My 6 point regimen to heal from NPD and BPD

So I've finally cobbled together a program for healing that seems to be working for me so far.

Obviously, I’d prefer to have a psychodynamic therapist who specializes in reparenting people with NPD/BPD, but without insurance or easy access to such a therapist (volunteering as a “guinea pig” in a university psychology department would require me to travel outside my area, but if you live in a large city this may be an option), I decided to take on the work of healing myself of my disorders.

It is possible, no matter what anyone tells you. After the wonderful thing that happened to me yesterday (feeling warm, emotional empathy for someone), I really think I can heal myself, and I don’t think I’m being grandiose when I say that either.

A sort of programme for healing my NPD and BPD has gelled together. For me, these 6 things seem to be working so far. It’s my hope that these things can help someone else too.

1. Self-reparenting.

This requires time alone, with no interruptions. Usually I play soft music that stirs my emotions, which work as an icebreaker for maximum vulnerability. Sometimes i do this while taking a long warm bath with fragrant essences, or in my room with a light blanket or sheet covering me and soft music playing and a scented candle burning. I spend a few minutes meditating and trying to clear my mind of worries, then begin a dialogue with my inner child (true self). I tell her she is loved and didn’t deserve to be treated the way she was and there was never a need to go into hiding. I tell her I was sorry for rejecting her too. I imagine myself as her parent and hold myself the way I would have wanted to be held. I imagine her talking back to me, telling me about the hurts she has suffered and I find I can empathize with her (because she is me). This exercise is VERY emotional and usually results in tears. That’s perfectly fine; in fact it’s desireable. I can feel something hard and cold melting away and I feel my TS becoming more courageous and she’s coming out more and more frequently than she ever did before.

Before undertaking any kind of self-reparenting, I recommend reading James F. Masterson’s books on treating people with borderline and narcissistic disorders. There are quite a few; they can be ordered through Amazon.
If possible, talk to a mental health professional before undertaking this sort of self-therapy, because it can be very emotionally intense.

2. Blogging and writing.

Healing requires me to write about my emotional experiences and important things I have found out about my disorders every day. Just as I did with my first blog, which helped me to cope with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, once the dust settled from my shattering discovery of myself as cNPD, ultimately I was inspired to start a new blog, which is meant as a platform for my own self-healing and therapy and hopefully, a place where other people like myself–self aware borderlines and narcissists–can come to get support and find some inspiration or ideas. That’s my hope anyway. (This isn't a plug for my blog, I promise! but it is part of my regimen).

3. Mindfulness.

I learned mindfulness skills from my DBT training for BPD when I was hospitalized in 1996. About 6 months ago I pulled out my Marsha Linehan’s DBT skills training manual and have been practicing the exercises. It’s not hard for me anymore to practice mindfulness to avoid jumping to wrong conclusions, acting out, “going off” on someone, and creating unnecessary drama. I find that handling small tangible objects, especially when I feel stressed, are very soothing and help me center myself. I have a collection of such objects I really like and that help remind me to stay mindful at all times. DBT skills, while developed for people with BPD, seem to be working on my narcissistic traits as well. We can choose not to act out in ways that hurt others by being conscious of our own actions.
Since I became self-aware, it’s gotten easier for me to be mindful because self-awareness gives you the ability to see yourself as others see you, so it’s almost second nature to monitor myself. I don’t have to think about it too much.

4. Chakra balancing.

I won’t go into too much detail about this here. Basically, I meditate to a CD called “Light Music” (you can order from the UM Light Center in Black Mountain, NC) which focuses on each of the seven chakras, in order from lowest to highest. I focus on my breathing, and imagine each intake of air pulling in unconditional love, and each exhale expelling envy, hate, and other toxic emotions that have always held me back. I pay particularly close attention to the third (solar plexus) chakra (power and competence), because that’s the weakest chakra for people with narcissism (overt narcissists overcompensate for its weakness by acting grandiose and arrogant). The heart (4th) chakra gets a good workout too, since we’re so disconnected from our true feelings. As you might expect, I have the most intense emotional reaction to the solar plexus chakra segment, and always feel wonderful when my sessions are over.

5. Prayer.

I believe narcissism is at least in part a spiritual disorder, so whenever I have a chance I spend some time talking to God, asking him to remove my BPD and cNPD, and help me to be the person he meant for me to be. I’ve found two things are important when in prayer: always ask how to be of service to God (you are not trying to be a God yourself–that’s part of our problem!); and always thank him for the insights you’ve already received. Whatever God has planned for you, is the best thing for you. Trust him. All my life I wondered what my purpose was (I seriously thought it was to be an example to everyone else of how NOT to be!) and now a picture is forming of what my purpose in this world is. It’s not at ALL what I expected, but is more wonderful than I could have imagined. I’m not ready to talk about it yet though, but in time I will.

