Supplying Yourself Might Help You Hide Symptoms

I'm not NPD, but I have quite a bit of narcissism. I know for a fact that it's made me need to see myself in too great a light and stand out substantially above others.

I've sort of dealt with this by (narcissistically) supplying myself internally by taking pride in the fact that I analyze my weak points openly and carefully, being a machine that improves itself much more quickly than others by mimicking and adapting the traits that others have an (initial) advantage of over me. It's narcissistic "humility."

I use the thought from Ralph Waldo Emerson: "In my walks, every man I meet is my superior in some way, and in that I learn from him.” It allows me to be okay with people being better at things than I am. Because I'll simply learn from them how it works and my base of intellectual traits will grow while others' will stagnate. Over the years I'll expand my personal potential, while others will not have a broad enough vision.

I put a lot of weight on what I will become and that I can adjust things about myself, and it reduces my need to use other people for supply. It's like my new supply is watching the products of my efforts appear within myself and in the world.

Harpsichord wrote:IIt allows me to be okay with people being better at things than I am. Because I'll simply learn from them how it works and my base of intellectual traits will grow

I can relate to that. I used similar reasoning to invalidate accomplishments of others. ("I could have done that if I weren't busy doing my own thing."). I can't remember feeling smug, like "I'll learn from them and, like the ant and the grasshopper, I'll become a super-intelligence while they live with mediocrity." (Hopefully I'm not overstating what you described.).

But, in another way I definitely relate to the ant/grasshopper (tortoise/hare) story. I was maniacal about advancing, proving my capabilities, being self-sufficient, planning for every eventuality. I just don't remember having a smug "I'll exceed you" emotion. The only smuggness I felt was when someone hadn't planned accordingly and instead of empathizing with the hardship they faced, I would think "too bad you didn't buy a bicycle as alternate transportation." Or, "I bought a trailer so I can bring a new washing machine home without waiting a day for delivery."

I would have those "better than you" emotions then. But, not so much when I detected someone else doing something better. It would only be "I could have done that..."

I don't need to invalidate the accomplishments of others or think that I could have done the same. I know that's just delusional thinking. Plus, I know that my own capabilities are pretty good and can be expanded upon.

Harpsichord wrote:I don't need to invalidate the accomplishments of others or think that I could have done the same. I know that's just delusional thinking...

I was going by: " I know for a fact that it's made me need to see myself in too great a light and stand out substantially above others."

I would be worried that that kind of "over achieving(?)" would reinforce narcissism and delay the "coming back to earth" adjustment. I mean, if I need to pursue improvement in my knowledge, skills, in order to feel good about myself, I think that would just be doing what I always did. (Running from myself.).

There is a fine line between healthy hobbies, goals, sense of accomplishment and "drowning out the void within me" through overcompensation. I've never been able to balance that very well.

It's not quite the same.

There are some specific things that I want to accomplish for my own sake of feeling satisfied with my life.

As for coming back to earth, I'm kind of a nihilist. I've already been there (and can go back and forth as a I please). I've just noticed that, in fact, I'm not as satisfied as I thought I would be in the "down to earth" state.

I need some accomplishment, big accomplishment in the long run. And, I've just accepted that as a part of me. It's actually a lot easier this way.

I don't see how any of this is satisfying in any way.

Truth too late wrote:I can relate to that. I used similar reasoning to invalidate accomplishments of others. ("I could have done that if I weren't busy doing my own thing."). I can't remember feeling smug, like "I'll learn from them and, like the ant and the grasshopper, I'll become a super-intelligence while they live with mediocrity." (Hopefully I'm not overstating what you described.).

I also use a similar reasoning. I see it as more of a coping mechanism though than invalidating others achievements. If I lack in some area I need a valid reason for why that is and well, not having spent any time on learning it would certainly be one.

But it's true I often think I could have done the very same thing as someone else did, only in a much better way, had I decided to put effort into it.

Sometimes if I happen to lack some expertis in an area I should be more knowledgable on, I like to assume the role of a student. There has been times where I have pretended I know absolutely nothing about a subject that I in fact know quite a bit about. It's never to learn. I'm not interested in what they have to say. It's just another coping mechanism similar to what I described above. If people think I know nothing about a subject, they cannot have any expectations on me and if I ###$ up somehow, it won't be a big deal. I mainly do this around academic people or people with very good professions. With regular people I can gladly jump into the discussion and push my knowledge and opinions. I'm quite good at it too, I've gotten away winning many discussions about things I actually don't know a whole lot about, just by sticking to a few facts I do know and pretending like I'm an authority on the subject.

Anyways none of this is very satisfying or makes up supply to me. They are merely ways of dealing with the times when I don't know best.

Maybe it's that I feel that depending on someone to supply my ego is just giving them power over me, which is why I've turned inward.

Again, I'm not NPD, but have a decent amount of narcissism. I've been in and out of narcissistic states of mind, so it's maybe easier for me.

Harpsichord wrote:Maybe it's that I feel that depending on someone to supply my ego is just giving them power over me, which is why I've turned inward.

If you were NPD I would say you should learn to reduce your need for supply, to be more reconciled to yourself as you are. But, I can also relate to how mental challenges, consuming projects can be a valid way to exist "as you are" (with high intelligence). So, it's a difficult balance.

Your idea reminds me of how I spent my life, in a "march" to improve, be better, have more, know more, etc. But, I wasn't aware of myself. I think I'm better at recognizing healthy vs unhealthy self-supply. For example, most of the avatars I've been using the past month or two came about rather spontaneously some time ago. The song/image connections were already there. A couple days ago I thought I should replenish my reservoir. As I pursued that, it felt more like the OCD unhealthy pursuit of something to drown out who I am, to avoid myself, or define myself in a way that doesn't come as naturally as that initial creative burst.

As long as you can be mindful and recognize what's helping (or not), it should be ok (especially if your not NPD with a compulsive need to be perfect, above all, always satisfied, i.e., the vicious cycle of avoiding what's really going on inside. etc.).

keeponriding wrote:I also use a similar reasoning. I see it as more of a coping mechanism though than invalidating others achievements.

I agree, that's how I looked at it. I didn't consciously think I was putting the other person down by thinking their accomplishment wasn't important because I could do it. It was more like an opportunity to assure myself I am capable or equal. It's hard to describe these things now because there is the "then" mindset and the "now" (how it would look to others as invalidating the other's accomplishment).

You know how some people (usually women) are good with kids and will dote on kids when they encounter them. I think it's something similar to that. A connection to something I need to validate myself (the way a woman who's kids have grown up and moved out might dote on random kids she encounters when shopping, etc.). There is something self-gratifying and validating like that. But, it has a decidedly opposite, selfish, "not giving" nature.

It's a bit different when you're a nihilist. I feel free to do as I please and ignore whichever instincts I choose, not being led by desires that don't come from myself.

I don't see any of human hierarchies as having any meaning whatsoever, but I've come to see the psychology around them as more inescapable than I might have realized initially.

I don't feel that I need to drown "myself" (whatever that means) out. I override certain instincts in the pursuit of goals, even for months or years at a time, but ultimately I acknowledge my nature.