I am a covert narcissist, is there a solution?

Hello to all,

I am a 22 years old male from Europe, a college student. And I am a covert narcissist.

I have no life direction, perhaps logically wanted but otherwise floating without direction. I have no motivation to study, because I do not get along with my peers. I used to accept every possible choir from other people and I had incredible problems with rejecting them. I have few close friends (childhood and high school), but it just seems that I can make and discard friends anywhere I want because I am willing to compromise myself in any way I want to be accepted and liked. So I have no personality and am a hippocrat and a chameleon.

I do not know how to have fun. Its like most jokes are about people (making fun out of each other), and I either do not get it or get offended (even when I know that I should not, but I just do not know how to react).

My only motivation for my life is that I want to be admired for my musical compositions. The sole motivation driving my creation is the idea and fantasizing about the moment when other people hear my music. I picture their awe and astonishment. And I want to be approved for it.

My life dream is to be the most famous Hollywood film composer, yet I have no motivation nor guts to even begin with film scoring composition because I could fail. Which happened once five years ago, the short film director told me that I do not do a good job, and I somehow fear trying it ever again out of the fear of rejection. I want to be so grandiose and have such a stutus so others could not ever abandon me.

I have abandonment issues, and now I have isolated myself from most people I knew because of knowing that they do not like me. After almost each conversation, I emotionally separate myself from others (with only my family and possibly two close friends about whom I know that I can still trust them) and make everything I can to convince myself that they did not exist (so I did not have to depend on them and so they could not leave me). It all became much worse after my girlfriend left me one year ago (a woman I considered the best I will ever have). Her and my girlfriend three years ago both told me 'that they felt and thought that I do not like them'. I can't love others.

I am incredibly sensitive to criticism (and interepret everything as it) and I do not know how to react to it (I used to always agree with others, now I prefere to be rather agressive). I feel incredibly inferior to all others even when my lifestyle is comparable. I am envious to all their relationships, possesions and interests (because they seem to EMOTIONALLY enjoy them).

There is some endless void in me, which was often filled by my relationships with women, but those who were really satysfying never lasted more than 2-3 months, and then she broke up with me. (From what I can say, when I was five years old and my sister was born, I became very sad for my mother leaving me and all my family confirmed that for few months I was very very sad (like without any happy expression, so it could be the original narcissistic injury.)

In sex, I just feel that I want to use sexually everyone around myself. I want them all. Its the endless narcissistic supply fantasy. Ideally having them in my bed, tenths of women in one row, without even knowing their name. I consider this my ultimate fullfilment.

Since I was able to work, I was pursuing money only and considered the idea that what cant be buyed by money has no meaning for the society (capitalism).

Two years ago, I chose to work in computer field, I study computer science, so I did not have to work with people and their emotions.


What can I do? Does this all seem real to you? Do I make it all up?

I study narcissism now for year and a half, I read many books, many articles and academic papers. From some reason, I am obsessed with solving it.

I don't think I was ever as down on myself as you sound; even at 22yo. And I was blundering along though life back then. I wanted to be a aeronautical engineer. Now I don't care what I do; as long as I do it to perfection. Lots of CNs work in the music and computer fields, btw. You could start by setting up an Internet forum just for Covert Narcissists. I wouldn't have a clue how to. Or a dating site, even! A CN girlfriend would be the best medicine, I think. Do you see a therapist or take any medication?

And, I've always taken the view that if you really want something in life, you will get it eventually. I'm ever the optimist!

I do not take any medication, generally I have no depression, simply lack of motivation (to study / to be social / to have a partner, why bother?).

I considered seeing a therapist to discuss this (so far I mostly only met few career specialists to discuss my life heading with), yet the situation in Europe is little different than in US, its still rather weird to go to a therapist here. And I mostly do not trust that I could find someone who would get what I want to say from few meetings. Am I wrong?

The thing is, that my last girlfriend (one year ago as I mentionned), was, in my best opinion, a covert narcissist as well. Artistic, musical, very intelligent, yet still young (17 at that age so without much relationship experiences).

The thing is that neither of us was willing to emotionally open first and to trust (I know that I must do it, logically, but emotionally I just can't). So my opinion is that out of her not feeling that I like her (first), she broke up with me (now I think that we were both trying to subtly manipulate each other so they would open emotionally first, so they would feel secure). We were really similar in many ways.

An internet forum for CNs is an interesting idea.

Dada00007 wrote:I am a covert narcissist.

What can I do? Does this all seem real to you? Do I make it all up?

I study narcissism now for year and a half, I read many books, many articles and academic papers. From some reason, I am obsessed with solving it.

Welcome. I identified with cNPD in a similar manner, but older. If you're this accepting of your self-diagnosis (i.e., not fighting it) it shouldn't be too difficult to talk about it with a therapist and get a pretty quick idea if you're on the right track, what options are available to you.