If you don’t believe in God, that’s okay. Pray (or talk to) a Higher Power, or the Universe if you wish. This isn’t a religious exercise; it’s simply an acknowledgement that there is something more powerful than ourselves in the universe who can guide us to be everything we were meant to be.

6. Embracing vulnerability.

This will be the hardest part and at first you may not be able to do it. But after awhile of doing the first five things (you don’t have to do them exactly the way I do–or you may find your own techniques for healing) it gets easier. For a narcissist, vulnerability is what we rejected when we rejected the True Self. The irony is it’s also the key to unlocking the prison of our narcissism. To get started, I recommend watching Brene Brown’s “Power of Vulnerability” (and all her other videos about shame and vulnerability).

I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the fact this stuff is actually working! But why question it?
If you decide on a DIY "skeleton transplant" (that's what I liken healing NPD to, lol) make sure to not over do it. It's easily to get emotionally overwhelmed so make sure to take breaks and do other things. Your programme may differ from mine, but this is working for me. I'm much more in touch with my real emotions than I ever was.

Ladywith3cats... you are so far along in your recovery. From some of your posts I wonder if you really have true NPD. You seem very connected with your emotions. As emotional as I can get, I haven't cried since I was a teenager, I don't think I have that ability anymore

spacey wrote:Ladywith3cats... you are so far along in your recovery. From some of your posts I wonder if you really have true NPD. You seem very connected with your emotions. As emotional as I can get, I haven't cried since I was a teenager, I don't think I have that ability anymore

I had a bit of a head start even before I was self aware, since I'd already been doing a lot of these things for my BPD. Writing a lot probably helped more than anything.

I never got dx'd with NPD, but most women probably don't. I do have a BPD dx though and that's close enough. I'm still not as connected with my emotions as I'd like to be, but I used to be completely disconnected. I know I have NPD though (covert type), because of the way my realization came about, and suddenly being able to see things about myself I couldn't see before...that were VERY narcissistic, especially the hidden grandiosity/resentment/envy and sometimes entitlement. But as a covert, I hid it. It was like, as Truth Too Late says, I was given the roadmap...but I was already on the road even before becoming self aware.

I think all PD's are really complex PTSD that started earlier and were due to chronic, long term abuse rather than a single traumatic incident. The DSM doesn't recognize C-PTSD a a real disorder though.

You say you have no ability to cry or feel your emotions anymore. I thought the same thing but found out that was wrong. You're still a human being and all human beings have feelings even if they think they don't. It's still not always easy to access them though. It gets easier over time. The key is a willingness to embrace being vulnerable--which is exactly what we discarded when the FS was adopted. I'm not sure how to tell you to do that, you might have to find your own way but these tools helped me a lot.
My advice would be, find the one thing or two things that make you a little emotional--maybe it's watching a sad movie or listening to some music that stirs your emotions...then go from there.

Kind of eerie as it sounds soo familiar. If PD's and even NPD has an element of C-PTSD, then I think I understand why I seemed to intuitively know what the N was doing, felt and was. Been there, done that but due to some real terrible situations in my life, I was forced to face much of it in my mid to late 20's. I had no choice BUT to delve into what was wrong with me. And I happened to be the tenant of a therapist who I went to talk to briefly and he told me I needed help. So I did.

And yes, what you are doing IS the right track for healing dissociative disorders and fragmentation. I went deep into the reparenting... even to the point of getting a baby bottle! I thought I had addressed much of it but the recent encounter with an N really showed me some incredible cut off parts I didn't even know were there and that while I had rebirthed alot of emotions, I had far more that were still beyond my ability to feel But the grandiose parts were not a part of me for the past 20 years as I had to address them ages ago.

I used to "talk" to all those aliens in me... talk soothingly, be kind and gentle and loving. I would have internal discussions when I was in social situations and even went as far as artificially naming the parts to identify all the walled of 'me's' that I was dragging around. Good job if it is working.

livingnlearing2 wrote:Kind of eerie as it sounds soo familiar. If PD's and even NPD has an element of C-PTSD, then I think I understand why I seemed to intuitively know what the N was doing, felt and was. Been there, done that but due to some real terrible situations in my life, I was forced to face much of it in my mid to late 20's. I had no choice BUT to delve into what was wrong with me. And I happened to be the tenant of a therapist who I went to talk to briefly and he told me I needed help. So I did.

