If you're a narcissist, what was your reaction when you knew

I'm curious to know what other people's reactions were when they found out they were a narcissist.

I have a BPD dx and just found out I'm a covert narcissist. I had an intense reaction, as I've described elsewhere.

My discovery was sudden, after reading an article that made it all clear. I'd been suspecting for several months that I was one though. Prior to my revelation, I became extremely anxious, slept fitfully, then became inexplicably depressed. I didn't know where these feelings were coming from but I know now I was fighting against knowing consciously what I already knew, which was coming to the surface of my awareness.

My realization was sudden and hit me like a tidal wave. I had a somatic reaction--hot and cold flashes and a feeling as if I might throw up. I cried like I haven't since I was about 12 but there was this feeling of relief mixed with grief over losing the idea of myself as a victim of abuse rather than a narcissist myself. I do feel like all that crying and facing the truth about myself was healthy and one of my layers of defense fell off. I actually feel something more akin to empathy toward others, and can accept the fact I feel empathy toward other narcissists who are self aware and dislike their disorder as much as I hate mine. I've also been on the verge of tears for several days, though the crying has let up some. I feel like this is a cleansing of my soul and it feels good.

If you've ever read Sam Vaknin's journals, he has one called "How I Became a Narcissist." He realized he had NPD in prison after his first wife left him. His reaction was very similar to mine.

So I wonder how others experienced their "epiphany." Was it a slow realization, or did it hit you like a ton of bricks? Did you remain stoic about it, or did you react intensely? I think in my case, I had a BPD reaction to finding out--my emotions going out of control there for awhile. But it's okay and I needed to.

i was a bit surprised, maybe a bit satisfied that theres a name for it, but thats about it. no big emotions in my case.

Pride! I would have described myself as schiziod 35 years ago. I only came across the term narcissism reading paperback psychology books. Jung/Klein/Laing/Freud etc. I'd always known that I was different and special in some way. And I always knew it was down to the way I was being treated as a child. I was a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy I think!

I didn't have an immediate self-awareness. It took a couple months after realizing cNPD looked like it. Initially it was like finding the "owners manual." Excited and relieved to have the answer. When it was no longer debateable, I didn't feel anything. Maybe a feeling that it was worse than I thought. I used to dread that it would be BPD (I identified with that for 5-6 years, but not completely). I realized I was at least that bad, if not worse.

The only thing that was immediate with me was when I realized something (everything) was wrong a year earlier. That literally felt like I was losing my mind. I walked a lot because I couldn't sit still. I still remember specific places I walked by when I literally felt like my mind was about to fall off a cliff, wondering what would happen (I was expecting it any moment a few times.).

Because the realization something was wrong was complete and a year prior to finding the name for it, when I found the name there wasn't a lot of injury or resistance to it.

Initially, I thought nothing could be done. But, I developed my own technique to raise my self awareness while practicing better, more genuine interaction.

I'm not sure about people claiming to be "cured." But, I think there can definitely be recovery, better coping mechanisms. I think it's a combination of experiencing the shame (giving up the false pride) and training/learning better/genuine interactions with others (being in the "now" instead of living with a frame of reference overlaying the "now.").

I do think there is a spiritual or extra-dimensional aspect. There were things about my becoming self-aware which didn't seem random or coincidental. I don't think it's inviting delusion to recognize that science is widely behind the theory of parallel universes (multiverse, m-theory) and that such a reality would require at least 10 or 11 dimensions of space and time. (Such dimension would allow for things we can't begin to imagine.). I don't believe it's unreasonable that there's more to the natural world than has been discovered yet.

In fact, I think holding a rigid "only what I can prove" outlook is itself consonant with narcissism. I.e., it's healthy to accept there's something bigger. Something more to look forward to. A larger purpose in life than merely "a meat computer creating consciousness like the liver produces bile."

