How to tell if man is a narcissist (or something else?)

I have been dating a man for 6 months and I am beginning to wonder if he is a narcissist or has some other type of personality disorder. In the beginning, he seemed aware of social cues and self-aware when he was acting inappropriately (i.e. disrespectful or mean) but for the past couple of months I have felt like I am on a rollercoaster—vacillating between being in his good graces and being taken for granted.

Let me set up a disclaimer to say that he is not pulling away or afraid of commitment. We see each other 3-4 days per week and lately he is the one to call me more and set up dates. He genuinely seems to want to spend a lot of time with me and trusts me (i.e. I have a key to his house). However, if it seems that he is a true narcissist (or some other disordered personality) I do not think that I can invest in a long-term relationship with him.

These are the behaviors of concern:

He seems to use and disrespect women

When we first started dating he told me that he’s broken up with all of his previous girlfriends

He told me that he slept with a few dozen prostitutes in Thailand over the course of several trips over a span of a few years

He told one of his exes after a year that he wasn’t in love with her but then continued to date her for another 2 years because “there weren’t any better options out there”

He told another of his exes that she was too old for him but continued to date her for 2 years before he broke up with her because “she was too old”

He brings up my sexual past a lot—often in the form of jokes, but it’s starting to feel belittling—and jokes about me having over 100 partners when that’s not even close to being true

His sex drive was high in the beginning but has slowed down to the point where, even if he initiates, he hardly puts any effort into kissing, making out, or foreplay

Sex has become more and more about what he wants—which is rough, almost porn-quality in its lack of intimacy. (For example, he likes to hold his body away from me and look at the act of sex or watch himself/us in the mirror.)

His idea of sex seems to be either he doing all the “work” or me doing all the “work” but not cooperating together in a simultaneous, passionate act

He jokes around about having taken nude photos of me in my sleep

His sexual preferences are sadistic but it really seems that he prefers to do things that I don’t want to do—the fact that I show sexual interest and openness seems to mean that he wants to have sex with me less often because there are fewer things that are taboo

He pushes away affection

He hardly compliments me and he said that he doesn’t like to give compliments

He started moving away from me in bed at night after weeks where we seemed to be growing emotionally closer


He seems angry without any reason

He complains a lot about really petty problems in his life to the point that he doesn’t seem to understand the scale of world problems (i.e. poverty, sickness, etc.) This man is in the top 3% of US income and in excellent health. His complaints are usually about the ways in which other people are inadequate or have failed him in some way.

He stews about perceived insults he received from strangers days before (although hardly ever talks to me about it)

He shows road rage while driving and cusses out other drivers (fortunately they can’t hear) and even goes so far as to say “I hope she gets cancer” about a bad driver.

He is really easily irritated to the point where I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and avoid certain topics

He has grown more critical of me over time and many of the ways he chips away at me are over minor differences or small ways in which I am not perfect


He seems manipulative

He has admitted that sometimes he says things he doesn’t even mean to “rile people up” (He especially does this to me—several times to week.) These incidents have led to arguments in the past but then he doesn’t take responsibility for the role in setting up the argument.


He seems to have a big ego but also be insecure and needing compliments

He compliments himself a lot in terms of referencing his big penis and says things like “I’m awesome!”


He seems to be low (or lacking) in empathy

He often misapprehends any emotion outside of the happy/calm spectrum as “angry”—he doesn’t see emotions in shades of gray (i.e. agitated, concerned, worried,

When I have told him stories about my or other people’s misfortunes or tragedies, he doesn’t seem to respond in an empathetic or concerned way


He thinks most people are incompetent and that he does things better

From how he tells it, he is the smartest guy in his office

This is getting too long, so I will wrap this up. There are a lot of examples of questionable behavior and have tossed around a lot of ideas in my head regarding emotional abuse, narcissism, Aspberger's etc. I would love to figure out the likeliest scenario of what is going on here before I make a decision to stay in or leave this relationship.

Thank you in advance, psychforums

What do you like about being with him?

I'm gong to jump in quickly and answer this post and suggest that trying to figure out the exact nature of his problems are isn't going to alleviate them in any way. It won't change your experience of this relationship from a negative one into a positive one.

You can check his symptoms off and look them up online if you wish and see how many of them match up but it really is irrelevant. What is key though is that his behaviour is abusive and that he does have emotional problems that he will act out on more and more as the relationship develops and more emotional intimacy is reqired of him.

The answer lies with you really.