mother's attention. (My mother was a warm hearted 'non'.) Yet when I stepped out of the car, and walked towards my friends, I was instantly smiling and laughing, and it wasn't fake, it was how I felt with them. I'd stepped into another state, I suppose.

Sorry for this long post, but I wanted to get this down publicly. (Of course publicly, I'm a narcissist.) It felt quite important to me, because it's one thing to know something, and another to experience it. (I mean that observation of myself stepping/falling into that malevolent state, then out of it. It was a dislike and fear of my real nature that turned my mind 'dark', and made me treat other people badly the other day, (or at least want to), but I don't know if my narcissism is always based in self dislike, or if some of it is just inherent.

I drive for a living and have the misfortune of having to share the Queen's Highway with other drivers. Few of whom seem to share my concept of time and money. It's only other people who put me in a bad mood. I don't deliberately do these things to myself. I'd rather be in a good mood. If only the roads belonged to me!

When I worked for other people I'd say to myself before getting to work "stay calm today Kevin". It was always futile. I've been sacked from three jobs in my time.

http://youtu.be/D_ubwE3IJhY

Yeah, it's not fun being stuck in kill mode for no apparent reason.

I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts and goals(not grandiose) when my switches come. I have been stuck for days at a time not getting over something most people can brush off.

Let me know if any tricks help you.

Thanks MeAgain and jipped for the replies. It was a pretty horrible state to be in, and I was lucky to be able to leave it relatively quickly. It didn't feel like 'me in a bad mood', it felt more as if my actual personality had shifted. (I'm not saying that in response to what you wrote, MeAgain. It does take a real effort of will to try to force myself to behave normally, when I'm in a bad mood, and it isn't something that I can always control.

jipped, what helped me, I think, was being aware of what was happening inside me, and really not wanting to be that person, in that state. I suppose that that in itself started to effect a change.

Did it feel like forgiveness?

Close. It felt like stepping back from being a despicable person who didn't deserve forgiveness.

bitty wrote:Anyway, I arrived at work, and I felt vindictive and malicious, and I could feel that attitude coming out as I dealt with people.

After a while, I can't remember if it was after consciously trying to 'control' myself or not, but my state of mind changed, and I started to feel more kindly towards people, and tried to be more helpful.

I think you unconsciously changed your state when you saw yourself doing it and you realized the impact it might have on others. You saw that you were causing it because the "the attitude was coming out as I dealt with people". This is a good experience in the right direction.

No, I don't think it's switching states the narc way. Because in this situation, you behaved differently because of self awareness. You didn't change the state to manipulate others.

Actually, it did feel more like switching states for me. I was more concerned with the sort of person I was in that state, than the impact that I might have on others.

I usually do have the kind of experience that you describe, where my self awareness helps me to realise when I'm not treating others well, and change my behaviour and attitude. (Which isn't about manipulating others, however.) But the situation that I described above was different.

jipped wrote:I have been stuck for days at a time not getting over something most people can brush off.

I wonder why this happens to some people? I've always thought that this happens to me because I am highly sensitive. Maybe I'm just obsessive. Hmmmm.

It's definitely obsessive, the therapist said it has to do with lacking chemicals in the brain as well.