But, there's definitely a risk of overdoing spirituality, becoming a "chosen one" or merely an object which is subjected to forces beyond one's control. Mental illness is an imbalance. I to play the middle of the road and I don't care if I can't explain why something happened. (I.e., I wouldn't downplay some significant realizations just because "that non-random stuff can't happen.").

Truth too late wrote:I do think there is a spiritual or extra-dimensional aspect. There were things about my becoming self-aware which didn't seem random or coincidental. I don't think it's inviting delusion to recognize that science is widely behind the theory of parallel universes (multiverse, m-theory) and that such a reality would require at least 10 or 11 dimensions of space and time. (Such dimension would allow for things we can't begin to imagine.). I don't believe it's unreasonable that there's more to the natural world than has been discovered yet.

Yes! As you already know, my "epiphany" was very surreal and seemed marked by strange and wonderful serendipitous events (such as Vaknin's video you posted that seemed as if he was reading my mind) and a few other things that seemed like coincidences but I don't think actually were. I don't think there are any coincidences. If you believe everything in the universe is connected, then things that seem random are in reality influencing other things.
These seeming coincidences are all the proof I need that my realization about myself as N is correct, that in a way, God is confirming that.

But, there's definitely a risk of overdoing spirituality, becoming a "chosen one" or merely an object which is subjected to forces beyond one's control. Mental illness is an imbalance. I to play the middle of the road and I don't care if I can't explain why something happened. (I.e., I wouldn't downplay some significant realizations just because "that non-random stuff can't happen.").

I agree.

A mixture of fear and pride.

Pride is easy. I felt special. Hot damn, I'm, so broken Sigmund Freud himself would think I'm unfixable! So much on a different level from all those other people! It's silly, but the feeling is definitely there.

Fear because, well, I'm in a bad place in life and it seemed like narcissism is the reason. And it seems to be impossible to truly fix too. It was pretty scary to think that things probably won't ever get better for me. It still is.

Well, the first time I was diagnosed with a personality disorder, it was BPD and I was completely shocked. I felt a mix of emotions; disbelief, nausea, and a ton of anger because I was offended that my personality was considered to be clinically disordered. It was like a slap in the face. At that time it was mentioned that I had NPD traits, but not enough to be official so it did not mean much to me. I read some of the symptoms of narcissism, and did not identify with them so I disregarded it and moved on. Later on I was also diagnosed with HPD with ASPD traits. So that brings me up to a fine collection of cluster b labels, BPD+HPD with ASPD and NPD traits. okay...


Just recently I began reading up on narcissism and a lot of Sam Vaknin's work. When I learned that detachment and utter self-sufficiency are actually grandiose and egotistical traits of a narcissistic personality I began to relate. Not needing nor relying on people is a sign of a god complex, who knew? A lot of things began clicking for me. I realized that I indeed had a false self. I experienced a period of cognitive dissonance. I wasn't sure what was me, and what was the false self. I felt really vulnerable, stripped, defenseless for about a week. My narcissism was about being invincible, unaffected by other people, being everything I need myself.

Accepting that I had narcissistic traits was beneficial for me. A lot of problems that I experience were due to lack of insight because I had to maintain that narcissistic false self of invincibility. Since I was deluding myself, I was ironically more affected by other people's criticisms because I created something to be insecure about.


Now I'm just in a weird place. I understand the implications of a false self that I created and my conscious detachment. What I'm confused about is that I have another level of detachment that I've been born with, or that happened at an age too early to recall.

I always thought of myself as more schizoid, but I don't have a flattened affect, other than a tendency to not feel upset or angry.

Now I'm realizing it's a bit more a narcissist schizoid combo. LIke my self obsession is causing the more schizoid symptoms (which are primarily interests (I am very narrow in my interests and socially (find it hard to be interested in others) ).

Being a person with narcisstic traits only affects me on an emotional level because it seems to state that the person actually DOES need and rely on people I don't like this. I don't like this at all. This is why I have always disregarded it.