And yes, what you are doing IS the right track for healing dissociative disorders and fragmentation. I went deep into the reparenting... even to the point of getting a baby bottle! I thought I had addressed much of it but the recent encounter with an N really showed me some incredible cut off parts I didn't even know were there and that while I had rebirthed alot of emotions, I had far more that were still beyond my ability to feel But the grandiose parts were not a part of me for the past 20 years as I had to address them ages ago.

I used to "talk" to all those aliens in me... talk soothingly, be kind and gentle and loving. I would have internal discussions when I was in social situations and even went as far as artificially naming the parts to identify all the walled of 'me's' that I was dragging around. Good job if it is working.

A baby bottle? Well, okay, if that works. I can see that. What I do is probably as strange but it works. (I swaddle myself in sheets, naked, and talk to myself). It works too well actually. It's happening too fast. I need to regroup, take breaks. This stuff is really, REALLY intense. I'm serious about that. If anyone wants to try this, be prepared for a LOT of emotional upheaval and pain that's worse than having teeth pulled without anesthetic. I have to be crazy to be doing this without a therapist. But I have no other choice.

Right now, I'm very depressed. I wrote about that on another thread. I know that's part of the deal. I just have to keep working through it and accept all these feelings.

As far as my technique, I'd read a lot about it before I came up with my patchwork program that works for me. But a lot of it was instinctual too--just knowing certain things felt "right" and being open to them, even if they're weird.

I'm really starting to think NPD is a dissociative disorder (and that all PD's are really complex PTSD).

Yes, it is a VERY strange thing to do. And at first, it was done from a very dispassionate place. Like I was watching myself do it. For me, the whole point was to get comfortable with being vulnerable, being cared for, seen, held. nurtured. And it was hard as heck to do. The trauma of my life had driven out any and all feelings of gentleness and softness. I was a bystander in my own life much of the time. Anything that got me to physically and sensually come back into my body and return normal biological responses were tried. Rocking, oral things, cuddling in blankets, even talking in a baby voice. Anything that gave me PERMISSION to be the vulnerable child I never felt I could be. I have an 8 year old and she is very whole, very self-aware and she knows how to do this insitinctively. She often uses a baby voice when she needs to be loved and held and feels vulnerable. It hasn't been destroyed by shame and abuse. So if anyone was shut down very, very young, then they missed out of what would have been years of slowly growing out of our vulnerable child selves in a natural process rather than just shut down harshly.

livingnlearing2 wrote:Yes, it is a VERY strange thing to do. And at first, it was done from a very dispassionate place. Like I was watching myself do it. For me, the whole point was to get comfortable with being vulnerable, being cared for, seen, held. nurtured. And it was hard as heck to do. The trauma of my life had driven out any and all feelings of gentleness and softness. I was a bystander in my own life much of the time. Anything that got me to physically and sensually come back into my body and return normal biological responses were tried. Rocking, oral things, cuddling in blankets, even talking in a baby voice. Anything that gave me PERMISSION to be the vulnerable child I never felt I could be. I have an 8 year old and she is very whole, very self-aware and she knows how to do this insitinctively. She often uses a baby voice when she needs to be loved and held and feels vulnerable. It hasn't been destroyed by shame and abuse. So if anyone was shut down very, very young, then they missed out of what would have been years of slowly growing out of our vulnerable child selves in a natural process rather than just shut down harshly.

That's wonderful your daughter is so self aware and together. You sound like a good parent to her too. (are you N yourself or suffer from some other disorder?) I think my own kids turned out pretty well in spite of having a MN psychopathic dad and a covert N/BPD codependent mother. My daughter does have BPD but in the past year has really been making some positive changes and growing up, making good choices. It was touch and go there with her for awhile. She and I are are great friends, and enjoy each other's company. She knows I love her dearly and I've apologized for my part in her psychological problems. As for my son, he left home early -- living with a local police officer and her son from the age of 17 -- moved back in briefly, then moved to another state almost the day he turned 18. He is doing well, and does not appear to have any PD's--but he does have OCD and hypochondria. If he escaped with only a couple of neuroses from all of that, he is very fortunate. But my son and I were always close--he blames his dad more than he blames me. He perceived me as having enabled him (which is absolutely true) and being too weak to resist his manipulations. But no, it was not a healthy situation for him and a part of me was glad he made that choice to leave home so soon, even though I was hurt by it.

I remember reading a book by Wally Lamb called "She's Come Undone." It's about a woman who undergoes long term therapy for depression due to what's probably PTSD (her disorder wasn't actually named in the book) caused by rape. The story takes place in the 1960s, when many psychologists were experimenting with alternative, "weird" therapies. In the book, the therapist has her swimming naked in a heated pool (nothing sexual there) to simulate the womb. When he feels like she's ready, she is "born again" and told to come out of the pool. There's a lot of non-sexual holding, nurturing, treating her like an infant, then eventually a small child, until she "becomes an adult" again. These simulated-infant scenarios do work. I think one of the reasons they're not commonly used or discussed is because this type of therapy often involves touching or holding, and there's a fear of lawsuits because it could easily be mistaken for sexual abuse. I know there's a waiver some therapists can have a patient sign to allow "limited touch" and this is often done in professional reparenting therapy.

