NPD Going Through Break-Up, Need Help

I recently dumped my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years. She was BPD, I am NPD, she sent nude photos to another man every 4 months or so for 3 years (not out of sexual attraction, just need of attention due to her BPD), as an NPD I can't allow that. The fact that another man saw my girlfriend naked disgusts me, the woman that was supposed to be mine alone.

However, that is just the backdrop. We lived together for 3 of those years, and I made her pack up and leave immediately when I found out. At the moment, my logical side is taking over and I feel perfectly fine. I am able to control my emotions in a Zen like state.

The fall off the cliff is inevitable though. I just lost my biggest feeder, and I realize that I will soon be a crack-addict with no crack in the form of my girlfriend. Do y'all know any good coping mechanisms? I will not allow myself to give in to this complete filth of a woman, so any sort of help would be most appreciated.

Bears7 wrote:I will not allow myself to give in to this complete filth of a woman, so any sort of help would be most appreciated.

I don't understand how you can be both self-aware and view her as disordered and filth.

Being self-aware if I were with a borderline I would recognize she has unique needs in the way I do. If she had to meet them other ways I would try to be understanding. If I couldn't, I would view that as my shortcoming -- having entered into a relationship with a borderline, under-estimating my ability to recognize the boundary which constitutes my self (my needs and shortcomings to meet others, govern mine, etc.) and the boundary of another.

Is there some way in which you felt led to be this disappointed in her? Or, do you believe the precipice you believe you're facing is the realization I described above?

That is a very good point. How can I be so cruel towards her, knowing her limitations as a BPD, while understanding my NPD and the overreaction that will occur?

She understood I was a NPD, just as I understood she was a BPD. Though I was easily able to manipulate her into complete "love" submission, I never abused it since I understood how badly that could go for her. Likewise, she knew that she would always be overly emotional, illogical, and simply the definition of what pissed me off in any sort of argument. On top of this, she understood that something like what she did is literally death to a NPD, not only displaying appeared affection for another man but also removing the cloak of ownership. We had a mutual understanding and co-existence, and she ruined it.

Therefore, I understand that this is common in a BPD. However, by no means will I take blame in my actions. She understood what she was doing, even if it would be hard to resist it. This was not a one time occurrence, but happenings over multiple years. In contrast, I might use her over-dramatic love for my advantage in nefarious ways once, but I would do such a thing over multiple years.

Bears7 wrote:On top of this, she understood that something like what she did is literally death to a NPD, not only displaying appeared affection for another man but also removing the cloak of ownership. We had a mutual understanding and co-existence, and she ruined it.

If you both understood your disorders and were humble/compassionate about each other's traits, how they could affect yourselves, established absolute deal-breaker limits, I can understand how you can feel disappointed. But, you know she's ill. Her illness got the better of her like cancer or heart disease does. I don't see any reason to paint her as filth.

I personally wouldn't have many deal breakers if I got close to a B. Exhibitionism or even sex wouldn't bother me. I'm not an "ownership" guy like that anymore. I would feel better about being the one person she could be herself with (emotionally, existence, a safe harbor). If that required her being "different" in some way (other than self-aware and capable of talking about what's going on at any given moment) I would not get close to a B (or anyone).

IMO, it sounds like you had unrealistic expectations and are holding it against her. I can understand how disappointed and grief-struck you feel. But, I think you own a lot of that -- especially if you're painting her so black (as filth).

In reply essentially to both of your adds to my posts, it is best summed up that she was clinically diagnosed with BPD. She understood her disorder in the exact same way I understood my disorder. To add more color to the story, though, to clarify a few things, I sought treatment throughout our relationship. If NPD was getting the best of me with her, I would immediately see a therapist. Throughout our relationship, as well, I saw a psychiatrist monthly for medication and regular check-ups on my day to day life.

She did not seek treatment, however. There were many times, and I mean quite a few, in which I told her to go seek help when her BPD would get out of control in arguments and overreactions towards myself. She consistently refused, and never reached out to get help based on my advisement, and to help her through what I now know about the other men.

You can see from this information, that she had multiple chances to remedy this situation. She did not, however, which dictates that I cannot give her the "benefit of the doubt," as she did nothing to stop, or at least help, her behavior. We had clear guidelines as well throughout the relationship, such as cheating would be an instant removal from my life. Though this situation might have differing opinions on whether it was indeed cheating or not, I believe, and she understood, that this was without question infidelity.

I also suffer from clinical depression, like many other NPDs, so I understand fully the connection between brain chemistry in mental disorders and those of more "physical" ones. If a man has a broken arm, or a heart murmur, nobody questions why they can't use their arm or run far distances because the disability is able to be seen. Simply because depression, NPD, BPD, or any other mental illness can't be "seen," does not mean that it is any less serious.

However, I believe that there is a strong distinction between a cancer patient who seeks help, yet still does not get cured, than that of a cancer patient who does not seek help. If the cancer patient who sought help complained about his luck, and his situation, I would be much more understanding than of the patient who didn't seek treatment, knew what that decision meant, and then complained. It is the same with mental disorders, she did not seek help, knew she needed it, and this situation occurred. Therefore, the otherwise understanding I would have towards her is all but evaporated.

I completely understand your POV. I'd feel the exact same way. Everyone has their deal breakers, and, I think that would be one for the majority of people. Anyway, I thought it was easy for narcs to be tough with themselves and stick to their decisions? Just think of the new people you will meet is my advice.