I got my "instruction manual" today!

I know I haven't posted here in a few days and feel a little presumptuous/grandiose (?) even starting a new topic right now since I haven't contributed much lately, but my experience today was so incredible I really wanted to share it. I hope it might be of help to someone too. You never know!

Today I decided to take the long drive to Black Mountain, North Carolina (about 40 miles from where I live) to visit The United Research Light Center. The first time I went to this spiritual healing center in the beautiful Black Mountains (part of the Blue Ridge), I had just started my blog about narcissistic abuse and was nowhere near self-aware yet. I had some incredible insights both that first time and the second time I went, but nothing like what happened today.

I was very new in my healing journey the first time I attended The Light Center in September 2014, and my first blog (after getting all the narcs out of my life who were holding me back) was just one week old. Following that first visit, I became much more dedicated to self-healing through writing and began to play with the idea that God really did exist and–surprise!–might even love me (I had been agnostic up to this point).

The second time I went was on July 22 of this year. Very shortly afterwards I fell into the panicky anxiety, dissociation, and depression that preceded my trip down the rabbit hole a few weeks ago and sudden awakening to self-awareness of myself as a covert narcissist. Prior to this, I felt like I was stagnating and had been running out of new ideas and even beginning to lose interest in writing and blogging. I mistook this unpleasant prodromal phase of dawning self awareness as a return to my prior state of chronic self-loathing and depression. I had no idea what was about to occur and these painful emotions were my “dark night of the soul.”

I understand now I could go no further in this journey of healing without that self-awareness, because the first part of my journey was complete. That’s why I had felt like I was stagnating and not able to move forward.

Since I fell down the rabbit hole to self awareness, it’s like the new ideas and amazing insights I’m having into myself and my place in this world can’t come fast enough–I even had to start a new blog to document this second part of my journey and help me understand and process my new insights.

All services at the Light Center are free of charge, and it’s open 24/7. My favorite are the chakra balancing/alignment sessions given in The Light Room, which is a small soundproofed room filled with comfortable chairs, blankets and pillows. Chakra balancing sessions last about 40 minutes and are accompanied by the beautiful synthesized music of composer Richard Shulman, who created this music for the Center. The music is in seven parts, each focusing on the seven chakras, starting with the root chakra (base of the spine; groundedness) and ending with the Crown chakra (top of the head; connection to the Divine). The chakras are real and correspond to the the physical endocrine system, located along the spinal cord. They are composed of energy, and both physical and mental problems arise when the chakras are blocked, out of balance, or not connected with each other.

For narcissists, the chakra that is weakest is the solar plexus (third) chakra (I would have thought it was the heart, but the lower chakras must be functional in order for the higher chakras to do their work properly). And in keeping with that, in today’s session, I reacted the most strongly and had the most profound insights during the part of the program that focused on the third chakra.

When the 40 minute program was finished, I realized I had been given my “instruction manual” for healing from cNPD/BPD. I know this sounds horribly grandiose of me, but I almost felt like Moses descending Mt. Sinai with the Ten Commandments! Today I descended a beautiful green mountain with a set of “commandments” I needed to obey in order to heal myself of my disorders.

I would like to take a little time describing what happened in that room and what my thoughts and feelings were as each of my chakras were touched by the light and music (each color and piece of music corresponding to a different chakra) because it’s the only way I can describe how I came to realize this was my “roadmap” of healing.

Prior to entering the Light Room I said a prayer for healing and protection in the little chapel upstairs.

The Lower Chakras.

1. Root Chakra (groundedness; physical needs): color: red.
As I settled in my chair and relaxed, I breathed in the red light and music, focusing my thoughts on the base of my spine and praying for the ability to stay grounded in reality, no matter how lofty my insights might become later on. Groundedness is absolutely necessary to stay in the here and now, and to be able to process higher states of consciousness and awareness without the risk of experiencing too much mental or emotional overwhelm and turmoil or suffering a psychotic break.

