Core split of my NPD

After months of denial and utter suffering, I now see why.I developed NPD. It was not a progress, had no emotional background, it happened in just one moment somewhere in 2006.

I always wanted to be a rapper, and I went through a lot of struggle in childhoo. As I grew up and things got better and I realized my childhood wasnt that unique and others had bad or even a lot worse childhood and overall family background than me, I sensed that this identity should go. It served me, now it is a different time.

But instead of keeping my core emotional dreams and find a new identity at 20, I did something that literally broke my psyche.

I did something I couldnt admit myself I am doing it because it was such ridiculous and shameful that I did not just didnt tell others, I did not even tell it to myself.

This created an irreversible break in me. A part of my psyche started to hide forever and run me. It was imppssible to ever go back even after an hour because I think I could not bear the same. A part of me disintegrated forever.

What you dont admit to yourself, you keep doing. It is psychology 101.

So I had two choices: keep doing what I do or admit it and die out of shame.

What did I do? Since my life wasnt dramatic anymore, I started to intentionally create drama so I can rap about it.

It is utterly idiotic, shameful, ridiculous. No human being could admit it and live on with pride. So my false self set on, and destroyed my life.

Do you mind telling us what was so shameful that it made you disintegrate? I am really curious, so, if you do not want to share it publicly then please pm me.

Thanks

I intentionally generated bad events in my life ao I have.more drama to rap about.

SamGabor wrote:I intentionally generated bad events in my life ao I have.more drama to rap about.

If I recall correctly, you haven't been to a therapist(?) Have you thought about how HPD fits (or doesn't)? I'm sure you have strong, settled reasons for identifying with NPD. But, reading this about creating drama to act out the "bad boy" made me think: histrionic.

I've read that the difference between H and N behavior is coquettish'ness, suggesting playful sexual seduction. But, Millon's subtypes shows other varieties, like theatrical and tempestuous.

Rap makes me think of those two things. But, that could be because it's a new forum of communication to me. I suppose any music could be said to be theatrical and tempestuous.

It is unfair. I made one single bad decision which could nnot be reversed once I did it. Others make millions of mistakes and they get away with it, solve it and come out stronger. I made one bad decision in one moment and my life was destined to be ruined. It is unfair.

SamGabor wrote:It is unfair. I made one single bad decision which could nnot be reversed once I did it. Others make millions of mistakes and they get away with it, solve it and come out stronger. I made one bad decision in one moment and my life was destined to be ruined. It is unfair.

If you were replying to me, I don't think one bad decision makes a personality disorder. If there's more to it, I just wondered if it might be more in the realm of attention getting. I know I self-sabotaged and created drama. But, for a specific "expression" (like, to be seen as a rapper), I wondered if that might be more in the attention-getting real (like HPD). I wondered if you considered it in that light?

I disagree with that. I think your actions modify your true self. Once you start an action, your true self and your inner pride gets modified. Either you become proud of it or you gets ashamed. When you start to act in a certain way in order to put up an image, that becomes inseparable from your true self.

When these actions are very shameful, your true self gets shame. If the action is utterly shameful you may even dissociate from your real self. It doesn't really matter what you actually do in the physical world, because those can be corrected by re-interpretation or self-forgiving.

But once you dissociate from the action itself, you are on downhill. Narcissists usually replace this inner pain by what they gain as narcissistic supply from the action.

This is why narcissistic actions are very destructive. They destroy the true self and at the same time move your attention away from it with narcissistic supply. You are swimming in "happiness" while your true self cries.

SamGabor wrote:Once you start an action, your true self and your inner pride gets modified.

Is it possible your true self and inner pride already had a deficiency and that's the reason the action got started? (Because, seriously, I don't believe one choice relatively late in life is a PD. If you're suffering from more than one choice, then maybe it's not a "choice" like you beat yourself up for.).

Do you require perfection of your TS and inner pride? IMO, if your TS were shot, you wouldn't have the sensitivity nor will to recognize the bad choice.

Is it possible you something like adjustment disorder is at work?

This is why narcissistic actions are very destructive. They destroy the true self and at the same time move your attention away from it with narcissistic supply. You are swimming in "happiness" while your true self cries.

Novocaine of the psyche. I think you hit the core of the conundrum. What does a solution appear to be the most likely course of action?

Truth too late wrote:

SamGabor wrote:Once you start an action, your true self and your inner pride gets modified.

Is it possible your true self and inner pride already had a deficiency and that's the reason the action got started? (Because, seriously, I don't believe one choice relatively late in life is a PD. If you're suffering from more than one choice, then maybe it's not a "choice" like you beat yourself up for.).

D

You are always being too kind to me. No, my true self was okay. It was a simple stupid immature choice. It did not develop out of pain or something. Just a moment of choice.