Do they always come back into your life???

Does someone with a high level of narc. eventually come back into your life, even if you give them a "severe narc injury"?

Or are they as they claim,,,, "wronged beyond repair"?

Lack of compassion now..,,, do they ever get it later???

This is like asking do black people always come back into your life.
We're all humans and individuals. Having a disorder doesn't mean you are going to behave in a specific way at all times. There is no way to answer your question other than to mention that yes, many Ns do seem to pop back into peoples lives but far from all does that. I don't do that. If I decided someone's not worthy of my time I won't come back.

They will test the waters to see if it's possible for them to come back, or if you're even remotely interested. The choice is in your hands to allow this or not.

graveflower wrote:They will test the waters to see if it's possible for them to come back, or if you're even remotely interested. The choice is in your hands to allow this or not.

I ask this because I have a feeling the ex is holding on to the ring and some other items because she still wants to hold on to it for "later".

There was a point in the past where she said she wasn't ready for a relationship, that she would wear the ring someday in the future, but I did push her too, and even though we had a pretty serious fight the last time (about a month ago), I don't know what she is currently thinking. Maybe part of her still sees us as a couple come the later future.

What bothers me is that I am torn believing that if I just let her "heal", she would have been good for me later.

nomoreabuse wrote:I don't know what she is currently thinking. Maybe part of her still sees us as a couple come the later future.

What bothers me is that I am torn believing that if I just let her "heal", she would have been good for me later.

That's the "Echo" component of the myth of Narcissus. The myth is strangely accurate in its depiction of these traits. It's strange people saw this kind of thing thousands of years ago (when the psychological community didn't officially recognize it as a disorder until relatively recently). Anyway, the part about Echo has a similar relationship to those who become enmeshed with an N, pining for them, wondering what they're thinking, constantly expecting contact(?).

That's why I've said in a couple places I would pause and reflect about these things if I were you. If she's pathological, she's not going to have an "aha!" moment. It takes work to be capable of functioning equally with you, know her boundaries, etc. (And, if you are activated by her in a way that suggests you need some boundaries too, you need to understand that before you could be good for her too.).

If she's pathologically N, she's unlikely to recognize it in herself and will be resistant to anyone trying to show it to her. Even if she did accept you showing it to her, it would take months (many?) like I said above.

If you really feel compelled to try to reach her, you should talk to a therapist about her (and you). That would kill two birds with one stone. You could get a professional opinion about what may affect your ex. And, you'll understand if your enmeshment is unhealthy.

If she is N (or B), it's very likely she will hoover you. The best thing you could do then is send her a dispassionate explanation of your belief that N (or B) might help her understand herself if things continue not working for her. I wrote a sample for someone, which is linked to in this thread. It has to show no emotion, no "I'm torn." No anger. Nothing. Just one person to another. No contact after that. Even if she sounds like she sincerely "gets it."

I would write-off the ring. Don't answer the phone. Don't reply to emails. If you feel like you want to do something for her, make your best shot at the neutral letter (and suggesting whatever you think fits her). If you feel too enmeshed, vulnerable to the possibility (likelihood) she hoovers you (and/or you would like a more certain guess about what her problem is) see a therapist.

I think they only come back when they think you still might have something to offer them (supply). That's why sometimes when you've been discarded by one, there's no real closure--they keep you on the back burner "just in case" you might come in handy sometime for providing them with supply. Then flaunt their new sources of supply at you just to hurt you or "teach you a lesson." They might even call you from time to time just to check up on you and act all friendly. It's not real though--they're just testing the waters.

But if they've completely given up on you or you've made it clear you will not give them any further supply, be prepared for a complete D&D. In those cases, they won't come back, unless it's to enact revenge (in the case of a malignant N with ASPD traits).

Best to just let her go. It's unlikely she will spontaneously "heal" and you cannot fix her. Unless she shows self awareness of herself as an N and is unhappy about the way she treats you and others (and most aren't), she just isn't worth it. You'll be a lot happier if you tell her not to contact you.

She sent me the engagement ring back. I received it today registered mail.

I am depressed, don't know why I feel I lost a good thing. I was planning a future with her. I know I said things I shouldn't have.

Why would I feel so bad about it if I am doing the right things?

Did I lose something I should have treated better?

nomoreabuse wrote:Did I lose something I should have treated better?

I'm sorry you're having trouble accepting the situation you got into. The myth of narcissus describes NPD very well, and it's effect on others. The myth describes Echo who served a role with Narcissus. She had her own symbolic disability (unable to express her feelings, pining after Narcissus, reinviograting Narcissus's image.

As I've described in previous posts, traited people attract each other because they are both reenacting something, and they activate that "something" in a way normals don't. The best advice you can receive is to see a therapist and find out why you are so drawn to such a (toxic) person. You'll get far more benefit from that than trying to figure her out. You'll be in a much better position to help her if you are not reacting to how she pushes your unseen buttons.

She's probably waiting for you to contact her (you shouldn't). She will very likely contact you sooner or later to "test the waters." You should not respond, instead be resolved to "no contact" and keeping her out of your life. (Unless you could understand why, through therapy, she has this power over you.).

As I mentioned before, you'll probably get more support in the friends/family or relationship forum here. If you continue being curious about her instead of yourself (while believing you are seeking "nomoreabuse") there is a strong chance you'll become one of those people who return years later -- still adamant that they don't want abuse while permitting it to exist in their life.

Just a few visits with a therapist would give you a lot of insight into why you are this enmeshed with someone you believe is personality disordered. (And, the friends/family or relationship forums are full of people who've been down that path.).

I received the ring back today. That said a lot, It tells me that she is saying "we are done".

I am taking that fact and will use that as a point to begin healing. I seriously do not think she will come back now, so I have no choice. Perhaps she did it to keep her high ego at the level of "I am honest and showing you so".

nomoreabuse wrote:I received the ring back today. That said a lot, It tells me that she is saying "we are done".

I am taking that fact and will use that as a point to begin healing. I seriously do not think she will come back now, so I have no choice. Perhaps she did it to keep her high ego at the level of "I am honest and showing you so".

As I said above, if she is NPD it is part of a game-like *ritual*. There is always an underlying reason for everything. Life is a scripted play. She may have been waiting for you to ask about the ring, then saw mailing it was the "next step" to provoke you to contact her. It is all a GAME. If you don't play the game (respond, thanking her for the ring) she will contact you. It won't be civil courtesy, but PROBING for your hooks, how hooked you remain, if you can be made to *echo* the emotions which keep her mirrored image alive.

What do you think of my suggestions that you see a therapist to understand why you're so enmeshed with someone you believe is abusive (while using an ID that asserts an absolute position against such abuse)? If I'm offending you with that suggestion, I think you'll find people in the friends/family & relationships forums who've been there already. I am not shifting blame when I say that the abused often share responsibility for their abuse. That's not politically correct, but if you continue to pine for her there is something about you (your own neurosis) which is activated by her. You'll benefit far more from considering what that is and disarming it. Typically that requires the assistance of a therapist.

Good luck. I would resolve right now to be absolute, 100% no-contact. I would talk to a therapist if you really want to help your ex. The less reactive you are to her, the more you could help her (to eventually see herself, or cause her to have an immediate shatter experience.). I've written about both possibilities, but I wouldn't recommend either if you're this reactive to her.