2. Sacral Chakra (emotion; sexuality): color: orange.
Focusing on the groin and pelvic area, I prayed and meditated on the the ability to experience all my emotions in appropriate ways, and for destruction of the mental wall of my false self that keeps me from being able to access them or release them when I want or need to. I also thanked God for the recent loosening of my emotional numbness that’s been achieved by my forcing myself to always be honest about my feelings whenever I write. But I still have a long, long way to go.

3. Solar Plexus Chakra (power; competence): color: yellow.
This is when the emotional dam broke. Even before I knew I was cNPD, I always knew I had serious problems with this particular chakra, always feeling so powerless, unworthy, and incompetent. (For grandiose narcissists, this chakra is also blocked or not functioning properly, but the narcissist will overcompensate for this by acting grandiose and entitled).

Probably for this reason, the music corresponding to this chakra (in the key of E) resonated strongly with me. I felt a tightness in the pit of my stomach, just below my navel (the solar plexus) which is where I sense my True Self resides. Suddenly I felt an upwelling of sadness and grief over this lost child, and tears streamed silently down my cheeks. I didn’t wipe them away but let them fall like a healing rain, telling this child she was enough, she was always enough, she was more than enough. I told her she had been lied to and what happened to her was not her fault but that she hadn’t been mirrored appropriately or loved enough to to grow into who she was meant to be. I imagined myself holding her like a loving mother would and I promised her that one day soon we would be one, and that she had so much goodness to give back to the world and she didn’t need to hide behind a False Self all the time.
I was a mess by now but I didn’t care. I felt so present in the moment and felt God’s love surrounding me and doing his healing work in me.

4. Heart Chakra (unconditional love; empathy; connectedness): color: green
I focused my breathing on the center of my chest and with each intake of air, asked God to give me the ability to feel the same way toward others I had felt toward my inner child True Self a few minutes earlier. With each breath out, I imagined my hidden rage, bitterness and envy being released, never to return. I felt a kind of pain, but the pain was weird because it was also pleasurable, similar to the way picking at a loose tooth can “hurt so good.”

The Higher Chakras.

5. Throat Chakra (communication; finding your “voice”): color: blue
I think in the past year, I’ve developed this chakra significantly through writing and now it works fairly well, but I know now what I want to communicate is far more than what I thought I wanted to communicate when I first started to blog. I focused on being able to use any new insights to help others, as well as myself, through communicating through my “voice,” even if that voice was only in written form. I also prayed for the ability to lose my shyness and fear of using my actual physical voice to communicate my thoughts, insight, needs, and feelings with others.
I became very emotional during this segment too.

6. Third Eye Chakra (insight, intuition, “knowing” through senses outside the 5 physical ones): color: indigo
Focusing on the spot in the center of my forehead (the “third eye”) I prayed for insights or at least the ability to further process the insights I’ve already had until God is ready to show me more about myself and my relationships with others and the world. I thanked God for showing me what he already has shown me and communicated how blessed I felt this has happened. I realized how much I’m learning to trust his judgment over my own need to “always be in control.”

7. Crown Chakra (connectedness with the divine; higher consciousness): color: violet.
I prayed for spiritual awareness and again gave thanks for the spiritual growth I’m undergoing and my recent awakening to self-awareness.

After the lights went out and the program was over, I got up from my seat and stretched as if waking up. I felt energized, emotional and somewhat euphoric all at once. I went into the reception area and purchased a CD of Richard Shulman’s chakra music (which was the same music that played during the balancing session).

Driving home back down the mountain, I played the CD of Richard Shulman's music I had just heard in the Light Room and everything I’d experienced began to make sense. Each lesson I had been given for each of the chakras naturally led to the next, like a step by step instruction manual for ridding myself of narcissism.

I looked at the late summer foliage of the cathedral-like tunnel of tall trees gracing the road. Some of the trees looked tired, dull and past their prime–and almost ready to sleep for another winter. I felt a kind of empathy for the trees and plants, and for all nature, and suddenly I knew the capacity for real empathy was in me, and had always been in me. I always had access to it, but you must choose it.

