Is he a narcissist or am I crazy?

This is the first time I have ever joined a forum...I feel like I need someone to talk to. I broke up with my bf of 2 years about 2 weeks ago. We had a pretty solid relationship (except 1 bump in the road that I will share in a minute) but other than that, I was very much in love and felt very loved. So why did we break up you ask? Well, I'm 43 with 3 kids, he's 45 (never been married, engaged, lived with someone) and I felt after 2 years this relationship should be moving forward. He said all the right things, made all the promises but never acted on them. So I felt it was time.

Rewind about 1 year into the relationship.... We had a disagreement and broke up. I found him on Match.com the next day (we met online...I never though to look if he was still going on.) He gave me some excuse he was canceling his account because he knew I'd look. Week later I found him on another. He then tells me he's on them to get girls to join his meetup group because the more girls that go, the more guys sign up (its a sport meetup.) I know that was a lame excuse but I loved him. I wanted to believe him. During the month we broke up, I had no idea he might have NPD. I cried and couldn't figure out why he would be on those sites if he loved me. And why he couldn't admit the truth. He was very convincing. One thing I remember very clearly about this breakup was he was a totally different person. Cold, no emotion....so different from the man just a few weeks before. When I kept saying he was lying, he became enraged with me...I'd never seen that side of him before. He went to my boss at work so she would know the "real story of what happened" (I teach group fitness at a health club.) I found this odd. But we eventually got back together after he kept texting, reaching out to me. And the love of my life was back.

So from last March until now, I have never been the recipient of verbal abuse, outright devaluing. I was just frustrated we weren't getting more serious but the relationship was full of love. When I would verbalize my frustration about wanting more, he would discuss it with me but somehow he would twist the conversation and in the end I'd hang up confused and feel I was the one in need of change. As we entered October, my gut just told me he would never commit so I ended very amicably. I wrote a beautiful letter stating what a wonderful man I thought he was and how this was not anyones fault. His reply; "very well articulated. Thank you". Odd. One week later I find he has hidden all my pics on fb (I know this sounds immature but I was hurt) like I didn't exist and "friended" a very pretty girl at work. Of course I was upset and felt a repeat of March beginning. Again, you want to have a family with me but clearly trying to present himself as single...why? How could he be moving on so fast?? I was so incredibly confused and hurt. He had been telling me all wonderful plans for us...he was amazing with my kids. When I confronted him, he said he hid them because I did (which I honestly did not.) He blamed his wrong doing on me! When I told him I don't believe him and to leave me alone, he began texting. He came to the house and almost had me fooled (it did indeed look like my page had hidden the pics-he went to my photos and it said "hidden from timeline"- this I later figured out was his status of the photo because he was tagged in it). I know, confusing. Such elaborate lengths to hide the truth. And he was in a rage similar to March. And all he could say (when I first thought he had been right) was, "can you please tell all your friends it was you...that I did nothing wrong?" And he also wanted to make sure my kids didn't think bad of him. Once I figured out his deception, I again told him he was lying. He went crazy on me and told me never to contact him again. Keep in mind, after I called him out the first time, I NEVER contacted him again. So again last night he starts some crazy stuff via text. I told him I thought he had NPD....I know dumb of me but I was frustrated. He told me I was narcissistic and the liar and was sending all these crazy texts to get a lie detector so we could discover the truth, he began putting me down, calling me a liar, sick....etc. All the while I never got nasty. Then he said (again) if you think I'm lying, don't ever contact me again. I haven't been this whole time. So I stopped responding. That was last night.

A little background on him: obsessed with appearance, always needs to lose 5 pounds, exercises constantly, tans constantly and says he's pale, wants an eye job, states he wants to look better with each birthday, has strange eating habits (only protein....ever), wears a baseball hat backwards because he doesn't like his hair, has 2 very expensive cars that he has as his cover photo on fb, thinks he is smarter than everyone (he's in mensa), feels entitled (worked his way into a free gym membership by cutting a deal), never changed his schedule for me (gym came before me and the kids), only helped a few times when I needed him (one time my car kept running even with the ignition off and he wouldn't come over to help). Used to label pics by talking about himself in the third person.... I could go on and on.

So I guess I want to know...is he a narcissist? The pathological lying (even when he's caught) and the rage that follows accusations is like nothing I've ever seen before. But there was no devaluing in the relationship- or if there was, if was so subtle I wasn't aware. But he could manipulate a conversation to benefit him and I always felt I had to be a better person to have him commit to me. Help, Im so confused.....

Hi Momo,
first off, let me tell you, I can relate to your story on many levels. I even opened a thread with pretty much the EXACT same title as yours not too long ago. I came here with the same basic conundrum: I'm confused, none of this makes sense, I've never experienced anything quite like this before. Is it me? Is it him? There's something terribly wrong here? Is he a narcissist?

Well, in your case and in mine, the simple answer is: Who will ever know? Nobody on here will. NPD is a spectrum disorder, and though certain types of behavior can point to it (your story is chalk full of red flags, for sure!), it is and will remain a mystery to some degree.

