So I'm a covert narcissist... but what now?

I posted on this forum a few months ago about myself possibly being a narcissist.
Well, few mnths of therapy later it's official - I am a covert narcissist.

And... so what?
My therapist believes we should start working on this so that I am more able to have relationships, but I increasingly feel that this is a futile endeavor. After all, everything I've read about narcissism seems to say that it does not, in fact, prevent people from having relationships. It prevents them from maintaining relationships.
So what if I'm a covert narcissist? It's not like I can manipulate anyone or use them for supply, or whatever. I don't matter enough for anyone. Never have. Nobody wants to be close to me. I'm too unattractive.
So what if I learn to be more genuine through my therapist? So what if I building myself up inwardly and then tearing myself down externally? It won't make me more attractive. It won't make me a better person. It'll change me, but if I don't even exist, what is the point?

I can never have any sort of relationship with anyone not just because I'm a narcissist. No one wants one with me either. I'm not interesting, not attractive, not anything positive at all. I'm just a bunch of flaws, nothing else.
And sure, maybe that self-characterization is just a product of the covert narcissism. But the fact that no one wants to be around me isn't.

Do I really want to go through the difficult process of "treating" (I don't even know what that entails) my narcissism? Is it not just a waste of time and money if the end result will be essentially the same. Do I even want to go on living?

VasVlad wrote:I posted on this forum a few months ago about myself possibly being a narcissist.
Well, few mnths of therapy later it's official - I am a covert narcissist.

And... so what?
My therapist believes we should start working on this so that I am more able to have relationships, but I increasingly feel that this is a futile endeavor. After all, everything I've read about narcissism seems to say that it does not, in fact, prevent people from having relationships. It prevents them from maintaining relationships.

Your obnoxious negativity is part of your illness and that includes all your cognitive and thinking processes, including the inability to fully realize that this is so. If you havent yet done so, read the Closet Narcissism summary by Ralph Klein that I linked somewhere on this forum to get an idea of some of the stuff. I think it might clarify - at least intellectually - why you are so negative and why you long for a relationship and that you might define this word quite differently from how your therapist defines it.

You find friends on this forum. Stick around VV.

You say your Hail Marys and repent in church this Sunday.

Okay, I'm kidding.

Stick with therapy. Even if you're pessimistic about it, you can gain some valuable insights that can lead to at least some lasting change.

Akuma

Thank you for the direction. I found the summary and read it. While fascinating and informative, all that seemed to do was refine my understanding of my narcissism, and nothing else. It seems that closet narcissism still doesn't preclude people from forming relationships the way I seem to be precluded form forming them. Essentially, I gained some new knowledge now, but I'm still at a loss as to what to do with it.

Also, how is my negativity a part of my illness? I can understand how my negative view of myself can be a part of it, but how can my assessment of my circumstances, which is occasionally corroborated by others, be a part of it? Are you saying that I am *making* myself bad and unattractive instead of simply being trapped in this state?

MeAgain

Maybe I'll just do that... although that too seems futile.

NimplyDinply

That's what I plan to do. Soldier on until it's over. I have specifically prohibited myself from quitting therapy until my current budget for it, which lasts until February 2017, runs out. However, I am so deathly afraid of ending it and still being in the same spot, same situation, but without even having therapy to fall back on for comfort and hope. The thought of that happening fills me with severe dread, and yet at the same time, I can't see anything else happening.

Now, I pay my therapist (who is based in a different country) in USD and my country could soon ban ownership of foreign currency and any transactions involving it, so the therapy might get cut short sooner...

Akuma

Thank you for the direction. I found the summary and read it. While fascinating and informative, all that seemed to do was refine my understanding of my narcissism, and nothing else. It seems that closet narcissism still doesn't preclude people from forming relationships the way I seem to be precluded form forming them. Essentially, I gained some new knowledge now, but I'm still at a loss as to what to do with it.