Empathy is unconditional love.
I knew that the only thing keeping me trapped in the prison of my narcissism was fear, and to let go of fear was to embrace love.

Other people, like Tony Brown, who have healed from narcissism have reached this same conclusion.

But letting go of fear isn’t going to be easy. Oh, no. In fact, I think it’s going to be the hardest and scariest part of my journey to wellness, but I’m ready. I have my roadmap now.

My Roadmap.

So here it is. These are the steps I must follow to rid myself of cNPD and BPD.

1. Ground yourself in the present and in physical reality.(This is VERY important!)
2. Embrace emotional vulnerability and openness.
3. Reassure your True Self that he/she is enough and always has been enough. Your TS has always had the power to be happy and emotionally healthy as an adult and can still achieve that. Give your TS the love and mirroring they should have received.
4. Breathe in unconditional love and internalize that; breathe out anger, hurt and pain.
5. Speak your truth (or write your truth). Always be honest. Lying (or omitting the truth) will get you nowhere fast.
6. Take time to be still and receptive to messages/insights God (the Universe/Higher Power, etc) have for you. Be open to new spiritual discoveries, even if they’re painful at first or seem to make no sense. Given enough time, their meaning to you will unfold.
7. Always reach for a closer connection with the divine, whatever that may mean to you.

I felt so blessed I bought myself a little plant on the way home.

I know I have a lot of work cut out for me, but I still feel incredibly blessed and very excited for the future.

Right now I’m just going to take it easy and spend some time processing what I learned today. I have to be careful not to move too fast, tempting though it is.

I know this was one long wall of words (must be my BPD ), sorry about that. I hope this didn't all sound too new-agey woo-woo or anything.

Ladywith3cats wrote:I3. Reassure your True Self that he/she is enough and always has been enough. Your TS has always had the power to be happy and emotionally healthy as an adult and can still achieve that. Give your TS the love and mirroring they should have received.

This might be semantics. I don't feel my TS is sufficient -- which is why my personality developed as it did. The problem for me was that I (some part of my psychology) couldn't accept that (or took it personally) and tried to compensate with an FS (and child-like reenactment).

In one sense I agree: It's good to acknowledge and accept the TS as it is. (I feel not doing that was my lifelong problem, perhaps running from whatever caused it -- long after forgetting what it was.). But, I'd be hesitant to believe my TS is sufficient. When I think of doing that, I imagine myself proceeding into social situations or expectations upon myself -- and others -- that would play into the FS having to compensate because the TS isn't sufficient (and never was).

But, we may be talking about different perceptions of what our TS is. I see mine as the Id. I've gotten the impression some people think of their TS as the Ego. I call my Ego my Agent- or Mediator-self. It's the part of me that never tried. A spectator to the FS (and the inner narrative -- which I'm thinking is inspired by/from the TS's fractured memory, which I've called the "Presence" and others call a "noise" or distraction, like the FS's compulsion to a daydream. A twisted inspiration.).

If you see your Ego as your TS, I agree. The Ego is definitely capable/sufficient. I think of it as the fair and consistent "parent" to get the FS (which includes hyper-critic Parent) more toward TS goals/qualities -- and the TS more toward grown-up goals (not re-enacting the same patterns, not viewing reality through the TS's emotional template and FS's Confabulation.). Essentially, trying to get the best of both worlds without them being at odds to each other (or living to the TS's fractured/disassociated memories).

To put it another way: I see both the TS and FS (Id and Superego) having beneficial capabilities, but neither are sufficient by themselves. The Agent-self (which I think is the Ego) is capable but had been unaware, disengaged, consensually ignorant, a co-conspirator with plausible deniability? But, it's the part which became self-aware, detected the Presence/noise, pulled the FS's inspiration(?) away from the Presence/noise, and then discovered the closeted TS (emaciated, inexperienced, incapable, beaten down).

