I think we narcissists make other people narcissists too

I just realized it hope it's not true. We either make other's narcissists too, or we kind of make them hate themselves or feel ashasmed.

People have an ego. We don't. And since we don't, we interpret other people like they were narcissists too. That creates a problem. We manipulate people and basically empty. We do what we want in the moment and that is it. Others have a deep, coherent, imperfect personality with their own good and bad traits, and traits they are not aware of and traits they maybe themselves would be ashamed of if they would be aware of them.

Basically, everyone in the world has at least one "bad" trait, and it is selfishness. Selfishness is neccessary and natural. But it is bad and to be ashamed of, once it is over the socially accepted level, which is a blurry line in most people.

Now, when we get a bad reaction from people (bad=not what we want at the moment), we attack them. And we attack them unconsciously like this: we deeply sense what they do, and tell them things about themselves they were not aware of, and we make them feel worthless. But we don't sense in the moment that we just destroyed something in that sensitive person. Because everyone is sensitive compared to us. But we don't see it, you can't see it in their face or even if you do you can't relate.

Like, I told my girlfriend how selfish she is because she always waited for ME to solve the relationship (which would have been a good trait from a real men). But since it WAS true, and I told her that she was selfish because of it (who the hell cares, normal people want relationships, not to "win"), she felt it is true and now feels bad for that. It is deeply intimidating to a normal person to get told something "bad" about themselves they were not aware of before.

But since the person needs to survive emotionally, (s)he becomes a narcissist. Because what is narcissism? That ME is the first, ME is cool, EVEN if I did things which I hate.

So they go on from the relationship not quite understanding what happened, maybe we even made them do something out-of-character in panic (reaction to what we did or said) which they are even ashamed of now.

So they go on, feel that they don't want us in their lives but still can't quite resolve this, can't quite honestly explain to themselves why what they did was right (was it?), so they basically go on with a damaged sense of self.

But their narcissism (which was healthy narcissism in the first place) makes them go on with life (surviving). We distort them at best.

Are you agree?

I agree, Sam. That's why we became narcissists, because our own parents "infected"us. Well, at least for most of us. You say yours was actually a choice though. Was your childhood traumatic?
But yes, it is contagious because it's a positive feedback loop. We attack against what we perceive as the narcissism of others, and they in turn can only defend against us by using our own tactics against us. I this goes on long enough or the relationship is intimate enough, the other person can actually adopt permanent narcissistic traits or even become Ns.

We also make them narcissists by making them aware of their failures and shortcomings. They may even perceive us as better (maybe we even are better in certain aspects), or see us having higher morals (maybe our true self even has higher morals), and that only increases the effect.

They dont see us they only see what they see from us and interpret it through their personality, which is the ultimate filter.

-- Mon Nov 02, 2015 1:37 pm --

Healthy narcissism is the ultimate engine that drives people. They need to feel better or at least good enough compared to others. So they indentify with their positive traits, and forgive themselves for their less good traits. This is the healthy ppersonaliTy.

But by making them aware of the fact that they are hiding some "bad quality", you destroy them.

I know people too well. I did not understand why my relationship went bad. I Connected to her on a deep level but my filter (personality) was switched off, so I acted like a hammer instead of a fluff.

People need something which only they know.about themselves. An inner secret. You expose it and shame comes.

Negative traits can not be integrated into.an ego. Noone wants tó identify with.negative traits. Once you attack them by.making them aware of their shortcomings, they are crumbled and narcissists.

Healthy people have way too many things in their lives and minds that give them stability to care about what one person might think or say about them. You cant make someone feel "worthless" or become narcissistic just by saying or doing something to them. With little kids that does work but not with healthy adults.
Actually I think that the way a normal person is functioning is so different from ours that its hard to fathom. Many of them might be dumb sheep but I still envy them.

That can be true. But it still has a distorting effect if they admire you.

People have an ego. We don't.

No, you do have an ego. The EGO in cNPD(covert NPD) tends to be developed in an unhealthy way. The work cNPDs put in developing the false self should have been put into developing the real self.

What you said in the rest of the post applies to average or less developed people. People who are in control of their minds can't be changed in a major way by continual contact with a cNPD. For these people, a relationship with an un-aware cNPD is not interesting because of the drama the cNPD creates. Being in a relationship with a cNPD is a very low quality relationship because the cNPD person is too rigid and unwilling to adapt.

The above may apply to overt NPDs but I don't know for sure. I haven't met many overt NPDs.

Any idea on how.can we develop true self?

-- Mon Nov 02, 2015 2:33 pm --

Also your post must.be true.

I think true self is developed by a constant sync between experiencer self, action self, feeling self, thinking self, action self and body self.

SamGabor wrote:Any idea on how.can we develop true self?

You need to rely less on the false self. The false self is like a tool used to gather, in an addictive way, narcissistic supply. Then you go on purpose and do things that are right(the right thing to do) but that will not give you any supply. When you engage in those activities, you even risk getting a narcissistic injury.

Example: If you're afraid of talking to strangers, do this exact activity over and over again.

You go towards your fears rather than avoiding the activities that make you fearful.

Then do the following 2 exercises:
1. Make a list of the positive qualities that you like in others. Go through the list and notice how those are actually your underdeveloped talents. Plan to work on them to develop them.

2. Make a list of the negative qualities that you see in the others. When you think about those negative qualities, you have a strong emotional reaction towards them or those people who engage in them. These qualities are most likely your negative projections. Notice how you also have them in yourself.

Do your best to accept them into yourself and integrate them. By integrating I mean that you should notice doing them in yourself. And also do not beat yourself up when you act based on them.