Also, how is my negativity a part of my illness? I can understand how my negative view of myself can be a part of it, but how can my assessment of my circumstances, which is occasionally corroborated by others, be a part of it? Are you saying that I am *making* myself bad and unattractive instead of simply being trapped in this state?

I cant judge how much of an active role you play, but in NPD the splitting response is a bit different than in BPD, even more so in CNPD. Essentially you feel all-bad when you dont have an all-good other, so first and foremost the search for a relationship is distorted by the narcissistic orientation towards this sun-like other. Secondly the splitting process turns your perception black and white and ultimately this will influence you to perceive and act in a way that will again influence real people out there. Tbh I am not so much an adherer to this idea myself, but many people (including my T) seem to think that one needs to like oneself to be liked. I have my doubts but what is right about this is surely that if you directly or indirect have a vibe of depression around you it will surely be harder to keep company. And keep in mind that with a PD the really essential aspects of our disorder are the hardest to see. It took me - hm. I dont even know lol. But it took me a very long time for example to see that my paranoia was a part of my illness, to even intellectually grasp that people might not all be in this world purely for the reason to destroy me. It can take quite a while to get this but whats true for ones mind isnt necessarily true. So at least sow this seed of uncertainty, not everything that you might think now or might have thought in the past might be an accurate description of any reality whatsoever.

Essentially you feel all-bad when you dont have an all-good other, so first and foremost the search for a relationship is distorted by the narcissistic orientation towards this sun-like other.

How does it affect it? I mean, I sort of understand how the ideation happens, but for me at least, it happens after someone shows me at least some attention and I generally try to keep its expressions in check obviously. I feel, essentially, that nobody ever showing me any attention is not down to narcissism but rather just down to my unpleasant appearance, making it impossible for anyone to be attracted to me.

I guess the basic problem is that I see the root of my loneliness as lying outside of the scope of therapy. You can't fix ugly, and without fixing ugly, you're not fixing narcissism either, because it requires at least some amount of love from another person.

not everything that you might think now or might have thought in the past might be an accurate description of any reality whatsoever

Finding out about narcissism, and finding out about closet narcissism yesterday, certainly opens my eyes to some of the mistakes I might have made in the past, but, but it still doesn't seem to address the fact that people aren't drawn to me, that I don't matter to them because I have nothing to attract them.

We can't see you VV. You'll get ego feed on here. As you'll already know, that's our drug of choice. You'll feel better getting affirmation on here by sharing your own insights. I want to know how therapy works. I'm building upto it myself.

VasVlad wrote:How does it affect it? I mean, I sort of understand how the ideation happens, but for me at least, it happens after someone shows me at least some attention and I generally try to keep its expressions in check obviously. I feel, essentially, that nobody ever showing me any attention is not down to narcissism but rather just down to my unpleasant appearance, making it impossible for anyone to be attracted to me.
I guess the basic problem is that I see the root of my loneliness as lying outside of the scope of therapy. You can't fix ugly, and without fixing ugly, you're not fixing narcissism either, because it requires at least some amount of love from another person.

I'd say "nobody ever" is also a result of splitting. Im continously edvaluing and idealizing therapy, too, sometimes I want to abort it, then I want to go on, then the therapist is a clueless mororn, then hes pretty awesome; and like a bipolar I'm convinced in both scenarios that the current perception is the real one. I think its essential to keep a sort of monitoring process running to at least always have a little doubt that the current stream of perception might be inaccurate and not as absolute as it seems.
In your specific case I do remember we were at the point already that you admitted that its not your appearance at all, because you admitted there are people that look worse but they would have "other redeeming features" which you said you wouldnt have. Thats splitting. For all I know all you can do at this point is become more aware of this as an active process. It might be worthwhile talkin about this very transparently with your therapist, in regard to which technique she wants to apply; because it might be necessary to idealize her then. That would in turn reduce your negative self-image.

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm NPD (covert) or not so how much my input matters I don't know....

I wonder if one answer isn't to just keep confiding in other NPD's working on themselves, such as those of us on this forum ....they (we) will understand each other and support each other.