I'm probably making too much of semantics. This topic arises similarly when I see people talk about how their ego (lowercase e -- the generic "mental masturbation" form of ego) needs to be eliminated. I think I've seen that a couple times in the sense of Zen Buddhism. I always worry people might confuse that with the psychological Ego -- which I see as the only thing available to work with (or get the job done). I imagine people perpetuating the conflict between the TS (Id) and FS (Superego). But, I do agree the Ego (my Agent-self) can be susceptible to lower-case ego. It's the part that felt fulfilled through willful ignorance. But, it really did seem ignorant. It had no idea the inner processes (sense of self, awareness, coping mechanisms) weren't normal.

I had a similar reaction to what you wrote about affirming the TS as sufficient. If it's a 4yo personality, it probably won't be. It takes work (for me) to keep things harmoniously balanced between the TS and FS -- as well as my Agent-self ("me," the person typing and thinking at this moment which is susceptible to generic ego-stroking.)

That's just how I describe my inner "features" or existence.

Regarding spiritual awakening in the sense of finding yourself, having more access to your subconscious: You should try cannabis. It was instrumental to me seeing myself, putting things together, making "realizations" about things I've always known. (Not "visions." I didn't learn anything I didn't already know. It's just the significance of things I always knew.).

When I smoked in late teens I got really paranoid and anxious. With the "War on Drugs" in the '80s (and me in a professional job) it was no longer a possibility. (Too criminal. Too detectable by employer.). After my "shattering" event 2.5 years ago I was reintroduced to cannabis. It made me very anxious and paranoid. I almost stopped -- but, I wanted to be like the people who were comfortable with themselves, relaxed about life. As I kept smoking, I faced *tons* of things about myself. It was proportional to the "inner narrative's" lies. It was a lot.

I didn't know about cNPD, but I could already see the inner parts of myself. I knew what was wrong but not why. Simply because I smoked for about a year. When I landed on cNPD it was like: "I've been seeing this for a year!"

I'm positive that's why I was so overwrought when I started. My subconcious (or something) knew it was losing control and I was going to see what I had spent a lifetime trying not to see. The strength of the paranoia and anxiety was awful because that's exactly what I was going to see over the following months. I began to be relieved seeing it. Each new glimpse was a gift.

That's how I think I know what kind of angry senility I would have drifted into in another 15 years or so. I'm serious. I had no idea how lost in myself I was.

It made a huge difference to me. Like a natural religious experience. I honestly don't think cNPD would have stood out to me if I hadn't explored myself that way. That's one of the things which stands out to me as an extraordinary coincidence (the way I was reintroduced). So many things have been like that: if any one hadn't happened, I don't think I would have gotten it. That's why it's hard for me to deny an extra-dimension to our existence that simply hasn't been discovered by science. Spiritual, whatever. Something.

Truth too late wrote:

Ladywith3cats wrote:I3. Reassure your True Self that he/she is enough and always has been enough. Your TS has always had the power to be happy and emotionally healthy as an adult and can still achieve that. Give your TS the love and mirroring they should have received.

This might be semantics. I don't feel my TS is sufficient -- which is why my personality developed as it did. The problem for me was that I (some part of my psychology) couldn't accept that (or took it personally) and tried to compensate with an FS (and child-like reenactment).

In one sense I agree: It's good to acknowledge and accept the TS as it is. (I feel not doing that was my lifelong problem, perhaps running from whatever caused it -- long after forgetting what it was.). But, I'd be hesitant to believe my TS is sufficient. When I think of doing that, I imagine myself proceeding into social situations or expectations upon myself -- and others -- that would play into the FS having to compensate because the TS isn't sufficient (and never was).

But, we may be talking about different perceptions of what our TS is. I see mine as the Id. I've gotten the impression some people think of their TS as the Ego. I call my Ego my Agent- or Mediator-self. It's the part of me that never tried. A spectator to the FS (and the inner narrative -- which I'm thinking is inspired by/from the TS's fractured memory, which I've called the "Presence" and others call a "noise" or distraction, like the FS's compulsion to a daydream. A twisted inspiration.).