I feel pretty certain about my self diagnosis because I have decades of experience to go by. But, at your age it would be a setback if you are seeing yourself incorrectly, or not making use of the best therapy to improve. If money's not an issue, you should talk to a therapist. If you are NPD, you've done the hard work of seeing it and being receptive to it. It should go well (as open as you are; better than do-it-yourself).

One thing which helped me was something I read in Sam Vaknin's 9-part "World of the Narcissist" essay. It warned that an N can let their diagnosis become their "narrative" (their maladaptive identity). Your comment about being obsessed with solving it stood out to me in that way. That would be a reason to talk to a therapist, if you're that passionate about it (as well as open). What I mean is, you might gravitate to DIY because it's a challenging puzzle, or you trust your judgement (which is grandiosity itself, trusting yourself when you think you're disordered in a way that would cause you to trust yourself. )

Truth too late wrote: it shouldn't be too difficult to talk about it with a therapist and get a pretty quick idea if you're on the right track, what options are available to you.

I will consider it. Yet I still fear that therapists may not be exactly familiar with the COVERT narcissism. Should I go by this and ask if they are specialised in this area?

Truth too late wrote:It warned that an N can let their diagnosis become their "narrative" (their maladaptive identity). Your comment about being obsessed with solving it stood out to me in that way.

This is what I fear as well. That instead of living my life (which could be satysfying), I got addicted to solving a theoretical puzzle which in itself does not really have to be my diagnosis. Yet I ask why I would be so bothered and intrigued by it for so long, if it was not about me. Am I seeing it right?

How did you come to your own diagnosis, Truth too late? (Can you give me a link to some of your topics, perhaps?)


(PS: Currently I am getting entitled and happy 'for how many viewers this topic of mine has'. Happy for people 'reading about my problems' (covert narcissism itself, wanting others to pitty me?)).

Dada00007 wrote:Should I go by this and ask if they are specialised in this area?

Yes, I would say that I have a fairly certain opinion that I an cNPD; I want to find out what my actual problem is, but would want to be certain the therapist is experienced/qualified to say it is not cNPD (so you wouldn't second-guess a different diagnosis.). They should understand that. From there it might be awkward balancing between explaining why you identify with it, versus letting the therapist explore other avenues. (Trusting, not letting your awareness get in the way.).

Dada00007 wrote:Yet I ask why I would be so bothered and intrigued by it for so long, if it was not about me. Am I seeing it right?

Maybe you're obsessive compulsive (OCD?). Or, a co-dependent and you're serving your covert N girlfriend's needs? (Maybe she's activating you in some way through transference?) I'm making stuff up now. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But... you get the point. Our minds can do strange things to prevent us from reaching what needs to be reached.

I used to trait-surf the web to expand my knowledge of psychological topics because I knew (at some level) something was wrong. I *always* skipped past NPD because I thought I knew what that meant. I think my mind didn't let me go there. It lied to me? (Maybe it was just ignorance. But, it seems strange. Years of trait surfing, developing a fine repertoire to pathologize everyone else -- and I consistently skipped NPD.).

open your throat chakra + heart chakra

some of the subjects of the throat chakra
are

understanding, communication, self-communication

you seem like someone that is strict with communication, and because of that, you dont express fully

narcissism is just a chakra blockage

it might look silly

do reiki on your throat ,

stop viewing verbal abuse as normal, communication should be health


being neglected also close , you know why:

because in neglect, you dont feel heard


the biggest cause of narcissism = not viewing abuse through communication as outrageous

dont be too receptive in a closed throat chakra , that uses speech as a tool of abuse forum

shamming, saying things that are annoying are forms of abuse

using speech as manipulation tool is a form of blocking your expression

also, not expressing anger when it arises (better to keep silence than talking with lies)]

but i recommend reflecting on the fact you might be very repressed

also using speech to dominate others is the worst abuse to throat i think

how familiar are you, with being abused

you shouldnt be

reflect on what i said, you will get cured

dont turn your face to the truth, most narcissists use their communication and speech to put a domination situation, please be aware of that

Truth too late wrote:Maybe you're obsessive compulsive (OCD?). Or, a co-dependent and you're serving your covert N girlfriend's needs? (Maybe she's activating you in some way through transference?) I'm making stuff up now. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But... you get the point. Our minds can do strange things to prevent us from reaching what needs to be reached.

Yes, I see your point. I sure am fascinated by psychological theories and enjoy learning them.

Dada00007 wrote:yet the situation in Europe is little different than in US, its still rather weird to go to a therapist here.

not in my europe.

And I mostly do not trust that I could find someone who would get what I want to say from few meetings. Am I wrong?

if you want a complete cure you will have first of all the problem of finding the therapeutic approach because there is no specialized one. sft is supposed to be helpful but not necessarily covered by public healthcare, tfp is probably not even around and takes about 10 years, same goes for masterson-based therapy. apart from that when you want to work on tangential stuff its not necessarily essential for the therapist to understand your deepest stuff.