NPD, depression and forgiveness

I haven't been formally diagnosed with NPD, although I fit most of the behaviors. Recently, my relationship with my boyfriend, a highly empathetic and slightly co dependant ended. We moved together to a new state, and out of the 5 months that we've been here, I've had a job for maybe two. We both started school, he made friends, found new hobbies, a job, he really made a life here. My problems with anxiety, making friends and socialaity in general came out. Every girl that he even mentioned I immediatly stalked on facebook,if he didn't come home when I expected- I would panic. I would race home after class just in hopes that he would be home, if not- I would cry. I started skipping class, not doing my homework. I've never had friends, my two close female friends were basically romantic relationships. I lied to him about various things, even taking money he gave me to pay rent to buy food. I know his facebook information, and have been checking it regularly for about half a year. Our relationship was never stable, it was held together by sex, a vice for the both of us. I realized that he was my 'supply', I've cried constantly, smacked myself, obsessed over this.
We still live in the same apartment, and since some time has gone by, and he's been away for the holidays. I swear, I didn't even know that considering someone else's feelings was even a concept that existed until last year (I'm 22). I want friends in the way of wanting an item-something to have to say I have, to not be alone all of the time. What I'm really dealing with is seeing what a monster I am, and the hell I've created. I owe him 2 months worth of rent, plus rent for the current time that I live there. I skipped class so often that I don't know if I'll be able to go back to school when the semester is over. I don't have a car so I have to rely on him and a co worker/neighbor to take me to work.
Since we've broken up, he's been nothing but friendly and helpful. He's started talking to a new girl, and this infuriated me, and I have been even more angry and awful to him.
I digress back to my original point of this post. I realize much of a monster I am,and that I have to live in this hell. I want to get better, and I know that I can, or is that just the grandieosity speaking? I have very low self esteem, and because of everything that's happened I'm reeking of shame and self loathing. I think that if I were able to forgive myself I would make more steps in at least becoming more stable. Knowing that I have NPD, is it okay to have good days? Is it okay to forgive myself?
I mediate and do yoga sometimes and it helps to calm me, but I've never felt peace, I always have the nagging feeling that I'm not okay.
I know I've rambled endlessly, and I don't even know how much of this is on topic, but I just needed to let all of this out. Any insight or advice that anyone has would truly be appreciated. I feel so alone.

Welcome to the forum Nancy. A lot of what we do is to fight off depression. Have you seen your doctor about this? There's no need to reference your personality.

I've struggled with self forgiveness too, especially the question of how much could I have done differently, and can identify with much of what you've written.

No-one is to blame for having npd, whatever its causes, and it's a disorder founded on self deception. None of us would have chosen to have it. You'll find that, now that you're self aware, your thought patterns and behaviour will modify naturally, although the narcissistic instincts remain.

So, the self forgiveness - well, that's hard, I know. Try to use the knowledge of how you've treated your ex, or other people, to remind yourself not to repeat that behaviour - or, more realistically, to recognise it and stop yourself when you realise what you're doing.

It's not forgetting how you behaved, but becoming kinder. Then you can turn around and look at that 'boulder' of shame and guilt, now and again, and use it as a useful conscience, instead of carrying it with you.

All the best to you, and welcome to the forum.

(I think that therapy would help you; I'd tell the therapist that you believe yourself to be a narcissist, but as MeAgain said, it's worth talking to your doctor about your depression.)

nancynobody wrote:Any insight or advice that anyone has would truly be appreciated. I feel so alone.

Hi Nancy, I would say that your behavior toward your boyfriend seems to indicate a strong fear of abandonment and rejection. Those fears are rarely generated "ex nihilo". You might to explore what made you feel so strongly about feeling left aside during your childhood...