Ladywith3cats wrote:These simulated-infant scenarios do work. I think one of the reasons they're not commonly used or discussed is because this type of therapy often involves touching or holding, and there's a fear of lawsuits because it could easily be mistaken for sexual abuse. I know there's a waiver some therapists can have a patient sign to allow "limited touch" and this is often done in professional reparenting therapy.

It's funny you mention that because since I've been more attentive to what I perceive to be my TS, and how my FS creates fear in the TS, I *remembered* a woman I worked with when I was 22'ish who told me 2-3 times that I needed to be held and re-experience that experience as an infant. She was my dad's age (and knew my dad), so I was pretty weirded out about that. I thought she was being pervy. But, I remember, I always felt she knew something too (because she knew my dad. There was a common silence in my family about something from my childhood. It was reluctantly talked about.).

That came to mind a month ago. And a couple more times. Like, "wow, she probably did know something and was right." But, I didn't know that kind of therapy exists. It still seemed far-fetched. Now that I see it does apparently exist, it seems more likely she knew something.

I am definitely not doing that kind of therapy. Unless "mom" is 20, I'm sticking with what works for me:

Truth too late wrote:It's funny you mention that because since I've been more attentive to what I perceive to be my TS, and how my FS creates fear in the TS, I *remembered* a woman I worked with when I was 22'ish who told me 2-3 times that I needed to be held and re-experience that experience as an infant. She was my dad's age (and knew my dad), so I was pretty weirded out about that. I thought she was being pervy. But, I remember, I always felt she knew something too (because she knew my dad. There was a common silence in my family about something from my childhood. It was reluctantly talked about.).

That came to mind a month ago. And a couple more times. Like, "wow, she probably did know something and was right." But, I didn't know that kind of therapy exists. It still seemed far-fetched. Now that I see it does apparently exist, it seems more likely she knew something.

I am definitely not doing that kind of therapy. Unless "mom" is 20, I'm sticking with what works for me:

LOL!

I actually would be weirded out by being held by a therapist too. Even another woman. I would have to work toward getting over my squeamishness about that. I've never felt comfortable having physical contact with others (with certain exceptions made for sexual/romantic relationships and when my children were babies and toddlers) and especially making myself so vulnerable while another person holds me. I couldn't do it. I would like to *work* toward being able to be physically close with someone in a nonsexual, emotionally vulnerable way, but that in itself would require therapy for me to even reach that point. I'm still so closed off from others. Right now, it's still very hard for me to allow myself to become vulnerable in front of other people, even those I think I trust (and I don't really trust anyone). I would feel the same way about physically holding someone else that way.

I can't cry in front of others either. When I was in therapy, I never actually cried. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I've gotten pretty good at crying alone though, and allowing myself to feel all these painful emotions. Being able to do this is absolutely necessary to healing, but I couldn't do it in front of anyone else and that in itself would require therapy just to get me to that point.

I think that's another reason why I'm undertaking this therapy alone. Alone, I can allow myself to be completely vulnerable, without any sense of shame or embarrassment, as I would experience with a therapist.

Ladywith3cats wrote:I've never felt comfortable having physical contact with others

I can relate to that. I have (always) tensed up if a coworker or acquaintance touched me. It was an convulsive reflex. It was like all my hypervigilance rose instantly to maximum alert.

So many things I thought were mamby-pamby about psychology and therapy, but it's all real. That is one of the bigger and recurring surprises. How stuff you don't remember can affect you, how things like touch or re-enactment can bring it out.

Ladywith3cats wrote:I think that's another reason why I'm undertaking this therapy alone. Alone, I can allow myself to be completely vulnerable, without any sense of shame or embarrassment, as I would experience with a therapist.

I agree. I would have never let anyone explore my landscape before I had some ideas about what was there. But, knowing what I do now, I regret not giving up when I was younger, going to therapy. Being at this stage of life, it seems plenty good compared to where I was. (I might see a therapist one of these days.). When I was younger I didn't know what was wrong. I don't know what that would have been like to have it discovered by someone else, knowing how bad it was/is now.

For example, without a doubt I know I could have been Casey Anthony (believed to have murdered her daughter in order to have her party life back, had her family wrapped around her finger). It was difficult enough to see that having a lifetime of experience viewed through the lens of cNPD. I can't imagine a therapist leading me to that before I had the life experience.