If you see your Ego as your TS, I agree. The Ego is definitely capable/sufficient. I think of it as the fair and consistent "parent" to get the FS (which includes hyper-critic Parent) more toward TS goals/qualities -- and the TS more toward grown-up goals (not re-enacting the same patterns, not viewing reality through the TS's emotional template and FS's Confabulation.). Essentially, trying to get the best of both worlds without them being at odds to each other (or living to the TS's fractured/disassociated memories).

To put it another way: I see both the TS and FS (Id and Superego) having beneficial capabilities, but neither are sufficient by themselves. The Agent-self (which I think is the Ego) is capable but had been unaware, disengaged, consensually ignorant, a co-conspirator with plausible deniability? But, it's the part which became self-aware, detected the Presence/noise, pulled the FS's inspiration(?) away from the Presence/noise, and then discovered the closeted TS (emaciated, inexperienced, incapable, beaten down).

I'm probably making too much of semantics. This topic arises similarly when I see people talk about how their ego (lowercase e -- the generic "mental masturbation" form of ego) needs to be eliminated. I think I've seen that a couple times in the sense of Zen Buddhism. I always worry people might confuse that with the psychological Ego -- which I see as the only thing available to work with (or get the job done). I imagine people perpetuating the conflict between the TS (Id) and FS (Superego). But, I do agree the Ego (my Agent-self) can be susceptible to lower-case ego. It's the part that felt fulfilled through willful ignorance. But, it really did seem ignorant. It had no idea the inner processes (sense of self, awareness, coping mechanisms) weren't normal.

I had a similar reaction to what you wrote about affirming the TS as sufficient. If it's a 4yo personality, it probably won't be. It takes work (for me) to keep things harmoniously balanced between the TS and FS -- as well as my Agent-self ("me," the person typing and thinking at this moment which is susceptible to generic ego-stroking.)

That's just how I describe my inner "features" or existence.

Regarding spiritual awakening in the sense of finding yourself, having more access to your subconscious: You should try cannabis. It was instrumental to me seeing myself, putting things together, making "realizations" about things I've always known. (Not "visions." I didn't learn anything I didn't already know. It's just the significance of things I always knew.).

When I smoked in late teens I got really paranoid and anxious. With the "War on Drugs" in the '80s (and me in a professional job) it was no longer a possibility. (Too criminal. Too detectable by employer.). After my "shattering" event 2.5 years ago I was reintroduced to cannabis. It made me very anxious and paranoid. I almost stopped -- but, I wanted to be like the people who were comfortable with themselves, relaxed about life. As I kept smoking, I faced *tons* of things about myself. It was proportional to the "inner narrative's" lies. It was a lot.

I didn't know about cNPD, but I could already see the inner parts of myself. I knew what was wrong but not why. Simply because I smoked for about a year. When I landed on cNPD it was like: "I've been seeing this for a year!"

I'm positive that's why I was so overwrought when I started. My subconcious (or something) knew it was losing control and I was going to see what I had spent a lifetime trying not to see. The strength of the paranoia and anxiety was awful because that's exactly what I was going to see over the following months. I began to be relieved seeing it. Each new glimpse was a gift.

That's how I think I know what kind of angry senility I would have drifted into in another 15 years or so. I'm serious. I had no idea how lost in myself I was.

It made a huge difference to me. Like a natural religious experience. I honestly don't think cNPD would have stood out to me if I hadn't explored myself that way. That's one of the things which stands out to me as an extraordinary coincidence (the way I was reintroduced). So many things have been like that: if any one hadn't happened, I don't think I would have gotten it. That's why it's hard for me to deny an extra-dimension to our existence that simply hasn't been discovered by science. Spiritual, whatever. Something.

I just sent you a private message.