At the heart of the matter, I've learned, is a far more important question: WHY is it so important for me to know? And I'm starting to suspect what the answer may be. In my case (I keep talking about MY case because I've learned to keep my answers free of assumptions about other people's stories on here...), the worst part about my relationship with my ex (in and after the relationship), was his uncanny skill for shifting blame onto me AND never validating my point of view (by not validating, I mean not taking responsibility for ANYTHING and/or accepting that I have the right to feel hurt by his behavior). So, what that did was create an environment where I started questioning my own truth, my own gut reactions, my own boundaries, and my own bottom lines. My actions, thoughts, reactions had never been termed "out of line", "crazy", or "wrong" so consistently as they had in this relationship (mind you, this was never through outright verbal abuse. Silence, deflection, and calm, stubtle diggs can do the trick just as well).

Now, let's keep two things apart: 1. The man who is saying, doing, or not doing certain things to you, to other people, to himself. Plus the myriad of whys, ifs, and buts. And 2. Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions and reactions, your logic, your truth, and the many reason's why they are the way they are.

By now, I have learned that focusing on #1 is not only grabbing the wrong end of the stick, it's the wrong effing stick altogether. It's only #2 where I can gain real insight and understanding at this point in time. Fully grasping #1 is something that can ONLY be done with enough clarity, calm, and stability, and, most importantly, when #2 has been thoroughly covered. And chances are #1 will become fairly irrelevant once #2 has been worked through.

I'm delineating these two so clearly for one reason: Relationships with (suspected) Ns can seriously fuzz the lines between what behavior is acceptable, and what isn't. To pull yourself out of this convoluted scenario, it is IMPERATIVE that you start feeling out what your truth and boundary actually is? Taking a few steps back: Is calling you a liar, sending crazy texts, cheating, and telling you to never contact you again warranted under ANY circumstances? Ever? Would anything you could have EVER said or done warrant such behavior? I hope your answer is no. I, at least, can't think of many things that should push a grown man to such childish behavior.

In essence, I think, the first part is about honesty and acceptance. It's saying, "wait, ok. Let's take a step back. I don't care WHAT is wrong with him, what he thinks I did or didn't do. Who the ef does he think he is?" It's anger. And anger is healthy to a certain degree. It's in the emotional spectrum and is there for a reason. It's essential to do this with lots of compassion for yourself. It's easy to start judging yourself for a myriad of things. But hey, why treat ourselves like our exes would, right? If you can't get angry, look at that. It's a sign if you can't stand up for yourself in that way.

Ok, further down the line, and still firmly planted in #2, comes the questioning as to WHY you have allowed this person to cross your boundaries (cheating, I assume, being one of them). What were the hopes you had? What stories were you telling yourself to excuse this behavior? Is defining your boundaries something you have trouble with in general? Maybe the fear of being alone was stronger than you thought? How can it be that not "validating" your emotions etc. can lead you to question your own point of view? This line of thought is NOT aimed at shifting the blame on YOU for what has happened (as an N would do), it's taking control of the situation by looking at how you ended up in this position in the first place. It takes honesty, courage, and a lot of heart. This part can get tricky because it is somewhat linked to #1. You DO have to recap certain things this man said and did to examine your reaction to them. However, be careful not to blame yourself for his behavior here. He is responsible for his own behavior. Just like you are.

Bottom line is: At this point, it does not matter if he is NPD or not (I came here thinking I'd find the golden egg as well). All that matters now is that you deem his acts unacceptable (under any circumstance, whether he is disordered, healthy, or an alien from outer space). The reason why you want to know if he has NPD is so you can find out that it wasn't YOU. Well, let me tell you. It wasn't your fault. The only thing you can blame yourself for is sticking around so long in the first place. And that's where your questioning should go.

That said, it is pretty helpful to research NPD traits and the way these relationships go in order to get honest with yourself about some of the dysfunctional dynamics, and maybe, also, the way you may or may not have played a part in perpetuating it:

I like the way this website describes a relationship with pwNPD:
http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissist ... onal-love/

All of the above aside: your are heartbroken! The grief goes deep. It's real and it's terrifying, even when "healthy" relationships come to an end. Don't confuse the dysfunction with the fact that you are reeling about the fact that you are losing someone you loved. (If he ever really was the person you fell in love with, well, that's another thing to come to terms with in due time.)

(Also, a little disclaimer: this forum is populated by people who have been diagnosed with or suspect having NPD. Maybe "victim" support sites are a better place for you to get some insight. That's not to say the participants here don't have a lot to offer, as well.)

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I assume he was "shopping" when he was on the dating sites...I have no proof he ever went out with anyone but the simple fact he was talking to others is bad enough. He said it was for his tennis meetup and he was so convincing. Crazy convincing. And I wanted to believe him because it was so amazing up until this point. Same with the break up...I loved him and I always felt so loved but I wanted the relationship to grow (moving in,etc.) My kids wanted it too. He showed them so much love and all the words were there but no actions.

Yes I can see my blinders were on... but I loved him so much as did my kids. Then a week after we break up, he makes pics of me and the kids private and blames me when he got caught. Repeat of the March breakup. Even if he is not NPD, that behavior alone is not acceptable to me. Putting blame on me, treating me like I'm the liar, narcissist, etc.....from someone who "loved" me. Yes I agree the signs are there but I guess it doesn't matter. It just hurts so much. This is the first relationship I allowed myself to get involved in since my husband and I split 5 years ago (he's a great guy, btw...we remain friends). I'm heartbroken.

Again, thanks for the reply.