However, thinking that the schizoid/ narcisstic traits are possibly covering up a more avoidant layer- that drives me nuts. It's a bit of a stab to the pride to realize you may actually be AFRAID of people and that's why you're acting the way you do. I don't FEEL afraid,but I have trouble dealing with others- it can cause a form of confusion, so maybe I am in fact more worried about people than I realized.

So it's really a mix of pride and disappointment. I feel conceited,but I'd rather be more NPD than AvPD . I feel for AvPD and I think they seem like nice people but I would not want to be one. They are immobilized by fear.

I know I don't really have the traits of other cluster b disorders though. I don't have enough emotional variation/ instability at least not externally enough for it. I have some of the instability of self that borderlines have but really that's it.

It took a long time then, for me to even think of myself as a narcisstic person but I knew something had to be up with the overly happy mood and the inflated sense of self esteem....Plus all the self preoccupation....

I relate to graveflower with this:

graveflower wrote:
. When I learned that detachment and utter self-sufficiency are actually grandiose and egotistical traits of a narcissistic personality I began to relate. Not needing nor relying on people is a sign of a god complex, who knew? A lot of things began clicking for me. I realized that I indeed had a false self. I experienced a period of cognitive dissonance. I wasn't sure what was me, and what was the false self. I felt really vulnerable, stripped, defenseless for about a week. My narcissism was about being invincible, unaffected by other people, being everything I need myself.

Now I'm just in a weird place. I understand the implications of a false self that I created and my conscious detachment. What I'm confused about is that I have another level of detachment that I've been born with, or that happened at an age too early to recall.

I am at that point where I don't know what is me and what is not. There is a detachment between me and the emotions I experience. I speak about myself and others as if we are all some sort of subjects for inspection. Interestingly enough, it feels like the REAL SELF may actually be the false self and vice versa. Can't tell.

I suspect people with certain personality disorders have a tendency for disassociation, depersonalization and derealization but it's just a suspicion. I think this can only exacerbate their issues.

I find it very interesting how everyone seems to vary along their emotional span. Some of you seem very very emotional, while others seem more aloof and cold. I think this is a disorder that is highly varied. Some say it is the basis for every other disorder....

Anyway I realize I don't want to be fixed. I just want to be able to control it. To squash that more 'avoidant' underbelly. :p. I don't like not being able to do certain things out in life because I feel incapable (this is more geared towards life circumstances such as a job or driving a car, things of that sort than people).

SpeckledUnicorn wrote:I find it very interesting how everyone seems to vary along their emotional span. Some of you seem very very emotional, while others seem more aloof and cold. I think this is a disorder that is highly varied. Some say it is the basis for every other disorder....

I noticed the same thing. Narcissists are either extremely emotional...or cold as machines. But underneath, they're all hypersensitive as it's possible to be, even if they hide behind a stone cold exterior. Malignant narcs are the HSPs who went bad. I'd probably guess emotional, dramatic narcs have HBD traits or BPD traits (borderlines can't control their emotions) while the cold types have ASPD or Schizoid traits. Avoidant PD traits could go either way.
MBTI testing would probably find the first type of narc to be INFJ and the second type INTJ. Not very different except for the thinking vs emotion aspect. But all narcissists are emotional no matter whether they show it or not, but it's almost always all about themselves. They feel little for others.

Anyway I realize I don't want to be fixed. I just want to be able to control it. To squash that more 'avoidant' underbelly. :p. I don't like not being able to do certain things out in life because I feel incapable (this is more geared towards life circumstances such as a job or driving a car, things of that sort than people).

Some say there are benefits to narcissism, and it's true. The tricky thing is knowing right from wrong, and being mindful enough to choose the right thing, even if you can't FEEL the rightness or wrongness of it, if that makes any sense.

As for myself, I want to be rid of it because I actually want to FEEL with others. But I can understand not really wanting that either. Probably the emotional types are more likely to want to be rid of their narcissism, while the less emotional "thinking" types are okay with it.